Am I being a mug?

[namechange3458]

Boyfriend (31) and I (32) have been together for close to 4 years. I have a child from a previous relationship and he met my child around 2 years into it. We don't live together but have recently spoken about buying somewhere together. He asked how I feel about marriage and we are both on the same page that marriage is necessary if I have a child with him. I'd be happy just having ds but he wants a child.. Living together currently wouldn't be the right decision for any of us.

Basically things are going well generally, we've taken it very slow and enjoy our time together. We don't argue or bicker at all, do have discussions if anything comes up and they end positively. I'm well aware things are different when you throw in kids and living together, but overall it couldn't have been any better.

However.. after Xmas he told me he wanted to travel with a couple of friends the following month for one month. I questioned if the relationship was what he wanted as I felt like here I am saving for a house (on my own of together!) and he is planning something entirely different. He said it's places he's always wanted to visit and he would hate to miss out so I couldn't exactly say no, I wouldn't say no anyway! He is child free and I don't want him to feel like he should miss out. He knows I'd love to do similar. He's never looked after ds or had any responsibility towards him whatsoever. Ds has a good dad who has him 40% of the week.

Now he's coming to the end of the travelling and it's basically been a month of getting pissed, going to bars and clubs, taking cocaine and smoking weed in various hostels. Not the once in a lifetime trip he made it out to be.. I haven't said anything about it as I don't want to be negative when he is at the other side of the world. To put my month into perspective I work 7 days a week every week and I've been dealing with appts, parents evening, dentist, gp and out of hours gp, school, sick child, 2 different jobs and really stressful times in both, plus usual house chores etc and then at the end of each day I'm reading messages from him about how drunk he got or how high he is and I just feel full of absolute rage! I can't bring myself to respond half of the time and I just feel a bit lost and like a loser putting up with this.

I should also say, this man is very well travelled he goes away every other month for stags etc I don't expect him not to have a life, he recently travelled to America (I was working so couldn't go) and I was happy for him, he explored a lot of different areas and I enjoyed hearing about it. This just feels different to me and taking the piss

Taking cocaine???
Maybe I an old fuddy duddy but I wouldn’t even want or trust a friend who took drugs let alone a husband or partner.
I would be cutting contact with him sharpish and feel glad I had found this out before I was tied to him.

Travelling fine, no to the drugs it would be over.

@Blackcats7 I know this is what I'm thinking, he was so blasé about telling me which was surprising I think he might have lost touch with (my) reality. I once asked him if he's ever done it and he said a couple of times when he was younger. It isn't anything he's ever told me he's done whilst I've known him so I was shocked about it.

Bin him

Please don't stay involved with anyone who does drugs. Even if he is never responsible for your ds he may live with him one day. What a role model.

Drugs are a def no in any shape or form.. Imo.

Hmm, not a picture of a responsible grown up is it? He’s not the person to breed with. I’d not move in, you’re in different spaces.

@Holypricks yeah I think we are too this is why I questioned the relationship when he told me about the trip as I could sense it would be like this. It was so last minute too but he assured me there was an indepth itinerary, reality is the only things arranged were the party hostels!

Taking time out to travel before making a long term commitment - no problem.

Taking drugs and acting like a back packing student on a gap year - huge red flag

Insist on an STD check if you are even considering sleeping with him ever again. Seriously.

Yep travelling fine but still taking drugs into his thirties esp ones like cocaine and weed I feel he’ll have no motivation and horrendous mood swings and the drugs would be a huge turn off from me. This guy sounds immature and reckless.

if it was just you that’s your choice but please don’t let your child get close to him.

@Mydahliasareshit I have thought that but I don't want to look mental. He's never given me any reason to consider he would cheat but obviously drinking to excess and taking cocaine don't feel me with confidence.

