Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner keeps leaving me

121 replies

CoralSwan · 11/03/2024 23:58

Hi…
I have been with my partner for 2 years. I have counted that in those 2 years, he has packed his things and left me 30 times. I can’t even tell you what most of these things were about. What I can tell you is, I don’t lie to him, I’ve never cheated on him or betrayed him. I like to think I’m a nice girlfriend. I like to cook, I’m introverted, don’t go out a lot, love planning to do things with him, I don’t have many guy friends and the ones I do have are gay…I sit and think to myself sometimes, what is wrong with me?! I’m not perfect just like any other person, but I do my best as a partner and haven’t committed any atrocities against him. Why does he keep doing this?!

OP posts:
JonVoightBaddyWhoGrowls · 12/03/2024 14:14

Obviously, the answer is that you should stop letting him back. He's a dick.

But let's turn it around for a second... if you are so awful he has to leave all the time, why is he with you!?

DrJoanAllenby · 12/03/2024 14:39

I honestly thought you were going to say half a dozen times!

Thirty times?!

That's ridiculous.

That's no way to live your life.

Get rid of him.

Bananalanacake · 12/03/2024 15:14

It's great that it's your place, does he pay towards rent, bills, food.

What is stopping you from chucking all his stuff on the front step in binbags for him to collect, if the twat dares to ask why have you done this, tell him, you walked out so I thought you were leaving for good.

pickledandpuzzled · 12/03/2024 15:18

What’s wrong with me is the wrong question.

Read ‘Why does he do that?’ Lindy Bancroft.

It’s him, not you.

Begsthequestion · 12/03/2024 15:22

Because you keep forgetting to change the locks.

Next time, choose yourself and your own wellbeing, and let him leave. Don't beg, don't fret. You're giving him all the power when you do that. Let him go. He'll end up begging to come back. Don't let him back in.

You've said he's making you feel like trash. Well you're not trash. He is. You can do better.

Jeevesnotwooster · 12/03/2024 15:24

Just tell him if he does it again you'll not have him back and will be changing the locks. And if he does it again follow through.

Toooldforthis36 · 12/03/2024 15:27

Take control of this - tell him to leave. Not wait till he threatens you with abandonment. Tell the nasty fucker to pack his bags, then change the locks. Get rid of this deadbeat waste of energy. He is no partner and you deserve better. Being single is better than putting up with this crap. Be good to yourself.

Chitterlina · 12/03/2024 15:39

I’m hearing the beautiful south….

You had a little time, and you had a little fun
Didnt you?

TheMixedGirl · 12/03/2024 15:40

Leave him. My ex did this. Its so hurtful and nasty. Toxic. Dump him

mummymeister · 12/03/2024 15:53

Why does he keep doing this? Because you let him. because you are allowing his bad behaviour and actively facilitating it by keep on taking him back. its a game he is playing, he is in charge and he bloody loves it. And he comes back because he enjoys it.

Only you can break this cycle because he is having a hell of a time and never will. so next time he leaves, pack up his stuff and message him to come and collect. change the locks and get rid of him.

this is NEVER going to stop until you stop it because he loves this. why he does it is completely irrelevant.

Takenoprisoner · 12/03/2024 16:08

Please get some counselling to work out what's going on here. You need to unravel the abusive web he's spun around you in order to escape and be free.

FOJN · 12/03/2024 16:24

CoralSwan · 12/03/2024 13:18

The thing is I can’t even tell you what most of these things were about. Like I said I haven’t done anything dreadful to him. I’m not a dreadful person.

sounds pathetic but it’s just worn me down so much, recently I said to him do you know what this does to someone? To keep leaving like this? It makes me feel like disposable waste

It doesn't matter what the minor disputes are that trigger him leaving AGAIN. I'd bet my house he manufactures most of them.

Do you think he cares that it makes you feel like disposable waste? I suspect he lacks the empathy to really understand how it might feel but he does know it makes you feel bad which is his intention. Think about that, you are trying to sustain a relationship with a man who takes satisfaction from making you feel bad about yourself.

You will never feel better until you withdraw your cooperation. Standing up for yourself with someone like that makes no difference. Again I'd bet my house that trying to communicate with him is maddening, like trying to nail jelly to a wall. Just stop.

Every time you let him back you feed the saboteur in your head that tells you you are unworthy of love and respect, stop doing that to yourself.

