DH says I’ve passed the bullet to him, I’m confused!

[Pinkmagics]

Quick question. I sometimes have niggles re DH and I don’t know if I’m being silly.

his brother is visiting his parents for the weekend, so we all need to go. Our son really doesn’t want to go, nor do I but will put a brave face on etc.
Our son just been invited somewhere fun on Saturday and I said, you’ll have to discuss it with dad.
My reason was - it’s his parents and he decides when we go,which often changes - like at Xmas we were going and suddenly we weren’t going -( so we could have planned a short holiday. )This time I thought we were going tomorrow and he’s announced we will drive down on sat instead. It’s a long long drive so we will see them for sat night and have a Long long return drive sun afternoon.
anyway son asked if we were still going and I said you’ll have to discuss it with dad. husband overheard me and got really cross and said, ‘youre passing the bullet, I know what you’re doing’. Within earshot of son. I asked him to talk quietly and he gave me a really scathing look. I felt like it was too much for the crime if you know what I mean?
is this unreasonable? Am I passing the bullet? Isn't he passing it to me? it his parents and therefore up to him?
I feel all odd and I don’t know if I should.
I know there’s a lot more serious stuff on here, but would value thoughts.

Absolutely - if dh didn’t move the bloody goalposts all the time she wouldn’t have had to say anything. I wouldn’t be going either, and wouldn’t force the son.
Maybe the gp’s would like to see their children without dil anyway, there’s no need to tag along because dh says so.

When my mum didn't wanna go to the in laws she strangely got sick the night before/ morning of seeing them...

What would happen if you told your son 'yes, sure, ill take you to your thing whilst your dad goes to see his parents'?

He seems to have a habit of changing plans frequently and at the last minute. I completely understand why op advised ds to check with him. People who keep moving the goal posts without discussion are very difficult to live with. You must feel very on edge all the time OP.

This would have been a great opportunity to teach your son that we do the thing we said we'd do first not the fun thing that comes along, we've made a commitment to visit grandparents- which you did know and agree to- so you should have said no and explained this

You lost me at 'we all need to go'-no, you don't.

So your dh wants you to make the decisions and be the 'bad guy' but you have to make the decision he wants you too.

My response would have been " shall I decide if ds comes then? Ds your off the hook enjoy the unicorns".

I’m surprised at the responses you are getting.

The point is not that you had agreed to visit his family, but that your DH has a habit of cancelling or changing plans with his family at the last minute for no clear reason.

Your son therefore needs to talk to him to find out what is going on. It’s not a big deal. Your DH just needs to say “Yes we are definitely leaving at 10 on Saturday, so you can’t go”.

Nobody on here knows you DH, or your relationship. For me, that would be fine to say, especially if plans often change. I wouldn't mind if my OH said the same thing to our children. I'd just say yes, sorry you will miss the unicorn ride, but we are definitely going to go to your GP's. What's with the scathing look? That would really annoy me. But, if he is usually kind and lovely, I wouldn't let it bother me if it was just a one-off. You sound very caring and keen for everyone to be happy. Don't let it get to you. Maybe plan some fun things to do as a family too.

For some reason, people haven’t read your OP properly.

Very obviously you are concerned that you will tell DS he has to stick to the original plans, and then suddenly be told that you aren’t going anyway.

You haven’t done anything wrong.

@Pinkmagics I hope you slept ok. I think your DH has a point. I think it would have been better to say "I think we're going to Nanny and Grandad's, but I'll check with Dad". By saying 'speak to your father' it sounds like you're giving full responsibility for the joy killing to your DH.

Having said that, I couldn't cope with constant boundary changing. It's also interesting that you say 'too harsh for the crime', which makes me think you're in the doghouse a lot with your DH.

If this is part of a bigger issue, it might be time to sort that out.

Why was your DS asking you if both parents are there? Are you the default parent and therefore the one always delivering the bad news, discipline etc?

I would have said, we're going to grandads this weekend.

Wow, in that case I'd tell him, ok, fine, we'll all be responsible for our own bullets. I choose to stay and inlaws can make of that what they will. I will live with that bullet. Son, what bullet do you choose? To please your dad by going? Or please yourself by staying? If he leans towards people pleasing encourage him to make the opposite choice next time

How old is your DS ?
And exactly how long is the long long journey ? These facts are important.
If your son is around five years old and the journey is 6 hours each way then surely it’s unreasonable of either you or your DH to make your little boy sit in the car for most of his weekend.
As for your husband’s comment about passing the bullet, it makes me think he’s knows very well that he’s being unreasonable to expect his son to be happy with the prospect of sitting in the car for all that time as opposed to having fun with a friend. He’s cross that you didn’t ease his conscience about it instead of diverting the question to him. He’s still trying to avoid being the bad guy by going to bed to watch TV.
OP, if you think your husband’s plans for the weekend are too harsh on your DS, then speak up and have that discussion with your DH.

Except the father changes plans to suit himself, including at christmas.

Yeah well and truly showing a divided front
but of a shitty thing to do

I think he’s mixing his metaphors. He means he thinks the OP is passing the buck or dodging a bullet (and letting him take it instead).

Which is nearly as unattractive as deciding the entire family unilaterally needs to go and spent the weekend at his parents’ when he’s the only one who wants to.

Why are you all pussyfooting around this man? Why does he get to decide everything for all of you?!

Why are you saying “passing the bullet?” Where have you got that from? It’s passing the buck. You’ve just made up a phrase and it doesn’t mean anything.

Pass the bullet...?

Sell DH under the bus?

🙄

Or doggyfooting?

How old is your son as this is quite relevant. Is he five or is he seventeen or what? I don’t understand why you have to go because the brother is going? Do you only see gp’s once a year and this is the only visit you’ll be doing for a long time?

Yet everybody still knows exactly what she means.

Well done on adding real value here.

Moving past all the bizarre mixed metaphors on this thread...

@Pinkmagics does your husband frequently dictate terms?

Why do you all have to go because his brother's visiting? DH and I like each other's families, so enjoy social time with them, but there's never an obligation, I see my family individually, as does he. Why can't he go and spend some time with them without you?