DH says I’ve passed the bullet to him, I’m confused!

[Pinkmagics]

Quick question. I sometimes have niggles re DH and I don’t know if I’m being silly.

his brother is visiting his parents for the weekend, so we all need to go. Our son really doesn’t want to go, nor do I but will put a brave face on etc.
Our son just been invited somewhere fun on Saturday and I said, you’ll have to discuss it with dad.
My reason was - it’s his parents and he decides when we go,which often changes - like at Xmas we were going and suddenly we weren’t going -( so we could have planned a short holiday. )This time I thought we were going tomorrow and he’s announced we will drive down on sat instead. It’s a long long drive so we will see them for sat night and have a Long long return drive sun afternoon.
anyway son asked if we were still going and I said you’ll have to discuss it with dad. husband overheard me and got really cross and said, ‘youre passing the bullet, I know what you’re doing’. Within earshot of son. I asked him to talk quietly and he gave me a really scathing look. I felt like it was too much for the crime if you know what I mean?
is this unreasonable? Am I passing the bullet? Isn't he passing it to me? it his parents and therefore up to him?
I feel all odd and I don’t know if I should.
I know there’s a lot more serious stuff on here, but would value thoughts.

No I think it was fair enough.

But if I were you I'd not be going on a "long, long, drive" just to return the next day
You should stay at home with your son and let DH catch up with his bro ;)

I think it would have been more diplomatic and less decisive to say that you and your DH will discuss it. You can still get DH to deliver the ‘no’, but it would have looked less like you were throwing him under a bus.

You were in the wrong and you know it.

Why do you get to sell DH under the bus to your son, loudly and clearly showing him the disunity in his parents' relationship, but when he pulls you up on it, suddenly these conversations must be held quietly away from him?

You two stay home and leave your husband to enjoy the trip. I don't do well on being told what to do.

"We're already going to your grandparents this weekend, it's a shame you'll miss paintballing/archery/riding a unicorn but I'm sure we can do it another time."

Thanks, I feel terrible. I didn’t know I was showing parents disunity. I find it very hard to negotiate as I feel DH wants to do various things and then tells me to do them. I can’t quite get my head round that I was throwing DH under the bus as it’s his parents and his weekend and his changing the timetable. Am reconsidering my actions!
also think ds was chancing it - he didn’t mention it to dad even before DH and I had a discussion.

Thanks massive that’s what I would have normally done, and am now confused as to what is good parenting - people all seem to discuss things now. Im cocking up everywhere for fear of saying the wrong thing to son and now DH.

You can use ‘we’- we’ll have to see. We’ll need to check. It’s nice and vague about who is carrying the can!

I think you undermined him in a sense of passing the buck to him to decide to let your son down. Irrespective of whether plans change, you ought to teach your son the value of sticking to the first plans you've made.

Your husband is a prick. He says you are passing the bullet but he seems to be in control of everyone so what does he expect? If he is making all the decisions about how and when you all visits his parents then he can deal with your son.

FWIW I agree with a pp and I don't manage well when I am told what to do so I would be telling him to fuck off to his parents alone and staying home with DS.

Well she didn't make them her husband made them for her so it's fine for her to pass this on to him.

Presenting a united front is usually the best option, as dc will otherwise learn to play one of you off against the other. On this occasion, you were basically getting your DH to play 'bad cop', so you were passing the buck.
I've never heard it called 'passing the bullet.'

How old is your son?

Entirely your perogative, so long as you never expect a partner to follow you to your family or other various obligations. And you'd cheerily accept a "fuck off" if assumed they would.

@mrsdineen2

Entirely your perogative, so long as you never expect a partner to follow you to your family or other various obligations.

No I do t expect DH to follow me. We are adults and we have discussions and make plans together about what we are doing and how we are doing it.

*don't expect

you don’t all ‘need to’ go. Your H wants you all to go. You have a choice and DS’ preferences matter too

If you didn’t want to go yourself and thought DS had a point it woukd’ve been better to discuss that with your H.

Why are you going if you don't want to go? Why does your dh get to decide everything? Sounds like you're walking on egg shells to please him?

You’re not cocking up. But you should have been honest about not wanting to go, it sounds crap so why did you feel obliged to agree and didn’t just say you’d leave him to it?

Having agreed, it would have been better to either remind DS he’s already busy, or tell him you and his dad would discuss it.

I’ve never heard the expression passing the bullet btw, I know it as passing the buck. Interesting.

It's fine. It's his parents. It's ok to pass it over to him.

you were in the wrong to pass the buck in that way, you know the plans were already made, and you had already decided to go with your husband (whether you want to or not).

So saying discuss it with your dad is you way of saying 'I don't have a choice in this, it's all your dad's doing' .. but you DO have a choice, and you'd already decided to go with your DH and make your son go with you even though you don't want to go and he doesn't want to go, so this is your way of making DH the bad guy. He was right to call you out on it IMO.

I personally wouldn't want to travel so far for just an overnight stay, but that's up to you to decide that and say if you don't want to go, why do you 'all have to go' anyway?

Thanks sandyhappy, that makes a lot of sense.
realising I try to keep people happy which makes someone else unhappy and I get stressed and backtrack and everyone gets fed up with me. Not good!
I do love his family, and the parents want to see us all together obviously. I think I’m over sensitive.
would any of you really tell your DHs where to go?!

Just chatted to ds. He’s really sad he’s missing the unicorn riding. It’s not even that exciting it’s just he doesn’t seem to get much fun. Gah I hate being a parent sometimes! I think DH should probably have said, sorry mate but we need to see them, or something? He’s watching tv in bed, but I don’t know if I’m being unfair or not. I doubt everything! Hate this!

Seems to me that the biggest problem is you let your dh unilaterally make decisions for all of you instead of having a discussion.
Why does your dh get to change the plans for visiting without checking if you’re happy with that? I’d be seriously pissed off if my dh announced a new plan.

Because you feel left out of the planning you’re understandably irritated and instead of communicating this with your dh you act as if dad’s in charge.’
Act like part of a couple and not like one of the dc.

You were pretty unsupportive to make your DH be the Bad Parent if you were OK with visiting his family.

We try and do the whole Cabinet Responsibility thing, discuss it away from the kids and present a united front.

If you'd been badgered into going when you didn't want to, I guess I can understand passing the buck to DH. However, unless there's undisclosed backstory about feeling unwelcome at DH's family, it would have been better to say "I'll talk to Dad and we'll let you know."

I'm assuming your son is old enough to spend the weekend at home away from you, otherwise it would be a straight up No.

By passing the decision to your DH, you're saying to your son that you'd let him go on his outing but his dad will probably turn him down.