Another Crush.... How Not To Have Them?!

[CaramelMacchiatto]

Me, middle age woman in a 10+ relationship. Yes, I admit I miss the attention, the butterflies, the newness however I appreciate stability, security, love and everything else that being with the long term partner brings. In the last few years I've had a few crushes. Unfortunately for me they are not just that. Crushes. When they start, sometimes completely unexpectedly, when I find myself completely surprised by feeling attracted to someone, my imagination goes wild about that person.

I will give the most recent example. Met someone through work. Very nice bloke but completely not my usual type. He then sent a few mildly flirty comments and it all started. Within a few days I was already obsessing whereas he went back to being polite but completely professional. I know this will pass, I've had this before but ...

No 1 - it will take me a long time to stop thinking about the guy. It'll be a completely wasted time. No 2 - why do I want something to happen and why can't this be just a thought, oh he's a good looking nice guy? I know some people have crushes but they don't wish to act on them. Me? I won't either however I wouldn't trust myself if he decided to approach me... No 3 before meeting this person I was in a really good spot with my partner. Very happy, no current issues, definitely can't say we're having a rough patch or anything like this. So why?? No 4 this is like a vicious circle.

Like I said happened before and I even thought to myself after my last crush that I will not let this happen again as it costs me a lot emotionally. Not worth it. I don't want to be that person. I want to focus on my relationship. I absolutely hate the feeling when your heart races expecting that message, the thrill of meeting that person, during that period I feel like I'm not myself, I'm switched off my normal life.... And I hate it. So I remember thinking recently, this is nice. Just me, my partner and stable life. Love it, feel happy and fulfilled. Don't want to go back to those doubtful thrills. And then baaaam. Why?? How do I break this and avoid??

Don't blame yourself. You cannot blame your feelings, unless it doesn't hurt anyone.
what you described is the life itself. We, as human, love secure, stable life however, our feelings do count as well. Believe me, everyone has a crush, sometimes just one and sometimes more than one. Everyone needs to feel different than usual life flow. Otherwise life would be soooo boring.
Sooo love my crush, sorry!! I love how I feel when I find a new crush.

You say partner not husband. Why is it that in 10 years you haven't married? Are you against the idea of marriage...or do just not love eachother enough?

Id wonder if he was waiting for something better to come along. But perhaps - you are too?

I think crushes will always happen and be all consuming, unless you're with the right person.

Now of course like you say, relationships aren't always going to be the first flush of new love.

But if you're still falling smitten for others...maybe thats telling you something.

Company is great. But maybe freedom is better. Even if it can be spectacularly shit at times.

Thanks both.

Lisa... I wouldn't mind if it was only acknowledging that someone is cute. However something happens in my head and I start to fantasise about this person. So not good. I think that's some chemical reaction that's happening in my body giving me this kick...

Pink... I said partner but it's actually DH as we are married. So I want to think he's not waiting for someone better to come along. Hopefully not. And I most definitely don't want to be alone. Like I said, I'm my happiest being in a relationship, safe and comfortable. I really think my relationship is stable and good. Yes, things are missing for me a bit but nothing's perfect, is there. And I can judge what's worth being in and what's not. So what I'm saying is I really don't understand why my head's going crazy for someone else 😂

Would any form of open relationship work?
Of course i’m not saying this is the answer but you are already putting your emotions somewhere else and crossing the line with flirty texts.
Perhaps after you have ‘sampled the goods’ just once, you may be able to move on more quickly.

I am NOT saying this is the way forward.

No, it definitely wouldn't. For neither of us in the marriage. What I'm trying to achieve here is to stop this from happening in my head. It's like when someone who I don't find attractive flirts with me or tries to get my attention - it's a no go from the start. I'm just not interested. End of. It would be absolutely amazing if it was that way towards EVERYONE, even those cute ones. I really don't want to feel that way and I'm sure there are people out there who are able to block those unwanted emotions...

Yeah, sounds normal to me. Getting a crush on a new guy acquaintance who give you a bit of positive attention. Makes you feel like a woman again.

Don't think there's any way of stopping that happening. It's what you do about it that matters. ie. nothing. Not even if he approached you and offered himself on a plate. Because? If he did that then he's a sleaze (unless he doesn't know you're married). If you accepted that offer it makes you a sleaze (because you definitely know you are married).

Just enjoy the daydream/fantasy/crush and leave it at that. It's okay to not follow through on your feelings for someone.

I'm currently enjoying a nice crush on one of my colleagues (worked with him for ages) simply because we sat chatting about non-work stuff for ... 20 minutes... He wasn't flirting. I know he wasn't flirting. He's not single even if he was flirty. His only crime was to take a bit of time to ... talk to me. The resulting daydreaming about him is simply nature's way of reminding me I'm feeling a bit undervalued and unloved at the moment. I know it'll fizzle out in a week or two (or when he pisses me off / work related) and I'll inwardly cringe and think "what on earth possessed me?".

