I've been doing the "pick me dance" for 30 years

[ThePickMeDance]

I've come to the conclusion that I have been doing the "pick me" dance for the past 30 years of my relationship with my DH and I am tired, just so very tired and weary of it. The problem I am trying to work out, is that, is it me, in my head, or is it actually him?

My DH is a good looking, intelligent man, and he has a successful job. From the moment I met him, early 20's, I had other girls trying to get off with him, even in front of me. I lost a couple of friends over it. Here is where the "pick me" dance started.

Since the day dot, I have never felt "really loved, cherished, appreciated, beautiful, slim, intelligent, funny, a great cook, insert other achievement...." because he doesn't say any of these things to me, unless pushed, and it then sounds insincere. I am all these things and more though, because other people compliment me, on me. I don't think my DH loves anyone as much as he loves himself. He loves our DC, but I think he most likes the bits he gave them. He also compares me to other women. I was a SAHM for a few years whilst he travelled and jet propelled up the corporate ladder, and apparently other women in his office juggle 3 DC, whilst making deals, make dinner from scratch, and get to go down the gym and look fantastic. Why can't I?

During our long term marriage, we have had a few wobbles. Mostly him pondering whether he wants to be married to me or not. He once told me "Do you think if we didn't have kids, we'd be together?" Again, I did the "pick me" dance. I think I even said to him "you know you could do worse than me you know. Other people think I am attractive, intelligent and funny". I feel like I am selling myself in an interview. Please give me the job!

Sometimes I actually do think that my DH would be better off with someone else. Perhaps he would be happier with a 36 year old MA Grad with a 100K job, who looks like Sharon Stone back in the day. I also think that maybe I would be happier too, with someone more simple. Someone who comes in from their construction job and asks me if I want a cup of tea, and someone who tells me "bloody hell, you look gorgeous in that dress", even though I don't.

What tipped me over the edge this week was an incident I witnessed. I don't want to out myself so I am generalising a bit. DH and I are clients of someone, a woman, and we met her recently. She started to say something to my DH about thanks for the info (not business related, but WRT an interest of his). She was laughing and joking with my DH and he was doing it back. I thought she was being really flirty, and him too. At one point she leaned into him, and just kind of tapped him with her elbow. I was f*cking standing there. I felt like I was intruding. Anyway we left and I was sitting in the car and it dawned on me that they have been either messaging or emailing about this interest. On it's own it is nothing, but with the flirting and mild elbow dig it felt like the buds of something. If I mentioned it, he would think I am nuts. And TBH, clearly I am going nuts. Also, what upset me was that he doesn't act like that with me. I felt like that poor woman off MAFS Australia, when she came into the room with Collins and everyone is smooching and she thinks "why not me".

Today I am upset. As started, I feel like I am constantly doing the "pick me" dance. Who cares about my happiness? Answers on a postcard please. I'm tired. I am honestly sitting here thinking, what if my DH starts an affair, and TBH the answer is, "if he does, maybe he will be doing me a favour and I no longer have to do this dance".

I know that some of you are going to lambast me for staying and taking this, but I am not sure if he is the problem, or the situation, or I just have no self esteem and this is the problem. Also, I don't want to upset my DC, obviously.

Oh OP, that sounds so difficult.
Are you unsure of his love for you?
Have you had any therapy down through the years to explore this?

Relationships should be a net positive for both parties.

This should still be the case with children in the picture.

My PIL have a similarly unbalanced relationship (though the other way round to you).

My DW and BIL are both in therapy to help them deal with the considerable impact of growing up in this sort of environment.

Both have a very distorted view of what relationships are like.

You’re responsible for your own choices, and for valuing your husband as highly as he values himself, for entering into competition with other women for three decades, OP. However, it sounds as if you’re no longer happy in this relationship and would like to end it?

DH and I have also been together since our teens (now early 50s) and when he displayed signs of interest in someone else when we were students, I said ‘Off you trot’. (He didn’t.) No one can make you beg to be picked.

