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Original poster

Long-standing argument with my partner.

129 replies

QuirkyOtter · 11/03/2024 18:57

Hello everyone.

I am new here and was wondering if anybody can offer me any advice.

My relationship has hit a bump in the road at the moment due to an issue which has not been resolved for a while. It all revolves around Easter Sunday.

My partner has a small family, his Mum and his Grandma. His lovely Grandma turns 100 on Easter Sunday! Unfortunately, this also clashes with Easter Sunday plans we had already made with my family for us (he/we didn't realise the clash in dates!)

Easter Sunday has always been a big occasion in my family, not to mention it is also my birthday weekend too.

I shared with him that I would like to try and do both things if we can. He initially categorically said no to doing both and is saying that he can't understand why I would prioritise Easter (which he said consists of basically a roast) over his Grandma's 100th Birthday. He said that if it were him in my shoes, he would drop his plans for me.

I said to him that I understand what he is saying, but feel that I have missed two Christmases with my family as we choose to stay as a couple but he didn't feel like he could leave his Grandma and Mum at Christmas. His response was that if I wanted to see my family at Christmas, it would be without him as he needed to see his Mum and Grandma. I explained that there have been occasions where him and his family have been priority.

We saw his Grandma and Mum yesterday and they started talking about her birthday. His Grandma would like to go to the sea-side. I explained that unfortunately I wouldnt be able to go to the seaside but will drop by afterwards when they return for tea and birthday cake at her carehome. I have tried to compromise and do both things.

His Grandma and Mum's face dropped and they both looked really sad. When we left after we saw them, I said to my partner that I felt awful for letting them down. He said that he thought their reactions were very mild, and that if he was in their position he would have responded far worse. This obviously added to the guilt and I didnt feel that this was a fair comment from him.

Things have been icy between me and him since, and I keep offering for them to message me when they are back at the carehome and I can leave my parents for a while and pop by to celebrate with them. I reassured my partner that I care about his feelings and can see how much this means to him.

He is refusing my offer and throwing it back at me with "I dont understand - you said you wanted to spend the time with your family, so now youre going to just leave them at some point through the day?" My parents are very flexible, and the nursing home is close by so it wouldnt be an issue. I feel like he knows this but now he is being awkward and stubborn.

I guess I am stuck in a rut of feeling guilty. I desperately want to do a little bit of both things, but he seems resistant to what I am offering and it is becoming emotionally draining.

I guess I just feel that with big occasions there seems to be no compromise on his part sometimes. He does come to my family events and is always happy to, just never on special occasions.

Am I being selfish and unreasonable? After going through this in my head 10000 times, it is nice to vent and get some opinions. Thank you.

OP posts:
Sashya · 11/03/2024 21:16

I agree with others - 100th bday trumps all. And your mother will understand that if you tell her. That is if you see a future with this guy.
Personally - I'd not see a future with someone who'd make a different choice.

As to Xmases - I don't really know. If his only family is his Mom and grandma in a care home, I do understand how doing a "couple thing" doesn't work. Was it your idea? Was it because you wanted to force him to chose you over his family? I think your previous relationship history really clouds your judgement here.

Any child who'd live their Mom on her own for Xmas is really not a great person. If you have a big family - why not have a joint Xmas - as his Mom is just one extra person. And isn't it what Xmas is about?
But again - if you see a future with this man.

OneHonestViewer · 11/03/2024 21:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

SmugglersHaunt · 11/03/2024 21:26

Sorry, but the idea of Easter (🤷🏼‍♀️) taking precedence over his gran’s 100th birthday sounds completely mad and to me wouldn’t warrant another thought. You said yourself he has a very small family. Dump your family and go to the birthday

newfriend05 · 11/03/2024 21:40

I think you need to
Look at your own family OP to
Be honestly.. you said yourself they quite rigid. . A 100 birthday trumps everything . Especially as he is so close to his grandmother

Amybelle88 · 11/03/2024 21:58

100th birthday takes precedence - it's a massive deal.

However, there are other issues here and I think he sounds controlling and a little bullying, for example - "that reaction was mild". He has no intention of ever compromising for your family, so I half want to say fuck it off and have Easter with your own, BUT 100 is a big deal.

I think he our bf comes across a bit of a tosser tbh.

PlumbersWifey · 11/03/2024 22:21

I'd go to the birthday for his Nan then I'd dump him for being a controlling narcissist.

larkstar · 11/03/2024 22:55

100th birthday is top trumps IMHO.

SaladIsShitAndWeAllKnowIt · 11/03/2024 22:59

100th birthday is a big deal. Fine.

But sounds like he’s a bit of a dick about other events. Christmas etc should be alternated between families, so 2024 Xmas is with your family.

Jelliclecats · 11/03/2024 23:20

How long have you been together? How well does the granny actually know you? It all smacks of a family laying emotional guilt trips on people to get them to do what that person wants. Unhealthy.

You’ve offered a really workable solution, undramatic, I’d say stick to your guns. And truly - think long and hard about whether you feel this is the mutually respectful relationship, where you are cherished and equal, that you deserve.

Angelsrose · 11/03/2024 23:32

I think you are being reasonable in a difficult situation op. Compromising by doing both things sounds fine to me.

dammit88 · 12/03/2024 06:49

If there is only the two of the I think I would invite the WITH my family at Easter and Christmas and any 'big' celebration really. I think its nice that he thinks of the at these ties and while you should absolutely get to spend time with your family I think its a good character trait that he is always considerate to his mum and grans feelings. this might be especially a good thing when its just his mum one day.

Picklestop · 12/03/2024 06:58

You are being so unreasonable I don’t even know where to start.

