Is there a benefit to getting married before the baby comes?

[TigerJoy]

Partner and I are in our 40s,been together 10 years. Been trying for a baby for ages. We decide to get married and boom,next IVF round works. Baby is due August, first for both of us.

I'm not really bothered when we get married - we're very much a bonded pair and while I think it's lovely we will be getting married I'm not in a hurry. I'd quite like to wait til the baby is 1 or older, so I'll have headspace to plan a nice party and lose a bit of weight to wear a nice dress. I'm also feeling pretty rubbish with the pregnancy and can't imagine I'd enjoy a formal event while pregnant much! However I wouldn't mind just doing something small with family if we did something soon.

I've heard people on here talk about why it's important to be married when you have kids - is there a benefit to getting married before the baby gets here? Bearing in mind we are definitely going to get married.

Fwiw we both have similar amount of savings, live in a house we own together. We'll update our wills before the baby gets here too.

This is a rather morbid example, but it almost happened to a friend of mine. If something happened to you during the birth, your DP wouldn't have automatic parental responsibility. In my friend's case, the baby was ill as well as the mum and he was worried he wouldn't be treated as the baby's next of kin and able to make decisions about care if the mum had become unconscious.

I'm pleased to say mum and baby are now fine, and congratulations on your pregnancy.

How about having a quick register office wedding in the near future, and saving up for a reception later on? Then you get the legal protection in place but still get to have the party when you're feeling more up for it.

Congratulations on the pregnancy!

We got married when our eldest was a few months shy of 3. All planned. It worked for us!

The only thing that was shitty was having a different surname to ds for those first few years. I absolutely hated having to sign in at toddler group and explain who I was in relation to ds while everyone else just got to sign their name and head straight in no questions asked. So be prepared for that potentially.

Other than that though it was right for us. Ds was such a cute page boy.

Go to a registry office. So many people say they'll marry after the birth and don't. You'll need to redo your wills after you marry even if you do them after baby so get married, do wills, have baby. You both need the legal protections.

But don’t assume everyone’s changes their name when they marry? I don’t know anyone who has, and plenty have different names to baby. I do, and never caused a single issue.

Personally I'd never have had children without being married. Seriously, why would you.

I’d do registry office before baby is born, assuming you will take maternity leave and possibly reduce working hours, marriage gives you entitlements if you split, it protects you if you make more financial sacrifices

I got married a year after giving birth. I suffered with HG in my pregnancies so I wouldn’t have been able to have the wedding we wanted pregnant. DH and I were each others next of kin so any medical decisions would have fallen to him in the event of emergency. We were both quite financially secure independently so didn’t feel like we “needed to” for financial security. We had our perfect wedding when we wanted, it’s not always a total disaster.

Update your wills asap to reflect parental responsibilities and finances if someone is ill or passes.

It doesn't sound like you want an unromantic 30 minutes in a registry office (I wouldn't either!) so concentrate on the baby and do it when you're ready.

I would want to have the same surname as my baby. I’d definitely want to be married first. There’s also the legal benefits others have mentioned. As it stands would you get his pension if he were to die?

Remember its not about names or dresses (baby can have your name anyway, or deed poll)

Its about legal protection in case something goes wrong.
If one of you need to give up work due to the baby being disabled for example.
Or your partner being legally acknowledged as the father immediately after birth if you are ill.
Assets being seen as joint in case of break up.

Its not necessary for all couples... you need to look at the positives and negatives to work out if it is beneficial in your situation.

You sound like you have your head screwed on.

I don't want to piss all Iover your lovely life and I'm sure your partner is lovely and you'll be together for ever. But realistically, there is a chance that in the future you may split up.
It's horrible to think about, but you need to.

So, with that in mind, the only benefit I can think of to get married before the baby is born depends on what you plan to do once the baby is here.

If you are planning to be a SAHM or reduce your salary by going part time, then I really would recommend getting married now.

If, however, you plan on carrying on working and keeping your own financial security, then you have everything else covered, so waiting to get married isnt a huge deal.

Never, ever, ever rely or depend on anyone for financial security. They will let you down.

If worst of the worst happens and you split up, just make sure your finances are the least of your problems.

It offers legal protection in worst case scenarios. If something happens to you or your partner, or if something goes wrong in your relationship. You can't imagine these things happening until they do. Do you have complete financial security if he was no longer in your life, won't be making career or financial sacrifices to have your child?

