Am I being a mug?

[namechange3458]

Boyfriend (31) and I (32) have been together for close to 4 years. I have a child from a previous relationship and he met my child around 2 years into it. We don't live together but have recently spoken about buying somewhere together. He asked how I feel about marriage and we are both on the same page that marriage is necessary if I have a child with him. I'd be happy just having ds but he wants a child.. Living together currently wouldn't be the right decision for any of us.

Basically things are going well generally, we've taken it very slow and enjoy our time together. We don't argue or bicker at all, do have discussions if anything comes up and they end positively. I'm well aware things are different when you throw in kids and living together, but overall it couldn't have been any better.

However.. after Xmas he told me he wanted to travel with a couple of friends the following month for one month. I questioned if the relationship was what he wanted as I felt like here I am saving for a house (on my own of together!) and he is planning something entirely different. He said it's places he's always wanted to visit and he would hate to miss out so I couldn't exactly say no, I wouldn't say no anyway! He is child free and I don't want him to feel like he should miss out. He knows I'd love to do similar. He's never looked after ds or had any responsibility towards him whatsoever. Ds has a good dad who has him 40% of the week.

Now he's coming to the end of the travelling and it's basically been a month of getting pissed, going to bars and clubs, taking cocaine and smoking weed in various hostels. Not the once in a lifetime trip he made it out to be.. I haven't said anything about it as I don't want to be negative when he is at the other side of the world. To put my month into perspective I work 7 days a week every week and I've been dealing with appts, parents evening, dentist, gp and out of hours gp, school, sick child, 2 different jobs and really stressful times in both, plus usual house chores etc and then at the end of each day I'm reading messages from him about how drunk he got or how high he is and I just feel full of absolute rage! I can't bring myself to respond half of the time and I just feel a bit lost and like a loser putting up with this.

Read your post back and imagine how you would feel reading the same thing again, a year or two down the line, when he's perhaps fighting a coke addiction. That aside. It's bloody expensive. I don't get 'happy ever after vibes' from your post at all OP. Sorry.

Blimey! I agree with every PP that's said get rid.

you said you’re saving for a house but he isn’t? Sounds to me like he thinks it would be a good thing for him financially. I’m not getting anything serious from his behaviour I’m afraid.

He doesn’t sound like a man that will settle down … don’t even consider having a child with him! You described how stressful
thongs have been - multiply that by 2 if you have a child with him!

I meant things and not thongs! Though things can also be quite stressful at times lol
x

This.

Plus. You sound very very busy OP. Two jobs, sharing the child care etc... and saving like mad to put £800-£1000 a month away to secure your future, whilst he's partying.
It just seems very unequal and as if you have completely different goals in life.

What do you do together when he is at home?

He sounds very single-minded.

What’s he like with your DS?

Im probably old fashioned, but I wouldn’t want my DS to be around someone who occasionally does drugs.

He's a drug addicted cretin. Raise your standards and get rid

I'm sorry OP. You sound lovely and sensible and I can totally understand your frustration. He sounds so immature and so tone deaf that he didn't even realise it would bother you. You sound like you live two different lives unfortunately. Good luck with the house savings

The incompatible lifestyle thing aside it sounds like you have come to the realisation that you deep down don't want another child or to revisit that phase of your life and that this relationship generally isn't giving you what you need, I'd listen to that.

Play the worst case scenario game, to marry/ share a mortgage, share a child- the different values and lifestyle thing gets bigger, so does the resentment- you split and have to coparent for another 16 years with someone who probably won't be the good dad your son has and really that is a world of pain.

The holiday has just enabled you to see that things are not right here on a bigger scale so I'd say, put it out there, keep your focus on what you need and want from life (rather than get into battles about his current choices) and do what you need to do.

but I can't face working so much to use my money on it when I want a house

Exactly! You prioritise your life. He’s not that into the house idea.

You'd be mad to buy a house and have a baby with this man. His priorities are having fun and living the semi single life. He's not on the same page as you. Do you have to buy a house together and have a child? Could you continue living separately and stay together? Not all relationships have to get 'serious'.

Well he's an immature dickhead op tbh. I don't think you should move in with him, marry him or anything else tbh.

You aren't living together. So easy not to argue.
This isn't a full relationship.
Try living together and then see if you want a child with him.

What is he like with you when you are actually together ? Is he very, very good at masking this tendency to go and rave it up? Because people don't tend to go from zero to coke binge. It is more likely that this is a regular feature of his life, and he is now so inured to it while being on his trip that he hasn't realised/won't realise you are not on the same page as him. Is that possible?