A 100th birthday is a massive thing, you might only ever see one in your social / family circle in your whole life yourself. I am mortified for you that you casually told them you couldn’t make it.

Original poster
QuirkyOtter · 12/03/2024 07:11

Hello. Thank you for your comments, it has helped me to reflect and look outside my own bubble.

I think the best decision to make would be to celebrate his Grandma on her 100th birthday and say to my family that I cannot make the Easter dinner but will pop in afterwards.

I know that this is a very special and important occasion and I really understood their perspective when they looked disappointed (I didn't think me being there or not would hold a lot of weight on things, but this appears to be the case).

Aside from this situation, I do feel that in the relationship in general my needs need to be met more. And next Christmas I would either like us to all be together (both families), or I will come away and do Christmas with mine this year.

I do understand his point, but feel that he has said some unkind and manipulative things throughout this argument. However, I understand that he felt angry.

Thank you everyone once again, it is very much appreciated.

OP posts:
Londonscallingme · 12/03/2024 07:14

Another vote for the 100th birthday

CactusClaire · 12/03/2024 07:18

100birthday celebration takes priority here, then also 101, 102 until Grandma dies. Family should rally round her to make her final years extra special

Sparkletastic · 12/03/2024 07:20

How long have you been with DP? Is it a 'forever' relationship?

Original poster
QuirkyOtter · 12/03/2024 07:22

@Sparkletastic We have been together two years and we live together in his flat. Planning on buying a place together at the end of the year.

OP posts:
Onelifeonly · 12/03/2024 07:25

I can't imagine not attending a 100th birthday. I can't tell if your partner is very controlling because I think he is right on this occasion.

You could have a meal any Sunday with your family. You should be fully in for the birthday- seaside and all. It's not the same at all to 'drop in' later.

varyblue · 12/03/2024 07:33

I said to him that I understand what he is saying, but feel that I have missed two Christmases with my family as we choose to stay as a couple but he didn't feel like he could leave his Grandma and Mum at Christmas. His response was that if I wanted to see my family at Christmas, it would be without him as he needed to see his Mum and Grandma

Is it you who wants to spend Christmas as a couple OP, rather than it being a joint decision? Because you've contradicted yourself here. It seems he's happy to not spend Christmas together as a couple and you each see your own family instead (very fair especially as no kids) but you've chosen to see his instead of yours for the sake of staying as a couple.

There will be a time when you wish for just one more Christmas with your parents. So I don't blame him for his approach.

gannett · 12/03/2024 07:55

On a practical level, get a shared calendar and use it. I'm not sure which invite you got first - presumably the 100th birthday? - but all of this could have been avoided if the clash had been realised immediately.

I said to him that I understand what he is saying, but feel that I have missed two Christmases with my family as we choose to stay as a couple but he didn't feel like he could leave his Grandma and Mum at Christmas. His response was that if I wanted to see my family at Christmas, it would be without him as he needed to see his Mum and Grandma. I explained that there have been occasions where him and his family have been priority.

Why don't you see your families separately at Xmas? Seeing his family is important to him, seeing yours is important to you - you don't need to "choose to stay as a couple" if this builds up resentment on either side. Perfectly normal to go your separate ways for one day. You don't need to miss Xmas with your family (and neither does he).

I would be putting the brakes on buying a house together as well, at least until you can both find a way to communicate/organise/resolve disagreements/ better.

Original poster
QuirkyOtter · 12/03/2024 08:04

@varyblue He was happy to part ways on Christmas day, but it was more me who wanted to be together as a couple, so put my family needs aside.

I think it's clear that I have a lot to work through in terms of self esteem and feeling like it's ok to be separated on special days. I agree that it isnt his responsibility just because I felt this way.

OP posts:
LeoTheLeopard · 12/03/2024 08:14

QuirkyOtter · 11/03/2024 19:14

Unfortunately both my partner and my Mum can be rigid. I guess I just feel stupid going back on mu decision now, especially when I made it clear to both sides what my intentions were.

Well don’t marry your mother!

The whole dynamic is about being able to bully you into compliance. The issue is not his grandmother’s birthday it is about how he responds when you assert yourself in a way he doesn’t like. He is letting you know to get back into line or there will be punishments in terms of ‘being off’, comments, arguments, whatever.

What would happen if you said “Your attempts to guilt me into the 100th make me dislike you. There are now no circumstances under which I will be attending. You and your Mum can make sad-face at each other, I really don’t care.”

MegMarchHare · 12/03/2024 08:22

QuirkyOtter · 12/03/2024 07:22

@Sparkletastic We have been together two years and we live together in his flat. Planning on buying a place together at the end of the year.

So... You've been together two years and you've spent every Christmas with his family in that time.

Different horses for different courses, but to me the whole thing sounds suffocating. He's moved you into his flat, he's not even married you, but he has a lot of assumptions about what you owe him and his family. A lot of expectations and obligations. And you have them too... Not wanting to spend Christmas apart from him. I think a lot of posters have been swept up in the "dear old granny's big birthday" angle and missed the bigger picture here. I feel like you've given him a lot of importance very early on, and it's not doing you or the relationship any favours. He's neither courting you, nor committing to you. I think you need more independence.

And please don't have children with him unmarried unless you fully understand the rights you don't have.

Cantabulous · 12/03/2024 08:38

Grandma wins, in my book. What an honour to be so wanted by her on her big day!

Lifebeganat50 · 12/03/2024 08:41

QuirkyOtter · 11/03/2024 19:06

@Blueblueblueblueblu I feel that he is annoyed that I am trying to compromise. My family occasions go well into the evening/night, so I am hoping that we can have most of the day with her and then go back to my parents afterwards.

Sometimes the compromise has to be ding the “right thing”, in this case, the right thing is the birthday