Sounds like he still lives his life like a teenager even though he's in his thirties. The cocaine and weed is a hard no for me for starters as I have zero tolerance for drug users in any shape or form. What stands out even more is that you say he goes away on stags or the like every other month. You are not quite a mug yet but if you have a child with this man and then get all shocked when he continues to want to live like a free spirit then you will very much be a mug of your own making. He sounds very far from being a good life partner and parent to me.

I’d also feel that, yeah all great when you’re together, but he’s living his life and you’re a part of it, but certainly not the focus. Will this change just because you live together?

@namechange3458

Don't get involved with Coke heads or piss heads as addictions like that can get out of control
rather than you having fun and being in control,

It's also the next level dramas like something out of Jeremy Kyle morning tv show back in the idea...

God 🙏 don't go there...

I'd bin him.

He sounds pathetic.

I think he lied to you about the importance of the trip tbh. Just wanted month away like a bachelor..couple week fine...a month... nah. Not for me, especially as i have a child and boyfriend knew that. Have you ever been away together?

Tbh i would never date anyone who took cocaine, people are big headed dicks on it..also i wouldn't have it round my kids xxx

Hmm...it does seem a childish waste of money. I mean, that's fine if that's what he values...but you're on a different page. I think this could potentially spell trouble for you.

"Love does not consist of gazing inwards at one another but outwards together in the same direction."

I'd feel resentful and let down. I'd think about how he presented the trip as something other than a month long lads holiday. Basically lied about it to run off with his pals. Has he fucked about as well? Who knows? He's full of shit.

I'd probably begin to reassess the relationship.

(cough) manchild

Yes agree he is selfish person wanting to be like forever Peter Pan...

There’s a few different issues here really.

I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong with travelling or enjoying his time as he sees fit - my DH was a single parent when we met and before we moved in together and had our own DC I travelled with friends, went away with work, had lots of nights out and generally did my own thing a lot of the time.
So I understand that whilst you’re not married or living together or share children, he really doesn’t have any obligations and the fact that you have to work a lot and juggle your childcare and chores - well that’s on you really. And it’s not his fault, you’ve both decided not to share a house or fully commit to each other yet, so what’s he meant to do? Stop travelling and doing what he enjoys because it will make you feel resentful?

However, and this is where it’s different - you are 4 years into a relationship and have talked about settling down together but his actions don’t show someone who is really considering doing that. Seems he still wants to live it up and he isn’t factoring you into this.
you’re in a relationship but you’re not partners in life. Which you really should be as it sounds like you’ve agreed a future together?

The drinking and cocaine thing is an ick and I wouldn’t like that really, but when you factor in the differences in your life, it’s almost comical that he’s reporting all this back to you? it’s totally at odds.

He’s basically tone deaf isn’t he? I think it’s fine for him in theory to travel and stuff but he isn’t reading the room at all.

I'm sorry you're in this position.
He has basically lied to you about the importance of the trip. He's made out that it's something he always wanted to do, you had no problem with that at all. But all it's been is a drink and drug fuelled party binge.
I really don't think you should invest yourself, your DS or your money into going any further with this relationship, hard as that will be probably to accept.
I wouldn't be able to get past the fact that he'd lied, let alone the drugs. You don't need him round your DS, if he's prepared to do that.
Wishing you luck going forward with this 💐

Raise your bar op. A druggie bf? Surely not all you're worth?

I agree with @Hotgirlwinter .

I'd take it as a blessing that you already had a child and your responsible life meant you could see clearly what he's like. Many people get into relationships both child free and overlook the partying habits of the man whilst they're both commitment free, think they'll change once settled but get left at home watching the kids and doing all the housework. It doesn't seem like he really cares about you if he's off enjoying his life, knowing you're exhausted and struggling. Not that there's anything wrong with you, he's probably the type who can't put himself in other people's shoes. Not someone you want to have a child with. I also can't understand someone saying they really want to have a child, but showing no interest in supporting their partner with the child they have currently, first. Would your child just get ignored and put to one side by him if you had a child with him, or would he treat her like family?