I think you should have this conversation with him, carefully worded, timed at a time when he can take all on board and calmly. With the flirty stuff, nobody wants to feel like they are coming across insecure but he’s your husband at the end of the day so he needs to tell you what’s going on. Most people would be uncomfortable seeing an interaction like that, so he’s owes it to you to explain what’s happening even if it’s entirely innocent. As you’ve said your sanity is at stake, and you deserve peace of mind ❤️xx

OP, you sound exactly like how I felt in my marriage. I never felt good enough for my ex. I always felt like he tolerated me a lot of the time at best. No grand displays of affection. No telling me I looked beautiful or fantastic etc. I just never understood why he never loved me.

Our marriage is now over. It has done a right number on me now. I have more confidence in myself than I ever did with him. But I also doubt myself so much. I'm online dating just now and am actually amazed by men telling me I am beautiful. Because my ex never did. I recognise in myself that I am in danger of falling into another bad relationship because I find love bombing very attractive to be honest. My self esteem is still a work in progress and I'm still ridiculously nervous about a meeting a hot guy I'm chatting to in case he doesn't fancy me!

You need to leave him OP. Knowing what I know now, I wish I left my ex ten years ago. But I am happier now and building myself back up piece by piece.

I don't think any relationship is perfect but when I think about what makes my marriage work, it's honesty and communication, there's nothing I'd feel uncomfortable saying to dh and I'd have said something if I felt any of the things you've said, he also wouldn't want me to feel that way so would go out of his way to make sure I didn't.
If you can't talk to him about anything and everything and know he's got your back then is he the man you should be spending your life with?
I personally don't think I could handle being with someone so attractive that I was constantly in competition, I prefer my kind hearted dh but it sounds like you don't particularly trust him and that would break any connection I had with anyone.

Like @Pepsimaxedout I recognise this feeling, and my marriage is also over. It's a horrible feeling, and unfortunately I don't think it will change.

Re your last point OP, it may well be that you have low self esteem AND he is the problem - i.e. you picked someone who is avoidant/unaffectionate because of your low self esteem. Do you have the money/time for individual therapy?

I don't think anyone is going to come on and lambaste you OP.

I do think though, that after long marriages or relationships we fall into habits. And a lot of the times these aren't great but we carry on regardless as it's always been that way. The thing that I am referring to is never complimenting you on anything and taking you for granted. It's something he's not done, you've seemingly accepted that is how it is, and now he has no thought to change this. I am with you though, you should not have to ask him if you look nice etc.

What was the scenario around him saying he was not wanting to be married to you previously?

Have you had a proper sit down talk?. I think he needs to know how you are feeling about things right now. How he reacts or responds to that could be quite telling though.

My ex had quite an important job. While he was still a decent husband he was quite normal when he was at home. Anytime we went out and had to socialise with his work colleagues or on the sport scene, he was a totally different person. It's only as time went on did I really notice just how bad it was. I was in a long marriage too, and those habits were very much an issue for us too.

So what exactly does he offer you apart from a whole lot of self doubt?

Some people are like this, always wanting to maintain the upper hand to keep their partner having to beg for crumbs. It feeds their massive ego which is like an empty pit that will never be filled. That or they are hugely insecure and need external validation.

I bet if you checked out people who are experts in narcissists on Instagram (two I watch are Elizabeth shaw and Shadow DeAngelis) you would find a lot of personality traits of your Dh’s. And it will help you come to an understanding of why he acts the way he does. Narcissists would rather get external validation from complete strangers/acquaintances than their own families and the people they are supposed to treasure. It’s all about them.

You don't have to do this anymore you know...you really don't. You can leave, and let him get all the flirtation he wants elsewhere. How old are your kids? Maybe start planning your future without him.

Is charm, flirting and wit one of the things that attracted you, to your husband initially? I always remember a saying that 'it's flattering to be flirted with by the charmer, but they make the worst type of husband'. I know, I'm married one too. It's so liberating to be free.

I think youre husband wants you to feel insecure so you wont go anywhere..and it brings your self esteem down so again, you havent the confidence to go anywhere...they chip away at you slowly.
Hes playing mind games.
I think you need counseling but let's not blame OP here. Hes getting away Scot free. Hes devaluing you.
You need to find your confidence OP...then whatever he says or does wont really matter. You need to grey rock him. No reaction...he wont be expecting that... his behavior might get worse to get reaction...dont bite. leave him to flirt... whether youre there or not he will do it.
Find your own group..go to meetup and join groups. Go to the gym etc. do not tell him what you are doing.

Id be getting my ducks in line for leaving OP. I've never met a man yet that will change when their behaviour is like this. Good luck OP...find your confidence.