Congratulations on the pregnancy!

If you would want/ need your fiancé to register the baby birth by himself then he would need to bring your marriage certificate or baby would need to wait for you.

It's a very small thing, but it was something I wanted.

I would do it small and soon. When baby arrives your lives will change forever, there will never be a good time. The day will be totally different with a one year old in tow.

I would at the minimum have a registry office wedding especially if you jointly own property together.

It would make it much simpler if a curveball hit - such as disability, separation or death.

@bakewellbride and @toomanyleggings
A baby doesn’t automatically have to have the father’s surname , or only the father’s surname.
Women do not have to change their name on marriage and many choose not to
Men can also choose to change their name on marriage
And
If either want to change their name to their partner’s name or a shared name, they don’t have to wait for marriage or ever be married: that can just change their names.

Some people just don't want to get married but they want children?

OP I didn't get married before having my children, I didn't want to. However, I have always been financially independent, earned more and knew I would be fine without my ex (thankfully). Always think of the worst case scenario, as much as you think life will be rosy, children do change your relationship and sometimes not for the better.

If you are planning to be a SAHM or take any kind of financial hit, get married asap before the baby gets here. If not, don't rush and think seriously about double barrelling the surname - that's my only regret, I felt bullied into giving them my exes surname.

I would definitely have a small register office ceremony now, and then you can plan a party later on, maybe to coincide with the baby's first birthday.

Definitely do get married now while it's just the two of you. I hope it's not the same for you but in the first couple of years after having kids I could have quite happily divorced my DH a hundred times over and would not have contemplated planning a wedding if we weren't already married. Also you might end up never doing it because life and parenthood gets in the way and the time flies.

But why would you not want the protection afforded by marriage if you make yourself vulnerable by having children.

Okay, there will be some who do not need this, but they are a tiny minority. Just read the many threads of unwed mothers left high and dry when things go wrong.

Have a registry office wedding before the baby is born and hold the reception afterwards.

Reasons to get married before the birth:

• pregnancy and birth is dangerous for women. It is the most dangerous time of our lives. In a medical emergency, your husband would have rights that your fiancé wouldn’t (to you and to the baby). Your husband can make decisions for and take custody of the child in your absence/death but your fiancée would have to go through the legal system to do the same.
• marriage is a legal contract that grants automatic rights. These can almost all be replicated through legal documents such as a will, power of attorney, pension beneficiaries, financial trusts etc. However, a registry office wedding will cost the same as an hour of a solicitor’s time. (You will need more than an hour to get all the paperwork sorted out with the solicitor).
• Should either of you die unmarried and without a will, assuming you are financially average, your estate will go to your child. Not to you or to your husband. You will not be able to easily access that money to pay for things for your child as they grow up, whether is it shoes or the mortgage to provide a roof over your heads. Make it easy - get married.
• surnames. Do you want your child to have the same name as you? A lot of women do and a lot of women change their name after marriage. You can always change the baby’s name after you get married. But it involves paperwork. You won’t have much time for that with a baby on your hands. actually, you won’t have much time for wedding planning with a baby on your hands! I don’t think anyone has ever posted on MumsNet to say that regretted giving their child their name when the baby was born. An awful lot have posted that they regret giving the baby their partner’s or their ex’s name though. Why be one of those women?
• the first year of parenthood is tough. It will test you and it will test your relationship. You are (both) less likely to throw your hands up and walk out on your relationship if you married.

Why not do a simple registry office wedding now, and then do the wedding party later, after the baby is a little older and you have some headspace to plan something nice?

You don’t even have to tell people you’re already legally married if you don’t want to.

I would just do something small now and personally wouldn’t bother with a wedding party later. I would accept that the big wedding isn’t going to happen for me and that marriage is more important. I bet you will end up putting it off and putting it off once the baby gets here.

We were a covid wedding so we had to move it 3 times before we got married but I ended up insisting we did before baby for a few reasons.

1. Dh actually had parental responsibility from day 1, otherwise he wasn't able to speak for me or the baby if something happened

1. My security if he just upped and vanished (or something more morbid!) when I was 39 weeks pregnant for example, I could still put him on the birth certificate

1. Baby automatically gets mums surname, and I wanted us all to have the same