Gay porn, while I'm putting the baby to bed

[galaxyexplorer]

Hi, looking for some advice. I saw on my OH's phone that porn sites were in his most viewed tab while we were googling last week, long story short. I went down his phone, because I was sure it was gay porn. Turns out while I've been upstairs with poorly baby (poorly/exhausted myself, loads of viruses in our house since what feels like forever) putting the baby to bed - he's been sat downstairs watching gay/trans and live porn.

I don't mind porn at all, I watch it - we watch it. I would say we have a reasonably decent sex life. Though now I feel like that's likely because he watches porn then comes up to bed and is all fired up.

Anyway, I am really struggling with my confidence since the baby, and now I just feel grossly inadequate and deceived by him. I fronted him about it and was quite clear in the fact that I was very seriously considering not continuing the relationship and that this would be a good opportunity for him to be more upfront about his sexuality. He totally freaked out, was absolutely mortified and extremely embarrassed and apologetic (I did feel bad for him) anyways he assured me he's not gay (not that it would be a problem if he was, I just would rather know sooner than later)

I cannot stop thinking about it and now I feel like I don't want to touch him, I'm finding him quite unattractive and have moments where basically I'm so angry with him for doing this to us. I'm not prudish whatsoever, I just feel betrayed in a double whammy kind of way, gay/trans and live (this was only women from what I can see) - Is it normal for me to feel a bit grossed out by him right now?

Has anyone been in a similar situation and moved past it, or had any other similar experiences (the good, the bad, the ugly)? I just feel so alone with this and cannot bring myself to talk to friends that I normally would if I had relationship problems.

You might be surprised to learn that a lot of straight men with a penchant for 'pegging' is nothing to do with being bi or gay. It's about a desire to be dominated by a woman wearing a strap on and having sex with a man would repulse them.

My personal sexual attraction is heterosexual men.

I have absolutely zero issue with anyone fancying the opposite, same sex and no sex at all Etc. However, my choices mean for me I want someone who reflects the sexual preferences that I have. And there is also nothing wrong with that.

I would not like to be with this man anymore either. I would be hurt he had deceived me by not declaring his sexual preferences if he is indeed different to what he had shared with me.

There is nothing wrong with standing by your sexual (legal) preferences. We are entitled to have preferences. No one can tell you likewise.

Let him be free to explore his sexual preferences.

I'm the same.

I don't want to have sex with men who are attracted to/turned on by other men or transvestites or trans sexuals.

(Nor am I attracted to or want to have sex with sexually submissive men).

I would feel similarly to the op.

I'd say that's very common for a heterosexual woman.

Anyway this dude sounds like a lazy, selfish fucker - as well as having dubious tastes in porn for a "hetero" man.

I am a straight woman who watches lesbian porn.
there was a thread about swing and a couple of women said in group situations might have sex with a woman but didn’t consider themselves bi as they wouldn’t have 1 on 1 sex with a woman. The term hetero flexible came up. One said her husband was the same.
so i dont think him watch gay porn definitely means he is gay or bi.

Quite literally the definition of bisexual is having sex with both sexes.
Heteroflexible is a way of calling yourself bi without wanting to call yourself as such.

Tobeornot
I totally agree with you…. But then it swingers seem to create endless names for things rather admit to the obvious!

They've done studies on the female brain though and found that lesbian porn lights up the same parts as straight porn. But gay porn doesn't do that to straight men. So where some hetero women might watch lesbian porn and get a kick from it, it doesn't seem to be the same from men.

Maybe it has something to do with the socialied sexualisation of the female body or something. Also, we hear men talk a lot about girl on girl stuff being a fantasy. But gay sex being 'gross' and treated as if it's something to be frowned upon. 'Naughty' tabboo vs actual tabboo.

As women we don't tend to talk loudly about man on man fantasies yet woman on women fantasies are pushed in so many ways in the media because its a man's world.

Apparently only being into heterosexual men is the one sexual preference that we're not allowed to have 😂

I read this article on the reasons why 'straight' men watch gay porn, and some of the points they made were reaching to say the least.

Point no 1. Rebelling against gender stereotypes??
Well I agree that they could think that heterosexual sex was demoralising to women, because as I said gay porn seems to be more gentle and respectful, however that's not the reason that men give when they watch it, they say that it's because it's more extreme, which it isn't.

Point 2. That they're watching to see what other male bodies look like 🤔
What? They are clearly visible in hetero porn also.

Gay porn tends be based on a narrative of hypermasculinity – often very ‘manly’, muscular men – and this might appeal to straight men as an intriguing and different kind of sexual relationship to what they normally see in their regular porn.”

Again...what? Straight porn has a lot of hypermasculinity and 'manly' muscular men also.