Kick him out, change the locks and do some serious repair work on yourself esteem before you consider another relationship.

perfectcolourfound · 12/03/2024 16:35

This isn't a partnership. To have left you 30 times in 2 years .... your relationship hasn't settled for long enough to call it BF/GF, let alone a partership.

There is nothing wrong with you, other than your self esteem is low and you're allowing an abusive man to abuse you. And the more he does it, the lower you feel, and the more likely he is to do it again.

He knows what he's doing. But let's face it... whether or not he's abusing you intentionally, this relationship isn't working. It isn't making you happy. It's making you unhappy and damaging your self esteem. Why would you want to be in a relationship like that? You would be 1000 times happier single.

The whole point of a relationship is to make (both your) life better. You each support the other, share the emotional and physical burden, delight in each other, have each others' back when things are hard, show your love and care and respect for each other in all you do.

This is not a good relationship. It isn't a partnership. It is bad for you. And he won't get better. He will likely get worse. And the more ground down you are, the less likely you are to see the wood for the trees, and to have the strength to get rid of him.

So do it now. Now is the best time. Now - you are seeing him for who he is. He's a defective man who isn't capable of a grown up, respectful, loving relationship. The sooner you get rid, the sooner you can get your life and your happiness back. The sooner your home will be calm and happy. The sooner you can stiop wasting your life and your wellbeing on him. The sooner you can start rebuilding yourself, back to the real you.

And then take some time, take time to rebuild and to get your self esteem back where it deserves to be. Take time to understand why you put up with his nonsense the first time he left, and every time after. Take time to develop your self worth, and to decide that you will only date in the future, and will only commit to someone, if they treat you right and make you happy.

SpringleDingle · 12/03/2024 16:49

Because he is a dick. Just tell him to leave, mean it. Change the locks, block his number and enjoy a peaceful life. There are far better guys out there. This is a classic example of "it's not you, it's him!!"

kinkyredboots · 12/03/2024 16:54

He is a dick and you are like a dog he likes to kick. It shows he has zero respect for you & the fact you keep taking him back shows you have zero respect for yourself. It’s a power kick for him.

Get the locks changed & throw him out like the garage he is. you are better than this.

Epidote · 12/03/2024 16:55

Don't take him back. Just leave him. He is an arse.

PaminaMozart · 12/03/2024 17:03

You've had a .ot of good advice, @CoralSwan , but ultimately it boils down to why you'd want to stay with someone who makes (you) feel like disposable waste.

He is abusing you and yet you keep on hoping that he'll wake up one day and recognise what a great girlfriend you are. You know this isn't going to happen, so you need to work on yourself so you'll get to a point where you prioritise yourself.

You've already done the Freedom Programme? Do it again!
Read Women Who Love Too Much and The Six Pillars of Self Esteem

CrotchetyQuaver · 12/03/2024 17:05

What a flouncing Drama Queen he is! Don't let him back the next time he does it please 🙏🏼

Loveandserenity · 12/03/2024 17:08

@CoralSwan, having split from someone who done this to me (among other things) not so long ago, I can categorically tell you that this is a control tactic. He leaves you every time you step out of line. Then you live in fear that he'll do it again and so you change your behaviour to try and stop it happening. When it inevitably does happen again, you try even harder. Until you are a shadow of yourself.

Out of interest where does he go when he leaves?

Bigearringsbigsmile · 12/03/2024 17:09

The real question is why you keep letting him come back!

Andthereyougo · 12/03/2024 17:10

CoralSwan · 12/03/2024 12:59

It’s my place

That’s great news. Pack his bags, put them outside the door for him. Get the locks changed. All your problems will be gone and you can make the life you want.

Gettingonmygoat · 12/03/2024 17:37

Either put up with this child or put an end to the relationship. He only does this because you allow it.

Lighteningstrikes · 12/03/2024 18:04

He’s abusing you and he’s doing it because he can.

He’s conditioning you to a life of instability and insecurity.

Have some faith in yourself and end it.

JNicko · 12/03/2024 19:28

Simple - get rid. I'm sorry but you really need to

Justanything86 · 12/03/2024 20:08

Op do you really want to live the rest of your life like this? You've told him how it makes you feel and he keeps doing it anyway and he knows he can get away with it so there is 0% incentive for him to ever stop. The only thing that will ever end this cycle is you calling it a day. I'm sure a lot of us are speaking from experience on this.