For those of you with male friends

[Strangerthings666]

How would you act if you had a male friend who you spent a lot of time calling and texting, and they then told you their wife had found out and was upset by it all as she knew nothing about it at this point? The friendship wasn't inappropriate, but did involve a bit of emotional support and sharing of some private things.
From the wife's pov, she feels it was kept a secret from her and doesn't understand if it was just a good friendship why she was kept in the dark.
Would you feel guilty? Would you reach out to the wife to reassure them that there was nothing to it? Would you continue the friendship? Maybe tone it down? Or would you just cut ties with the man, loose the friendship and forget it?

I would wonder why he didn't tell his wife? Maybe he wanted it to be more. Maybe it was completely innocent.

I had a male friend I used to call and text all the time most days he was the first people I spoke to each day my husband understood we were just friends and didn't mind were as his girlfriend was alway accusing us of cheating in the end it came down to little things he didn't like her touching his phone or going out at 6am on dog walks together(we were both early risers and my dog was the only dog his got on with)

I'd talk to him and find out why
Because she's really controlling? Because he thought it was easier? Because he feels it's something that needs hiding?I wouldn't reach out to the wife, then it's clear he's gone running back to you to tell you everything she's said

I’d back off and say to friend I’m not keen to be the source of any arguments between couples so I’d stop the texting habit between us and also offer to reassure her if that’s what she wants.

There's a reason he didn't tell his wife. If I found out my husband had been talking on a regular basis with another woman and offering "emotional support" I would be asking a lot of questions and would feel upset/pissed off and suspicious. Would anyone blame me? That's that controlling, that's natural human instinct.

If it was me I would walk away rather than get embroiled in someone else's marriage. I mean, really what good can possibly come of that? But I wouldn't feel guilty because you didn't knowingly keep it a secret.

I wouldn’t do anything. I’m only responsible for my end of our friendship. His marriage, and how he manages friendships and his marriage, not only isn’t my business, but shouldn’t be my business.

Having said that, I’d think very poorly of anyone who thought my friendship was some kind of grubby little secret, or who felt an opposite-sex friendship was incompatible with marriage in the first place. I’d suggest he got in contact when he grew up a bit.

I agree with this comment. One of my best friends is a man, been friends since our mid teens and now knocking on 40.

I did have one male friend who started having issues in his marriage. I was so bloody careful not to nose into their business, check that she'd be okay with him talking to me and also made suggestions on how she may be feeling if he got a bit "poor me", and when he touched on deeper matters (intimacy) I said I wouldn't discuss that as it wasn't fair on his wife for me to be party to it. I'd like to think most men and women would be the same as mature and considerate adults.

I'd offer to reassure her, meet more as a three/four, but I wouldn't back off if I haven't done anything wrong. The problem is between them and not yours OP.

I completely agree with @NineofPopes !
It's not your marriage. Don't get involved in their dynamic. It's not your job to reassure her. Her feelings are valid and she's very rightfully upset with her husband for having a secret friendship with another woman. You telling her there was nothing going on, doesn't change what her husband did.

I would also re-evaluate this friendship. I would feel very uncomfortable being someone's dirty secret, even if it's a purely platonic friendship.
But just to be clear, the only reason I can think of why he would keep it a secret, would be if deep down he did have the intention to explore whether this friendship might evolve into something more inappropriate down the line. Doesn't mean he would have actively done anything to force it down that road, just that he was keeping those options open. And that alone would make me feel a bit sick to my stomach.

I'd think it was weird that he'd kept you a secret and that she is probably controlling and so feel sorry for my friend.

Does your friendship pre or post date their relationship?
Do you have a partner and what do they make of your friendship?
How much contact are we talking about here?

Tbh I can fully understand why the wife isn't happy . I wouldn't be happy either . It's not your fault he's kept you a secret but there are loads of posts on here regarding 'emotional affairs ' and I think boundaries are easy to cross and she has no idea what has gone on and only his word for it after he's been shady already.

