Another Crush.... How Not To Have Them?!

[CaramelMacchiatto]

Me, middle age woman in a 10+ relationship. Yes, I admit I miss the attention, the butterflies, the newness however I appreciate stability, security, love and everything else that being with the long term partner brings. In the last few years I've had a few crushes. Unfortunately for me they are not just that. Crushes. When they start, sometimes completely unexpectedly, when I find myself completely surprised by feeling attracted to someone, my imagination goes wild about that person.

I will give the most recent example. Met someone through work. Very nice bloke but completely not my usual type. He then sent a few mildly flirty comments and it all started. Within a few days I was already obsessing whereas he went back to being polite but completely professional. I know this will pass, I've had this before but ...

No 1 - it will take me a long time to stop thinking about the guy. It'll be a completely wasted time. No 2 - why do I want something to happen and why can't this be just a thought, oh he's a good looking nice guy? I know some people have crushes but they don't wish to act on them. Me? I won't either however I wouldn't trust myself if he decided to approach me... No 3 before meeting this person I was in a really good spot with my partner. Very happy, no current issues, definitely can't say we're having a rough patch or anything like this. So why?? No 4 this is like a vicious circle.

Like I said happened before and I even thought to myself after my last crush that I will not let this happen again as it costs me a lot emotionally. Not worth it. I don't want to be that person. I want to focus on my relationship. I absolutely hate the feeling when your heart races expecting that message, the thrill of meeting that person, during that period I feel like I'm not myself, I'm switched off my normal life.... And I hate it. So I remember thinking recently, this is nice. Just me, my partner and stable life. Love it, feel happy and fulfilled. Don't want to go back to those doubtful thrills. And then baaaam. Why?? How do I break this and avoid??

I'm definitely not depressed. The opposite actually. I'm full of life and happy about things. Just something is missing. Thank you for the suggestions, I'll look into attachment issues.

I mean we are all different with different needs and personalities. Some people have a relationship and are hardly involved- just look at all the posts on here with these awful inadequate men.
If the convection isn't there with an existing partner then people are going to look for it elsewhere. Or compromise for children but probably eventually move on.

That's so interesting. I think for me it's actually the opposite. My life ATM is quite stable, monotonous even so maybe subconsciously I'm looking for the excitement. I think if there's too much going on for me at the same time, I'd probably wouldn't want another distraction.

You say you're middle aged. I'm just wondering if it could be hormonal? If you're in your 40s it could be the body's last ditch attempt to have lots of sex and have babies.
My friend who'd always been rather sensible, went a little wild in her 40s and had lots of crushes and an affair. She put it down to raging hormones.
For me personally, I used to have loads of crushes despite being madly in love with my lovely DH. I'd get obsessed with particular men and fantasise about them, blush furiously when I spoke to them. It was awful. I'm now 49 and it doesn't really happen anymore. I think that's because my own hormones have settled down and my oestrogen levels are plumetting. It's liberating.

@notsofast24
You have misunderstood what I have meant entirely
Attachment styles are formed in childhood and impact adulthood and how we form relationships, an awareness of how one's childhood shaped you helps to you understand how you react in all you adult relationships romantic or non romantic .
Fear of emotional intimacy , self esteem , emotional regulation , irrational behaviour etc. etc etc

No I understand, just don't think OPs behaviour is pathological

Can you elaborate on this more? What do you mean by "need to be noticed as a woman?" If he shows you affection and you know he loves you what's missing exactly do you think?

Like I said before I know he loves me strongly and in a mature way but just doesn't notice me as a woman any more. I miss complements and this spark in the eye when you only get when someone looks at you. I find my DH extremely attractive physically and tell him as much as I can. Which somehow annoys him occasionally as he thinks a relationship shouldn't be based on physicality only. I tried explaining to him that it's not the case at all, what matters for me is that on top of everything else we share, I am very lucky to get with someone so attractive. That if he was only good looking but we wouldn't share anything else, this relationship would end ages ago. So what I'm saying I miss him seeing me as an attractive woman. I find it quite sad that I get attention from random guys but not the one that matters to me.

