For those of you with male friends

[Strangerthings666]

How would you act if you had a male friend who you spent a lot of time calling and texting, and they then told you their wife had found out and was upset by it all as she knew nothing about it at this point? The friendship wasn't inappropriate, but did involve a bit of emotional support and sharing of some private things.
From the wife's pov, she feels it was kept a secret from her and doesn't understand if it was just a good friendship why she was kept in the dark.
Would you feel guilty? Would you reach out to the wife to reassure them that there was nothing to it? Would you continue the friendship? Maybe tone it down? Or would you just cut ties with the man, loose the friendship and forget it?

Yeah that's pathetic.
I agree with you in these situations as similar with my oh that he goes to events where he shares transport with other women and I never had a problem with this and don't now as not as invested emotionally as switched off abit do I don't get hurt in future. I can't control him. I don't want to control him just want to trust him but that's gone now.
But I think back to my previous situation my oh lied about being at work and then was in fancy restaurant with lady one I had been to with him and made out he was still working. So now I do not trust him but to be honest I'm so dead inside from verbal insults on that day about why he was lying that I am not as invested. Mentally prepared for the worst. He still has a lot of contact so let them get in with it.
So that's when the wife might come across as pathetic and controlling but there is a backstory with some of these situations.
My oh has always dealt with a lot of women in his job/interests and was not a problem until above and years ago took another lady to cinema but apparently at work.
But I do agree with your post if it's just like you say.

Completely disagree. If a female friend's boyfriend or husband didn't want her to hang out with me and didn't like her having male friends, the consensus would be that she was in a controlling relationship. I would encourage her to leave and you'd think I was right to do so. (I have had to do this on multiple occasions in my life.)

I don't see why that wouldn't apply to my male friends (also a situation I've seen, sadly).

I couldn't be friends with someone who thinks it's OK for his friends to speak to his wife like that, and I wouldn't be married to him either. It sounds like you deserve each other TBH.

@gannett you don't disagree with us, though. If that was actually happening, then yes. And if that's happening, you need to leave that relationship because it's not tenable.

What we do know, is that PP is telling the wife to fuck off whilst out with this woman's DH. And wife isn't happy with him spending time with her. Who would be, in that situation?

There's more to the story, where did this disapproval come from? There may be pre-existing insecurities, there may be precious cheating, the friendship might be crossing lines, and the friend's behaviour is also an issue.

As those of us with longterm male friends keep saying on these threads, most of that simply isn’t my concern. I’m responsible for my behaviour within the friendship, not the pre-existing insecurities of a friend’s wife (whom I may barely know), or whether my friend may have been unfaithful to her at some point (again, which I may or may not know about) — those things fall under the aegis of their marriage.

Of course you're not responsible, but it doesn't ring true that it's all the controlling wife's fault and acting all doe-eye. If you insert yourself by texting the wife, you're now part of the mess.

Sadly "leaving the relationship because it's not tenable" is never a straightforward or quick process. When you tell your friend you think they're in a controlling relationship they rarely go "oh yes, so I am, I'll immediately dump him/her". Personally I've never told a friend's controlling partner to fuck off but god there were times I wanted to and had to bite my tongue.

I don't think there's any "more to the story" that can justify refusing to "let" your spouse share a car with someone of the opposite sex. Utterly ridiculous behaviour.

I’ve never suggested it’s ’controlling wives’, and I am the least doe-eyed person on the planet. I probably only have contact details for a minority of friends’ wives, as often I don’t know them — one I became independently friends with after she divorced my friend!

What I’m saying is I’m not responsible for the internal dynamics of a relationship I’m not in, and where I only know one of the parties. Insecurities, infidelity etc are conversations I can have no part in. And should have no part in.

Nah, bloke's got to take responsibility. If she's that awful, separate, move out. Sleep round friend's place. Seriously doubt that's the full story and he sounds a right prince allowing her to talk to his wife like that.

Even if she did have insecurities and anxieties, that isn't the way to deal with it. Now you've just validated all those negative feelings about the friendship and given them weight.

Insecurities, infidelity etc are conversations I can have no part in. And should have no part in.

I agree, and that was my first instinct reading the thread. But if you text the wife and interfere with the dynamic, you're choosing to involve yourself. Otherwise yes- it's the bloke's responsibility to maintain his own relationship

If you've never even met him never mind her absolutely do not involve yourself any further in their relationship by texting her too. Both of you have spent time and energy on each other that would better have been spent on your partners, you feel awkward now, rightly so, don't pretend to be baffled about her reaction. Look out for it with other friendships in future, from this experience, developing emotional support and intimacy with other men and allowing them to do the same for you isn't safe emotionally for anyone involved, or fair on the other partners especially. Leave her be, distance yourself from him, or you will become the girlfriend. He's not your friend, he's used you for little daily boosts and his wife has seen it coming a mile off. You have both created it, someone is unhappy because of the consequences, so end it, you don't need him, he isn't your best friend, or someone you rely on. Back off and learn from it.

Yep and I had this happen to me a couple of days ago. Received multiple messages from a woman I don't know from Adam telling me how I'm a stupid cow, that my DH should leave me etc. Not able to comprehend why a wife would take issue with a secret friendship.

If that person’s friendship pre dates the marriage then I disagree. Being married to someone does not mean you own them and I don’t owe anyone else anything. If a friendship is important to me then no I won’t back off because of someone else’s insecurity. I don’t care if that’s selfish it’s also true. Other people’s marriages are on them not me just like no one else is responsible for mine.

She literally sent me 18 texts in an hour asking if I was fucking him, whether my kids are his, why aren't we answering, are we midfuck, I'm a whore and stealing him. We weren't answering because we were sat in a work meeting. I challenge any of you to deal with that and not tell her to fuck off and grow up. We've been friends since we were 16. If we wanted more, we'd have done it by now.

Well he obviously wants to stay married to this awful woman he's making miserable. I'd say there's a fair chance he's messing you both about