Another Crush.... How Not To Have Them?!

[CaramelMacchiatto]

Me, middle age woman in a 10+ relationship. Yes, I admit I miss the attention, the butterflies, the newness however I appreciate stability, security, love and everything else that being with the long term partner brings. In the last few years I've had a few crushes. Unfortunately for me they are not just that. Crushes. When they start, sometimes completely unexpectedly, when I find myself completely surprised by feeling attracted to someone, my imagination goes wild about that person.

I will give the most recent example. Met someone through work. Very nice bloke but completely not my usual type. He then sent a few mildly flirty comments and it all started. Within a few days I was already obsessing whereas he went back to being polite but completely professional. I know this will pass, I've had this before but ...

No 1 - it will take me a long time to stop thinking about the guy. It'll be a completely wasted time. No 2 - why do I want something to happen and why can't this be just a thought, oh he's a good looking nice guy? I know some people have crushes but they don't wish to act on them. Me? I won't either however I wouldn't trust myself if he decided to approach me... No 3 before meeting this person I was in a really good spot with my partner. Very happy, no current issues, definitely can't say we're having a rough patch or anything like this. So why?? No 4 this is like a vicious circle.

Like I said happened before and I even thought to myself after my last crush that I will not let this happen again as it costs me a lot emotionally. Not worth it. I don't want to be that person. I want to focus on my relationship. I absolutely hate the feeling when your heart races expecting that message, the thrill of meeting that person, during that period I feel like I'm not myself, I'm switched off my normal life.... And I hate it. So I remember thinking recently, this is nice. Just me, my partner and stable life. Love it, feel happy and fulfilled. Don't want to go back to those doubtful thrills. And then baaaam. Why?? How do I break this and avoid??

I'm sure it would fade away easier if I didn't see him but we work together. He's a supplier and he's assigned to me... When I see him, I behave like a teenage. Dry mouth, shaky hands and giggles. Aaaargh

You sound very giddy about it so you’re building it all up too much. Do you have a good life outside of work? Full? I can’t imagine shaking over someone I fancy.

I get these types of crushes too OP and it's so consuming. You have my full sympathy. I had a huge crush on a guy at work and would often catch him looking at me, which fuelled it even more. Nothing ever happened or was even said, but the feeling was so intense, and there was definitely some chemistry going on. He moved on to a different department, so I haven't seen him in around 2 years, but I'm afraid to say I still catch myself thinking/daydreaming about him often.

*Id wonder if he was waiting for something better to come along. But perhaps - you are too?

I think crushes will always happen and be all consuming, unless you're with the right person.*

Agree with this

Let's take a step back.
You're identifying way too much with what's happening and the more you're trying to repress it, the more intensely it will pop back up.
Having/developing crushes is normal. There is nothing wrong with it, as long as you're able not to act on it. Trying not to develop crushes is like trying not to feel other things like hunger or fatigue.

Why? Because deep down you have an emotional need, and developing this crush is the way your subconscious meets that need. Like your need for validation, feeling desired, etc.

What happens though, what makes you reject these crushes, is that you don't like the way you behave when you have this crush. You become a bit obsessive, you daydream too much, waste a lot of time and energy, and you start to doubt whether you'll be able to resist. Those things actually have very little to do with the crush.
There's the feeling (crush), and then there's the behaviour you choose to engage in. You dislike the behaviour (which you can control), but you reject the feeling (which is inevitable).

Maybe try to figure out what needs you have, maybe some that stem from your childhood, and why having a crush is actually a good way to meet those needs. Because it's better to have a crush and to daydream than to cheat, right? Maybe these crushes and fantasies are what's helping you remain faithful, because they keep you from having a physical desire to cheat?

Then, try to figure out how to emotionally regulate yourself enough to control the behaviours you don't like.

As others have said, crushes are very normal. Mine are always absolutely agonising though. I’ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD and I am certain there’s a connection. I get that dopamine kick from thinking about or interacting with them, and am left desperately craving it the rest of the time.

Just putting it forward as something to consider.

That's a good point, actually. I suspect I may have ADHD but have never been diagnosed. It would make sense for how I have been my whole adult life. The dopamine kick from thinking about them or seeing them is definitely a thing!

@Killerqueenie I know getting an assessment is anything but easy but if you think it might be relevant to you then it’s probably worth pursuing.

I’m middle aged and only just put all the pieces together. The first time I tried medication was life-changing. I am still so emotional about it. I just keep thinking, I KNEW life wasn’t meant to be quite so difficult. I have a university degree and a professional career and my entire life has been a massive struggle to keep it all together. Then stimulants calmed me down, who knew!

