So the other day I decided I wanted to tell my DP that something he repeats often about a type of person he looks down on is upsetting to me because in another breath he will lump me in with that type of person. A type that clearly he looks on with derision. I decided I would need to be really clear that I didn’t want him to say that anymore so there was no confusion about what I was asking for.
Instead of saying “YOU really upset me when YOU do…...” I said “when you talk about me in those terms I find it really upsetting because you often mention that type of person as someone who disgusts you and I feel like you obviously mean me. What it says to me is that I am someone you look down on. Even if that’s not what you mean, that’s how it makes me feel. It actually really upsets me and I don’t want you to do it anymore please”.
Tried to keep it about my feelings. Acknowledge he may not have meant it that way.
Of course he deflected and said “well you talk down about people who do x and that obviously means me!”
So I said “actually no, I don’t say that about you, but we are not talking about what I do, we are talking about how I feel about something you do which I find upsetting”.
He replied “oh back to you then!” (As he always does)
I said “yes, THIS conversation is about MY feelings. It was me who started the conversation and I want to stay focused on that. But I am perfectly happy to have the conversation you want another time. But not now”.
He tried with the “nothing like a bit of deflection!” (Typical, fails to see the irony!)
I said “I am not deflecting, I am staying on track. We can have your conversation another time. I just want to stick with what I started with and that is that I find it very upsetting when you talk about my “obsession” with x because you express often what you think about people who are “obsessed with x”. And that makes me feel shitty. I feel like I disgust you even if that isn’t the case. I would therefore prefer you don’t comment on me doing x anymore. It is really upsetting me”.
I then got an “ok fine. I won’t mention it again”.
I said “thank you. To reiterate I am very happy to have a conversation about something I do that upsets you. If and when you want to”.
Then got a load of grumbling about how I never listen and he won’t be able to mention anything ever as I always deflect!!!
I said “no, I am happy to listen but if you try to do it in the middle of me talking about something I am upset about then that isn’t the best time to bring it up”
Of course he had to say “no no, you’re incapable of listening……” and walk off.
I suspect this was said as a parting shot so as to not lose face as he had acquiesced to my request. He does have to have the last word. He does have to find something to blame me for. But if am calm and firm and keep the conversation on track and about my feelings, then he can listen. He doesn’t like it, but he will receive it.
I suppose the ‘cannot stand to be criticised’ is never going to go away. Whatever you say is always going to be received as criticism. But there are degrees of criticism. There’s him understanding that I am upset but understanding this is more about my feelings than about something he’s done, rather than just me criticising what he’s done. In this case I was careful not to say he had done anything wrong per se, just that it upsets me and I would prefer it if he didn’t do it when I am present. Which is different to “you’re so mean to me, it’s awful the way you go about people being obsessed with x, YOU really hurt my feelings” which is about blame and will be taken badly. (But even though I tried to keep it about me, he still didn’t like it and tried his usual deflection and blame, but it was a more half hearted effort than usual and he didn’t fly off the handle as he often does when he thinks I’m just getting at him).