Not sure if I should start a different thread about being the child of an ASD parent. I mean I am also the partner of another ASD man and have posted about both on here. Today I have this sense of abject sadness and today is in relation to my “D” F. He just doesn’t understand what it is to be a parent.
I have a complicated financial arrangement which I entered into when I was just 26 and my now ex DH was 25. We were so desperate to buy a flat. We had no financial sense and were unable to consider the implications of what we were doing. I bitterly regret this now of course and would have been far better borrowing from the bank which we could easily have done! In short we borrowed £100k and despite paying back over £75k to him we still owe him over £88k. He maintains he has done us a huge favour. We won’t pay it back before he dies at the rate we repay, so it will be deducted from my share of inheritance. Meaning there won’t be much left for me to actually inherit as this loan will use it all up. He maintains he’s only charged us what a bank would have charged etc etc. I didn’t have any financial sense and I still don’t. My ex continues to pay him back but when my DF dies I doubt I will receive anything by way of repayment from my ex and the money will be written off/deducted from my share and my ex will keep whatever he hasn’t paid off no doubt. There is no contract nor any paperwork as my DF refused to have anything drawn up. My ex and I get on fine but he refuses to discuss this or put anything in writing and I know he’s planning to rip me off when my DF does.
Today I asked for a statement. I looked at it when he sent it through and couldn’t believe that in the last 12 months I’d paid £1800 (my share of the repayments and my ex has also paid him the same), but the debt had only decreased by £60 each (so just £120 off the £88k Even though between us we paid him £3,600!)
I rang him and queried this. He said “well that’s the interest rate”. I said but as a father, is this what you want for me? Do you want me to pay you nearly £2000 and for a £60 return (this was after a conversation, not connected, this morning with him whereby he told me he had plenty of income and was doing very well for money!). He just kept saying it wasn’t his fault interest rates were high and he could actually get a slightly better deal from the bank. I said but you’re not related to the bank!! I am your child. Does that count for nothing at all? He just couldn’t grasp what I was getting at.
I said OK look, I am a parent and I would give my children the shirt off my back if they asked. Even if they didn’t ask. They wouldn’t have to ask. I would give them anything they needed. Because they’re my children and I love them and that’s what parents do. I also said I won’t see any of that money back from my ex you know? And he just replied “well it’s not MY fault”. I said but it’s not about fault! (ASD DF and DP are both obsessed with fault. Always on about fault even when no one has mentioned anything to do with anyone’s fault!)
Anyway me and my ex - We were married!! We were 25 and 26. I didn’t know it wouldn’t work out. He kept his “half” of the loan when we divorced and my dad did nothing to try and get it back and said it was nothing to do with him. I asked him for help to get a solicitor involved years later but he refused and said it wasn’t HIS problem.
Nearly all my friends and relatives have had help from their parents. Boomers who did well thanks to property prices shooting up. They got lucky. That was all. They didn’t work harder or have multiple business ventures in most cases. It was all property and being in it at the right time. And they’ve all shared it with their kids. Happy to give them a leg up. Want to see them settled. My mum would have done the same if she was alive. Just wanted her children to be comfortable and happy. She loved us and made sure we felt loved.
But she died years ago. I miss her every day. I miss what it felt like to be loved. To know someone will be there for you whatever. Who would do anything for you. Who was kind and didn’t expect anything in exchange for loving you. The way I feel about my children. But I am left with a parent who compares me to a banking customer. Who doesn’t understand why a parent would give their child anything unless there was something in it for them. Who is unwilling to help me if it means he would be out of pocket or inconvenienced in any way. Who won’t lift a finger to help me. I am nothing more to him than a customer.
I must sound spoilt and entitled and demanding of money. The truth is I ask him for nothing and have asked him for nothing since he loaned us that money 20 years ago. I wish to god we hadn’t accepted that loan. It’s not even about the money, though I make myself sick worrying about it sometimes. It’s just that he literally couldn’t understand what I meant when I said everyone I know’s parents help them and support them. My friends have been given deposits, with nothing due back. My cousin has been given a flat. My stepdad pays my Stepsisters mortgage. She is a single parent and he can afford it. But he does it BECAUSE HE WANTS TO!!! But I don’t expect that. An interest free loan rather than a gift would have been more than enough. But he just doesn’t understand WHY anyone would do such a thing. He looks at me like I’ve grown a second head if I suggest it. Because there is nothing in it for HIM. And he can’t understand that parents do stuff for their children just from love with no expectation or anything due back. Nothing to gain other than the happiness of seeing your loved ones comfortable and happy. The truth is that’s of no transactional benefit to him. He just doesn’t understand. I told him I might as well talk to my cat for all the understanding he has. All he could say was that he could get a slightly better interest rate at the bank!
After we finished on the phone I just sat and cried. I’ve never felt so unloved. I rang my lovely brother and cried down the phone. He completely understands. He feels exactly the same as I do. I feel worse than an orphan. Because my “D”F isn’t dead. He just doesn’t give a shit.
Im sorry this is so long. I know this is a parent rather than a partner but I read all the posts on here and it’s that same feeling of just not feeling loved in any way. Looking at friends and seeing their relationships and wanting so much to have something similar. Well this is how I look at my friends with their parents. Parents who are kind and loving and generous with whatever they have (it doesn’t have to be money by any means. It might be their time or their patience or anything). I have never felt so unloved. And it bloody sucks.
My SIL would tell me to have some sympathy and it’s not his fault. But I don’t care. I know that. It makes it no easier to bear, I can tell you.