Gay porn, while I'm putting the baby to bed

[galaxyexplorer]

Hi, looking for some advice. I saw on my OH's phone that porn sites were in his most viewed tab while we were googling last week, long story short. I went down his phone, because I was sure it was gay porn. Turns out while I've been upstairs with poorly baby (poorly/exhausted myself, loads of viruses in our house since what feels like forever) putting the baby to bed - he's been sat downstairs watching gay/trans and live porn.

I don't mind porn at all, I watch it - we watch it. I would say we have a reasonably decent sex life. Though now I feel like that's likely because he watches porn then comes up to bed and is all fired up.

Anyway, I am really struggling with my confidence since the baby, and now I just feel grossly inadequate and deceived by him. I fronted him about it and was quite clear in the fact that I was very seriously considering not continuing the relationship and that this would be a good opportunity for him to be more upfront about his sexuality. He totally freaked out, was absolutely mortified and extremely embarrassed and apologetic (I did feel bad for him) anyways he assured me he's not gay (not that it would be a problem if he was, I just would rather know sooner than later)

I cannot stop thinking about it and now I feel like I don't want to touch him, I'm finding him quite unattractive and have moments where basically I'm so angry with him for doing this to us. I'm not prudish whatsoever, I just feel betrayed in a double whammy kind of way, gay/trans and live (this was only women from what I can see) - Is it normal for me to feel a bit grossed out by him right now?

Has anyone been in a similar situation and moved past it, or had any other similar experiences (the good, the bad, the ugly)? I just feel so alone with this and cannot bring myself to talk to friends that I normally would if I had relationship problems.

Agreed, I asked him if he was actually wan*ing in the kitchen (gross lol), like was he actually getting off on it and he said no he was just watching it...which I find really odd, if I watch porn it's because I would want to climax...

There lies the question...this is a far bigger issue in reality!

@galaxyexplorer should have clarified I'm a lesbian and it's just my wife's experience of coming out prior to meeting me. I didn't really care when I came out as I'm used to being the odd one out I just introduced her. I saw your update that it's women as well. I actually think from the update I'd be most disturbed about his use of porn overall and disturbing behaviour.

Another reason I don't buy the 'only watch gay porn because I needed more extreme content to get aroused' is because I watched it out of interest a few times and flicked through loads of videos and I actually think gay porn is way less extreme than heterosexual porn generally.

With gay sex they seem to be far more gentle than they are with heterosexual porn. In gay porn even the 'dominant' ones seem to be far nicer and more gentle than they are to women. A lot of it is pretty tame and it's not more extreme at all.

I never watched Trans porn so I can't comment on that.

The live porn would be a step too far for me.

That can lead easily to interacting, paying etc. But even without interaction or payment, it's too far for me.

Lots of people will be here to say him watching gay or tranny porn doesn't mean he's gay or bisexual.
Sorry but I don't know any hetero men who'd look at gay or tranny porn. Studies have shown that men are actually much more set in "grooves" as it were - narrower in their response to sexual material depending on their sexuality than women - who respond to a wider range. Hetero men are I know are not interested at best, disgusted and freaked out at worse by gay and tranny porn. They are not mentally or physically turned on by men having sex with each other or a man, even styled as "feminine" with his dick and testicles bouncing & flapping all over the place during sex.
So he probably is bi, at least.

The lying around watching porn and wanking when you have a new baby who's not well and leaving you to do it all is another issue.

He sounds like he needs the heave ho tbh.

I don't trust meh who.watch gay, trans etc porn to be straight or faithful
I think men are often way more "practical" than women and what women could leave as experimental, fantasy etc stuff (re porn); men are more likely to act on.

I think the "slide to extremity" theory is more complicated than people perhaps think .....

And I could be wrong but I don't think that hetero men who end up watching CSA generally watch CSA of boys. Their orientation seems to remain the same.

Personally I'd be inclined to think that's his sexuality (bi or gay); at an absolute push a hetero man might watch tranny porn out of curiosity and because the men are styled like women (though the male genitals are very conspicuous) but gay porn, nah.

