Long-standing argument with my partner.

[QuirkyOtter]

Hello everyone.

I am new here and was wondering if anybody can offer me any advice.

My relationship has hit a bump in the road at the moment due to an issue which has not been resolved for a while. It all revolves around Easter Sunday.

My partner has a small family, his Mum and his Grandma. His lovely Grandma turns 100 on Easter Sunday! Unfortunately, this also clashes with Easter Sunday plans we had already made with my family for us (he/we didn't realise the clash in dates!)

Easter Sunday has always been a big occasion in my family, not to mention it is also my birthday weekend too.

I shared with him that I would like to try and do both things if we can. He initially categorically said no to doing both and is saying that he can't understand why I would prioritise Easter (which he said consists of basically a roast) over his Grandma's 100th Birthday. He said that if it were him in my shoes, he would drop his plans for me.

I said to him that I understand what he is saying, but feel that I have missed two Christmases with my family as we choose to stay as a couple but he didn't feel like he could leave his Grandma and Mum at Christmas. His response was that if I wanted to see my family at Christmas, it would be without him as he needed to see his Mum and Grandma. I explained that there have been occasions where him and his family have been priority.

We saw his Grandma and Mum yesterday and they started talking about her birthday. His Grandma would like to go to the sea-side. I explained that unfortunately I wouldnt be able to go to the seaside but will drop by afterwards when they return for tea and birthday cake at her carehome. I have tried to compromise and do both things.

His Grandma and Mum's face dropped and they both looked really sad. When we left after we saw them, I said to my partner that I felt awful for letting them down. He said that he thought their reactions were very mild, and that if he was in their position he would have responded far worse. This obviously added to the guilt and I didnt feel that this was a fair comment from him.

Things have been icy between me and him since, and I keep offering for them to message me when they are back at the carehome and I can leave my parents for a while and pop by to celebrate with them. I reassured my partner that I care about his feelings and can see how much this means to him.

He is refusing my offer and throwing it back at me with "I dont understand - you said you wanted to spend the time with your family, so now youre going to just leave them at some point through the day?" My parents are very flexible, and the nursing home is close by so it wouldnt be an issue. I feel like he knows this but now he is being awkward and stubborn.

I guess I am stuck in a rut of feeling guilty. I desperately want to do a little bit of both things, but he seems resistant to what I am offering and it is becoming emotionally draining.

I guess I just feel that with big occasions there seems to be no compromise on his part sometimes. He does come to my family events and is always happy to, just never on special occasions.

Am I being selfish and unreasonable? After going through this in my head 10000 times, it is nice to vent and get some opinions. Thank you.

Unkess there is a massive back story in then 100 birthday trumps practically anything else led.

Go to the 100th birthday seaside trip, have a quick coffee and birthday cake and then go to your mums for the rest of the afternoon/evening. Do both?

In future you are going to have to put your foot down over Xmas/special occasions and compromise from both sides of the relationship and not just yours.

The 100th birthday is the priority. If you family’s Easter celebration goes on into the night, why don’t you just join them later?

Also, you mention that you haven’t seen your family for the past 2 christmases because your partner can’t leave his mum and grandmother. Why can’t you just spend christmas apart? Or just see each other in the evening after spending the day with your respective families?

A 100th birthday takes precedence.

I can’t fathom how you saw her face drop in sadness when you said no and still think it is OK.

Negotiate over Christmas etc but recognise that of course he will care about his Mum. Include her, in future, in these big jolly family occasions you have?

The issue the fundamental difference in your approaches to big occasions. Leaving the 100th birthday aside as that's a massive occasion that rightly should trump an annual Easter dinner, he wants to see his family on special days, not yours. That is his right. You want to have these days as a couple and what - alternate?

Neither of you are wrong, just have a different outlook.

100 year BD is a very big deal! I wouldn't miss it and be upset with DH if he didn't see the importance.

Regarding other events, you should do a Christmas with your family, New Year with his family and next year swap or so. There has to be a fair balance.

Well firstly, start your own post maybe?

Secondly, narcissistic or do you actually mean vain?

Thirdly, it's been accepted, there's no issue, move on with your life

Sorry thought I had. Not sure how to use Nice to meet you
Moving on

Good luck with attempting to arrange both families being together at xmas.
Tbh you both sound equally intense around your ideas about families.
Suffocating just reading the op.

Come on OP, I'm not sure why you would be in two minds. She's 100 - it's a huge deal and it sounds like she doesn't have many ppl to celebrate with so I'm not surprised their faces drop. I'm really shocked you would even question which you would prioritise.

