Another Crush.... How Not To Have Them?!

[CaramelMacchiatto]

Me, middle age woman in a 10+ relationship. Yes, I admit I miss the attention, the butterflies, the newness however I appreciate stability, security, love and everything else that being with the long term partner brings. In the last few years I've had a few crushes. Unfortunately for me they are not just that. Crushes. When they start, sometimes completely unexpectedly, when I find myself completely surprised by feeling attracted to someone, my imagination goes wild about that person.

I will give the most recent example. Met someone through work. Very nice bloke but completely not my usual type. He then sent a few mildly flirty comments and it all started. Within a few days I was already obsessing whereas he went back to being polite but completely professional. I know this will pass, I've had this before but ...

No 1 - it will take me a long time to stop thinking about the guy. It'll be a completely wasted time. No 2 - why do I want something to happen and why can't this be just a thought, oh he's a good looking nice guy? I know some people have crushes but they don't wish to act on them. Me? I won't either however I wouldn't trust myself if he decided to approach me... No 3 before meeting this person I was in a really good spot with my partner. Very happy, no current issues, definitely can't say we're having a rough patch or anything like this. So why?? No 4 this is like a vicious circle.

Like I said happened before and I even thought to myself after my last crush that I will not let this happen again as it costs me a lot emotionally. Not worth it. I don't want to be that person. I want to focus on my relationship. I absolutely hate the feeling when your heart races expecting that message, the thrill of meeting that person, during that period I feel like I'm not myself, I'm switched off my normal life.... And I hate it. So I remember thinking recently, this is nice. Just me, my partner and stable life. Love it, feel happy and fulfilled. Don't want to go back to those doubtful thrills. And then baaaam. Why?? How do I break this and avoid??

It's sooo nice to know I'm not the only one 😄

Limerance, I think people with OCD are more prone to it.

Yes I thought limerence too. Obsessive thinking

It is difficult, OP. I had a crush and it turned out he felt the same and we took it further. Absolute disaster and it took over my mind 24/7 and I couldn't think about anything else

I now realise this was limerence and it ended in complete rejection as he clearly just wanted to get his leg over and then go back to his wife. Lesson truly learned.

I think crushes are totally normal in middle age especially as we need to feel wanted. The key is not to act on it.

One of the very best things about reaching menopause and my libido plummeting is that my brain can no longer hijack me with this bullshit. It's such a relief.

There could be several things going on here.

You as an individual: difficult upbringing, seeking ‘butterflies’, validation and recognition from people - outside your main relationships, strong emotions, imagination, poor ‘boundaries’ (engaging in flirting etc). Some factors that could put you at risk for this kind of problem in your own mind, and for having affairs.

Your relationship with your H: you say ‘things are missing for me a bit’, but also that you think you are more into him than he you and that the way he behaves towards you isn’t what you would like.

You also seem unsure whether your dissatisfaction with your H is due: (1) to your personal issues - are your wishes unrealistic? (2) problems with him - is he actually not a great long term option? Or (3) problems with your relationship. Or a mix!

If you can afford it or can get it through work suggest counselling (for yourself) with someone well qualified. Especially if you have DC to consider or want them with your H.

Disagree that crushes of this frequency and intensity, where OP isn’t sure she’d decline if an OM initiated a relationship, are ‘the norm’. It seems quite different to a ‘passing fancy’ / finding people attractive.

I agree they're not the norm, my friends in real life haven't been able to relate to me when I've described this and I've felt quite lonely and judged. So I appreciate threads like this. OP when I was last in the grip of a crush I read a book called 'unrequited- a thinking woman's guide to romantic obsession' by Lisa Phillips which helped me understand it a bit. Therapy has also helped me a lot

I think yes but the fact that the women are straight probably means it would never happen and maybe I'm focussing on them because they are unattainable? Who knows? I did used to have the crushes on men but the last two have been women.

Well this will surely be an absolute blessing for me actually

I have had the most awful crushes all my life, but not when in a healthy relationship. Since hitting menopause I'd have said they've died down, but I had a really bad one before Christmas. They make you feel more alive, but leave you questioning yourself.

My take-home is:
I've never had a crush when my relationship is going well.
I am on the autism spectrum, and know all about limerent objects! This seems to mesh with the OCD/ADHD experiences upthread.
I'm currently the object of one, and frankly, it's unsettling!

