Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 10

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

ND people are more than welcome, some of us are in ND:ND relationships.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

It's really hard not to overdo the detachment. I can usually operate on a superficial level in certain company, as in allowing myself to react freely rather than in the more guarded manner I've become used to. But I sense myself withdrawing instinctively in more emotionally charged situations, which I know can make me seem cold and uncaring. It's very far from what I feel, and I have to fight against it, hoping it doesn't look too forced.

I understand that feeling. You also fall out of the habit of socialising because your spouse doesn’t want to do it ever at home. So the way you keep up with friends becomes different to everyone else too.

Once you have children it gets even worse. DH said right from the start when we’d had our first child he didn’t want to get into tit for tat dinners with other couples.

At the time I was shattered with a new baby and agreed but over time one of the biggest ways people socialise with young families wasn’t on the table for me. For us. He was more than happy though as it meant he could spend all weekend in front of the computer working.

Over time you lose your nerve and confidence to chat to anyone because you do it so little.

The lack of sexual desire from your spouse to the lack of conversation and connection led me to believe I was severely wanting and more than likely undesirable and unlovable.

No wonder many of us are ill or have lost friends/have far less.

I have lost so many friends over the years.

I gave up work because DH’s work was so overwhelming he could offer no help with the children whatsoever. I could have had a nanny five days a week 7am to 6pm. But with both kids being high needs I couldn’t outsource their care. Your need to protect and fight for them as well as try to change their future outcomes for the better kicks in.

So work was another avenue of socialising/talking to other humans, taken off the table.

It’s a very very lonely life being NT and married to someone autistic.

It’s a very very lonely life being NT and married to someone autistic

It is.

It certainly is.

My husband has actually, this weekend, suggested a full time nanny so he doesn't have to do as much parenting because he finds it and I quote rather unenjoyable. So I get to have help but from someone paid to do it whilst my husband retreats into his own world...accept no, he wants me to be doing whatever he wants alongside him. He can't understand why I wouldn't want to leave raising my babies to a random whilst I meet his needs alone.

Hi all, I hope you don’t mind me coming onto this thread. I’ve been reflecting on my relationship with my DH. He suspects he has mild Austim as it runs in his family and matches some of his difficulties (sensory issues, low mood etc). He has started referencing it in disagreements… I don’t want to say “as a get out of jail free card” but you know what I mean.

Does the following resonate with anyone?

• Very sensitive, will go moody/silent in a bad mood which will last for days.
• Always acting very hard done by and seems angry/dramatically depressed at have to do something like look after our toddler while I’m working.
• Auditory sensory issues, can’t cope with noises like people laughing in a restaurant, our child humming, our child repeating words. All annoying things sure, but I mean overreactions like swearing/shouting.
• Struggling to cope at every workplace/ losing his job/changing jobs a lot
• Struggles with saying nice things to me (which is hard because I like verbal affirmations, but don’t get it much).
• Not social, doesn’t like small talk, doesn’t have friends that he sees

He already works very part time, and I’m the higher earner earning 5x him. He gets quite a lot of alone time (e.g. regular days off while the kids are in school/nursery) but constantly acts very hard done by and says that he never gets “time to relax”. Meanwhile I work long hours and I get no time to myself without the kids, ever.

I really don’t know how I can make his life any easier than how we’ve already set it up, and I’m struggling with the constant negativity.

Does anyone have a similar experience?

@MustardBee you are very welcome on this thread! Please carry in posting if you feel it’s helpful!

And yes I can recognise my dh in the description of your dh apart from the fact dh works full time.

im afraid I don’t have an answer.
Dh found children, esp when small, really hard work and did his best to escape home life as much as he could.
He also struggles a lot to relate with dc1 who is NT. it’s easier with dc2, who is on the spectrum. It was like this when they were little. Still the case now they are young adults….

“It’s a very very lonely life being NT and married to someone autistic.”

yes it is a particular type of loneliness that nobody else understands.

@Flittingaboutagain
my DH suggested later on that if I was that put upon raising the children alone, I should send them to boarding school so I could be ‘free’.