Also, he spends a lot of time doing his things in the evenings so I feel lonely. I don't need to be with him 24/7, I'd find it suffocating but his need to be with me is completely different to mine.

I'm 47 and not peri menopausal yet. I've had this (crushes) in the last few years so don't think I can blame hormones however who knows, maybe when I've hit menopause in a few years' time, this will get better?

Having a small crush is one thing accepting and taking part in flirty messages is another.

My Mother was very like you as is my younger sister. They were both really bloody vain and had to be the centre of attention. It was tiresome. You are 47 and the chance of you not being in peri menopause are slim, you can be in perimenopause for a decade.

Oh dear I mean the OP hadn't done anything wrong has she?

I'd love to know how many of people in long term relationships feel cherished and desired by their partners in their daily lives. Perhaps my expectations/ needs are unrealistic... Maybe I have to accept the fact that these exciting feelings from the beginning just fade away. Maybe what I'm chasing doesn't exist...

I have no other symptoms.

😂 looks like I'm vain and tiresome because I have needs. I'm sorry 😔

On a more serious note, I'd love to hear from people in LTR as per my previous question. Perhaps I'm chasing the impossible.

For some reason this site both idolises and hates men and is completely obsessed with marriage. Which I still think is a patriarchal bondage.

I'm sure loads of people will tell you that their husbands of 30 years still want to rip their clothes off. However, in my own experience you can never get that initial intense sexual desire and excitement back. It lasts a year or so then calms down.
We've been together 21 years. I still find my husband attractive. I think he still finds me attractive. We have sex maybe a couple of times a month - so, not much but it's still happening. It's nothing like it was in the early years though! I still remember tingling with excitement if he touched my hand, how we'd spend all weekend in bed making love, the way he used to look at me.
Now 21 years down the line things are very different but that intense desire has been replaced by a very deep bond, a love that's still growing and a knowledge that he knows me better than anyone else.
I can't say he often demonstrates sexual desire towards me as we're going about our daily business. I'd probably be irritated if he did! But we love each other and love being together so it's enough for me.

Thanks for sharing SallyWD. It's so lovely you both appreciate what you have. Sometimes I feel I'm ungrateful for wanting more as my HD has been lovely and supportive over the years however I find it difficult to switch off those deep needs of mine. And from now and again they come back with massive force. Maybe it is unrealistic to enjoy the benefits of a LTR and have the thrill and excitement that a new relationship brings. As I'd like all of these. Apologies for being greedy 😉

I think you are a bit. Those feelings in a new relationship come precisely from the fact that's it's new. It's an adventure, it's exciting, you're exploring someone else for the first time. You're never going to be able to maintain that long term unless you're Drew Barrymore in 50 first dates.

Instead all of those feelings morph in feeling safe, and secure. It sounds like you have that, you know your husband loves you, you have plenty of affection.

Loads and loads of people feel the way you do, miss that feeling of new and exciting. Affairs would never happen if they didn't. Your decision is whether new and exciting trumps safe and secure. And even if you did leave your OH for someone else, eventually the new and exciting would fade there too.

Your partner can’t be everything to you op. You sound very self aware, I think you’ll get over this. Good luck 😊

I have a partner who always tells me he finds me sexy, loves me. All that stuff. So I don't think that is why I have the crushes at all.

Thank you, I needed to hear that. I remember thinking some time ago that maybe my relationships need to be "recycled" every few years so I can experience those butterflies I'm missing. But then I value my current relationship and wouldn't want to lose that.

Reading some of the comments give me the much needed reality check. Thank you ☺️

That's interesting. In my case I feel like if I was given enough of this at home, I wouldn't be so prone to the attention from the other guys. In your case, are they just crushes or are you obsessing like me?

Totally obsessing, sometimes it becomes unbearable

And would you actually on it if they reciprocated?