Am I being a mug?

[namechange3458]

Boyfriend (31) and I (32) have been together for close to 4 years. I have a child from a previous relationship and he met my child around 2 years into it. We don't live together but have recently spoken about buying somewhere together. He asked how I feel about marriage and we are both on the same page that marriage is necessary if I have a child with him. I'd be happy just having ds but he wants a child.. Living together currently wouldn't be the right decision for any of us.

Basically things are going well generally, we've taken it very slow and enjoy our time together. We don't argue or bicker at all, do have discussions if anything comes up and they end positively. I'm well aware things are different when you throw in kids and living together, but overall it couldn't have been any better.

However.. after Xmas he told me he wanted to travel with a couple of friends the following month for one month. I questioned if the relationship was what he wanted as I felt like here I am saving for a house (on my own of together!) and he is planning something entirely different. He said it's places he's always wanted to visit and he would hate to miss out so I couldn't exactly say no, I wouldn't say no anyway! He is child free and I don't want him to feel like he should miss out. He knows I'd love to do similar. He's never looked after ds or had any responsibility towards him whatsoever. Ds has a good dad who has him 40% of the week.

Now he's coming to the end of the travelling and it's basically been a month of getting pissed, going to bars and clubs, taking cocaine and smoking weed in various hostels. Not the once in a lifetime trip he made it out to be.. I haven't said anything about it as I don't want to be negative when he is at the other side of the world. To put my month into perspective I work 7 days a week every week and I've been dealing with appts, parents evening, dentist, gp and out of hours gp, school, sick child, 2 different jobs and really stressful times in both, plus usual house chores etc and then at the end of each day I'm reading messages from him about how drunk he got or how high he is and I just feel full of absolute rage! I can't bring myself to respond half of the time and I just feel a bit lost and like a loser putting up with this.

Everything else asside too, it doesn't sound like you want another child. Don't have kids if you don't desperately want them. Let alone just because a man might.

Let alone a drug taking boy of a guy like this.

I mean I'm glad you've got your head screwed on wanting him to show commitment via marriage first but... if you don't want another kid then don't have one. It shouldn't be a negotiation or a compromise in order to try keep a partner.

To put my month into perspective I work 7 days a week every week and I've been dealing with appts, parents evening, dentist, gp and out of hours gp, school, sick child, 2 different jobs and really stressful times in both, plus usual house chores etc

I wouldn't focus on this as it would have been the same if he'd had a well defined trip of a lifetime and everything you've listed is your responsibility, not his. But the drugs would be a hard no

@namechange3458 honestly I doubt he would change even if you got tied to him with a house/marriage/child together.

he’ll be swanning off as and when he wants and expect you to sit at home and carry on regardless.

You will take the brunt of child raising, life admin and holding down the fort whilst he swans off on stags and piss ups shovelling coke up his nose which could have gone towards his family costs.

This is very unlikely to be his first cokeathon whilst with you. I expect all the stags etc were the same. And very feasible for it to be a ‘what happens on tour..’ mentality between the friends with regards one night stands etc.

Massive hugs.

as a single parent myself I would not have been planning to tie myself further to someone like this.

I don’t think it’s reasonable for you complain that he’s on holiday whilst you’re looking after a sick child, doing parents evenings etc. You are a parent he is not. He has the freedom to travel where ever and when ever he wants.

You haven’t stated his financial situation. Does he earn enough to be easily saving for both a house and the holiday? If so that’s his business. If not you have a valid point there.

You should really be trialing living together before buying a property together. What if you made the huge commitment of buying together only for you to find out you aren’t compatible living together?

Everyone’s shock horror at cocaine is still surprising. It’s incredibly common these days.

OP you live very different lives he’s way too immature for where you’re at in life. You’re not well suited.

I know a lot of people on Mumsnet have had bad experiences with partners who take drugs etc but I know loads of people who partake of party drugs here and there and still have very successful, normal ordinary lives. Him going travelling and getting high and partying isn't in itself a deal breaker. However, it does seem as though you are both at different stages, different outlooks. I would not be interested in bringing a step father into my child's life who is still aboard the party bus. I think that's probably why you are annoyed because you know yourself that it's not going anywhere. I think I'd go further and say....I think him going travelling for a month is him starting the slow goodbye.

Doesn't matter how common it is. The sort of people who partake in drug use are fuelling an evil trade with wide ranging consequences for vulnerable people around the globe.

You could forgive an impressionable teenager, or someone in their early 20s perhaps. But not a grown man who professes to want marriage and kids. He has shown he has no morals and is selfish.

Thank you all for your opinions I agree with them all. I think the real sticking point for me is that the trip has just been a lads holiday.

