Is there a benefit to getting married before the baby comes?

[TigerJoy]

Partner and I are in our 40s,been together 10 years. Been trying for a baby for ages. We decide to get married and boom,next IVF round works. Baby is due August, first for both of us.

I'm not really bothered when we get married - we're very much a bonded pair and while I think it's lovely we will be getting married I'm not in a hurry. I'd quite like to wait til the baby is 1 or older, so I'll have headspace to plan a nice party and lose a bit of weight to wear a nice dress. I'm also feeling pretty rubbish with the pregnancy and can't imagine I'd enjoy a formal event while pregnant much! However I wouldn't mind just doing something small with family if we did something soon.

I've heard people on here talk about why it's important to be married when you have kids - is there a benefit to getting married before the baby gets here? Bearing in mind we are definitely going to get married.

Fwiw we both have similar amount of savings, live in a house we own together. We'll update our wills before the baby gets here too.

Coming from a different standpoint. You are about to have your lives massively changed. I would see how he weathers becoming a father before trapping yourself in a marriage.

Everyone should make informed choices that are right for them

Agreed. Unpalatable as it is, though, one of the things that need to be faced is what would happen if one partner dies. The admin is generally easier if the partners were married. Not going to be most people's top reason for marrying, but needs to be factored in.

My sons wife and son nearly died in childbirth he had to make fast decisions, sign paperwork before they went down to theatre.

Legal protection is important for many reasons.

Just nip to the registry office for now, plan the wedding in the future.

If that's true then it's easier and cheaper to split if you're not married and you don't lose your assets! Women often have more assets than men you know...

I guess it depends why you want to be married, but in my opinion, no.
Obviously there are the worst case scenarios as detailed in other responses but they're not common outcomes of childbirth.
And certainly consider whether you need to think about the money side of things, though it sounds as if you're in an even footing at the moment.
If you want the big party with your wedding, then wait and do it the way you really want to. Plenty of people do.

To answer some questions, technically I suppose I'll be a SAHM but I'm disabled and unable to work at the moment (and probably wont for a few more years). We've been through some really rough times in the last few years, health prolems, mental health problems, and we've got closer as a result.

DP earns a good wage and I'll never equal it I'd imagine, even when I go back to work (partly as there'll be a huge CV gap and I've lost all those years of climbing the ladder).

However of all the comments on here - and I really appreciate it people taking the time to comment - the two that I think are pretty convincing are the ones about if I die / fall into a coma at the birth a husband would find it easier to take custody of our child,and the IHT! I'm not sure either of us have enough assets to trigger inheritance tax but it would make life easier.

I guess I need to start planning a wedding! I'm hoping we could still manage a church wedding but registry office will do.

You can still have a blessing at a later date - perhaps combine it with a baptism...

This. I didn't change my name on marriage and never once been asked to explain my relationship to DS.

Once you are responsible for a baby or toddler, it is a lot harder to find time and headspace to organize an event. Speaking from experience.

Well, lots of reasons, but some people (including me!) just don’t want to get married, and that’s ok!

An acquaintance of mines partner died before the baby was registered, complete tragic fluke.
It has distressed her & his elderly parents so so much that he was not able to be out on the birth certificate. So not legally baby's father in paperwork sense.
She has cried many tears over this. It was an extra upset at an already awful time.
Shit sometimes happens.

I don't see why you couldn't have a church wedding @TigerJoy . People always used to organise church weddings with a couple of months' notice. It's the reception venue side of things that gets booked up, and causes all the faff. Unless you have your heart set on a particularly picturesque church on a peak time in the summer, you'll hopefully be fine! Get in there before the summer, you can probably have a lovely May wedding in a nice local church, see if the church can help organise the flowers and music, and there's really not that much to it. Pub lunch afterwards! And even the dress doesn't have to be a big palaver, as you'll have a bump then you're not going to be going down the highly-fitted route anyway... If I were you I'd look into hiring one like Carrie Johnson did (I think she was pregnant too), or scouting about on Vinted etc. Accessories will make it extra special too!

Oh this is a good idea!

I've emailed the church already, just in case. I doubt we could squeeze in a June wedding at this notice but no harm in trying.

(not that the dress has anything to do with whether it's church or registry - the church won't mind what you wear as long as it's decent!)

we're very much a bonded pair

I’m glad that you’ve decided to go with getting married before having the baby because many, many women before you will have confidently said something similar to what you’ve said above, only to have the relationship end and to then find themselves in a very precarious financial situation. Many would have never in a million years thought it would happen to them, never thought that someone they spent many years with would leave them high and dry.

I would prioritise getting legally married before the baby arrives. You could have a fabulous first anniversary party where you go all out and have a simple register office do for now (though having got married in a register office, I would say that, to me, the venue was irrelevant, exchanging vows with my husband was wonderful and it wouldn’t have mattered where we did it).

If I was you I would go to registry office and have a ten minute ceremony and do reception another time.

Get yourself covered legally should anything happen once baby arrives.

So true. It's the reason I got married whilst I was pregnant.

Get married. With a child you need all the financial and legal security you can get. All of this is provided by a marriage certificate.

If you don't get married then make sure you have sufficient legal paperwork so that if one of you dies before you are married, the surviving partner and the child have sufficient to live on and a place to live.

When I was an IFA I saw far too many "common law wives" (as we used to call them) made poor and even homeless because their partner's family inherited the deceased's property.

I would have preferred to be married before DS came but my biological clock was ticking and we agreed that in principle we would get married one day. I really didn't want to get married pregnant so the compromise for us was to do a small family wedding in the summer while I was still on mat leave with time to plan it when DS was almost 1, and we had a gathering days later for a christening which we had wider family and friends to - we actually considered a blessing on the same day but decided against it due to the nature of the church service and certain things that couldn't be changed or our choice.

As someone else said you'll need to make new wills when you're married anyway. I understand you not wanting to get married quickly now but I would make sure you get something planned and arranged in the diary for multiple reasons. There are benefits to waiting until your child is slightly older but also disadvantages of not being married in the meantime.

I wish you well with your marriage and baby.

However, I don’t understand the posters referencing marriage as a protective force if the man were to leave her high and dry after the baby was born. What exactly would a marriage of only a few months duration do if the DH upped and left? Other than make the process of separating longer, harder and more expensive, giving him more chances to dick you around?

All the comments about the unmarrieds on the relationship boards and “nobody thought it would happen to them” are a bit shitty. It’s not like divorces don’t happen. Have a look at the divorce threads on there too.

Both me and my children would lose out hugely if I was facing a divorce and that’s why I can’t possibly risk marriage. Literally to protect my children (and their father agrees - because he wants to protect them too!)

Me neither. You and baby need that protection.

Go to the registry office with just a few people followed by lunch at a nice restaurant nearby. Have a celebration at a later date

We did registry office just us two whilst pregnant. Then can always do a celebration later. It was really important to me to have the legal bits in place.

If you want a church wedding remember it doesn't have to be huge - just need 3 Sundays notice for the banns (I've organised tiny ones with 2 witnesses and some with 500 guests!)

And John Lewis has a decent number of options for maternity wedding dresses fyi

Great idea - you saved me the time