Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 10

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

That is so frustrating Yes this.

My husband will follow me or speak louder so that I can hear him as I walk away....saying "you always have to have the last word". It would be funny if it wasn't my life.

My husband can be like this if I'm ill or stressed.

But he definitely does care enough to learn what we're referring to here as a rote script. I'm not his first wife though. So he's learnt and continues to try and learn ways to be more connected partner. The script is very forced and inauthentic sounding but it's his genuine best. It's his willingness to try that's keeping me here despite it mostly not translating into any kind of action, generally just thoughts then forgetting.

Some of us have a common experience by the sounds of it about our partners' willingness and ability (two very different things the therapist remind me) to learn ways to get around some of the aspects of autism that may impact on relationships. As my husband can't empathise with what he hasn't experienced, this means that I cannot find a single example that resonates for him when I talk about how lonely I feel when he doesn't ask about me or my part of our life together at all. It simply doesn't register because he says he knows I love him so he can't understand why him not asking me questions upsets me, as it wouldn't upset him. The therapist said that sometimes trying to find an example is like trying to tell someone who is colour blind what shades are...

@YesThis sorry I've just caught up on your posts re the pasta. I'm sorry that is so crap.

Hope you're having a nicer evening.

The biggest reason I continue to work on things is because when disregulated (often triggered by the children) my husband is scary and I can't subject them to that until they're old enough to contact me to come get them. As I have no proof and social services have such high thresholds there's no way he wouldn't want and get regular overnights. Bedtime with them is when he's most likely to lose it and shout. It's so sad as he loves them to bits.

My God! My husband says this. Or accuses me of walking away as I can’t bear to hear a different opinion! The irony!

I walk away as he is just repeating the same counter reality insanity over and over and over and over again and not even the tiniest, tiniest, tiniest bit of me or my reality can ever get through to him and it’s unbearable. That entire massive, solid, indestructible stone wall of HIM that won’t admit even the tiniest pebble of me.

But he definitely does care enough to learn what we're referring to here as a rote script. I'm not his first wife though. So he's learnt and continues to try and learn ways to be more connected partner. The script is very forced and inauthentic sounding but it's his genuine best. It's his willingness to try that's keeping me here despite it mostly not translating into any kind of action

If my H were like this I think I could cope. We may even be happy. I’d accept so little movement from him to make it work. Despite him insisting I demand perfection from him (ffs!)

My H has an apparent refusal to learn. No script. No rote. Nothing. He doesn’t need to learn. It’s me who’s horrible after all.

And thats what I find unforgivable. It’s the refusal to even try, not matter how wretchedly miserable it’s made me. And I’ve told him repeatedly how miserable I am. I could understand him trying but not being able to succeed. But not even trying, I can’t forgive that.

I totally understand. It's a betrayal of the promise of marriage at its core.

@YesThis same with the shouting. You see due to his disability he is unable to control the tone and pitch and we should understand that by now and stop gaslighting ..... I'm wondering if there's some form of reverse stepford husband we've all been "blessed" with to rectify a past life misdemeanor; karma. There must be a factory churning them out as a lot of us experience the same behaviour and the exact same words in the same circumstances. You have to find humour somewhere!

I wonder if hooking up a meter and demonstrating what things put voices into the red zone/shouting might work? The whole family could talk/shout into the meter and demonstrate the acceptable and unacceptable ranges.,It sounds like some of these men are unable to know how they sound.

This is so hard. How old are your kids? I guess it depends on the individual child and needs and when they can be old enough to be able to do that (contact you) and how much of time your DH would want for overnights etc. This exactly what has stopped me leaving before now. My DD is 10 in a few months.

Should probably have said that I haven't left but am realising I need to, just need to work on timing and it may be a while for various reasons.

@Flittingaboutagain Some of us have a common experience by the sounds of it about our partners' willingness and ability (two very different things the therapist remind me) to learn ways to get around some of the aspects of autism that may impact on relationships. As my husband can't empathise with what he hasn't experienced, this means that I cannot find a single example that resonates for him when I talk about how lonely I feel when he doesn't ask about me or my part of our life together at all. It simply doesn't register because he says he knows I love him so he can't understand why him not asking me questions upsets me, as it wouldn't upset him. The therapist said that sometimes trying to find an example is like trying to tell someone who is colour blind what shades are...

