I've come to the conclusion that I have been doing the "pick me" dance for the past 30 years of my relationship with my DH and I am tired, just so very tired and weary of it. The problem I am trying to work out, is that, is it me, in my head, or is it actually him?
My DH is a good looking, intelligent man, and he has a successful job. From the moment I met him, early 20's, I had other girls trying to get off with him, even in front of me. I lost a couple of friends over it. Here is where the "pick me" dance started.
Since the day dot, I have never felt "really loved, cherished, appreciated, beautiful, slim, intelligent, funny, a great cook, insert other achievement...." because he doesn't say any of these things to me, unless pushed, and it then sounds insincere. I am all these things and more though, because other people compliment me, on me. I don't think my DH loves anyone as much as he loves himself. He loves our DC, but I think he most likes the bits he gave them. He also compares me to other women. I was a SAHM for a few years whilst he travelled and jet propelled up the corporate ladder, and apparently other women in his office juggle 3 DC, whilst making deals, make dinner from scratch, and get to go down the gym and look fantastic. Why can't I?
During our long term marriage, we have had a few wobbles. Mostly him pondering whether he wants to be married to me or not. He once told me "Do you think if we didn't have kids, we'd be together?" Again, I did the "pick me" dance. I think I even said to him "you know you could do worse than me you know. Other people think I am attractive, intelligent and funny". I feel like I am selling myself in an interview. Please give me the job!
Sometimes I actually do think that my DH would be better off with someone else. Perhaps he would be happier with a 36 year old MA Grad with a 100K job, who looks like Sharon Stone back in the day. I also think that maybe I would be happier too, with someone more simple. Someone who comes in from their construction job and asks me if I want a cup of tea, and someone who tells me "bloody hell, you look gorgeous in that dress", even though I don't.
What tipped me over the edge this week was an incident I witnessed. I don't want to out myself so I am generalising a bit. DH and I are clients of someone, a woman, and we met her recently. She started to say something to my DH about thanks for the info (not business related, but WRT an interest of his). She was laughing and joking with my DH and he was doing it back. I thought she was being really flirty, and him too. At one point she leaned into him, and just kind of tapped him with her elbow. I was f*cking standing there. I felt like I was intruding. Anyway we left and I was sitting in the car and it dawned on me that they have been either messaging or emailing about this interest. On it's own it is nothing, but with the flirting and mild elbow dig it felt like the buds of something. If I mentioned it, he would think I am nuts. And TBH, clearly I am going nuts. Also, what upset me was that he doesn't act like that with me. I felt like that poor woman off MAFS Australia, when she came into the room with Collins and everyone is smooching and she thinks "why not me".
Today I am upset. As started, I feel like I am constantly doing the "pick me" dance. Who cares about my happiness? Answers on a postcard please. I'm tired. I am honestly sitting here thinking, what if my DH starts an affair, and TBH the answer is, "if he does, maybe he will be doing me a favour and I no longer have to do this dance".
I know that some of you are going to lambast me for staying and taking this, but I am not sure if he is the problem, or the situation, or I just have no self esteem and this is the problem. Also, I don't want to upset my DC, obviously.