I would back off from this friendship if I was in your shoes .

None of my male friends have kept me a secret from their ladies, I think your friend is very in the wrong here.

This is coming from someone who has a wider male circle of friends that I've known for over a decade and no none of us have kissed or anything, even on wild nights out in our youth. They've always kept the small number of women in our group safe.

I don't have advice as I have no experience in this. Just trying to give perspective that in our friend group, we are open about the genders and friendships we have so we've never had each other as secrets. That is why I am of the belief that he is in the wrong.

I agree with this. No married man should be heavily involved emotionally with any woman who he isn't related to/married to. It's rude and disrespectful towards his wife, and very thoughtless. I'm pretty sure that most married men would not tolerate their wife having a cosy little 'friendship' with another man, going on 'early morning dog walks' with him and being a shoulder to cry on for him, and spending time together - just the two of them, socialising together and being alone together. (And constantly messaging each other - because this always happens when a married man has a female 'friend.' 🙄)

I am not saying a man and a woman cannot be just friends, but when everyone else is excluded, and the female friend of the husband doesn't know the wife (and in many cases they don't want to,) it's unacceptable. If they do know each other and the female friend is quite friendly with the wife, then yeah, her and the wife's husband being friends/socialising occasionally is fine.

But even then, it's unacceptable, and frankly weird, for a married man, and a female friend to spend lots of time together, texting and whatapping each other all the time, and having lots of private time together. I don't care what anyone says, its just weird, and wrong and unacceptable.

I have 5 female friends who I am quite close to, and I don't do this with them! We just meet for coffee or a pub lunch every month or so, and meet at social groups. We don't constantly message each other, and spend hours together having long private chats, and intimate 1-1 meet ups.

So why would a male friend and a female friend do this? (Especially if one - or both of them - are married/in a long term relationship.) Funny how 2 female friends, or 2 male friends don't spend lots and lots of time together (alone) sending lots of messages and investing lots of time in each other, but a married man and his female friend do.

My DH has had a few coffees in costa with his lovely 33 y.o. female boss on their lunch break and she is one of the loveliest people I have met, and a really good manager. She is always very sweet to me. I have no issues at all with the two of them being together for coffee now and again. They are colleagues - and friends. The occasional coffee, and the occasional work related whatsapp message is the extent of their contact outside work.

What DID piss me off (around 6-7 years ago,) was this one woman DH worked with who was around 45, divorced twice, and had just been dumped by a man she had been with for 5 years. She was crying on my DH's shoulder, texting and whatsapping him, sometimes for 2 hours every evening! and keeping him at work after his shift had finished to chat to him about her problems.

She also started turning up at 10pm at work when she was not on shift and he was working nights, and sitting in the office with him pouring out all her sob stories and problems on him, and not leaving til 1.00am. DH had no romantic interest in her (he says this and I believe him,) but she definitely wanted more from him. Maybe just an emotional affair, maybe a shag, but the 'friendship' with her made me very uneasy.

I ended up telling DH, (after 2 to 3 months of tolerating it!) that I was finding it all really disrespectful towards me, and why is he investing so much time in her? It's like he was more concerned about her than me, and he was really invested in her problems. I think he saw himself as some kind of 'knight in shining armour.'

He was mortified and said he was just 'being a friend.' Anyway tl;dr, he told her he's taking a few steps back as he can't keep getting involved with her personal life and she needs to stop coming at night. Long story short, I got a really nasty spiteful message off her on facebook, telling me I was laughably jealous and threatened by her, and that I was keeping DH on a leash, and he will break it one day and I'll be sorry. Funny how I had no issues with his (younger) female manager who he had lunchtime coffees with. 🙄

I didn't respond I just blocked her. I showed DH the message and he had a go at her and started ignoring her work and said he no longer wants to talk to her. She left not long after.