He said it in an argument and I don’t think he’d really want it. But if I operated in the same way as him and put work first before everything else then that’s where theyd be. He’s allowed to be completely absent. But I’m not. The implicit message is that I’m less important in the relationship because I don’t earn as much/no money as him.

Hes hated that I never returned to work. I’ve hated it too. But he doesn’t see that him being so thoroughly unavailable has contributed to my not going back. All the emotional and physical labour raising them has fallen to me. I am essentially the unpaid nanny from 8am to 7pm and beyond…

I love being a mum but I would love to have worked part time too. I did try it but it got very stressful as the children need a lot of support. And then they had two grouchy, snappy parents. So I stopped.

And similarly he’d like his whole family doing exactly what he does on holiday, trekking across mountains, skiing black runs, waking at the crack of dawn to be endlessly physically active. He is exhausting to be around. I don’t mind him doing all this but it’s the criticism we receive for being in his eyes lazy and weak. Why can’t we walk for 7 hours non stop? Why do we want a lie in?

And because we can’t, off he goes, alone. The man with a family but who behaves like a single man… he wants us around in the background but then he allowed to get on with work/exercise/DIY.

I joined this thread while ago but have now dipped in but possibly going to have to dip out as a (undiagnosed waiting for diagnosis autistic possible pdaer myself) it's really hard to read people's opinions when talking particularly about pda. Pda isn't fun for the person who has it either! It's debilitating and exhausting I would say luckly it mainly directed at myself so anytime I put demands on myself but I do seem to struggle with my husband and anytime he 'demands' its not a choice as much as I think some would think. I'm not here to stick up for anyones husbands as it sounds extremely difficult to live with maybe my husband thinks same about living with me. I just didnt feel i couldnt not say anything.

I wanted to add I came on here genuinely as I am having some issues after realising my husband is autistic and adhd undiagnosed. And looking for support. I think the fact I am Neurodiverse myself with same conditions adhd and autism I am able to first have an obvious understanding. That obviously a neurotyical person just wouldn't be able to. And that's ultimately where the problem I think lies. I don't see my husband choosing to be difficult, he just has a different wired Brain. So trying to change him into a NT person wouldn't work it's about dealing with strategies to support and like then he same with me. I guess if u r the only one always having to use strategies because u don't need them then that's where resentment will be and frustration in not doing basic things u would do. Anyways I'm waffling with no real point as I do a lot.

I understand. PDA is a crap condition, and as well as my H, I have a son with it. In my house, the difference is that my son will accept a light, smiley, friendly 'suggestion', whereas my H absolutely will not, particularly if it's a woman making what he feels are demands. It makes for a difficult marriage.

But I understand that it's tough for him as the ND partner. He misses out on so much because the default response is 'no, leave me alone'

He has literally destroyed his health as he can't comply with what the female GP suggests. He ended up in hospital and the female doctor told him he needs more exercise, good food etc. He is now obsessed with eating junk food and laying in bed.

Sorry, I've had a tough week. H booked the week off work as he wanted to do a rare DIY project.

This the tenth (and last!) day, and he has only been out of bed twice, for prearranged afternoon trips out, after which he has gone straight back to bed. But no one is allowed to ask him about the much needed DIY, or whether he's getting up today, or anything that hints at him being in bed. At all times we must maintain the fiction that he is a fully functioning member of the family or he will have a meltdown.

I haven't been able to go out on my own because he insists I wait because he is getting ready, but never appears. Asking him if he's coming means a shouty rant about all my personal defects, of which apparently there are many...

My week off has been spent in a state that's neither one thing or another. I'm not able to start any big tasks because that makes him angry because in his head I'm hinting that he should be up helping. I can't go out because he starts shouting that he's coming too (with no actual intention of getting up), and I can't ask him what he is planning to do today because that's me being 'funny' with him. Pah!

He's obviously incredibly bored, just doom scrolling on the phone, with telly rolling in the background, and I assume it's overwhelming for him having all this free time when he usually has the structure of his beloved work (which is home based and he also does while lying in bed). So I do understand. But it doesn't make me look forward to spending time with him, e🤷🏻‍♀️

And the thing I most resent is (sorry, I'm ranting!) that I am the one now planning how we are going to manage any future time off, while he won't reflect on the utter sit show this week has been at all. And I will just get wall of shouting if I try to discuss it.

