Long-standing argument with my partner.

[QuirkyOtter]

Hello everyone.

I am new here and was wondering if anybody can offer me any advice.

My relationship has hit a bump in the road at the moment due to an issue which has not been resolved for a while. It all revolves around Easter Sunday.

My partner has a small family, his Mum and his Grandma. His lovely Grandma turns 100 on Easter Sunday! Unfortunately, this also clashes with Easter Sunday plans we had already made with my family for us (he/we didn't realise the clash in dates!)

Easter Sunday has always been a big occasion in my family, not to mention it is also my birthday weekend too.

I shared with him that I would like to try and do both things if we can. He initially categorically said no to doing both and is saying that he can't understand why I would prioritise Easter (which he said consists of basically a roast) over his Grandma's 100th Birthday. He said that if it were him in my shoes, he would drop his plans for me.

I said to him that I understand what he is saying, but feel that I have missed two Christmases with my family as we choose to stay as a couple but he didn't feel like he could leave his Grandma and Mum at Christmas. His response was that if I wanted to see my family at Christmas, it would be without him as he needed to see his Mum and Grandma. I explained that there have been occasions where him and his family have been priority.

We saw his Grandma and Mum yesterday and they started talking about her birthday. His Grandma would like to go to the sea-side. I explained that unfortunately I wouldnt be able to go to the seaside but will drop by afterwards when they return for tea and birthday cake at her carehome. I have tried to compromise and do both things.

His Grandma and Mum's face dropped and they both looked really sad. When we left after we saw them, I said to my partner that I felt awful for letting them down. He said that he thought their reactions were very mild, and that if he was in their position he would have responded far worse. This obviously added to the guilt and I didnt feel that this was a fair comment from him.

Things have been icy between me and him since, and I keep offering for them to message me when they are back at the carehome and I can leave my parents for a while and pop by to celebrate with them. I reassured my partner that I care about his feelings and can see how much this means to him.

He is refusing my offer and throwing it back at me with "I dont understand - you said you wanted to spend the time with your family, so now youre going to just leave them at some point through the day?" My parents are very flexible, and the nursing home is close by so it wouldnt be an issue. I feel like he knows this but now he is being awkward and stubborn.

I guess I am stuck in a rut of feeling guilty. I desperately want to do a little bit of both things, but he seems resistant to what I am offering and it is becoming emotionally draining.

I guess I just feel that with big occasions there seems to be no compromise on his part sometimes. He does come to my family events and is always happy to, just never on special occasions.

Am I being selfish and unreasonable? After going through this in my head 10000 times, it is nice to vent and get some opinions. Thank you.

In this situation I would be prioritising the grandma's 100th birthday, I think you're being a bit unfair. Turning 100 is a pretty big deal and even if she's in great health she's not realistically going to have many more birthdays.
Easter weekend is also 4 days, can't you do Easter Monday with your family instead?

You picked the wrong hill to die on. The Christmases and Easters preceding, you had a point. But you don't trump a 100th birthday.

I think you need to think about what your relationship is. He is a partner not a husband. Maybe he needs downgraded to boyfriend and you each see your families on special occasions alone.

If there are kids in the offing, this needs to be worked out.

You always need to be wary of a man (or woman) who manipulates you into spending time with his family on special occasions and ensuring you don't see your own. This gets worse after marriage and children.

Take everyone to the seaside ... Have a lovely afternoon promanarding eating chips and fighting seagulls... When Grandmas had enough drop her back home with cake a giant 100 balloon and a huge smile Then all back to your mum's for an epic BBQ and drinks into the night...

Chuck a lamb in the oven the next weekend

I think do what granny wants for her 100th. That's really special.

But then set stronger boundaries about all the other annual celebrations as that seems like the bigger issue.

Yes, a 100th birthday is a big deal - for him and his family, not you! She’s not your grandma so I don’t think you should be prioritising it over your plans. It shouldn’t be a problem for you to do things separately if the plans don’t match up. He sounds way too rigid in his expectations.

100th birthday wins over anything else. It is a special circumstance.

so special that your family should consider moving its gathering so you can attend both.

now holidays like Christmas and Easter in general, should be shared. You can split the day, you can alternate, but it should balance between your two families. There is no specific formula because there are so many variables like distance and family configurations, but you should both get the same value of quality special occasion time with your families if you look at it over the very long term.

Just a tad.

This.

@TedMullins this is how I initially felt.

I guess I am also a little bit scared from a previous 8 year relationship where he was a single child and I again put the needs of his family first over my own and missed special occasions with my family. I felt really bitter about that when we separated. I guess I dont want to make the same mistake twice, but completely agree with others that I have picked the wrong hill to die on.

I would go for the 100s, to be honest it is one of a kind and not everyone had it in their life time.

Christmas and Easter are every year. Make sure this year you do other things with you family and book some special occasions with them.

I was no longer invited to my exh's grandma's birthday parties after we broke up and I really missed them. Went to visit her a couple of times on my own with the kids instead (long train trip or I'd have done it more often). She didn't quite make the big 100 sadly. Sounds like you have a wonderful GMIL too, enjoy it while you can!

I think the problem is all the other events like Christmas that he refuses to compromise on. That's your issue.

A 100th birthday of course you should cancel Easter plans with your family for.

I am going to go against the grain here and in your position I would go to my parents for Easter and prioritise spending my birthday with them. I agree 100 is a massive deal and if you hadn’t already spent time apart from your family on other occasions (two Christmas’ in a row and Mother’s Day yesterday) I would’ve opted with sacrificing what I wanted and gone with him. But you have sacrificed enough time for a selfish and pretty unpleasant partner.
There could be more birthdays, mothers days and Christmas’ but there may also be not. I didn’t realise my dads Christmas would be his last. And I’m so thankful I spent the day apart from my partner (now DH).

You need to do a u-turn, you're being totally unreasonable I'm afraid, his granny is 100 and you're huffing because your family blah blah blah.

Sorry. 100th birthday trumps Easter. By far.

Just make sure you get your Christmas arrangements sorted early this year!!!

Your partner has two relatives in the whole world and one is turning 100 yrs old and he wants you to be there

and your not sure?

he’s really not a top priority is he

I would not miss the 100 birthday - it’s very special and not many people make it to such a fab age. I would go to the seaside with them 😊
At Christmas if it’s only his mom and grandma could they not come to your family Christmas? If you’re serious about him then they may end up as in laws anyway

he/we didn't realise the clash in dates!

So he didn’t realise the clash, agreed to the Easter meal with your family but now backtracks on it (fair enough) but is making you the bad guy for having an issue with it? Even down to try and compromise so you are both with his gran during the day and finish with the evening at your parents?

I have to say, yes I would prioritise his gran.
But I would sure make it clear to him that he needs to take responsibility in the mess created by ‘not realising the crash’.
And i would start establishing boundaries but he clearly expects things to go his way, and never yours.

@OneHonestViewer genuinely you don’t see turning a 100 a big deal? Particularly in someone with enough faculties to enjoy it? In terms of special events what do you see as a big deal? Because you’ve put being a century old on the same level as an Easter roast, what would make you go “now that’s a big deal”??

100th birthday trumps everything else. So the plans are to completely be about grandma and taking her to the seaside.

I wish my grandma had live to that age and I could have done that with her 😰

Oh and also if you had been invited to my grandmas 100th birthday and you thought other plans were more important it would have been a dealbreaker and I’d have finished with you.

Well
Ok no need to tell OP off- also it would be your grandmas decision in this hypothetical scenario !

Why can't you both go and do stuff with your families separately? I don't understand why couples are expected to be joined at the hip like this