Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 10

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

It's really complex that's about all I can sum up from my own and reading your experiences!

I know our couple coping strategies were very much just "how we were" until kids and suddenly I saw the full extent of the disability/difference/ dysregulation. But the coping strategies just weren't available and the desire to work as a team just doesn't translate into anything practical.

It's a fascinating discussion about how much the behaviours of our ND partners that have negative effects on us are within their control, which will likely influence how far we find them tolerable or forgivable. I have very limited expectations of DH, and that is fine, up to a point. I am generally a very independent person and have been able to manage most things myself. As others have mentioned, the problems arise when you need support, for example, when children come along or you have health or other problems. To say being supportive does not come naturally to DH is an understatement. It has led to various crunch points in the relationship where I have wondered whether to continue and, at the time, I have felt very angry, sad, and let down by him. But with distance and reflection, I can see that it is not purposeful neglect, but an inability on his part to understand what is needed. I do love him and have made a conscious decision to continue with the marriage, but I can equally understand that others may not feel they want to spend their lives in this type of relationship that does not meet all the needs they hoped and expected it would. I do also worry about getting older and how things will pan out for us.

Yes, it often feels like leading parallel lives rather than the partnership I was expecting. DH often says he doesn’t ask for anything except to have nothing asked of him…. 😕

This isn't my first marriage. So I guess it's hard as I have a direct comparison and know exactly how lovely it felt to be in a genuine team where someone had my back, emotionally and practically and could "step up" I suppose. I do wonder if it makes the loneliness and grief worse to have had that experience. I believe my husband can't help it. But I also think that doesn't mean I can live with someone who can't support me.

Last night I asked if we could chat and he said do we have to. If that was a one off, fine, but it's almost an eye roll automatic response every time. I am so low down the list of interests...Maybe it's just a phase ATM.

That is exactly how I feel. I'm so sorry you know how it feels.

Yes, this expresses the situation very clearly. My DH has never said that in so many words, but that sums it up well.

@Flittingaboutagain I believe my husband can't help it. But I also think that doesn't mean I can live with someone who can't support me.

I don't believe you should live with someone who cannot be a support. It is deeply unsettling and stressful. So much so that it makes you ill. There is no blame. It's just a fact.

https://asdmarriage.com/2024/04/28/chronic-stress-chronic-illness-when-neurodiverse-marriage-makes-us-sick/

Interesting read @Kerryoh It seems a lot of NDs also develop chronic conditions from masking and people pleasing, as do anyone who has been in an abusive relationship. So many overlaps!

Not sure I am going to be able to open up fully to my therapist, we've had 2 out of 6 sessions and although she has lots of helpful 'tool's to help me deal with being a carer to DD and also the possible PTSD from my previous marriage, I am hesitant to share some of the things DH has done or said. Maybe because I know there is no 'intent' behind it and it comes form a different place, I don't know. I did say that some of DH's behaviours trigger very negative feelings from my past marriage and she didn't dig any deeper into what he had done to trigger this, just focused on how I can use NLP techniques to separate the past form present. Talking about how this is different from my first and suggesting couples counselling. It's left me a bit confused tbh. Some of her 'tool's are good though and she is very focused on me looking after myself to be able to look after DD, which is true.

Some of the things that triggers me are; name-calling (stupid woman, dozy mare) in a condescending tone, huffing, sulking and going off in a strop at times, throwing things in frustration (never at me or DD or directly next to us but we can hear him slamming about and grunting), aggressive expression on face - scowling, reprimanding me over something like opening a packet of coffee 'wrong'. If I wrote this on the Chat or AIBU board I'd get told to LTB, and maybe I should. Yet I know it's in the heat of the moment stuff and he has stopped doing some of them, like the name calling and throwing stuff. I can't be 'romatic' or intimate as all I see is the scowl, despite him still being quite attractive in some ways.

Yes to all of this.