I'd be annoyed at my friend for keeping it from his wife. I'd be happy to meet her, talk to her, whatever (and would have been all along). The friendship shouldn't need to be secret. And I'd let him sort this out - if he wants to continue being friends with me, I would do that. But I'm not entitled to his friendship and if he felt he needed to cut me off, I'd be sad but I'd accept the end of it.

It's possible that he's in a controlling relationship and he was afraid of her reaction - maybe even probable, given the amount of absurdly territorial women who think that a man in a relationship should never talk to any other women again. If I thought that was the case I'd encourage him to leave her, just like I've encouraged female friends to leave jealous, territorial men.

I have many male friends and have only ever encountered this scenario once, and though everything blew up because he went out for drinks with me, it wasn't really about me specifically. We were in a large mixed friendship group and the new girlfriend hated that fact that he had so many female friends, and sadly she managed to cut him off from all of us. That happened eight years ago, she married him and only one of mutual friends (a man) is still in touch with him - his wife doesn't even like them being in contact and they rarely meet up in person. Apparently he's miserable in the marriage but doesn't know how to end it.

I have close male friendships and a very jealous husband. For this reason, I don’t mention my male friends. I message them all the time but just keep it quiet. There’s nothing untoward whatsoever but I don’t want to deal with the jealousy.

I had pretty much this exact situation happen to me. In my case the male friend had been messaging me more frequently because I was going through a divorce and my dad was dying and my friends were the only emotional support I had at the time. I barely spoke to him after that for a long time. We've started meeting up for the occasional coffee now but I always take my husband along with me so I can't be accused of doing anything inappropriate.

I think it's really how you met and how long you have known each other and how you and his wife interact. If you are such good friends it seems very odd that he has ring fenced you in this way

If my partner was sharing "private things" (as stated in the OP) with a friend, you have a right to be pissed off. And if I heard that this friend was telling my partner to leave me - well!

I'm also someone who does a few friends who are men, but I wouldn't expect the gf/wife to be completely cool with private info being shared or secretiveness.

And in all honesty if I found out my h had a secret male friend I'd be equally if not more suspicious so I don't think this is all about you being the 'female friend' .

Oh c'mon. So the wife has got to be a controlling bitch because, you know, she's a woman. This bloke has been secretly texting and offering emotional support (whatever that actually means) behind his wife's back and you really think we should feel sorry for him. Excuse me whilst cry into my gin.

I would back off personally. And in my experience that kind of intense emotionally enmeshed relationship with lots of calls and texts is dodgy when there are other partners in the picture. Why is he seeking that level of support from you and not his wife?

Or would you just cut ties with the man, loose the friendship and forget it?

I'd tell him he'd been an enormous plonker and to talk to his wife. I wouldn't be made into a weird problem in his marriage.

When I was young and naive, I had a male friend whose GF didn't like it. I thought it was weird, and sort of ignored it. And yes, turned out later she was right and he did have feelings.

I completely agree, I wouldn't have been behaving that way with a friend who had a girlfriend, let alone a wife.

Exactly how much calling and texting between you? More than he does with his other friends?

Because sometimes the best person to support you is someone who's been through something themselves.

I talk a lot to a male friend about parental estrangement and all the feelings around it. We're both NC with our families; his wife is lovely but as someone raised in a functional home she doesn't really get it in the same way I do (and also a few of our other friends).

I also talked a lot to male (and female) friends who were not DP when I was having a career crisis several years ago, because they were in the same industry (not direct colleagues) and knew exactly why certain things were causing me so much grief. DP tried his best but ultimately had no idea what I was specifically talking about.

Obviously none of this was kept a secret from anyone.

Friendships that are what you call "emotionally enmeshed" and involve lots of communication are just normal friendships to me, and no one bats an eye when it's between two women or two men.

I wouldn't feel guilty because it's him who did wrong (and he did do wrong) but I would be stepping well away and telling him to go and sort things out.

I did have one friend who I wasn't always sure he was telling his wife where he was or who he was with, when he was with me, so I started tagging him on FB, just to be sure. I'm not being anyone's secret. We're still friend and now I'm sure his wife knows.