I bet your partner has had to attend many more birthdays for your family than the other way round over the years given he only has his mum and gran and you can't step up for a 100th.

The obvious solution would be to have your Easter meal another day, but if your mum can't put herself out than fair enough - you can join later, I doubt his Gran will be partying into the night.

Without being horrible, at 100 she doesn't likely have many birthdays left. The family commitments you'll need to go on his side after that point will be tiny and just for his mum - I agree you nedd to sort out what you'll do for Christmas though although it's likely his mum will feature to some extent unless you plan to leave her on her own once his Gran has gone. Hopefully your family will have her round- we've had to do similar in my family so one side isn't left alone.

It's difficult because he's an only child, that means his mum would be on her own for special occasions given her DM is in a nursing home. Your family is larger and they have each other. The best way to sort Xmas is to invite him and his DM round ( have they met yet?). Plan B would be to accept separate xmas's. I'm surprised you didn't just be separate for the first 2 years, I've often started off that way, and he was agreeable to it, you've still got Xmas eve to share, which is a bigger deal in a lot of Christian cultures.

It's difficult because he's an only child, that means his mum would be on her own for special occasions given her DM is in a nursing home. Your family is larger and they have each other.

Yes it will be harder for his DM.
However, I’m not sure why the OP should simply forgo HER Christmas with HER family because her family isn’t ‘on their own’. I’m not sure it’s fair on their dcs either…. (If they have any)

Im saying that as an only child whose parents have no one else either (or no one close by. Other family members are all abroad…).
If I was following that line if reasoning, we would never spend Christmas with dh family because his mum has another dc close by to spend Christmas with.

And yes she can include the DH’s mum in what the OP’s family is doing. But if you’ve ever done that, you’ll know the experience is totally different. In part because everyone has their own traditions, their own way to relate to each other. It’s not the same (being there and done that). And the DH’s mum might well not enjoy it.

She may not be here for her next birthday. You go for your sunday roast and let him see his grandma

The 100th Birthday is the main priority.
Your family should be 100% behind you.
During lockdown my wonderful Auntie became 100yrs old. She couldn’t have her party & I couldn’t visit. Three months later she passed away.
Time is not on the Grandma’s side. Your partner, who has presumably known & loved her all his life is understandably put out at your wishes.
Try & put yourself in his position. I’m sure you would 100% wish to spend this important day with your own Grandma.

If his family is mum and Nan, and Nan is 100, you are never going to get you and partner to spend Christmas with just your family. By Christmas Nan will likely be ill, it could be her last Christmas. Rinse and repeat. Then partner can't leave his mum alone. You and partner either need to start hosting both sides, or you need to get OK with spending special days separately if seeing your family on those days is important to you (it isn't to me, we just mark out a day that fits the household with the most constraints and the 2nd most, everyone else fits around that.)

I can’t stand the fuss around birthdays but I think 100 is incredibly special let’s face it your only going to be 100 once

good move going to birthday

Or like I do, as an only child, you do alternate Christmas. Like anyone else.

This particular event with the 100th birthday IS different.

But he could have admitted his part if responsibility in the mess (aka he wasn’t careful and agreed to to do the Easter stuff with the OP’s family, not realising the clash with the 100th b’day)

I think 100 is special but the truth is we are only any age once. If that wasn't true I think I'd like to be 17 again, once wasn't enough. If anyone knows how I can arrange that I'd love to know.

It's difficult because 100 is a big deal and I do think you should prioritise that. But going forward you need to get time with your side of the family on special occasions equally to his side.

Thank you everyone. I told my Mum this evening that I would be attending the 100th birthday, which she understood. I said that I would like to come over after though which she was happy about.

She then made a point of things always seeming to go his way, and then asked me if I was scared of him, which I questioned?!

Atleast that side of the awkwardness is gone now...

I can see why he'd want to spend Christmas with his mum and nan if it's just the two of them. Plus he had no problem with you going to your family if you wanted too 😕 Can't really see the issue to be honest.

His Mum asked if you were scared of him…

That should be enough.

Well given she won't be having another 100th birthday and there will be plenty of other Easters, I'd say its right to go with that.

However, if you are scared of him, that's a different decision to make, isn't it?

Just to confirm that I am not scared of him and I am unsure about why my Mum asked that, but it bothered me.

My Mum can be quite manipulative and emotionally abusive too. I wasnt sure if this was a tactic of hers to over exaggerate my decision in the situation.

I'd suggest your second paragraph answers the question in your first.

You've agreed to the plans now but, in future, I'd do what you want to do and stop allowing yourself to be pulled between what others want.