Am I being a mug?

[namechange3458]

Boyfriend (31) and I (32) have been together for close to 4 years. I have a child from a previous relationship and he met my child around 2 years into it. We don't live together but have recently spoken about buying somewhere together. He asked how I feel about marriage and we are both on the same page that marriage is necessary if I have a child with him. I'd be happy just having ds but he wants a child.. Living together currently wouldn't be the right decision for any of us.

Basically things are going well generally, we've taken it very slow and enjoy our time together. We don't argue or bicker at all, do have discussions if anything comes up and they end positively. I'm well aware things are different when you throw in kids and living together, but overall it couldn't have been any better.

However.. after Xmas he told me he wanted to travel with a couple of friends the following month for one month. I questioned if the relationship was what he wanted as I felt like here I am saving for a house (on my own of together!) and he is planning something entirely different. He said it's places he's always wanted to visit and he would hate to miss out so I couldn't exactly say no, I wouldn't say no anyway! He is child free and I don't want him to feel like he should miss out. He knows I'd love to do similar. He's never looked after ds or had any responsibility towards him whatsoever. Ds has a good dad who has him 40% of the week.

Now he's coming to the end of the travelling and it's basically been a month of getting pissed, going to bars and clubs, taking cocaine and smoking weed in various hostels. Not the once in a lifetime trip he made it out to be.. I haven't said anything about it as I don't want to be negative when he is at the other side of the world. To put my month into perspective I work 7 days a week every week and I've been dealing with appts, parents evening, dentist, gp and out of hours gp, school, sick child, 2 different jobs and really stressful times in both, plus usual house chores etc and then at the end of each day I'm reading messages from him about how drunk he got or how high he is and I just feel full of absolute rage! I can't bring myself to respond half of the time and I just feel a bit lost and like a loser putting up with this.

IME coke heads are not great to be around. You might see a different side of him if you move in together. I’d be thinking hard about compatibility given that you have responsibilities in life that you obviously manage well.

It would bother me, yes. The lack of understanding towards you would bother me and how 'free' he sounds is like he's having the best of both worlds.

And how old is this peach of a chap who's still living like he's 18 forever?
You are at different life stages, he doesn't want to be a parent is the truth of it. He likes the idea of passing on his genes sure, but he wants a woman to have his child to do all the care, nurturing, administration, sick cover etc. No chance will he be much help. He's looked at you, seen you've done it all on your own and thinks you'd be up for a repeat while he just gets to occasionally show off his DC to friends and family.
You are right to reconsider having another. It's tough on your own with 1, with 2 spread out over years, that's decades of child rearing ahead - tyring just thinking about it.
Once you have your house and your DC becomes more independent, you can look at doing all the travelling you want.
As for the drugs, there's plenty of older people still doing coke after years, they don't always magically grow up one day.
( I wouldn't touch him on return without a negative sti test result first).

He will be off ‘finding himself’ next, then what are you going to do.
All good advice here OP, save yourself and child. I’m surprised you would even have him back in your home.

He sounds immature, and you want a mature gentle man to settle with, no another child in his teens.

I would bin it. Definitely no buying a house with my money for him and no having a child with him.

I would be very surprised if he hadn't had sex in the last month when he's been partying so hard.

I would be incredibly surprised if he was going to make a good partner anyway. Do you think if you had a baby with him those trips would stop?

Drugs would mean it’d be over for me. Also you don’t want another DC and divorce and sorting parenting etc with two exes would be very complicated, which is a likely scenario should you do as your boyfriend would prefer.

You've been together for 4 years.... hats his social life like normally? I'm not saying his behaviour on holiday is acceptable and I understand your concern but what he's done when away and before he plans to become a dad etc in the future, I don't think this can or should be used to question his entire morality? If he's like this on occasion at home, then that's another matter

You have been together 4 years but don't live together. You don't just decide to do coke for the first time out of nowhere after all that time together. Chances are he's been doing it all along on the times you have not seen eachother and that raises far more serious questions than it just being a one off with the lads. It means he was never the person you believed he was and has successfully hidden this from you for 4 years. That takes some serious hard core deceit. The real question is what are you going to do about it?

Why can't someone just decide to do it on holiday? Can't understand your logic?

You do not sound compatible

I do not believe that you want the same future

You work & save for house
Versus
He travels & parties

What a childish loser. I couldn’t respect him after this

I don't think he seriously wants to settle down at this moment in time, I think it's something "pleasant" on a future vague wish list. It sounds like he lives for the moment when he's with his friends but acts all sensible and reliable when with you. Obviously someone who behaves as those around him at that time, he doesn't sound very stable to me or mature, the need to impress or fit in seems very strong.
Despite what he says to your face OP I don't think he is going to be long term reliable.