I didn't want to come back but due to my annoying Neurodiverse traits I'm unfortunately drawn back as completely obsessed over what I wrote and couldn't sleep till about 3 due to Ruminating and anxiety! And now have come back. I wanted to directly reply. I really can see how difficult it is to be married to someone who is very much in this head with autistic/pda and I think a big thing must be to have a understanding of the impact the condition had on him and others around him. I can be difficult. My daughter who is now 5 is going through process of adhd and autism with possible pda profile. So my husband deals with me and my 5 year old and our only other child is non verbal autistic. And I deal with him and his difficult autistic traits. I think what makes a difference with us is I am very hyper aware of the impact of pda (also helps my special intrest /hyperfocus is completely autism/adhd /pda and how it impacts me and my family.) I now understand I have. Never knew it existed just knew i struggled with very basic tasks asked of me or myself. And my husband is understanding of trying to support. I think if your husband not will to accept the responsibility of how his condition directly effects his family then I can imagine that what would be impossible. But I also know how and personally my husbands autism shown and he finds it extremely difficult to accept any responsibility for anything with small or big things so this understanding of his autism effecting our family like mine is has been a very difficult path. But we are now finally getting there. And that's helped with my hyperfocus on learning the disabilities under Neurodiversity. I am sorry ur struggling and life is difficult. But naturally I can also see ur husband is also struggling but that doesn't excuse or take away your feelings as they are very valid and real. I'm sorry I tend to be rambling now. My main worry which was keeping me up is after reading most of posts on here. What's kinda said unsaid is if u suspect a future partner has pda or autism or both then really it's best not to get with them. As the stress and pain is too much. Which I'm guessing for some that's true. However I am also adhd/autistic possible pdaer can I trueluly be ok with myself and how can I bring up my 5 year old as possible pdaer also and try and install acceptance if society in general prefes non acceptance. I accept that sounds dramatic but its a concern.

Also I'm not trying to hijack this as it's clearly needed for safe space so I will genuinely try and take step back

@PollyTwoBlankets you are describing so much of my life. The impossibility of acknowledging, non judgementally and with curiosity and compassion and a collaborative approach, the reality of what is happening and trying to work together to make life feel happier and easier for everyone.

Of course it is enormously difficult to have PDA - that much is obvious to me from living with DH and DS. But one of the most difficult aspects seems to me to be the inability to perceive and receive care from people who love them. The fact that love and help seem to be experienced as attacks or intrusions. The world must feel lonely and hostile to them. But my God I am tired of being made into the enemy all the time - while also needing to be constantly available as domestic appliance and emotional punching bag and supplementary nervous system.

My father suffered with major mental health issues, and I have no doubt that life was enormously difficult for him, and that he didn’t choose to be the way he was. But he was bad-tempered and emotionally uncontained and neglectful. His own poor mental health meant he had no capacity to consider anyone else. We were all walking on eggshells trying not to provoke his wrath, and terrified he would kill himself, as he often threatened.

The fact that he was unhappy didn’t mean that nobody else’s unhappiness mattered, or that our unhappiness could only be understood as the result of our failure to meet his needs. There is no limit to the number of people who can be unhappy in a family, sadly. For whatever reason.

No, thank you for coming back! It's interesting to hear how PDA affects you. I really want to understand.

One of my adult autistic sons has PDA and he is much easier to relate to as he was diagnosed young and is completely relaxed and open about that part of his character. He works in a low demand job and is very happy.

This last message I will completely obsess over my reposnce to this if i don't reply so will just say this and leave it as I can't be dealing with Ruminating as had smal amount of sleep and full day with girls.

I have to plan the weekends for my family husband and smal girls. Due to my husbands adhd and difficultly in planning or decision making. And his just wanting to not do anything out if we can help it, And if we don't have plans it makes it difficult to do things on day as I also have adhd so struggle with decision paralysis and choice overwhelm. But to a less degree of my husband. I have accepted that is what I do. I have focused my husband to do some weekends like if mothers day or something and only in last few years and he was just not doing anything and I know if he had time and expectation he would. But also my husband is very hands on with the girls and due to older daughters high needs disability I wouldn't be qble to function with out it. And he acknowledges that he really struggles with it but has got easier at it over years. Anyways as usual I'm waffling I don't know actually what my point was but I've wrote it now and hopefully my brain will quiet down.