She doesn't need a therapist to tell her that this man doesn't love her.

No, but therapy can help her work out how to leave! When your self esteem is low it can be really hard to work out what's going on and how to change things.

Honestly, I think this man is happy being married to you because it means he can do whatever he wants with the rest of his life. It would not surprise me at all to find he is being unfaithful right left and centre

The fact is that he is not the centre of your world, you and your children are.

I think a lot of us have done that pick me dance and have lived to regret it. You've been doing this for years and no wonder you are desperately tired of it.

I think if you left him then you would start to feel so much more like your old self. You sound absolutely great and to be honest he sounds like a narcissistic prick.

Narcissists would rather get external validation from complete strangers/acquaintances than their own families and the people they are supposed to treasure. It’s all about them

My DH's mum is a narcissist. She is awful. I have had loads of issues with her. She is openly nasty and very dangerous. My DH has some of her traits IMO, but he is quietly spoken and calm, whereas she is like a volcano.

With my DH, it is "all about them".

I just want to clarify something. I have come across as if my DH is drop dead gorgeous and way out of my league. He's not. I get loads of compliments off people about me, my looks and my kindness. I just don't get them off him. My BF who is really honest with me tells me that he thinks he's too good for me, but the truth is, it is the other way round.

Unbalanced relationships are the worst, they bring out the worst in both sides.
Honestly I would turn the tables on him, hes so smug now he probably thinks he can get away with anything and I would bet my last dime the lack of compliments is a calculated move.
I would sit him down and calmly tell him you are not happy and re thinking your relationship.. my bet is that he will himself but at least you will have gained some control and power back

Exactly this. I work in womens aid and this is quite common tactic with emotionally abusive men

Whatever the reasons he is like this, playing catch up for 30 years is just so sad. Could be wrong, but given the timescales I'm imagining your kids are adults or near and have/will have their own relationships. Not "upsetting them" shouldn't be your prime consideration.

You deserve to be someone's Ms Perfect (for them) but even if that didn't happen, it would be far, far better not to be exhaustedly second guessing yourself/feeling inferior for another 30 years.

Kindly, you sound absolutely obsessive about looks.

Can you broaden your horizons a bit and build your self esteem in other ways?

Tbh, a lot of his kind play up the flirting and warmth with other people infront of you in order to make you feel small and insecure.

I don't get what you see in him. He could be the smartest, richest most handsome person in the world but, if he's not a nice person then all of that isn't worth a bean.

The bare minimum a partner should be is a nice human being.

You don't need his permission to leave you know.

Perhaps you feel like leaving means admitting you weren't enough. But the truth is, no one would ever be enough for someone like him - who bolsters his existence on making people feel not enough. That's how he gets his sustenance.

It wouldn't matter if you were a young Sharon Stone making millions. He'd still treat any partner like they were unworthy. Because bullies beat people down in order to remain on their pedestals.

You are enough. He...never will be. Because he's nothing but a vampire that leaches the light from others in order to make himself bright. That's why he likes to make you feel small. The truth is, he's all smoke and mirrors.

Same. My ex thought he was hot...i might have found him attractive at one point..it wasn't looks but he would tell women what they wanted to hear ..and he was charming... he wasn't hot. People told me how on earth did he get you... he's out of your league... that didn't matter oc..but my ex never complimented me or said nice things about me...others did. Thats the devaluing. He was the insecure one ...i bet my bottom dollar your husband is incredibly insecure..but .. not your problem.

Perhaps you feel like leaving means admitting you weren't enough

Yes, I do feel this way.

You husband doesn't sound like a very nice man. You're already thinking in terms of ending the marriage. Why don't you? I would, in your shoes. He doesn't bring anything positive to the table, does he?

Having been through something very similar this really does knock your confidence. I was constantly told he was my trophy and I was punching and he always went out of his way to name drop female friends and colleagues, flirt with them (and eventually went off with one of them).

counselling really helped me see that most of this was on him and his fragile ego, all the subtle put downs said more about his own insecurities and need to feel in control and better about himself by belittling me.

we were together over 20 years too and it’s only now I’m in a truly loving and equal relationship I can look back and see how one sided it all was. It’s never too late to stop do a pick me dance, explore with a therapist if this is what you really want and boost your own self esteem.