Partner keeps leaving me

[CoralSwan]

Hi…
I have been with my partner for 2 years. I have counted that in those 2 years, he has packed his things and left me 30 times. I can’t even tell you what most of these things were about. What I can tell you is, I don’t lie to him, I’ve never cheated on him or betrayed him. I like to think I’m a nice girlfriend. I like to cook, I’m introverted, don’t go out a lot, love planning to do things with him, I don’t have many guy friends and the ones I do have are gay…I sit and think to myself sometimes, what is wrong with me?! I’m not perfect just like any other person, but I do my best as a partner and haven’t committed any atrocities against him. Why does he keep doing this?!

Sounds like he has serious mental health issues - at the very least fearful avoidant attachment disorder. This is a pattern for him and it won't change unless you put a stop to it.

Hi OP.
How many more times do you think you can tolerate? Could you maybe decide that once he hits 40 times, you will change the locks and call it a day?

Does he tell you he’s off or just storm out?
Where does he go, do you ask him? Is there a set pattern (like every 3 weeks). Could there be someone else somewhere he sees every few weeks? Maybe he has a few of you on a rota. Nothing surprises me with men TBH (before anyone starts I know not all men but there was a recent thread where a man had at least three on the go).

I like the PP idea of having some presents set aside for yourself for the next time he does it. You get a nice reward each time he flounces off. Maybe pack 5 treat boxes for the next 5 times and once they run out change the locks, block and delete. Start your new life.

💐

Nailed it

You deserve better

Stop being a doormat

I had an ex that did this. It was almost like he enjoyed the drama of turning up again at my house when he'd decided to come back, I figured in the end he enjoyed it all, he thrived off drama. He was also abusive, emotionally and verbally. And controlling. Also turns out he was seeing someone else. Just end it, the pattern will just repeat itself over and over until you stop it. They just don't change. And it's incredibly damaging to your self-esteem; it took me a very long time to get over.

Yes, they absolutely enjoy it. They don't want to stop.

What I realised was that he was just as addicted to the cycle as I was. He needed to upset me to satisfy his ego.

When I finally blocked him on everything, he went nuts trying to get back in contact with me. Or should I say, back in control of me. He was fully addicted to the love bombing/punishment cycle. His life was empty and meaningless without his toy.

Shame for him because I've never said one word to him since 🤣

My ex left me regularly - maybe five or six times - once every two years. God it wore me down and I crawled out of that relationship.
leave him please.

Once he left me and came back on the same day and then got cross when I wasn't ebullient at his gracious gesture of coming back!

@CoralSwan omg I know a guy like this near where I live, he goes back to his mams every couple of weeks, stays a few nights to a week then off to his partners then back at his mams,off again, months and months like that, he even tried to get with me while staying at his mams was wanting my attention, as we had a on/off history, I found him very avoidant, I don’t bother with him anymore as know I’m a side piece to him for fun, then he’s away again, back at his mams, his mother must be sick of him back and forth, it’s like doesn’t know what he wants, very immature, always on dating apps, but still back n forth with someone what a carry on, it’s pathetic, very unstable behaviour I even found out this guy could be in the down low, crazy, I feel so sorry for you, dump him he’s never gonna change he sounds like a narcissist

@CoralSwan hes worn down your self esteem and confidence in yourself you are probably a shell of your former self, please get rid of him before your start feeling suicidal, he doesn’t love you, he’s abusing you and he knows exactly what he is doing, from the day he first met you, you were his victim not his loving partner, you deserve so much more, this isn’t a relationship it’s hell and you know it, your holding on to the good bits prob the love bombing in the beginning, I bet he said he loved you very early in the relationship and told you that you were the love of his life, these men do this to all the women they try and and trap, some of these men pick women they deem vulnerable, quiet introverted, not very out going that lack confidence and self esteem, they just make sure you stay that way, your probably a loving, warm, caring empathetic person they love targeted women like this, he prob filled your head with a sob story about his life or bad childhood to gain your sympathy, he’s brain washed you, your his grade A fuel supply and he prob does have others waiting in the wings when he leaves has his fun and prob tells them the same things as you known as bread-crumbing, he’s a NARCISSIST get rid, he’s trauma bonded you badly and he knows it cos you always take him back, he’s counting on it, get help counselling go to your docs, tell them your situation, hes addicted to the cycle of abuse he gets a high off it, it’s all about controlling you I’m going to say it again he doesn’t love you he loves controlling you, you are his doormat, you probably already know that he’s abusive, that this situation is toxic, but you addicted also to the drama the trauma bond is strong, it’s painful each time he leaves then comes back it’s a high again, he’s doing this to keep you stuck on him, you need to break the cycle for good, breaking the trauma bond is painful very painful but if you need to get out you will have to go through this, I’ve been through this and came out the over end, it’s tough but you only have one life and you will become less than nothing staying in this horrible situation, I know post was wrote a while ago I hope you got out but if your still in this, you can get out