@LittleSwede we accept what we are willing to accept. Why accept something that makes you feel so down, for what, for who? I accept that people’s physical circumstances and children can make leaving and moving on extremely difficult. Why does your partner have a greater need than you? The balance is off. I guess that’s why if you posted in another chat people would say to leave.

@LittleSwede Does intent matter at this point?

I know its early days but is it impossible to open up to your therapist so she can actually understand your experience?

I am a therapist and Im quite aware that the first/obvious issues my patients bring me are often sort of a screen hiding the core issues which feel too shaming, or too explosive, to be brought out. So just because she hasn’t inquired or hasn’t addressed them doesn’t mean she doesn’t know or suspect their existence.

Perhaps her problem solving/skill building approach seems useful and practical but is also keeping you from too much intimacy with her? Maybe that is what you want but it sounds like if you were honest with her you might ooen up the possibility of a real change.

She thinks you have PTSD due to your previous marriage (sounds like you do) but its also possible that you are in a continuing state of trauma because of the current marriage. It can be both an echo/trigger and itself traumatic and painful.

It may be true that your DH doesn’t “mean” to hurt you but its soul destroying to have to accept treatment as an object—a dozy cow or a thing that won’t flinch when things are thrown. You are a war refugee living in a war zone where the battling army isn’t even aware of your existence.

If you can try just sharing this with your therapist—ask her not to rush to “solve” the problem, tell her you need some time and soace to be bewilderd and curious about it without knowing how to handle it. The right thing fir you will be unique to you, not off the shelf skills (though they sound excellent!)

@pikkumyy77 "its also possible that you are in a continuing state of trauma because of the current marriage. It can be both an echo/trigger and itself traumatic and painful" yes, that is how it feels actually. I look at myself and I have the same sort of haunted look I have spotted in photos from the time of my first marriage. The war zone thing makes perfect sense too. Maybe in the next session or two I can share some more.

In a way I am desperate for someone to tell me or give me permission to leave because I feel so trapped by guilt and obligation to keep everyone happy. Yet DH has some lovely qualities that clouds my judgement. I am waiting for FIL's house to be sold and the probate to be sorted as I don't think DH could cope with the extra stress of separating right now, it would make it harder for DD and me I think. Also needs to know where DD is going to school (or not, in which case Home Ed) in September, which we should know in the next few weeks. Then there is the fact that I am a bit scared to be on my own as well as how on earth you co-parent with someone like DH.

@Rainbow03 His need always seem to come above mine, I mean if one of my primary needs is to feel safe and be in a predictable environment (without being abused) than it's very unfair that his need to release stress/meltdown by being borderline abusive trumps mine.

@LittleSwede when I was in my toxic, abusive whatever the label of the relationship was my primary need was to feel safe. His primary need was to not feel rejected. His need always came first because he was awful when he felt rejection. He used this and weaponised it. It wasn’t an intentional decision it was just how he needed to survive. Only in order for him to survive I was dying inside. At the end none of our needs were being met. The best thing I did was leave. I felt awful for him I really did but my only responsibility is my children and myself. Relationships are conditional. Oh you don’t co-partner unfortunately you will probably end up parallel parenting. But having a mum who has the mental strength and the freedom is amazing and really worth it. Although I’m knackered but I’m happy tired.

I read these threads because I strongly suspect my Ex is undiagnosed ASD. Other people including professionals that work with SEN children have also said same thing so I know it’s not just me. Reading this validates my experiences because I did used to question my own sanity.

A couple pages back you discussed how common it was for children who either had ND parents, raised in an abusive home or shit parents. I just want to say another one here raised in an abusive home with a violent alcoholic step father and a mother that tbh I don’t know what is wrong with her but she has her own demons and was an emotionally absent parent.

In the relationship with my ex I just continued on being a small as I could. Never asking for anything or putting any demands on him. Making sure not to do or say anything that would trigger and out burst. Burying my emotions and thoughts that I honestly nearly lost myself.

