Is there a benefit to getting married before the baby comes?

[TigerJoy]

Partner and I are in our 40s,been together 10 years. Been trying for a baby for ages. We decide to get married and boom,next IVF round works. Baby is due August, first for both of us.

I'm not really bothered when we get married - we're very much a bonded pair and while I think it's lovely we will be getting married I'm not in a hurry. I'd quite like to wait til the baby is 1 or older, so I'll have headspace to plan a nice party and lose a bit of weight to wear a nice dress. I'm also feeling pretty rubbish with the pregnancy and can't imagine I'd enjoy a formal event while pregnant much! However I wouldn't mind just doing something small with family if we did something soon.

I've heard people on here talk about why it's important to be married when you have kids - is there a benefit to getting married before the baby gets here? Bearing in mind we are definitely going to get married.

Fwiw we both have similar amount of savings, live in a house we own together. We'll update our wills before the baby gets here too.

Lots of people will say it's fine to wait as long as you are financially independent/ not going to be a SAHM. As a mum to a child with SN, I know lots of mums who planned to go back to work but can't because getting childcare for a disabled child is practically impossible. If they are not married they are reliant on their partner being reasonable if they split up. Oh and it is nearly always the mums that give up their career and security. Even if you think your relationship is rock solid I wouldn't risk it.

‘marriage is generally not recommended for women unless they plan to be SAHMs’

really? 🤣 who wrote those guidelines? 🤣 Who said romance was dead eh? Ffs

@ColesCorner7814

Because women tend to lose out through marriage, doing more wife-work etc,

It's an institution founded by men, for the benefit of men. Women are happiest outside of marriage. Men are happiest inside marriage:

Indeed. I didn’t and would never change my name and any child would definitely have my surname. I’ll never understand why so many women still do this, even if I vaguely respect their choice.

The problem isn't marriage though, is it.

It's the fact that so many women are prepared to do the 'wife work' without being married. Repeated maternity leaves, sacrificing career progression, being SAHMs, not being on the house deeds, not saving for retirement, etc etc.

Thereby leaving themselves desperately vulnerable when the fathers of their children choose to walk away.

There’s some sweeping generalisations you got there.

marriage is a legal contract that grants automatic rights. These can almost all be replicated through legal documents such as a will, power of attorney, pension beneficiaries, financial trusts etc.

The difference between doing these kind of agreements and an actual marriage is that anyone can revoke a will by simply write a new will saying it revoked all others. Not important, until it is.

Marriage conversation rights and obligations which can only be dissolved by divorce and agreement / enforceable financial settlement

Vast difference, esp if your career and earning power have been impacted by child bearing and rearing.

If you’re definitely getting married soon then it doesn’t matter too much- I know a few couples that married within a year or two of the baby being born.

from a purely practical pov it not married you have to go together to the register office and sign something to confirm he is the father. If married then only one of you has to go.

Unless op owns a huge expensive home and has a great pension in her name but her partner doesn't, then she'd be better off not getting married

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy! That is really wonderful news especially as you were trying for many years and did IVF.

I think most women fall into various "camps", the ones for whom marriage is important and who want to get married before having children, the ones who definitely don't want to get married ever, and the ones who want to get married "one day" but are really not fussed about the timing and are happy to buy a house together and have children... some of those women will end up getting married much further down the line, some won't.

I think you must be in the latter camp, since you've been with your partner for 10 years and tried for a baby for a long time before deciding to get married. My advice is to think carefully about just how important marriage is to you, and think how you'd feel many years down the line if you never ended up getting married - you might have regrets, you might not mind at all. If you think you'd regret it then my advice is to do a small church or registry office wedding before baby is born, and a bigger celebration further down the line if you want.

You own the house jointly so that's good; you won't find yourself homeless if the two of you split up. You say that you and your partner have the same amount of savings, but you're not working atm due to your health - how do the two of you manage day-to-day finances; do you have a joint account? Do you have any income of your own (ESA and/or PIP)?

Oh and a couple of points about surnames

1. you don't have to change your surname even if you do get married
2. make sure baby has your surname! With or without your partner's surname (if different)

FWIW I got married before having children and my children have both surnames. If we ever get divorced I'll still share a surname with my kids without being stuck with an ex-husband's surname.

I have some income. Dp pays vast majority of bills and mortgage. I pay what I can and have some money left for my own stuff. He's been very generous and brilliant about how I went from earning not much less than him to nothing.

Surnames...urgh.

I have a double barrelled surname and it is SUCH a drag. I won't change my name but v tempted to give baby dad's name for simplicity - I've written my name on so many sample pots since getting pregnant! That or just one of my names plus DP's. OR three surnames, I can't decide. My parents are hilariously pushing for baby to take his dad's name, not like they get a say!

That leaves the woman in a precarious financial position if the man leaves her.

(Unless she's the higher earner)

If I were you, I would give baby one of your surnames - whichever is shorter or goes best with DPs - or merge the surnames somehow, plus DP's surname.

My children and I all have two surnames and it's never been an issue, it's a bit long to write out in full but I don't have to do it that much, and most of the time if a surname is needed I just use the initials.

A baby doesn’t automatically have to have the father’s surname

A baby is named after it’s mother - has been that way for centuries.

That said you could have a middle name as a surname - so not a typical surname, would be only needed for passports and exams etc.

Congratulations on the baby and wedding.

Dont worry about a registry office wedding they are lovely and just a magical.

OP, we didn't get married before our daughter was born and instead got married later on.

I think the people on her saying yes if course I would want to be married or why wouldn't you get married before etc. are talking from a different point of view from you. Maybe they got lucky with the right partner early in life or maybe they haven't reached that crossroads yet where your biological clock is ticking and your not married. I'd be less worried about being married and more about keeping the relationship strong through baby. Many marriages have broken down around me post baby.

You seem to want to do it next year. I don't see any problem with that. Maybe write a pros and cons list and then go with your gut at the end.

To answer your question not being married was a bit awkward whist travelling through airports as we brought her birth certificate to prove that she was mine. It only happened to us one in around 10 flights that they asked if I was the mum. The other thing I would say pro getting married first is that once the baby is there life changes completely. The relationship changes and the free time is less and it's a stressful time to get married. Before the baby you are free agents and can go on Honeymoon, stay up late etc.

It was important to me so we got married a few weeks before our daughter was born. Original wedding was cancelled due to COVID so instead of 30 guests we had 2 witnesses. I don't regret it. We might have a party for our 5th or 10th anniversary but I'm in no rush.

I am so grateful that me and my partner married, it gives so much protection in the event of the worst. In my case my husband died, we were young (him 36) so never really thought about death so no wills although we had planned to get around to doing them “one day”. when my husband died I was automatically entitled to his pension, bereavement allowance (which paid for his funeral) and everything was easy with no solicitors needed. Obviously I would rather it not to have happened but not having to worry about money and concentrate on the children for the first few years was definitely a help. Obviously you could go to a solicitor to get things drawn up for this but i would say it’s much easier for your and your child’s protection to just get married. You can have the big party eventually but thing can easily get put off when I the trench’s of those first few years of parenthood.

I would agree if OP is the lower earner, giving up career to be SAHM etc. but women are perfectly capable of being that protection themselves. I was never married, and I don't need my ex to survive and to be honest, I would have been worse off if I had been married.