DH says I’ve passed the bullet to him, I’m confused!

[Pinkmagics]

Quick question. I sometimes have niggles re DH and I don’t know if I’m being silly.

his brother is visiting his parents for the weekend, so we all need to go. Our son really doesn’t want to go, nor do I but will put a brave face on etc.
Our son just been invited somewhere fun on Saturday and I said, you’ll have to discuss it with dad.
My reason was - it’s his parents and he decides when we go,which often changes - like at Xmas we were going and suddenly we weren’t going -( so we could have planned a short holiday. )This time I thought we were going tomorrow and he’s announced we will drive down on sat instead. It’s a long long drive so we will see them for sat night and have a Long long return drive sun afternoon.
anyway son asked if we were still going and I said you’ll have to discuss it with dad. husband overheard me and got really cross and said, ‘youre passing the bullet, I know what you’re doing’. Within earshot of son. I asked him to talk quietly and he gave me a really scathing look. I felt like it was too much for the crime if you know what I mean?
is this unreasonable? Am I passing the bullet? Isn't he passing it to me? it his parents and therefore up to him?
I feel all odd and I don’t know if I should.
I know there’s a lot more serious stuff on here, but would value thoughts.

Exactly.
You don't wanna go, don't. Neither does your son.
Full stop.

In a situation where DS asks to go somewhere but we can't because we have plans, if I'd done what you did, I would absolutely be throwing DH under the bus. It would be better to say, "Sorry DS, you know we're off to see granny and grandpa".

However, I think there's a LOT more here. Because in our house, Dh would not have unilaterally decided we are going to visit family without me feeling like I have a say. He also would not be unilaterally changing plans of this sort on a regular basis without discussion with me.

So while your behaviour wasn't great if you were in a normal, healthy partnership, I suspect there's a whole lot more going on.

Did he mean “pass the buck”? Never heard of pass the bullet!

Im in the “your dh sounds like an arse” camp. He’s the one who’s insisting you all go to see his family making his ds miss his activity, changes plans at the last minute and then sulks when you tell your ds to ask HIM, not you why he can’t go to the thing.

You sound like you’re on eggshells around him OP and there are unfortunately a lot of mealy-mouthed wifeys (or men pretending to be women) on this thread telling you you’re wrong for asking your dh to basically take some responsibility for the situation he’s caused.

I think its really unfair on your son actually. You need to sort it out with dad. Who sounds like a dick. (And I can't cope with the phrase you're using either - its passing the buck - or dodging a bullet :) )
I understand WHY you've said ask your dad, but if you don't want to go, and your son doesn't want to go, then don't go. You aren't joined at the hip. It sounds like a horrible journey for an overnighter.
You need to raise it properly with H.

I don't think you are wrong OP. Presenting a united front is only OK if you and your DH are both singing from the same hymn sheet, but from what you've said your husband makes the decisions re visiting and he chops and changes if he feels like it.
If your son had something nice already planned why is it not ok for you and your son to stay home and your husband to visit his family on his own? You mention you dont want to go either so you should have a choice, or is he always the one to decide?

It’s astounding.
I am noticing it a lot more recently as well.

I think we can probably clear up that you bite the bullet and pass the buck. But the sentiment remains.

Family dynamics are so individual. I'm presuming that the brother doesn't visit very often, or is far away from the parents. In DH's family, if BIL says they'll visit, we all clear a time, because he lives 80 miles away and can't visit very often.

It seems perfectly normal to all visit in these circumstances. What isn't normal is the way it's being organised.

To me, you’re in the right and your dh was out of order. I’d have said the same thing: my dh decides what happens re visiting his family, I decide for mine. So, up to him re checking the family is free, when we leave, what time we get back etc. It’s hardly passing the bullet. It’s taking responsibility for your decisions.

Thank you all so much! I didn’t expect so many replies and was most suprised when I mooched across to mn just now. I’m going to read things through and post something more coherent tomorrow, - when we are on the loooong journey!
and I love how everyone is mentpass the buck etc. in my book it’s pass the gin 😀