A few years ago I recognised that my childhood had indirectly lead to being in the relationship with my ex. The relationship added to the trauma I hadn’t yet dealt with and anyone I talked to about the relationship called it abusive but to me he didn’t read as your typical abuser because I don’t think there was intent. Ultimately it’s my own fault because I ignored my gut instinct telling me to run but I have empathy for myself now that I didn’t have before.

I honestly can’t wait until DC is 18 and I will block ex on all platforms so I never have to deal with his rage again. We are years broken up and I have gotten married since but I still seem to be the target of his rage when something is bothering him. DC was diagnosed young and is such a happy kid a real sweetheart and I hope that because no one has ever tried to make DC someone that they aren’t then DC won’t grow up to be an angry adult or an adult who tries to make themselves small so they don’t become someone else’s target.

Can you say more about parallel parenting please Rainbow?

The rejection versus safety thing is resonating for me. Ironically I chose this man because he was dynamic, driven and yet made me feel safe. But increased demands of him have triggered all these challenges.

@Flittingaboutagain we raise our daughter independently. I ask nothing of him, I don’t talk to him about how I raise her at home. She is having issues at school and although he is aware I don’t talk to him about how to resolve anything. All support I find for our daughter I find myself. She goes to him and that is all I know of. He will not discuss anything with me even if I tried. If I tried he would become defensive and it would be all about him and not our daughter. When she comes home with troubles from her contact we discuss them and how she thinks things should have gone and how she feels. I try not to talk about her dad directly (which is hard). Unfortunately he will always put his needs first.

It’s literally about raising a child who is aware of her own feelings and what she likes and dislikes and for her to discover who she is without the need to placate and please her dad constantly and tread on eggshells. I don’t want her to end up like me not having a clue who I was underneath all the people pleasing.

@Kerryoh thanks for the link.

A good question would be, for me, does leaving the marriage enough to settle those auto immune disease/ME when the stress finally calms down?
i suspect not 😢😢

@SpecialMangeTout ive got M.E and I left 5 years ago and it’s getting slowly worse unfortunately. I’m sorry it makes me sad, I really thought it would go away.

I have considerable health problems, some pre-existing some not, but they became considerably worse in the marriage, and also menopause. Overall since divorcing 5 years ago they are slowly improving but health will never be good, or even average, again.

Still, the situation's a thousand, ten thousand times better than before.

Just heard that ex has started behaving to his partner the same way he behaved towards me, there's a crisis situation. Did warn her ahead of time, but I hate to think about her situation now. Poor woman.

I have ME too @Rainbow03

And yes, I’m not quite sure that leaving would help me health wise.
For all the issues we have, dh is supporting me both financially and physically. Not sure how I would fare wo that support

@SpecialMangeTout oh it’s a difficult situation. I think the adrenaline stopped me from suffering too much when I was with him. I only found out about a year after leaving that I had M.E. It’s debilitating and a lot of the reasons why I can’t seem to heal is because I’m so angry he gave me this and then I get angry with myself for choosing him. I don’t think I could have stayed because I resented him too much. But I’m happier that I’m out and I have found someone who accepts me, but I struggle with my self esteem as I need support and I hate that I need support. See, so conflicted lol. It’s another bar in the prison of keeping you inside. Health, money, supports so many bars. The one reason that made me just leave was for our daughter. He threw things that accidentally hit her but still it was just not acceptable. I left with £150 and a frozen pizza for dinner. I went to my mums and stayed for the 2 years at court it took to get him out of “my” house. It’s hard dealing with someone so self absorbed with very little empathy. It’s hard don’t get me wrong being ill with young children but it’s better then being with him. There are moments in my life I just sit and feel calm and quite, I’ve never had that with him!

@Flittingaboutagain same here exactly. He used to make me feel safe but now he needs a lot of reassurance and only gives this back in quite a selective way. I stopped giving reassurance a while ago, desperate to get out of a ‘mother’ role and back into a ‘lover’ role but that hasn’t worked in the way I’d hoped.