Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 10

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

My first marriage was to a very abusive man and I think my lack of boundaries combined with me being very alone and anxious (in a new country as had moved to UK) made me the perfect 'target'. Whether it is my ND or childhood trauma I don't know but I am working on building better boundaries now.

It’s nice to be able to share experiences as when I was growing up nobody seemed to have a family like mine, that’s how I realised when other peoples mums were nice to me. Hugs and chocolate to everyone

@Shortbread49 Ive learned to not speak about it in RL. Not a lot of people in my life know what I’m talking about and they tend to invalidate me and say oh we’ve all had struggles growing up or not that again. It’s just something I hide away now.

@SpecialMangeTout spot on I think. I am so used to minimising my own preferences and needs and accommodating others that I accepted my DH at face value rather than seeing the big disconnect between what he does vs says (alexithymia).

Now as I'm old it's so much harder to do this, I actually don't want to. But I also can't blame DH for my lack of boundaries and people pleasing. That one's on my Mum but also on me.

This has made me sit up. I think this happened to me. I know suspect my dad had autism. Certainly my feelings in relation to how he treated me were dismissed with a scoff and a wave of his hand throughout my child and adulthood.

All but one of my Rekationships have been with people who dismissed/ ignored my feelings. Yet somehow I stayed in the relationships. Like I couldn’t react to that, couldn’t see that was a shit relationship. Just put up with it despite it making me unhappy and feel shit

@YesThis that’s exactly what happened to me. My mum brought me up to never even learn that we have feelings. I knew my husband treated me badly but I didn’t know how to listen to how I felt and I pushed it aside until I had a breakdown….I had to listen then.

This is definitely the case for me, it was only when I began to look into my own ND (and a referral for ASD assessment) I began to make the link between me being ND and ending up being in toxic relationships. That Christine McGuinness documentary has some section on how autistic women and girls are more likely to suffer abuse statistically (sorry if this is triggering). Masking to fit in leads to lowered boundaries. Childhood trauma often leads to lowered boundaries too and that can also make a person more vulnerable to toxic relationships. In a way finding this out has actually helped me feeling less 'guilt' over ending up in these relationships and it's helping me to understand the dynamics better.

@LittleSwede yeah it does help but I can’t help but feel like an idiot for accepting so little for so long.

@Rainbow03 Me too, it also made me quite angry to realise people have been taking advantage of me too.

@LittleSwede oh yes. I’ve become extremely sensitive to rejection also and it makes me angry and want to dig a big hole. I’m fed up of just not fitting in or people dismissing me or projecting onto me things I’m not.

@Rainbow03 Completely get that, particularly the projecting onto me stuff.

Need to find the energy to make myself some sort of plan going forward, whether it's a 'break', some together apart scenario or going separate ways. Feel like I need to get DD's school situation under control, as in knowing if she gets a specialist placement or if we need to Home Ed as this is quite consuming me at the moment. DH is also going through selling late FIL's house and obviously still grieving so a bit tricky. The counselling session I had on Monday seemed to focus mainly on the impact on my MH by me being a full-time carer to DD and how I need some 'calming' down with mindfulness as my mind is very busy. Didn't even touch on DH except that I'm quite detached, which she saw as an opportunity to give advice on how to bring us closer again.

@LittleSwede that must be hard. My daughter is ok at school after we had a word about the way they discipline as it just scared her. She is extremely defiant though, very black and white. Everything is amazing or the end of the world and it changes very quickly. The worst is the attitude, she can be extremely rude. My partner who isn’t her dad but is ND struggles with her. He can’t see she is struggling and gets very annoyed with her attitude, which just makes her worse. I don’t blame him because she is very rude at times. They are actually very similar lol.

My daughter struggled with the discipline too @Rainbow03 glad your DD's school listened and were able to accommodate her. Mine too swings from everything being amazing to hating everything and everyone! I think hormones are definitely kicking in too!

I’ve commented on some of the other threads before, but I name change regularly.

Just looking for some understanding today. My OH is autistic and has ADHD too. Today was one of those times when my ability to keep my mouth shut about my feelings broke. And I told him how crap I feel. I’ve been going through so much recently and keeping it all together, across multiple areas of my life, and for some reason today I just blurted out how frustrated I was that he spends 99% of his time focusing on work or his hobbies, and I get tiny little crumbs of attention slipped in-between everything else. And none of that time is just for me - it’s always interrupted by texts he has to answer or emails he must send. We probably spend less than half an hour a day in each other’s company in any capacity. He doesn’t support me. He doesn’t help me. He brings some money in. That’s it.