And then I'll blame perimenopause.

DatingDinosaur that made me laugh 😂 And actually reminds me that is exactly what I experienced in the past, thinking good lord what was I thinking, afterwards 😅 But now .. I guess I have to wait patiently until it passes. Well enjoy your own little crush.

I also started consciously making myself bring my thoughts towards my husband instead of thinking about the other guy but guess what? The more you try to do it, the more your brain goes the opposite way 🤔

What really really exhausts me is the anticipation of a message or phone call... We have a meeting tomorrow so I'll be all puppy eyes... Surely it's not right for someone my age 😭

And whatever he's asking of me, I go above and beyond. How very pathetic

Although some cheaters are just arse holes, the truth is a lot of people cheat even when they love and care for their partner, attraction, lust and adrenaline can be very very hard to ignore and fight against. I don't think everyone who cheats is evil, hell I've been tempted on occasions but it's having the strength to resist and move on. I don't think humans are designed for monogamy, I think it's just those feelings at the beginning of a relationship are so strong and powerful that it's natural to miss /crave them when we are settled into a long term relationship.

I think it's totally natural.

It's just a little crush

Shininhout I couldn't agree more! That's exactly what I miss, this intensity, passion and adrenaline from the beginnings. On the other side, like I already said, I do appreciate what the long term relationship brings.

How do you stop yourself when you're tempted?? Please do share!

Antonio yes, it's a little crush. But not my first and quite consuming

@CaramelMacchiatto I was referencing the 90s song by Jennifer Paige! 😂

My advice would be to be adult about it. Remove your self from all but essential interaction with the person. And most importantly, tell your husband. It sounds mental but if you are able to both be adults and accept that crushes happen, it's much less likely to snow ball if you are able to be frank and honest. Something like "I really gel well with X, gotta nip that in the bud!"

Sounds to me like limerence. A crush that becomes a bit more than a crush and tips over into obsessive daydreaming. Some people are more prone to it than others.

I think the real honesty is to admit right here and now that we all have a crush. And the fact: your partners also have a crush

I am very prone to these limerence- type crushes as well, it's a real curse. I haven't had one in years though as the last time it happened the crush object reciprocated and tried it on and it scared me when it left the realm of fantasy. I didn't cheat but it made me feel really guilty about my lovely DH that I'd indulged it/sent signals to the extent that this man tried something. I feel your pain OP. I think sensitive/intense people are prone to these. And people who need validation.

Oh ... 😂

@CaramelMacchiatto

I'm all of those. Intense, sensitive and I've always needed valuation from the others. I'm well aware this comes from my less than ideal childhood however it's difficult to change it...

I don't seem any point in telling my husband. It won't do anything good apart from hurting him. I'm sure he finds other people attractive but he keeps it to himself as he knows this would hurt me.

The whole point of this post is to find a way of stopping this. I find it difficult to keep things professional. Ok, when he is professional (which he absolutely is) , we're good. I'd never start anything by myself. However any smallest flirty comment from his side or anything that can have a double meaning, I'm lost. It gives me the thrill and I simply want more. For something to happen between us. It's like I've lost my head and any reason I've ever had... I'm worried it's obvious to him I fancy him too. It would be massively embarrassing taking I'm in a relationship and our dealings.

He said the other day it would be dangerous for us to be neighbours. And that he's sure guys at work chat me up. And then he's completely, a 100% professional, concentrated on work. This is when I don't know if he's actually flirting or if I'm imagining things.

I’m prone to these limerence type of crushes too. I feel your pain. They’re usually someone I don’t even find conventionally attractive, which makes it even more strange.

I have one at the moment. It’s been just over two years. My head knows I don’t find him attractive. My head knows he is married and I am happily married. My head knows to avoid him at any costs. My head knows his flaws. Yet if he asked me for an afternoon of no strings attached sex, I’m sure I’d self combust. I daydream about him so often. I haven’t even seen him for months. I don’t know him well at all. When we have had to work together, we’ve both been 100% professional but there’s this tension in the air. Something unsaid. He’s awkward around me and equally I’m awkward around him. I can tell we are both trying to avoid one another, but then we’d end up locking eyes or I’d catch him looking at me. Or I find out he’s social media stalked me. That then fuels this. I just wish it’d go away. I loved the adrenaline at the beginning, it was driving me to be a better version of myself. Now I hate it. I wish I’d never even met him.

Could be a form of maladaptive daydreaming.

Olive how can you tell he's stalked you on SM? I'm now paranoid that my crush (also longer term like yours - and also not really my usual type physically ) can see me looking at his posts daily - which SM do you mean? But mine is subsiding as I've hardly seen him for months and he doesn't feed it now (used to a little bit). It's way too hard to shake it off if you keep seeing/speaking to them regularly. Maybe if you don't see him for a few more months (or evre) then it will stop.

It’s like fire. The oxygen is giving it attention and seeing them. Cut that off and it extinguishs.