@Unhappyunicorn

did you notice the date of the last reply ? or the date the Op started the thread

@OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon Yes I’m aware it’s from last year, I’m hoping she’s in a better predicament now, and what is wrong with replying to it, I’m just highlighting that the situation she is or hopefully was in is Toxic.

Deleted because zombie.

I was in a relationship with a man who did this, each and every year of our marriage. I tried to tell him how it felt, what it did to our relationship but it never stopped. I stopped it by giving him the divorce he threatened me with each time we rowed; often about small issues. He went from a disagreement to DIVORCE in 60 seconds! Eventually, I couldn’t confide in him at all. I think he enjoyed seeing me desperately trying to save the marriage, on the floor, in tears after days on end of being ignored. WHO DOES THAT IN A LIVING MARRIAGE?
Ridiculous to say, I miss the man I married. He was everything I could have asked for and he gave me so much more than I’d had in other relationships. But. He kept threatening to take it all away and I reached a stage where I felt reduced and silenced and “lessened”. I had no value to him at all.

@CoralSwan It’s vitally important that you understand what’s happening here. I had 17yrs of trying to convince him and my adult stepkids that I WAS a decent person. They never saw it. Please, don’t continue with this man unless there can be therapy and change. And do be aware, some people never change… they just drag the same old behaviours along relationship after relationship.

Nothing wrong with replying to it because I was still there. I was still reading these comments and they were always in the back of my mind. I did very recently decide to leave. It wasn’t a huge fight this time and I actually just thought to myself- is this really what I want to do with my youth? Is this really what I want for myself? Do I really want to be with a man who cannot see past his own point of view out of pride and ego? I think I was staying because of the sunk cost fallacy, I had put so much effort into this relationship so it was difficult to break away.

When I met this man, I had no savings, no aspirations and didn’t really know what was going on with my life. He constantly criticised my life and wanted me to change. Well guess what? I have now saved a ton of money, I have aspirations, made new friends, found other fulfilling things to do with my time and I desperately want to go back to university which is something I never thought I could achieve despite being quite clever (ironic considering the issue discussed here but that’s more of a self esteem issue).

He is in the exact same place as when I met him. Nothing has changed. He put me down and made me feel bad (there’s a a lot of contexts I haven’t provided here about him but I think the replies would have been even harsher) and looking back this was actually damn cheeky of him. He really wasn’t qualified to be saying the things he did. Jokes on him because I’ve done what he said but he’s not done anything himself. No personal growth, no career growth, nada.

I really appreciate everything posted here. Some might view it as harsh but you’re all correct. Hopefully I really do stay away this time and give myself the life I deserve…

Do your self esteem a favour.

Leave him. For good!

^This

You need to stop loving him and start loving yourself.

Sorry OP, but the fault lies with you for putting up with his ridiculous behaviour. Split up and never see him again. Yes, it really is that simple!

Well done OP what a great update. Onward and upward!

He is a dick and you let him do this. Take your power back. Kick him out and live happily ever after. You deserve better.

I hope you do stay away this time. You'll be much happier.

I'm glad to hear things are going well in your life otherwise. Well done!

You have to rebuild your self esteem. Please choose you, not him. He is toxic and will never make you happy. What you need it is counselling and total focus on your own needs. It’s better to be alone than with an idiot who keeps leaving and returning.