(Edited to change a word… meditation is great, but it was MEDICATION that changed my life in an instant! Sorry for the derail OP)

Hbosh.... Very well said. Like I said I wouldn't mind those crushes if they were only this, crushes. It looks like 100% my emotional needs are not met in life. I probably need more attention from my DH, it's been an issue for a long time now. I very often feel alone as he likes his space and activities. Which I respect and understand as I do my own hobbies and need my own space sometimes too but I think it's too much. So maybe that's why the crushes become such a big thing in my head ...

Anyway you said I should try to regulate myself emotionally. How do I do that? I have strong emotional needs, I don't necessarily get them from my DH. Am I ready to leave? No, as otherwise he's a good man and we're good together. But sometimes I think it would be lovely to be with someone who's crazy about me. But how long would that last? Also, would I not feel suffocated? Even I can't answer these questions. What do you mean by regulating myself emotionally? Maybe that's what needs to happen.

Op no one would stay crazy with you for ever and then what would you do. If your current relationship is good then work on the areas you think are needing nurturing. Fill your emotional needs with friends and family and your passions. I actually think these intense crushes that go on and on can be an indicator of something else. Do you validate yourself?

Ffs, I hope the next bloke that posts on here gets as much positive support and is told that when they couldn't promise not to do anything if the object of their crush became encouraging.....

Actually, I don't. If you can't Trust yourself to be faithful to your partner then thats massive alarm bells, whatever gender you, or they are.

Especially if it's repeated behaviour.

OP if your not happy in your relationship, leave. Life is too short to live where you are not fulfilled

In my experience, if you’re regularly having these kinds of crushes, you are really not that into your partner. I experienced this with a long term boyfriend and like you thought it was just part of settling down. I’ve been with my husband (a different guy, to be clear!) for 8 years now and have never experienced it, because my feelings for him are so strong.

Maybe therapy or CBT would be useful? As it's something you want to stop. You might be able to find out the root of it and look to work on that. Or just practice a replacement thought pattern when it happens.

Have you heard of limerence?
Also, did you compromise with your partner?
I have crushes and am a romantic deep deep down - it's built in to me and I can relate. Even after being dormant after all this time it's still in there and can reappear. I think sometimes we are just not cut out to be with one person and also I like the excitement of possibility.

I think it's really relevant that you didn't fancy him until he flirted. To me, that suggests your attraction was triggered by: He noticed me!

However happy you were with your DH prior to this do you feel generally a bit invisible? My DH is lovely but more than 50% of the time he doesn't even bother to reply if I speak. When I feel too invisible I have a row with him and he makes an effort for a few weeks!

I think it's often the case where one partner is much more into the other person and though the other one can manage it's not the same.

The other thing I think these crushes indicate is that we want more excitement in life but are too passive to create any, so the idea that he might make a move gets us fired up over nothing.

Ime, finding something you feel genuinely passionate about - not a fling, obviously, but doing something really challenging and fulfilling - starting a business, training for a marathon or long cycle ride or mountain climb, writing a book, joining a band and performing live etc etc - all these things give the real life buzz you're after without destroying your marriage.

I get it OP. I have these all consuming crushes too. The last two have been about women and I'm a woman. I don't know how to stop them I'm afraid. I have one now been going on for three years!

Look up attachment disorders
You sound like you have attachment issues
Get some psychotherapy , read some books.
Having a 'crush' also gives happy hormones serotonin is released into your body , this rush of happiness is what you crave .
Are you clinically depressed.
Something deeper is going on for youth's has nothing to do with these men

I agree with this. That's why I do an exciting job I recognise I need the adrenaline.

You hit the nail on the head here! I very often feel invisible to my DH! Like part of furniture. I know he loves me and appreciates me but after years together he takes me for granted. And I'm the kind of person who wants and needs to be noticed.

I've had so many conversations with him about it. If anything changes, it's only for a while.

Like I mentioned before leaving could be an option but No1 I like our life together and no 2 will any bloke fulfil me 100% in this respect? And if they give me everything I need emotionally, will the other aspects of our life together be good as well? I don't think perfect relationships exist.

I’ve had a few crushes over the years, sometimes on not even particularly attractive people, and what I realised a few years ago was that my brain used it for distraction when something big was happening or needed to change in my life.

If I was moving city, thinking about leaving a relationship, starting a new job, in poor health etc then my brain was looking for something else to think about rather than worrying about reality. When that period of worry or transition was over, then the crush would vanish.

When I realised that then I began to treat crushes as helpful signs that I was under stress and that I needed to focus on improving my situation.

I don't think that's true. One person usually a fairly inadequate man is hardly going to be fulfilling for a lifetime except very very occasional good matches.

I am busy in life. Work, home, hobbies. But no, I don't really value myself that much. I've always looked for valuation from others. This has roots in my less than perfect childhood. I find it difficult to change this. Don't even know how.

I totally agree. I'm much more into my DH than he is into me emotionally. He does show me affection and I know he loves me but I just need to be noticed as a woman. Sadly I don't really get that from him that much unless he sees it us aware there's "competition '.