What would we say to married man posting this?

Ah I have a massive crush on some guy in the gym, it's been going on about 8 months now. Every time I see him I go all nervous and turn into a bumbling, stumbling, grinning loon on the treadmill, seriously I'm going to fall off one day!

Every time we set eyes on each other (seems almost every time we look up) I go all bashful and feel guilty for looking but then I have to tell myself he's also looking at me. He also walks by machine a lot. If only I could talk to him or even smile at him.

I've planned in my head what I'd say to him if I saw him, then he walks past me within talking distance and I'm back to being a silly teenager. I just want to know if he's single, what his name is and whether I'm imagining it all.

I'm single though and he's the first man I've fancied in about 3 years.

Aw that's so nice. The fact you catch him looking at you means he likes you too! It's probably just the matter of time you start talking. Good luck ☺️

Thanks all, all comments are interesting and insightful. I agree that I'd be eaten alive if I was a man posting this. Luckily for me , your replies have been kind.

Just to let you all know, I had a lovely weekend with my DH where we spent some nice quality time together and I was so happy to be with him. My crush didn't cross my mind (that much!) and I felt like I needed to give my head a wobble and appreciate what I have.

Is it the end for me? Unfortunately probably not. With this guy or next but I want to do everything I can to avoid these. Thanks for the book recommendation newnamesameoldlurker. I'll have a look ☺️

I had an all consuming crush on a man at work. He wasn't my type at all, but I found him irresistible. My husband and children took a back seat to my feelings and fantasies about this man. The crush ended abruptly when he cornered me, told me he fancied me, and asked me to meet him later that evening. Instead of being elated, I was terrified and couldn't get away from him quickly enough. I'm sure it was something to do with peri. It's never happened again. It was scary how it took over my life for a while though.

Oh this is something different than the main topic. This is sort of something.

Hi Op, I wish I had the answer to your question as I used to ask this myself. I ended up just accepting it for what it was and it made my life easier.

I did come up up with a theory one sleepless night though. I wonder what your early crushes / relationships were like in relation to your parents. Were you talking to your family about your boyfriends/ teenage crushes? I wasn’t. There was an episode in my young years that made me not to. Even my current relationship of 20+ years I kept secret from family until my sister told on me(it was early days back then and it wasn’t a mean thing, just to clear things out). However my early teenage crushes were long distance and kind of impossible. So I guess my brain got used to being in a mode where impossible relationships were the norm, let’s say. I remember getting a strong crush on someone about 6 years ago, and could not figure out why, and was annoyed at the same time that this would happen to me just when things were getting better with my life( in my current relationship and professional life as well). This question really consumed me. I am only trying to make a parallel with the case of people that end up in relationships with abusers and why they attract such people when them themselves grew up in abusive families. It is because this what they know and this is their normality. What I am guessing, in my case at least, is that when my own relationship stopped challenging my brain for different other reasons, my brain could not just relax and entered in its old “safe” mode of unrequited love? It may sound crazy but this is all I could come up with. It would be interesting to see if other posters’ experiences resonate with mine.

Can I just add that the early teenage crushes led to a lot of fantasising wen a real relationship was not on the cards. This kind of translates in current times as some sort of escapism if you wish. The last crush I developed, is a lot less intense but came at a very stressful time in my life.

What sort of something? You’ve got me worried now!!! 😂

This is one of the most interesting threads I have read on mumsnet

I don’t think the situatiom @pleasecallmeback describes is different from the theme of the thread - it just shows that when it came sown to it and having had the thoughts/emotions/chemicals etc she (sensibly) didn’t want to pursue a relationship with the person she felt attracted to.

a ‘simple’ or intense crush or attraction isn’t necessarily one sided.

I have a crush that’s been in my head for over a decade! Can anyone beat that 🤦‍♀️ he was the one that got away.

I’m happily married, have a great life with my husband but every few years he pops up on social media or text and I’m right back to that all consuming array of emotions and to be brutally honest I’ve never forgotten about him either, we were terrible as a couple and he was a twat back then but the sad thing is that man will be my crush forever and in my thoughts always, I know he will and have no idea how to even begin to clear my mind of him

I have had about three terribly limetant crushes in the last 6 or so years. I found the best way to get over it is to just indulge in the fantasy day dreams until you get bored. I think mine get worse when I am feeling a bit low.