I am biding my time really. We have separate lives. We have no intimacy. I don’t think he even likes me. He claims he does but his actions (or rather, inactions) speak volumes.

And the really hard part is when I said how I felt, he shut down. He didn’t reply at all. He couldn’t. He had a melt down that I had to try and bring him around from. And now, hours later, he’s pretending none of it happened. Because it’s easier that way for him. For me? I feel like I’m repeatedly gaslit. I feel like a ghost in my own life. I am so lonely in my own marriage.

Can anyone relate?

@CherryPickle I can relate. I have no advice or words of wisdom, only that I am many many years down the line and we don't even spend half an hour a day together, except while eating dinner as a family, so we're juggling kids.

We had a chat today. We're in crisis and considering divorce. My DH now wants to spend time together. I don't know how. I don't know what we'd talk about. It would feel false and awkward.

I hope your DH realises that not spending any time together results in not knowing how to spend time together. I hope it improves for you before it is too late xx

Thank you for replying. I think we are at the same stage as you (the half an hour includes dinner!). It sounds terrible to say but I feel I have very little respect left for him. I feel like he has forced me into a position of parenting. I don’t feel safe around him either - not because I think he will do anything to physically hurt me (he won’t) but because he can’t cope in any sort of emergency or crisis situation. If something happened to me, like an accident (I have health issues) then he would go to pieces. I feel that aside from the money he brings, I have no security or stability.

i don’t hate him though. I think that’s one of the hardest parts about this. I feel desperately sorry for him. I mourn the person he led me to believe he was at the start. I am sad about all that potential he refuses to use. I am sad about all the things he misses out on because he won’t try. Or doesn’t know how to. It’s all just very sad.

I am really sorry you’re going through this too.

Yes CherryPickle I tried to point out a relationship dynamic yesterday and it didn't go well. I got really frustrated which always breaks things. Then we added to the fight before bed. It's been eggshells today. I'm so tired.

Do you think that he masked at the beginning @CherryPickle? I’m just picking up on the bit you said about mourning the person he was at the start. Or has he just got a little worse over time. I’m just asking as I’m quite early doors in my relationship, only 4 years.

@Rainbow03 - I would say both. But I do think most of it was masking. We used to go on multiple dates when it was new and he seemed to enjoy doing things. Now he won’t do anything at all. He works, he does his special interest hobby, and that’s it. Any suggestion I make would, at best, mean I would have to plan everything, make sure he was up a good deal before the time we had to leave, and take the lead in every way. But usually any suggestion is now met with disdain. He just can’t be bothered.

He does very little around the house, and he won’t even wake himself up for work regardless of how many alarms he sets. He will sleep through them. I have to get him up. Usually it takes multiple attempts. It’s literally like having a child. And I can’t just leave him and let him suffer the consequences - if he loses his job it would be terrible.

I do have a hard time working out which parts are his conditions and which parts are just excuses and abuse.

My advice to anyone entering into something with someone like him is don’t.

I should clarify. When I say I can’t leave I mean leave him to getting himself up. I do need to leave generally.

@CherryPickle sounds difficult. You’d think he would have been the same in the beginning. I don’t think that having ND makes you immune from having abusive traits.

It’s very common with people with ADHD to make you their area of focus/special interest and then once it’s cemented, switch their interest.

@CherryPickle ah ok that makes sense. Sorry I’m new to all this. I suppose it’s the black and white thinking. I can see it in my partners brother. He is hyper focused on work. 7 days a week always on call. Yeah they have a lot of extra money but the gf and kids must feel lonely. Although I think it benefits them both as she doesn’t want to work for anxiety. It wouldn’t work for my relationship I’m looking for more company. I know he would want to work more and more to have the cash for his hobby but we have very young children and I would absolutely fire him if he was never around to help. I think it upsets him that I need space and time also because I’m on my own all day with young children and I reach overwhelm sometimes, which he can’t understand but I still insist he helps at home.

@CherryPickle i don’t hate him though. I think that’s one of the hardest parts about this. I feel desperately sorry for him. I mourn the person he led me to believe he was at the start. I am sad about all that potential he refuses to use. I am sad about all the things he misses out on because he won’t try. Or doesn’t know how to. It’s all just very sad.

This x10