This rings so true, if ask if DW still loves me, because I need to hear that affirmation, I get told "I wouldn't be with you if I didn't love you". I think DW also seems to think I experience everything that she does and in the same way. Any attempt by myself to explain I'm unhappy gets completely invalidated.

@YesThis
*If my H were like this I think I could cope. We may even be happy. I’d accept so little movement from him to make it work. Despite him insisting I demand perfection from him (ffs!)

My H has an apparent refusal to learn. No script. No rote. Nothing. He doesn’t need to learn. It’s me who’s horrible after all.*

This is utterly miserable. I’m so sorry. I stay because I know he is willing to learn and try. I also get told he isn’t shouting when he is. And that it’s not important whether or not he’s shouting as I “JUST NEED TO LISTEN TO THE WHAT, NOT THE HOW!!!!” (Bellowed at me!) And that I always have to have the last word (even when I’m waking away silently and he’s shouting after me, apparently it is ME who’s having the last word!! 🤷‍♀️) Being told I never listen. Being told I am difficult. Being told I am defensive. The sheer hypocrisy of it all drives me insane. But….. if the wind is blowing in the right direction some of what I say does seem to get through some of the time. There is less shouting for sure. I would not be able to cope if he just blamed me for everything and refused to have any discussion ever about doing things in a different way, or to try and consider someone else’s feelings. My dad is like this. He just isn’t bothered about other people’s feelings. Or rather that his own are so much more important than anything else that, even though he accepts people probably have feelings, he isn’t able to look past his own and spend any time thinking about how he makes other people feel. He doesn’t have the ability. He can learn a rote rule, but there’s nothing more than that. He shouts but also doesn’t seem to realise he’s doing it, or perhaps he does but thinks this is normal communication. He can’t see / doesn’t care that he is upsetting people. He only thinks about himself. He is always the victim. Everyone else is wrong. Sounds a bit like your DH..?

Are you able to make a plan to leave him? Do you want to leave?

Having said all that, just had a very exasperating exchange with DP where he just kept saying “yes DEAR” every time I spoke. I said could you stop saying that please. It’s very patronising. To which of course he replied “yes DEAR” (as he can’t help himself from having to have the last word). I asked again for him to please stop making that comment. He again replied “yes DEAR” and this went on about five or six times. In the end I relented (as he cannot ever back down) and I said “ok fine, I know you can’t help yourself”. He then replied “some self awareness would be nice” in a very pointed way. I asked what he meant. He replied about me having to have the last word.

Yawn!!!!😩

Infuriating. I am now only going to reply “yes dear” to him.

Grrrr, Busty.

DH and I have the same, under control, health issue. He thinks his is down to work stress, and cannot extrapolate from this that mine might be down to stress of a different kind. He was talking about it yesterday, and refused to allow me to share my experiences of it when he was trying to tell me how to manage it. Because his are the default, and anything I might say that differs from that is seen as invalidating his. So he shuts me down, talks over me, interrupts, anything to stop me talking.
A few minutes later he's on to something else entirely. I'm supposed to follow the abrupt mental switches because the inside of his head is the most logical place in the world. I make a vague noise of agreement, something like 'Well, yes', and I get jumped on: 'If you'll just let me FINISH', because he has far, far more to say in the same vein, and God forbid I should think myself worthy to interrupt the monologue.
I say nothing for the next half hour. He doesn't notice, because he has plenty of things to say, and doesn't require input from the audience. He's perfectly happy now.

@DahliaMacNamara utterly infuriating

@BustyLaRoux
I'd love to leave!

But I'm in a completely fucked up position ( long post to explain) which means I am basically in my 50s with no career specialism. I've been trying to get a decent enough job to leave for six years. Twice got jobs I thought would be great opportunities to build myself up yet both weren't.

Another incident today. Hear H raging at them during lunch. Basically he has no idea how to control them so they run riot around him whilst he rages and rages at them. I've tried over and over to help him learn how to deal with things better but he just turns on me for undermining him (!) or blames the kids. Its everyone's fault but his. It always is. Eldest came upstairs crying, I could feel his heart absolutely racing in his chest. H has lost his temper and hurt eldest's back by grabbing him and forcing him into a chair and then trod on his foot. I go to have a word with H, he has no idea what has happened but when I tell him he growls angrily ( he does actually growl) that it was an accident. No remorse or shame. Nothing. And then just launches into how its my fault as I undermine him and its the kids fault for messing about. So everyone is upset and kids have had no lunch and none of this is in anyway H's fault but is everyone else's fault.