Oh and I also suspect the "slide into extremity" theory is promoted by men who want to victimise themselves as addicts and victims of the porn industry. Because they don't want to admit they chose that material, they're interested in that material, they went looking for it etc.

They probably think they'll get an easier time in the justice system if they say they just started with regular porn and were sucked into a downward spiral of addiction and increasing extremity.

Well, what I've noticed is that while there's a tonne of "teen" stuff on main stream porn sites ...... I have never ever encountered CSA images/videos. Ever

You can't get that easily or "naturally" or as some progression. It's simply not available .. it's dark web stuff etc.
So if they really mean they "descended" to CSA images - then they didn't do so without an active, purposeful, deliberate, probably quite difficult search for that material.

Never trust a word a CS abuser (or watcher) says; lying and manipulating to try to minimise, excuse, blame other factors and play the victim etc is their MO.

On reflection, he makes everything sexual, in a really immature way - plus he always has his hands down his pant

More reasons to give him the heave ho.

And why do you feel I adequate??

Life changes when you have kids. It can't be a fuck fest. Even before kids, it often can't be a fuck fest in ltrs. Well adjusted people know that and work with it. I know people (99%) men who think with their dicks, they are one tricky ponies, sex obsessed and fuck up their lives and those of anyone involved with them, last time I met one he was talking about trips to Thailand. I can see the eye rolling, cyclical civility in their kids interactions with them. They're nice people so they have contact and are kind, but I'm sure they have zero respect for them. Sad they have to have the understanding of their parent that they do. I notice they all go to their mothers for Christmas etc., the dick led losers have their own bachelor Christmas.

Anyway, you're doing what you're supposed to do as a new parent, prioritising and caring for your offspring. He's the one who off wanking to live porn and non hetero porn instead of pulling his weight. He could be giving you a break/taking turns. He could take his head out of his dick for a few hours.

He sounds sex obsessed and sleazy (and skeezy).

Exactly, it's the only angle that they can try where they push some responsibility away from themselves and they say oh no I'm not actually sexually attracted to children, it was just the urge to view more extreme content.

Ted Bundy tried to blame porn for his crimes too when he was trying to avoid the death penalty.

But as I said with Jeffrey Dahmer he didn't blame porn and seemed to take accountability for his actions, but what he still struggled to accept was his sexuality. So he could admit to being a serial killer and even a cannibal but admitting he was gay was a whole other level!

There are many men out there who would rather claim to be porn addicts than to admit that they're bisexual or gay.

All that would put me totally off him... if you don't fancy him any more cos of this...leave him. He can find himself and you can have self respect.

Ted Bundy tried to blame porn for his crimes too when he was trying to avoid the death penalty.

Yep.

He tried to jump on some band wagon.

The rather obvious question was how other men were watching/looking at the same porn (which was relatively limited then) but somehow not violent, deranged, depraved serial rapist murderer necrophiliacs like him. Hmm.

The judge's comments in that case were also a disgrace beyond disgrace.

So he could admit to being a serial killer and even a cannibal but admitting he was gay was a whole other level

Kind of like MSM today (men who have sex with men) but believe sincerely they are heterosexual and insist on inflicting a farce of a life on women.

I'm not prudish whatsoever, I just feel betrayed in a double whammy kind of way, gay/trans and live (this was only women from what I can see) - Is it normal for me to feel a bit grossed out by him right now?

I'm really confused about this grouping of "gay" and "trans" pornography. Can I ask what exactly he has been watching? It's an important distinction to make because these are two completely different categories of pornography that cater to different audiences, and they will tell you different things about OH's sexuality.

If he is watching videos that only feature men, then this is certainly gay pornography, and it's a strong indication that OH is gay.

If he is watching pornography with transgender women, then this would indicate he is straight. These videos are generally only watched by straight men.

You are free to have your own perspectives on pornography (and I'm sure OH is aware of your opinions), but I think nailing down whether OH is gay or straight is a useful piece of information.

Yeah that term annoys me.....well not so much the term because sometimes it's important medically etc. but the fact that people insist that many 'MSM' are straight just because they say they are, even though their sexual interests and sexual behaviour do not match that of a heterosexual man.

