Gay porn, while I'm putting the baby to bed

[galaxyexplorer]

Hi, looking for some advice. I saw on my OH's phone that porn sites were in his most viewed tab while we were googling last week, long story short. I went down his phone, because I was sure it was gay porn. Turns out while I've been upstairs with poorly baby (poorly/exhausted myself, loads of viruses in our house since what feels like forever) putting the baby to bed - he's been sat downstairs watching gay/trans and live porn.

I don't mind porn at all, I watch it - we watch it. I would say we have a reasonably decent sex life. Though now I feel like that's likely because he watches porn then comes up to bed and is all fired up.

Anyway, I am really struggling with my confidence since the baby, and now I just feel grossly inadequate and deceived by him. I fronted him about it and was quite clear in the fact that I was very seriously considering not continuing the relationship and that this would be a good opportunity for him to be more upfront about his sexuality. He totally freaked out, was absolutely mortified and extremely embarrassed and apologetic (I did feel bad for him) anyways he assured me he's not gay (not that it would be a problem if he was, I just would rather know sooner than later)

I cannot stop thinking about it and now I feel like I don't want to touch him, I'm finding him quite unattractive and have moments where basically I'm so angry with him for doing this to us. I'm not prudish whatsoever, I just feel betrayed in a double whammy kind of way, gay/trans and live (this was only women from what I can see) - Is it normal for me to feel a bit grossed out by him right now?

Has anyone been in a similar situation and moved past it, or had any other similar experiences (the good, the bad, the ugly)? I just feel so alone with this and cannot bring myself to talk to friends that I normally would if I had relationship problems.

Bay and trans porn strongly indicates that he isn't sexually aroused by the female form and you are not the object of his desire.

You run the risk of him becoming sexually actively with men which could lead to infecting you if he still has sex with you.

I would be utterly sickened by such a man and would split up up with him instantly.

He’s into men. Maybe also into women but definitely into men. Personally I’d leave as my attraction would go.

You have to decide if you’re happy to live with someone who is same sex attracted and that watches porn and watches gay and trans porn

Yeah I agree. I’d be sickened too. Which I think is a normal reaction tbf

Has he ever mentioned before about men? Or being bi/bi curious? I think him not being open about it from the start I would be shocked and would feel slightly weird. I know a guy who is for the most part straight but likes playing with guys but not them with him. We also got onto porn and he said some of the more “extreme” stuff was trans, which I was surprised about. If we ended up in a relationship I couldn’t be mad as I’m fully aware of it and doesn’t bother me, but if I wasn’t aware before hand then yeah I would be question stuff I suppose.

Thank you for the replies, I'm glad to hear I'm not alone in being a bit grossed out by this kind of thing. On reflection, he makes everything sexual, in a really immature way - plus he always has his hands down his pants (which again, I find gross) I guess I don't want to end up with a creepy old man on my hands (which is sort of how I feel about him atm). I feel really hard done by with relationships, perhaps I'm best of just focus on me and my beautiful children and myself from now on.

Thanks Autumn, there's never been mention of men - but he's always on his phone WhatsApping guys from work (often younger) and it feels excessive to me, I used to joke and call them his little objects of affection. That might be totally innocent, I'm obviously looking at things differently/a lot closer now. Oh and he has lots of interest in anal/pegging (tried it a few times and wasn't for me)...it doesn't look good does it...

He's watching gay porn but isn't gay? 🧐

He is very obviously bisexual, and closeted too.

You're allowed to no longer be attracted to him because of what you found.

It's a pretty big deal, and the fact that he's been hiding this from you is the problem that needs to be dealt with.

I've had a relationship with a bisexual man, and before I met him I would have been turned off by it. This guy was completely up front about it, and his honesty and the fact that he trusted me with this made him even more attractive to me.

I know - now I'm saying it out loud, it is a bit ridiculous isn't it...what a mess :(

Op, were there any signs that he was interested in men

My horrible ex was a closet gay.

He managed to find a spurious reason to split up with me many years ago.

TBH he did me a favour. We had two children, as well.

I dont think watching it necessarily means someone must be gay, but the fact its been kept secret when he knows you are ok with porn in general makes it seem much more likely!

But it's kind of irrelevant, if you've been put off you've been put off 🤷‍♀️

Being sexually active with men specifically doesn't mean he will automatically 'be infecting' OP, what a homophobic thing to say. It's perfectly possible to practice safe sex regardless of your partner.

That aside, OP you've told him you know, and you can tell him the continuing effects it is having on you. He may not really know what his sexuality is, or he may know but be closeted. Counselling is probably the best thing all round here if he will engage. If not, get your own therapy to decide what you want to do to move forward.