He wants to have kids and 'settle' but by then my child will be older and I will be close to leaving the intense Groundhog Day life and have the chance to do whatever I please. I am always questioning if another child is what I want. I'm not looking at it with rose tinted glasses on. I also appreciate the fact I can support me and my child, could I easily support two children if I had to go it alone? Probably not no. I wouldn't do it again if I had any doubt in my mind.

Our lives are too opposite and this isn't the kind of relationship that I want.

I did laugh at the pp who said he must be tone deaf telling me about the cocaine. I got off of the phone in disbelief he even he told me.

The talk of marriage and living together is probably all bollocks so I felt better about the trip... It all happened at a similar time.

I'm not expecting him to do any of the things I've had to deal with for the last month, sick child etc etc but when your boyfriend is living on a completely different planet to you it does make you feel at odds with each other. I wouldn't expect him to take my child to school or do my job for me, but it highlights the differences in our lives that is all.

What job does he do to get so much leave to allow travelling every other month and then a whole month off?

It must be tough for you having to work seven days to keep on top of things and he's off travelling all the time. I can't see how your lives would fit together.

For me, the drug taking would be enough to end things. I don't care how common it is these days, I have no space for them in my life.

As much as I don’t agree with drugs, I don’t actually know what you’re putting up with, he’s your boyfriend, you don’t even live together, he is child free, he can go and do this if he chooses.

you sound jealous, and resentful that you can’t do similar. Go off and party. The child’s dad has them 40 percent of the time, so the fact you’ve responsibilities over being a parent should not impact him.

What do you want then, someone else with a kid 60 percent of the time?

No I do agree with all that.

But if you purchase from high street fashion stores you’re also fuelling a vile trade so there’s a level of hypocrisy with it. Alcohol is also a drug, not illegal, granted.

My point is we all indulge in questionable practices.

Well, I don’t drink, do drugs or shop at them stores tbf. Anyway it’s derailing OPs thread.

I’d have lost respect for him with messages like that too

Everyone’s shock horror at cocaine is still surprising. It’s incredibly common these days.

Being common doesn't mean it isn't a massive risk and a dangerous drug. My partner started as a 'party person' in his 20's, died a very frail shadow of his former self at barely age 40.

I wouldn't go anywhere near a person who thought this was 'just fun/everyone does it' ever again.

Put your child and yourself first OP. This one's for shelving now. He will put your future at risk.

It's interesting that different people focus on different angles in this scenario.
I keep coming back to the manipulation of how this trip was presented...as 'travelling' and 'bucket list'. Makes it seem culturally enriching and good for personal growth. It wasn't that and was never intended to be.
It's deceitful and self serving and that is what sets my alarm off.

Didn’t say it wasn’t either.

@Freakinfraser what's up? I was jealous of his trip to America, he's fully aware! I was meant to go to America but I couldn't, I was invited to join him for a week on this trip but I can't face working so much to use my money on it when I want a house. I was still happy for him during the American trip and I enjoyed the daily updates, it is possible to be happy that someone you love is doing something you'd also like to do. The problem is not the trip the problem is he's acting like he's 18 and in magaluf, which isn't the kind of person I want as a boyfriend. Which is why I've made the post!

I think you want different things. I don't think it's fair for you to be finding a house for him when he wants to spend his money on holidays. You sound like you need someone to nest with, him someone to explore with. Some couples can balance this but not surprised he's given you the ick (or is about to.)

Personally, I could live with someone travelling for a month or going on a lads holiday...or taking coke and smoking weed while doing either..

I'm not into those who sing a different song depending on who they're singing to. I don't like being manipulated or having my good nature used for personal gain. What's he going to oil up for my delectation next? Cannae trust him.

You've got a child. Don't throw your lot in with someone who is pissing his money up a wall on the other side of the world for a month with the lads, snorting coke in a hostel bunk bed. He will still be pulling this shit when you've got his baby as well, you know this isn't going to end well. Paddle your own canoe.

There's nothing wrong with his lifestyle or yours, I just think you're at very different stages of your life and have completely different lives. I don't think your futures or present lives are compatible.

Don't think he will change because he won't. They never do. He sounds much too immature to have a baby, a home and get married.
I was a single mum and there is no way I'd marry someone like that.
You'll be left holding the baby.

Will you be able to buy a place for you and your son @namechange3458 ? I would focus on that. It doesn't sound like this man is husband and co-parent material. It sounds like you have things really sorted for your son and it would be awful to jeopardise that.

@Velvian I'm saving around £800-£1000 per month at the moment but I am working myself into the ground for it. It's only really feasible for another 18months so I need to keep every penny I can and get a house as soon as I can. My rent is high in comparison to my income and it's going up again in May. Luckily I'm not relying on my boyfriend to buy a house with me though at the time the idea was nice but very short lived.

Men who want to settle down don't go on month long trips like this away from their partners.