It would be like me insisting that I'm a lesbian even though I'm sexually attracted to and sleep with men 🤔

It massively skews the figures to allow people to identify with a sexual orientation which clearly does not apply to them.

Clearly, there are a lot of MSM who are heterosexual. The most glaring example would be in pornography, where many male actors in gay pornography are actually heterosexual. So I'm not sure why the term is controversial.

I specifically said "but the fact that people insist that many 'MSM' are straight just because they say they are, even though their sexual interests and sexual behaviour do not match that of a heterosexual man"

So the 'gay for pay' porn actors might engage in gay behaviour but they don't actually have a sexual interest in men.
Or some straight male prostitutes do it because they have to for money for drugs for example.

But there are others who claim to be straight even though their sexual interests AND sexual behaviour do not match that of a heterosexual man.

They willingly choose to sleep with men, not for money, not because they have to, but because they want to, because they're attracted to them and because they enjoy the sex....but then they say they're straight...and they're not.

The term is controversial because many men who know that they are gay or bisexual say that they straight.....even though they're clearly not straight....and then for some reason the narrative gets spread around all the time that absolutely looooooads of heterosexual men sleep with men too. Well if they're not doing it out of necessity then they're not heterosexual.

I'm not bi and like lesbian porn.

I’ve heard of people watching homosexual porn even though they’re straight because watching straight people have sex is too normal if they’re straight themselves and they see gay porn as different and hence more thrilling to watch even if they don’t want to engage themselves. I don’t feel that way myself but it kind of makes sense. It doesn’t necessarily make him gay if that’s the case but I would definitely suspect 🤣

I honestly think that that's just a massive lie because some men would rather say anything at all than admit that yes they're sexually attracted to men.
Gay porn is really not that different. I watched it out of curiosity (I'm a straight woman) and it generally seems to be more tame and gentle than a lot of heterosexual porn and there's far less variety too.

He maybe is gay, but the only reason I know that some people seem to like it even though they’re not is because two women I know who are married to men watch lesbian porn and are not people I would suspect to be attracted to women by any other measure, though I guess they could be. Also, perhaps men’s and women’s minds work differently on this. I can’t remember how the subject got brought up 🤣 but they said they find ordinary porn boring to watch! Takes all sorts

It was trans as in women with male genitalia.

If he is watching pornography with transgender women, then this would indicate he is straight. These videos are generally only watched by straight men

I would disagree very strongly indeed with that.

I don't know any hetero men who watch trans porn.

They are disgusted/turned off by trans sexual "women" and transvestites and don't want to watch them have sex/don't get turned on by them having sex.

Ateotd all transvestites are men with intact male genitals and the vast vast majority of trans sexuals are men with intact male genitalia. Regardless of chest implants and styling/presentation - their genitals are male and conspicuous.

The general reaction of hetero men I know to trans "women" and porn is "eeeww". They don't consider their thing, it's another world. The general reaction Ive seen is distaste, derision, considering it freakish etc.

I'd say the vast majority of men who watch it are bi at least, but not out.

Clearly, there are a lot of MSM who are heterosexual.

That is the definition of an oxymoron.

You are not heterosexual if you have sex with the same sex as you.

The most glaring example would be in pornography, where many male actors in gay pornography are actually heterosexual

Tell me you don't under the porn industry without telling me you don't understand the porn industry.

Gay porn work has more demand and is more lucrative than hetero. It's a financial decision. What their true sexuality is, who knows.

I honestly think that that's just a massive lie because some men would rather say anything at all than admit that yes they're sexually attracted to men

Go on a eg a gay hookup site and see how many men are married or in ltrs with women.

I looked on one out of curiosity and the second ad I saw said "don't contact me between these times etc. My wife doesn't know".

Ask gay men who many of their sexual partners are.
Ask male prostitutes who the majority of their punters are.

Then there's a thread on here every week or at most fortnight with a woman whose partner has been caught on fab guys or similar and who is gas lighting the shit out of her. There have been two that have stuck out to me with the most heavy duty gas lighting I've seen, and it was going on for years. There are many many men who simply cannot accept their sexuality themselves let alone come out. It doesn't fit with their world view, for lack of a better term. They fight for their lives if their partner challenges them, no lies or gas lighting arevtoo much.