Is there a benefit to getting married before the baby comes?

[TigerJoy]

Partner and I are in our 40s,been together 10 years. Been trying for a baby for ages. We decide to get married and boom,next IVF round works. Baby is due August, first for both of us.

I'm not really bothered when we get married - we're very much a bonded pair and while I think it's lovely we will be getting married I'm not in a hurry. I'd quite like to wait til the baby is 1 or older, so I'll have headspace to plan a nice party and lose a bit of weight to wear a nice dress. I'm also feeling pretty rubbish with the pregnancy and can't imagine I'd enjoy a formal event while pregnant much! However I wouldn't mind just doing something small with family if we did something soon.

I've heard people on here talk about why it's important to be married when you have kids - is there a benefit to getting married before the baby gets here? Bearing in mind we are definitely going to get married.

Fwiw we both have similar amount of savings, live in a house we own together. We'll update our wills before the baby gets here too.

Oh sorry just to add I ended up getting married at 6 months pregnant because of that!

I have a child and not married, but I’m the one with the savings, good pension and own my home outright. I want Dd to have it all and definitely didn’t want to compromise my or her position in life by getting married!

So there are absolutely some circumstances where getting married is detrimental to women. This isn’t one of those cases though.

Of course you don't have to get married if you are not ready/ don't want to.

But since you are pregnant, it is important to make sure that everything legally is in place for the baby should anything happen to you or should you split up.

That doesn't have to involve marriage (although marriage is a more straightforward way of doing it).

It might involve some complex legal stuff like looking at your wills, and what would happen to the baby if one of you were to have an accident, etc.

If you get married later, you have to re-register the birth to say the baby now has married parents, and a DH can register the birth alone if you are not up to going out. Plus all the points above (bar the surname points - call the baby and/or you whatever you damn well please, there are no set rules and the baby doesn't need to have either of your surnames.) Friends of ours had a secret registry office marriage whilst she was expecting, and no-one found out until the "wedding day" a year after birth, when the vicar announced the legalities had already been performed and the ceremony was a blessing instead. Does that appeal?

Bearing in mind we are definitely going to get married.

You can't be sure.

Having a baby can put an IMMENSE strain on a relationship and personally I'd want that legal commitment first. Anything could happen, yes you'll be prepared for death with the wills but there's horrendous birth injuries, severe mental health issues that mean you can't work etc.

If you really don't want to get married before birth then I'd genuinely sort out POA paperwork if you want him to be able to make decisions if you end up in a coma.

Doctors make medical decisions not unqualified people.

Glad your friend id okay.

OP, marriage is generally not recommended for women unless they plan to be SAHMs, as you're putting your assets at risk. As long as you both own house and you aren't reducing your earning power then no need to marry if your paperwork is in order. If you want to marry, consider a pre-nup and do it whenever you fancy!

Doctors don't make treatment decisions without consulting patients, and if it's not possible to talk to the patient, they would talk to next of kin if they were there and there was time. In this country an unmarried partner would be consulted, I'm sure, but I'm not sure this would apply in some other countries people commonly visit on holiday.

OP, marriage is generally not recommended for women unless they plan to be SAHMs, as you're putting your assets at risk. A sweeping statement. People who don't make a will and die unmarried but with a long-term partner will be leaving their assets to their children, if they have any, or to their parents/siblings if they haven't. Not everybody understands this. Most people would want their partner to make their funeral arrangements, not their parents. And then there's inheritance tax, which very few married couples will pay because they get such generous allowances for the money they leave each other. Far more to leave to their children and grandchildren.

£57 registry office simple ceremony for 2, it’s all digital, no paper certificate.
Then a bigger celebrant led wedding when baby is older.

"If you get married later, you have to re-register the birth to say the baby now has married parents"

Surely this is not true? I didn't do this, we registered our baby's birth together, and got married 2 years later.

You don’t have to re-register the birth if you marry afterwards. Or put it this way - we didn’t. But there are some good reasons for being married beforehand - the next of kin point being one of them in case there is a health emergency. I would say - do it small now and have a big party later.

The reregistering bit is from the days of "legitimate" children having more rights than "illegitimate" children. But I don't think it matters now. Technically you are supposed to still do it.

Details of re registering birth
https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/application-to-re-register-a-childs-birth-following-marriage-of-natural-parents

We are getting married this year. It has been strongly suggested to us by the registrar that we reregister our children’s births. Something to do with an issue that can be caused if they ever want a particular visa in the future. Wasn’t paying much attention but will reregister them.

@Stressedoutforever what did you mean by this?

1. Baby automatically gets mums surname, and I wanted us all to have the same

I am currently unmarried with two children. They do not have my surname. I am marrying their father soon but will not change my name so they will still not have my surname.

The main advantage is that you will have done it, and won't find yourself still unmarried 10 years down the line (because you never got round to it) and dealing with a nasty separation and the realisation that you get no recompense at all for any income/career/pension limiting decisions you may have made (ie leaving the workforce or working part time for a number of years)

There are lots of threads about women in these difficult circumstances on MN.

And every single one of them thought it could never happen to her

Same in my NCT group. The woman developed a rare complication of pre-eclampsia and was in a coma, obviously hadn’t been able to put the father on the birth certificate because of being in a coma since the birth, and, had she died (it was, I gather, 50/50), he would have had to legally establish his paternity before being able to take his own baby home from the NICU.

So many long-term relationships crumble when a baby (however much wanted) comes along.

Get married before the birth to get protection.

Most women suffer a loss of earnings power due to motherhood even without becoming SAHM.

Becoming a SAHM isn’t always planned. Say a child is born with severe medical needs, making it impossible for one parent to work. I’m afraid it’s usually the mother who stops working, not least because she often realizes that her partner is simply not capable of being sufficiently patient to manage the care of a child who is very hard to look after.

Bearing in mind we are definitely going to get married

Everyone thinks this, but for various reasons they don't always. Whether they lose momentum, or something unexpected gets in the way, or even one person suddenly dies... It's not nice to think of, but you never know.

Personally I would just get it done, a simple and joyous day, rather than have it hanging over me for years like a chore (and it will be years if you're waiting to lose the baby weight, not be so tired, etc). Right now you are radiant and child-free - no better time than the present.

It remains the law that DC should be re-registered if the parents subsequently marry.

I'd never heard about visa complications before - but you can be fined if you don't. The fine is £2 (and they don't ever seem to issue it - I suspect it's only still the law because no-one's ever got round to tidying it off the books)

Yes. And registry offices can be gorgeous depends what’s near you. Also many hotels do civil weddings. A friend has just booked a wedding for 3 months time and I thought how refreshing no years of build up. Will be lovely.

We got married after baby, so baby had my surname then as we had to re register her anyway fter we got mrried we then then changed her surname to our married surname. I wanted the wedding to be separate to having a baby

It is true, although there are no penalties for not doing so

Medically until registered baby would have had your surname, and if something happened before you registered baby they would go down with your name.

It's a daft reason and I know it's not important but it was to me

The main problem with threads like this is they perpetuate the myth that marriage offers protection!

It might, at best get you a share of pension if a long marriage and you're the lower earner. But the only real way to protect yourself if to own half the house and protect your earning power.

Marriage is a dangerous con that lulls women into a false sense of security and makes them take huge risks like SAHM-ing without understanding how big that risk is.

Everyone should make informed choices that are right for them, hence the marriage myth needs dealing with. Spousal support is rarely a thing and men dodge child maintenance.