Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 10

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

I don’t disagree with that at all. I think it was on thread 9 where we got into the difference between NPD traits and ASD traits and how some people felt it didn’t matter as the experience was the same. I remember saying that I felt there was a difference for me. Intention can be very important.

Ah ok I missed that then. Yeah it’s a difficult topic. Neither my mum or my ex husband “intended” to cause me trauma but nonetheless they both did unfortunately. I stop with the labels really and try and live with how people make me feel.

F

Actually I think I am contradicting my own thoughts. I am trying to be understanding about my DP. I get that he doesn’t mean to be angry and controlling. He often apologies after shouting at me and says he knows it’s completely unhelpful. It matters to me that he does this. Also I am committed to this relationship and my DP can be extremely kind and go out of his way to do nice things for me.

However I am not so forgiving of my ASD father. His controlling behaviour drove my lovely mum away when my DB and I were children. She then drank herself into an early grave. I know he has no understanding of how rude, controlling and aggressive he can be. I know he doesn’t mean it. I know he isn’t selfish, just incredibly self centred and completely unable to see past his own needs. I know this isn’t his fault and yet I cannot forgive him. My SIL finds this very unfair of me and often says so. She reiterates that because of his ASD it’s not his fault and that I should be more understanding. This actually makes me really cross because who is she to tell me how to feel?! She hasn’t walked in my shoes. She hasn’t been the child of a parent who thought parenting was a tick box exercise, who thought of his own needs above his children or his wife, and who still thinks shouting at people is an acceptable form of Communication. He has never once apologised to me for shouting (unlike my DP) nor for hitting me.

But again it’s not his fault. I just don’t care. I’m done. So yes intention is important but I guess I’m saying that in some cases, lack of intention isn’t enough to keep going with a relationship which is too hard.

It’s very easy to say ‘oh but you should forgive because he disabled and can’t help it’ when you are not the one who got hurt.

When you are, the fact you are being hurt, esp as a child and during all those formative years, often trumps the fact there might be a reason for it.

For me it’s no different than my dad being hard work when I was a child (flying off the handle for nothing) because of his abusive childhood. It’s a reason but still very hurtful as a child and hard to shake really.

Experiences as an adult are quite different imo.

Whilst it's helpful to hold onto compassion by thinking about impact intended and impact felt, the bottom line is how one feels surely? He doesn't mean to make me feel alone/sad/afraid but he does....

@BustyLaRoux I find it super complicated to filter into my brain. I have an on off relationship with my mum. I am much more understanding now having to parent myself with my ND and trauma. It’s hard sometimes. My mum has been a lot of help physically and financially but she will never be emotional support and I’ve accepted that now. I think she has mellowed in her age. I’m not sure I would say forgiveness just acceptance. I get hung up on whether if I hadn’t of been ND myself (like my brother) I would have faired differently as he has a great life and not really effected. I suppose it doesn’t really help me moving forward to dwell.

My partner is not like my mum, he does not shout and throw tantrums like my mum. He absolutely cannot understand my feelings which is hard. But then on the flip side he makes me just get on with things and try and enjoy life. I am an over thinker though so I do tend to dwell, especially if I can’t speak through it. I find I stop listening to myself which makes me feel worse. It’s a difficult balance.

It's such a difficult topic, I feel that I have more understanding and acceptance of my DF and his behaviours now as that I can see we are both autistic. I am however, very grateful that my mum divorced him when I was a preeteen as I think the teenage years would have been even harder. He wasn't particularly shouty or angry but very, very set in his ways and controlled things more than I realised, for example I was not allowed my own room as the third bedroom had to be used as his hobbyrrom/office. My brother had his own room and I just had a play-area in the TV room. In the flat my mum and I moved to I got my very own room and I spent a lot of time in there drawing/reading and escaping reality. There is no way I would have been able to do that in the family house. My dad put his needs first basically and although my mum has been very careful not to talk badly about him I can read between the lines.

@LittleSwede Im lucky I had the most amazing dad, sadly he passed away years ago but I would have been lost without him. The family home without him just feels like somewhere I avoid going to as he was the only positive memory I have of it.

DF actually has a dx of OCD but I am not supposed to know about it, he has however self-diagnosed himself as ASD following DD's dx. He is very much a stereotype who lives as a recluse surrounded by his model trains and associated paraphernalia.

