Partner keeps leaving me

[CoralSwan]

Hi…
I have been with my partner for 2 years. I have counted that in those 2 years, he has packed his things and left me 30 times. I can’t even tell you what most of these things were about. What I can tell you is, I don’t lie to him, I’ve never cheated on him or betrayed him. I like to think I’m a nice girlfriend. I like to cook, I’m introverted, don’t go out a lot, love planning to do things with him, I don’t have many guy friends and the ones I do have are gay…I sit and think to myself sometimes, what is wrong with me?! I’m not perfect just like any other person, but I do my best as a partner and haven’t committed any atrocities against him. Why does he keep doing this?!

He does it because you let him. People treat you how you let them.

Where does he go? He sounds pathetic. Does he see other women when he leaves or does he just go off and sulk. I struggle to see how anyone could find this attractive. I don’t know how old you both are but how would this work long term? Will he do this when he has children? It isn’t how functioning adults behave.

Don’t waste any more time on him. II

It’s human nature if you can do something with no consequences to you why wouldn’t you

Who owns the property you live in. If you didn't live together it wouldn't be so dramatic when he leaves.

I doubt there is anything wrong with you, it’s him. But he’s letting you know this is how your relationship will go, it’s your decision if you want to live like this. He’s clearly unhappy in the relationship to leave 30 times. Does he not communicate? My ex used to stop speaking to me for weeks sometimes, because we couldn’t communicate, so that was his way. I hated it and ended it

Don't let him do this again.
He is not a keeper.
You need to be the next person to instigate the leaving.
Leave him before he is your husband and before you share any children who do not need to be abandoned at whim.

He will not change; there is something seriously juvenille about him. You make the plans and skedaddle, quick smart.

Don't give him a 31st time.
He's throwing a tantrum, leaving and then coming back because he knows it works.
You don't need him or his horrible bullying and manipulation in your life.

It’s my place

The thing is I can’t even tell you what most of these things were about. Like I said I haven’t done anything dreadful to him. I’m not a dreadful person.

sounds pathetic but it’s just worn me down so much, recently I said to him do you know what this does to someone? To keep leaving like this? It makes me feel like disposable waste

This is never about the person who is abandoning you. It’s about you abandoning yourself and attachment issues. This will continue while you choose him over yourself.

I like to think I’m a nice girlfriend. I like to cook, I’m introverted, don’t go out a lot, love planning to do things with him, I don’t have many guy friends and the ones I do have are gay…

Is that you're barometer of what a 'good' girlfriend is like? Introverted? Really?

He sounds like a total fucking wanker, do yourself a favour and get rid.

Why does he keep doing this?!

Because you keep letting him.

Fucking hell, stop being your own worst enemy. Tell this idiot right now to get out and never come back.

Take his key back and/or change the locks.

The goal is to control you. It doesn't really matter what the arguments were about. The point is that you've stood up to him or questioned/criticised him in some way and he absolutely has to shut that down at all costs.

It's possible there's some splitting behaviour in there, where he either sees you as all good when you're compliant and then all bad when you do something he doesn't like.

He might also be addicted to having you chase after him, and the attention and sympathy he gets from it. Along with the bonus of having what the original issue was dropped completely.

The really important thing to remember is that the parts where he acquiesces, 'takes you back' and is loving again to you is part of the cycle of abuse. That's what keeps you addicted to it, because he controls when you're allowed to feel safe and relaxed. You don't want to lose that good feeling so you stay on the rollercoaster.

The second important thing to remember is that this cycle will not stop. The only way it's going to stop is if you say ok, let's break up then, you block him on everything, ignore his love bombing and frantic chasing when he realises you're serious, and commit to yourself as wanting to live in a safe and happy environment, whether that's as a single person or with someone else in the future.

You're not worthless. You deserve so much more than this.

How about this;

Obviously he won’t ever stop doing this, and god knows why, but you keep putting up with it. BUT, seeing as he will do it again soon, prepare a little package for yourself to treat yourself when he does. Nice dinner ingredients at the ready. New PJs and bath stuff folded and put away in readiness. A good film picked out on the telly and loads of snacks. That sort of thing. Like a sort of Christmas Eve box except this is for you when he’s gone off.

Then when he pulls this shit again you can quietly say to yourself “off you fuck, I’ve got a nice night planned, and will be fine.” That way his silliness loses sting and will eventually be something that you look forward to.

What's wrong is that you're not listening to your head and making the very clear decision to stop being the rug he wipes his feet on.

Only you can make that decision. No one else can do it for you.

What will you choose?

In all fairness OP, you should be asking yourself why you've let him come back 30 times. That's the issue here.

MrsDoubtfire24 has it in a nutshell.

This is about you and how you are handling your feelings around his ridiculous behaviour.

(How do you not laugh at his flounce? The way he's going, you need to put out a Hotel Comments Book for him)

From your responses here, it’s fairly clear that you’re resigned to this and will let him do this for a 31st time. And a 32nd. And a 33rd.

Is there anything that any of us can say to convince you to not do that? To say ‘good riddance’, tell him to go to hell, block him and change the locks?

He has done that to you. He is a vile, abusive shithead and he is abusing you because some people just are abusive bullies. STOP BLAMING YOURSELF. You are his victim.

You can put a stop to it. You can stop his abuse of you. You can end this torture, and do it soon, before he destroys your mental health any further.

Tell him the relationship is over, and he needs to come and collect his stuff. Give him a date and time to collect it, and put it outside in boxes and bags for him to collect. If you get any shit from him, call the police immediately.

Demanding that she leaves on your schedule isn't the way.

She's already being controlled by one person. Being ordered around by someone else isn't going to help.

I've been in a very similar cycle myself. I had to leave for myself, not for people on the internet.

OP needs a confidence boost and a handhold, not judgement or being made out to be useless.

recently I said to him do you know what this does to someone? To keep leaving like this? It makes me feel like disposable waste

Of course he knows. That's why he's doing it. And you've told him it works, so guess what?

@CoralSwan

Why do you value yourself so little that you will let this manipulative twit treat you like a doormat? Take a good look at why you allow this and please:

• get yourself some 1:1 counselling to help you work through why you let him treat you so appallingly. Do you let other people treat you the same?

• please please ensure you don't get pregnant by him or he'll be in your life forever.

Why not take charge and tell he has to leave your home (only give him a very few days notice if, indeed, you give him any. After all he's had somewhere to go each time before hasn't he? Then

Immediately change your locks - don't rely on getting keys back from him - you just don't know 100% if he has duplicates. You wouldn't want him letting himself back in, would you?

Also change ALL your passwords (banking, streaming accounts, computer, shopping sites) so he can't lock you out if your own accounts. Then go on your council website and apply for your 25% single occupancy discount.

This is your life OP - take charge of it. 🌹

Look at it another way OP. He is not your partner, he is your abuser. He doesn't keep leaving you, he is punishing you.

He keeps COMING BACK to abuse you again and again.

Please ask yourself why you are calling him your partner. Why do you want him? Just why?