DH says I’ve passed the bullet to him, I’m confused!

[Pinkmagics]

Quick question. I sometimes have niggles re DH and I don’t know if I’m being silly.

his brother is visiting his parents for the weekend, so we all need to go. Our son really doesn’t want to go, nor do I but will put a brave face on etc.
Our son just been invited somewhere fun on Saturday and I said, you’ll have to discuss it with dad.
My reason was - it’s his parents and he decides when we go,which often changes - like at Xmas we were going and suddenly we weren’t going -( so we could have planned a short holiday. )This time I thought we were going tomorrow and he’s announced we will drive down on sat instead. It’s a long long drive so we will see them for sat night and have a Long long return drive sun afternoon.
anyway son asked if we were still going and I said you’ll have to discuss it with dad. husband overheard me and got really cross and said, ‘youre passing the bullet, I know what you’re doing’. Within earshot of son. I asked him to talk quietly and he gave me a really scathing look. I felt like it was too much for the crime if you know what I mean?
is this unreasonable? Am I passing the bullet? Isn't he passing it to me? it his parents and therefore up to him?
I feel all odd and I don’t know if I should.
I know there’s a lot more serious stuff on here, but would value thoughts.

I think DH should probably have said, sorry mate but we need to see them, or something?

Why would DH have to say that, @Pinkmagics ? Why couldn't you say "I appreciate you'd love to go unicorn riding, but we're visiting your grandparents to see your uncle while he's here."

Or why couldn't you say "DH, I don't think DS is remotely bothered about seeing Uncle Dan when he could be riding unicorns, so shall we let him stay here while we visit the family?"

Your son asked YOU. Either you reply or you speak to DH and then tell him what you've agreed

Were you passing the buck, or dodging a bullet? Has he taken leave of his rocker?

In all seriousness, I sort of see what your dh means, my dh is always making me play the bad cop/bearer of bad news/enforcer of rules and I've been sick of it lately

If it had been a joint decision to go to his parents’ then yes you were passing the buck - you should stand behind the joint decision and tell DS he can’t go to fun activity.

However it sounds like it was not a joint decision, in fact it was entirely your DH’s decision for you all to go. In which case it’s entirely reasonable that he be the one to back up his decision and tell DS it’s a no.

You should, ideally, be in agreement with your partner in front of kids, but part of that is having proper discussions out of the kids hearing so that you genuinely are in agreement. Because what you implied here was “yes I know it’s shit, I don’t want to go either so you’ll have to talk to your dad because he’s the one making us both do it”. Which is not a good message to your son.

Having said all that, I would absolutely tell my husband (when the kids can’t hear) to go on his own for this particular trip! Your husband shouldn’t get to unilaterally decide on what you’re doing or the timings.

Am I the only weirdo that hasn’t heard the phrase, ‘pass the bullet’?

I’ve heard of passing the buck or biting the bullet but not passing the bullet.

That’s not how being a team works

Erm, did you have any say in the original plans? Or the updated one? I would have passed it over to dad too if you know he has a habit of changing the plan at such short notice 🤷‍♀️

would any of you really tell your DHs where to go?!

Of course. Regularly, if he's being a selfish arse. I'm not keen on him running our lives to suit himself.

You are right. Also part of being part of a team is discussing a change of plan together and not one person deciding for others unilaterally.

It's still undermining even if op isn't happy with the relative visiting plan. In fact, it's worse, because it's cowardly and it's ganging up on your husband with your kid.

If your husband has a plan you don't like, you discuss it with him, refuse, argue, etc whatever. You don't half-heartedly agree, then encourage your son to protest and then side with your son. Op's basically saying "this journey to the in laws isn't MY idea, don't blame me, I don't want to go either but I'm too cowardly to argue so I want you two to argue it out instead but it's obvious I'll take my son's side. Oh no my dh has won the argument, poor ds doesn't get to ride the unicorn, isn't your daddy a meanie"

No, I was trying to think if I'd heard it before! It makes sense in a mixed-metaphor kind of way.

OP I don't think you did anything wrong, sometimes it's good to expose kids to genuine discussions re what to do (if it's not super important what the outcome is).

@Pinkmagics why do you all have to visit just because dh's brother is visiting??? can he not visit his parents by himself???

Yes exactly. OP seems to entirely doubt herself when in fact it is more like she has no say in decisions and when she acknowledges this and says talk to your dad, this is her not showing a united front? I am quite surprised that so many posters seem to think the DH dictating the plans is reasonable.

“Seems to me that the biggest problem is you let your dh unilaterally make decisions for all of you instead of having a discussion.
Why does your dh get to change the plans for visiting without checking if you’re happy with that? I’d be seriously pissed off if my dh announced a new plan.”

This.

I dont think they do think he's reasonable @DaffodilsAlready I think they are totally blind to any wrong doing of a man. If they paid attention they would see it. They don't want to. They only see the fault of the woman.
That was deep 😂 but you see it alot on here. Which is sad.

It doesn’t sound to me like you threw DH under a bus at all. If he wants to be an overbearing despot about visits to his family, he needs to do the enforcing himself.

If dh is a dictator, that is very bad of course.

But two wrongs don't make a right. If she, op, doesn't feel able to stand up to her husband, she shouldn't expect her son to stand up to him instead, and effectively hide behind her son to argue with her husband on her behalf.

If she gives in and agrees to a plan, she should help enforce it with the kids.

@WhoaJayShettybambalam the whole reason I opened this thread was to find out what ‘passing the bullet’ meant.

Passing the bullet and biting the buck, ha ha.

Does your DH also say stuff like “it’s raining cats and frogs” or “at sixes and nines”? Swings and seesaws?

I don't understand these marriages, where the husband gets to dictate where the family goes.

That doesn't happen in my house and never has. Just because you're BIL is going to the inlaws, now you lot have to go. It's nonsense and if my child had a prior engagement or outing, I'd be telling my DH neither of us are going. If your husband wants to go, then he can go without you.

I don't demand that he comes to see my folks and vice versa.

Letting the worms out of the bag and opening a can of cats.

She gets to do that because the husband is a dick. He’s a bully too.

OP why is he telling you how to spend your weekend? What happens when you don’t do as he says?

Im shocjed by these replies to be honest. It sounds like you dare not talk or question your husband, that he makes the decisions and doesnt stick with plans and that youre walking in eggshells with him.

why does your son not get much fun.

tell your husband that you and son will stay at home.
he can go if he wants to and give your best wishes to his folks.

This is ridiculous!!!!! Why are you prioritising this man’s whims?

In this situation, given how flaky your H is about ‘plans’ I should have advocated for your son and not have put him in the position of advocating for himself, especially when it’s something you as an adult aren’t willing to do. The path of least resistance always has a price.

Your H either makes plans or doesn’t but the expectation that the whole family just goes along with whatever he wants whenever he wants, is ridiculous.