These details are so useful to me in helping me see I’m not going mad. I describe our relationship as practical or functional. We do jobs, plan diy things etc but don’t actually talk and I too see other couples and feel envious. We never hold hands or go near each other and haven’t been intimate in over ten years. Neither of us mention it..

the examples of conversations really helps me too as I get confused as to if it me.
I get confused all the time. For example I have said how I find history boring (I just do but don’t kind of others enjoy it) dh says he does too and I tell him how I know he like history and that’s ok..

Dh “ I don’t like history”
m “ yes you do you watch all the war programmes etc”
dh “ I don’t like history though”
m “ it’s ok if you do as I know you like the museums etc”
dh “ I like modern history not ancient history that why”
m “ yes as I say you like history “
dh - flat denial and then an explanation about how modern history is different to ancient history. Thus making me feel I’m being unreasonable.

his favourite things to do are to eye roll, shrug and say no to things alongside saying that I am unreasonable, am responding angrily when I’m not. And when I do question him about something he sounds like a politician a giving a straight answer, talking in riddles and never really saying sorry- it’s always “ well I don’t agree with you or that’s my opinion “

it’s exhausting. He hates the example I give from our wedding day but it shows it was always there.

during the photos he stood on my wedding dress and I said “ ah!! Get off my dress” his response was to laugh and be moody with me for shouting at him to move. Not a sorry or acknowledgment about the footprint he had left. Still now he eye rolls and thinks it wasn’t a big deal. However as I keep saying the standing on the dress wasn’t the deal as it was an accident it was the response afterwards.
I always get this response. It’s no wonder i feel the way I do

Does your husband accept he has autism and pda? Or is it something that u have thoughy since children being possibly diagnosed?

I hope I can be helpful. I'm feeling incredibly unhelpful lately.

An example of pda which started us to think i possibly have it as well as child. ( i started adhd medication in last few months and they say if u have both autism and adhd but adhd is more prominent, then taking adhd medication can bring out autism which is happening to me. This has been and this is small but still obviously impacts is my routine at home is I empty dishwasher in morning husband loads and puts on. He cannot fill untill I unload. He asked me to do it right now as we was doing something. A completely reasonable request . I just seen instant panic and anxiety I knew I needed to do it I knew I should do it but it was like I'd frozen on spot because I was being asked to it straight away the pressure I couldn't handle and I exploded as he was so insist i did it now and couldnt understand the resistance . I felt lot of guilt and shame for being like it as it was something so basic. But after that I went on course for pda that I was doing for my daughter anyways and Instantly related. My husband has said he's on board with supporting so looking at strategies on how to ask without the pressure of demand . It happens more with myself so anytime I make a demand of myself I instantly cannot do it basic things like showering washing clothes cleaning , it's so demoralising as adhd makes these things hard in first place. Anyways I'll stop now. I hope that explains

My husband has said he's on board with supporting so looking at strategies on how to ask without the pressure of demand .

This is so lovely to read.
I think both partners making an effort and looking for strategies is a must and the only way to make it work. Not the least because everyone is different, ASD or NT, so there is no way one strategy will work for every ASD person.

@Duggeehugs82 feel free to post as often as you wish, a few of us here are ND ourselves. What we largely have in common is ND partners, and for many of us ND children.

This thread is very much to explore our relationships and share our thoughts and experiences with others who understand.

For many of us this is one of the few places where our relationship experiences are accepted.

In my ND family PDA is absolutely the most consequential ASD ADHD trait, by a country mile.

Thank u I did maybe possibly still think I'm intruding . I guess as my family r all ND and all have different needs/issues relating to it , it's easier to make allowances and adjustments and strategies as we all have to do for each other , well more me and husband as 5 year is little and my 7 year old has no understanding of general world. Being in her own autistic world.