This is possibly correct however Gail Dines (porn researcher) suggests that increasing violence in porn combined with high consumption can lead men to seek out increasingly niche porn and even porn they would previously have found distasteful in order to achieve the same level of arousal they experienced when they began watching porn.

She interviewed men who were convicted of viewing CSA footage and found that a some of them were attracted to novelty rather than children, which is terrifying given how many men watch porn.

You can find lots of her lectures on YouTube.

Thanks ToBeOrNotToBe for telling me I'm allowed to not feel ok, this really helps me to feel better.

He's quite an unhappy person, in general considering his life (healthy, nice family, good job, cars, kids, nice house etc) so perhaps this explains a lot in terms of not being fulfilled in some way.

AuntMarch, you're right I mean I've watched some quite spicy porn in my time, but always been quite open with my partners about it. I think it is the hiding it which has kind of done it for me (while I'm struggling upstairs with a poorly baby, feeling bad about myself as it is)

If nothing else, he's clearly not pulling his weight if he's watching porn while you're dealing with a sick baby and not feeling 100% yourself

I think that there are enough signs there that if you don't want to be with a man who is sexually interested in men, then you're with the wrong one.

I'd be direct and upfront with him, that if he is interested in the possibility of remaining in a relationship with you he needs to tell you the truth, now, so you can see if there's a way that you can move forward. Tell him that what you're imagining is probably worse than the truth, so he might was well spill the beans about what's going on. Ultimately it's your call, if this isn't for you it's not for you, and nobody would blame you.

Well he's at least bisexual but none of it is women so it doesn't sound that convincing. And he has lots of contact with young men to the point where you used to joke there was a sexual interest. He might be in the process of working out what his sexuality is and this is part of it. Often this leads to people realising they are gay. He's also completely taking the pee and he sounds quite gross to be honest. Your comment that you would rather know if he was gay and that's fine suggests maybe the relationship isn't working anyway. I can see why you have got the ick overall. My wife was thoroughly miserable before coming out due the stress of hiding her sexuality as was her Uncle and loads of other people we know so that could definitely be a factor. He's not ready to be honest with you that's for sure

Sorry, I don't know how to reply directly on here - but FOJN I think you're hitting the nail on the head here, we've always had quite an exciting sex life I suppose and now there's a baby - it's not. I'm not making excuses at all, but I do wonder if watching porn just desensitises us and we're open to looking at more content. But all the same, it's not a journey I really want to be part of directly (obviously if he's gay or this helps him to reevaluate his sexuality then perhaps it would be better for him in the long run). I've been in therapy before (recurrent miscarriages/abusive ex/eating disorders..I'm a bit of a mess in all honesty, but I'm finally at peace with lots of things - hence me being gutted and quite frankly, resentful about this) I wonder if he would benefit from therapy tbh...

Thank you all so much for your replies, this has really helped me to clear my head more

Oh there wall loads of female porn too...that was the live porn stuff (which really gave me the ick, because it's real women)

I mean my thought was that if he isnt into men then that somehow makes it worse as it's just for the high. And once you go down the route of watching things that are further and further from your normal...more and more... extreme...it can go down a very dark route. If he's genuinely not into men, then he has a porn addicton. That's a much scarier thing.

I personally don't believe this, because I think that it's an easy thing to say and people just don't want to admit to being turned on by gay porn/trans porn or children.

They could admit to being aroused by children or they could say that it was simply because they needed more extreme stuff to be aroused...so they say it's the porn because then they can make out it wasn't them and that anyone is at risk of going down that route.

When it comes to gay or trans porn the lengths that men will go to deny that they actually watch it because of their sexuality is incredible.

Even look at Jeffrey Dahmer, he didn't blame porn and was incredibly open about his crimes that he committed, but yet he also seemed to massively struggle with admitting his sexuality and accepting it himself.

If you want to reply to a post, hit the QUOTE button.

He is miserable, and it doesn't seem like there is much that makes him genuinely happy. Which does make me wonder, I suppose you would be unhappy living life internalising such frustration and not being free to be your true self. Out of interest, if you don't mind me asking, did your wife tell you and did you have thoughts prior to this?

Regardless of what he is, are YOU happy to be in the sort of relationship that has you upstairs unwell and exhausted sorting out your baby and him whacking one out on the sofa downstairs?

It's the deception that is so awful.

He's tricked you into marrying him and having his child/children.

He could have been upfront with a woman, perhaps a close friend and say he wanted children and to be a father but was not attracted to women and give her the choice if she wanted to go parent with him.

Instead he has duped you, tricked you, manipulated you and deceived you in the worst possible way.

He has used you for your womb.