So sorry for your loss, he sounds amazing.

I’ve often wondered if I am actually ND or if my mum has just affected me. I don’t really remember my life pre 16 years old but I’m sure it was very detached. I’ve spent 40 years people pleasing and having a very negative self view of myself. I wonder how much of that is just terrible parenting.

Hereby lies my dilemma really, what is best for DD? DH can be the most caring, warm and attuned father yet he is unpredictable and we never quite know which version we are going to get. I could provide DD with a more predictable and calm home if i was to leave, but I am less 'fun' than DH and she would probably find me boring. DH uses humour to help DD when she is stuck in a bad temper and is also good at talking her down when she is in a state of despair. Yet I am better at ensuring she doesn't end up in that sort of state anyway as I tend to make sure needs are met before it is too late. DH gets so absorbed in other things and if he is not regulated he will snap at her and the situation will just escalate.

@LittleSwede it’s so complicated and if only we all had a Time Machine. I know in my case no one knew I was ND so made absolutely no allowances. I know my partners parents knew and they brought him up to be happy with who he is and he is a much less complicated person then me who has a lot of trauma from never feeling accepted. He has always felt accepted and I think that’s makes a huge difference. Life goes blissfully over his head and I will think and worry myself into a hole.

My daughter sees her father every other weekend now. When he is not regulated he will shout at her and when he shouts it’s extremely frightening. She comes home from contact torn, she loves him but he scares her. She is 8. I couldn’t cope with this so I did decide to leave. My whole life was about tip toeing around him and how he felt. It left me suffering with PTSD.

That’s really articulated how I feel! Thank you 🙏

I lived with a very angry mother who
was shouting or sulking or hitting ( my older brother but not me) it was terrifying and I didn’t want to live there from about the age of 10 . Neither parent cared I wish I’d been brave enough to tell someone else I think an adult should be able to control their behaviour or seek help or treatment they should not be inflicting it on a child who dies t understand and will grow up thinking it was their fault and they made their mum angry

@Shortbread49 I wanted to leave home asap. I picked the furthest away university but then struggled with horrific anxiety with not knowing I was ND. It’s awful isn’t it. It’s the only reason I hold my own trauma in as much as I possibly can because I don’t want my children to be me and want to run away.

Is the case that all of us on this thread have had parents who were shouty/abusive/not good enough parents (whatever the reason, ND, their own trauma etc…)?

In my own case, I know I’ve been raised to accept grumpiness/anger ‘because he can’t help it’. To accept that reasons and excuses are the same.
Im sure this is one of the reasons why I stayed when most other people would have walked away.

Rainbow I did well at school and when I got the chance to go to university get blocked me told me if I went and studied somewhere else I could never come back home in the holidays ( this was also the days before loans and they refused to pay their share of my grant). Foolish me lived at home and it was awful I ended up dropped out , they were pleased and told me they had been correct and my course was a waste of time

You might be onto something there... I have never shouted at my DD, I am not saying that as a boast/brag but I think it is down to me not ever wanting her to feel like I have felt when shouted at.

@Shortbread49 I never ended up working in the field I studied and could only cope with minimum wage jobs with as little stress as possible. It was my dad’s money who helped pay for me but my mum must have mentioned 100 times about what a waste of money I was. If I had just known about my ND I could have been doing something really amazing now and not traumatised myself further. I never wanted to go home in the holidays but I didn’t want to stay away as I didn’t really make friends. I was lost. All these stories are sad and triggering. A lot of lost people. I ended up trapped in an abusive marriage as the alternative was my mum.

@SpecialMangeTout I was on a thread before and it talked about how people with ND parents or ND themselves often ended up staying in situations that they really shouldn’t. I think we are just conditioned to not listen to our own feelings, or not know how to understand our feelings as they just weren’t important.

Thank you everyone for sharing, it is so sad to hear these stories, I kind of want to give everyone who has suffered a hug, even though I am not a huggy kind of person! Maybe I can send some virtual chocolate and coffee instead 🍫

lol I also like the idea of hugs but don’t like hugs at the same time. I feel the same about most things. My friend is having a lovely wedding, I would love to have a lovely wedding but I would hate it.