Then end it.

don’t get me wrong, I really dislike drugs and would be pissed about it, but then I’d never get with a druggie and this won’t be his first foray. Were you thinking it was? Because I would assume you knew as he is so Blase about it.
but if you don’t wish to be with someone who does this. That fine. Just end it. You don’t need validation to do it.

Yep, me too.

I sincerely hope you don't choose this man as your life partner because you are amazing and deserve so much better.

You are focused on house ownership and security for yourself and your child. You are making sacrifices to achieve this and have a clear plan for your future. He is the opposite: living for the moment and putting instant gratification before everything else. He's not going to change his behaviour so please don't fantasise about the good life you might have together.

If you end up together, he'll have hit the jackpot and you'll win the booby prize.

It’s not his fault you work 7 day a week and have a child to care for, you sound jealous about those things. It’s different lifestyle choices / stages. Fine for him to go travelling, drugs is obviously less fine. It sounds like you want different things and have different expectations to me

Sounds like he thinks he can live like a single bloke, with the benefits of having a girlfriend. best of both worlds for him!
All the benefits and none of the responsibility.

You are saving really hard for your future, and he is........ letting you. Whilst prioritising his own fun.

He may well think that he will be benefitting from the fact that you are focused on the future together and doing your best to make that future happen. And he has also thrown in that he expects a baby once you've done working your arse off saving for a house which he no doubt expects to be living in with you.

A bloke who seriously wants to build a future with someone doesn't piss off on month long benders with his mates, while also taking drugs and spending money he could put towards your future all on himself with regular trips away.
You are compromising your time to save as much as you can (bloody well done on that by the way!) to benefit both of you. What is he compromising on?

I think you certainly need to think long and hard before committing any more of your time to this one. He can say anything he wants about loving you, wanting a future, a baby etc. But if his actions don't match up, i'd listen to that, not what comes out of his mouth. Actions are what will tell you what you need to know.

Sounds like you have clarity about what this relationship, what you'd expect from him, whether you want to remain in the Groundhog Day scenario with another child which, it seems to me, you'd be doing the vast majority of care for, financially and in practice because he'd be off doing his own thing, you'd be financing the house for you both because he'd continue with his current lifestyle whilst life got more difficult for you... I hope you'll use your clear view to back off from this relationship rather than get deeper in. You have too much to lose to tie yourself further with him. 🌹

I don't want a relationship with someone who drinks excessively or takes drugs. It would therefore be a dealbreaker for me before we get into the fact that he doesn't appear to be on the same page as you about future plans at all.

The drug taking is a red flag all itself. Re read.your post.. what would you tell someone who wrote what you wrote. You deserve much better I'm sure.

He takes cocaine.

The End. Literally. It certainly would be for me, anyway.

it is absolutely reckless and bloody stupid to be taking drugs especially hard ones like cocaine, in foreign countries. Depending on where you are that shit can get you robbed, arrested or potentially killed, all it takes is a dodgy dealer/corrupt cops and you’re banged up abroad facing death penalty or your account drained cos you’ve been marched to an ATM and forced to hand over everything you’ve got.

Then obviously there’s the sheer bs of how he painted this trip to you vs the reality of it. I couldn’t trust someone who twists the truth like that just cos they know their partner might say no or take exception to the truth. Extremely shady and shows immature bad character. Like a child. And this man child is also trying to emotionally manipulate you to have another child because HE wants one, he hasn’t thought a jot about whether you want to start over with another newborn after you’ve just seen light at the end of the tunnel of the ‘wildnerness years’ doing it all on your own, no less.
also sounds like he might be dangling the carrot of marriage as “only if we have a baby” (which no doubt he will leave all the hard work to you, and possibly even leave you in the shit with two kids, even if it’s because his selfishness grinds you down into having to split up)

these aren’t just minor relationship ‘misdemeanours’ separately, but all together it makes the odds incredibly high that this man could seriously negatively impact you and your son’s lives, in various different possibilities.

Look out for your futures here op, maybe write all the facts down (selfish, twists truth, reckless w his own life etc) and then think what you’d advise your best mate if she came and told you she was thinking of marrying, buying a house with and having a child with her boyfriend who was doing all this.

Absolute classic example of “he’s showing you who he is, listen”
and “ ignore these red flags and regret at leisure”