I'm calling our local Family support service again to ask about parenting support for parents with autism. I've called before and said they didn't have anything, but I think I will try again.

He can’t see / doesn’t care that he is upsetting people. He only thinks about himself. He is always the victim. Everyone else is wrong. Sounds a bit like your DH..?
Yes pretty much. And NEVER, EVER, EVER learns. Just repeats the same things that don't work and its always someone else's fault that they don't work.

@BustyLaRoux @DahliaMacNamara sorry you have exasperating experiences too.

@YesThis calling the local Family support service again might be good, if nothing else they might have some advice on what your options are if you were to leave. Are the kids young enough that you might be able to claim any kind of benefit/UC and get help with housing? If he hurt your DC there might be help available through some organisations like Women's Aid or the local authority (I once came close to declaring myself homeless after a particularly unpleasant incudent of rage from H) .

I must admit as scary as the thought is, I have no idea how to financially support myself in the future. Can't work as am carer for DD who's currently of school, also going through my own ASD assessment as I seem to burn out and get overwhelmed in any job I've had prior to DD anyway. Currently get Careers Allowance, DLA, CB and a small allowance from H (we keep finances separate which is probably not fair) a tiny bit of savings but not enough to try to get even a deposit for one month rent somewhere. H pays all bills related to house and I pay for half of food, anything for my car, DD clothes etc. Depressed as it makes me feel like a trapped housewife!

@YesThis how old are your DC?

I’m so sorry. It sounds truly awful. Your mental health must be rock bottom trying to manage this situation. He sounds like my dad. My DM loved me and my DB with all her heart but one day she could take no more and she left us all. It broke my heart. And hers. But I have never ever blamed her. I’m not suggesting you leave your DC behind! Just explaining that I completely understand how awful it is to be on the end of this day after day after day and the lengths people will go to to get away.

If there is no possibility of you leaving then is there any way to come up with a plan for self preservation? If it were me I think I would want to reduce any contact time he has with the DC. I would act as though I were a single parent. I would take it all on. Which is exhausting. But less emotionally demanding as you seem very capable of parenting your DC and he seems perfectly incapable. Reduce his parenting to zero. If he asks have a stock response ready “your parenting is damaging our children” and if he shouts that you’re undermining him then agree “yes I am undermining your parenting because it is damaging and you won’t engage in a discussion about it. I don’t care if you have a problem with that”

These are probably stupid or unhelpful suggestions. I know you didn’t ask for advice. I hate unsolicited advice myself so I’m being a terrible hypocrite! I just feel your pain having lived through something similar with my parents marriage and I often wonder what my mum might have done to protect us all if she had felt able to stay. I think shutting off emotionally and reducing his parenting would have helped. I don’t know if you’re able to do that. Or even if you have the inclination to. I think sometimes we just want to come here and vent. Share our pain. We aren’t looking for a solution. It’s just good to know there are people out there that understand and care. Xxx

That has really pissed me off. I can't believe he would talk to anyone else like that. Goading you really.

I’m on holiday with DD (10), just the 2 of us. Got tired of waiting for DH to decide how long he could take off work, if anything, told him I was taking DD and that he could arrange to join us later if he wanted to (I knew he wouldn’t). I’m having the best holiday I’ve had for years. I’m in such a good mood, I’m not in the least bit tense or snappy, and I’m not exhausted. I just feel like myself. For the first few days I thought it was because the last year has been hard and I really needed this break…but then the penny dropped. A holiday without DH is so much easier. It’s wonderful to be travelling around with someone who replies when I speak to them, shows interest in what we’re doing, expresses their views about what we might do next. Today we hiked a gorge and had to scramble over a lot of boulders. If I was in front I stopped regularly to offer DD a hand…and she did the same for me. I felt really proud of her, but I couldn’t help a twinge of sadness on thinking that if DH had been with us he would just have left us both to manage. The worst part of every day is that evening phone call home. Every day, despite everything, I still look forward to speaking to him as I want to share things with him, tell him what we’ve been doing. He’s just not that interested. He waits patiently for me to finish before going into great detail about his day at work (work is his special interest). I listen and comment and ask follow-up questions and feel sad that the same conversational niceties aren’t extended to me in return. It’s nothing new, of course, but when I’m having such a lovely time it’s more of a contrast than usual.

Following - reading the comments so far is exactly as my relationship is with my husband and I feel as though it is zapping all of my energy

YES! My husband does this and it makes me so angry. I very rarely get to finish a sentence