Point 3. Yes they're curious or open-minded bi or gay...so they're not straight...so that's not a reason why 'straight' men watch gay porn.

https://www.thepinknews.com/2018/03/19/why-do-straight-men-watch-gay-porn/

Your OH is heterosexual.

Granted, there's still plenty to work through with regards to his pornography use, but you are not dealing with a closeted gay man.

To the poster above that remarked it was homophobic to suggest gay men might carry more diseases - it's absolutely not.

"While anyone who has sex can get an STD, sexually active gay, bisexual and other men who have sex with men (MSM) are at greater risk. In addition to having higher rates of syphilis, more than half of all new HIV infections occur among MSM. Many factors contribute to the higher rates of STDs among MSM:

• Higher rates of HIV and STDs among MSM increase a person’s risk of coming into contact with an infected partner and becoming infected themselves.
• Certain behaviors – such as not using condoms regularly and having anal sex – increase STD risk."

If it turned out OPs DH has physically acted upon his desires then she would be rightly concerned about being at higher risk of STIs.

I'm sure what you are saying about your heterosexual friends being disgusted by transgender porn is correct, because not all heterosexual men are aroused by looking at transgender women. However, virtually all men who are aroused by looking at transgender women are heterosexual. (I don't have numbers for what proportion of heterosexual men are attracted to transgender women vs not attracted).

Gay men, almost universally, are not attracted to transgender women and do not watch pornography featuring transgender women.

False. "Heterosexual" and "homosexual" refer to internal feelings rather than actions.

They SAY that they are heterosexual, that doesn't mean that they are!

People can lie about things, but I assure you that men who are attracted to transgender women are not lying when they say they are straight. Apart from transgender women, they are only attracted to women and not men.

It's interesting then that transwomen themselves often say that these so-called 'straight' men 'other' them and don't actually treat them or see them like biological women at all.

Many will say their experiences on dating sites or hook up sites shows a lot of interest from men who say they are 'straight' but they want to use the transwoman to fulfil a fetish and as a sex toy.

You can't 'assure' me of anything. You have your opinion and I have mine and mine is based on mens interests and behaviour, not how they choose to label themselves.

As I said earlier I could say that I was a lesbian and identified as fully lesbian, even though I'm not attracted to women...that wouldn't make it true in any way though.

Yes, straight men can treat certain categories of people as sex toys or fetishes, but that does not mean they are not straight men. As I already explained, the men we are talking about only have an attraction to women and not men.

.....If you want to be woke and PC rather than factual.

You're not going to push this on people no matter how hard you try!

They might say they're not attracted to men, but yet many of the'straight' men who watch Transwomen are specifically watching porn where they are pre-op and have penises. That's not straight.

It's got nothing to do with being "woke" and "PC." Words have definitions, and the terms "homosexual" and "heterosexual" refer to sexual orientation, not actions. A gay man who has sex with women is still gay, and vice versa.

Yes it IS woke and PC.

Yes they do have definitions and for some reason all sorts of people try to insist that they're heterosexual when they're clearly not.

I feel like at this point we're going to need new words for straight/heterosexual to define the category of people who are exclusively sexually interested in the opposite sex and their behaviour also reflects this (barring male prostitutes who are forced into it etc.)

But then no doubt all the non straight 'straight' people will be labelling themselves as that also.

Because the amount of mental gynmastics that people will do in order to lie to themselves and others about this is simply insane.

It's very sad that people tried so hard to make people and young people feel that there is no need to be ashamed about their sexuality, if you're gay say so, if you're bisexual say so....and so many people did and were proud of it!

But then there's a whole group of other people out there who are like "oh no don't worry, you're not gay or bisexual, you're just a man who sometimes likes to have sex with men, you're still straight!" 🙄 Come on!!!

I’m sorry OP.
I would be really turned off by this TBH. I think for me it would be over and I would be looking to separate and hopefully coparent amicably.

Sorry not to be more positive.

I hope it all works out for you and DC
💐

Xenoi said that a heterosexual person who is MSM is an oxymoron. I said it isn't, because sexual orientation and actions are two different things. Obviously, there are many reasons why people, both gay and straight, might take part in a sex act which does not reflect their sexual orientation.

Your comments are about people concealing or lying about their true sexual desires and sexual orientation, which is a different topic altogether.

If it was my husband I would chop his nuts off and then throw him out the house. Disgusting 🤮

Generally on here when we are talking about this subject we are talking about men who say they are 'straight' but who are concealing and lying about their true sexual orientation. So it's not a different topic. That IS the topic that we're discussing.

We're not discussing women married to MSM who are only doing it because they are working as male prostitutes to maybe pay for a drug habit or survive....but yet that gets brought up every time even though the topic very clearly is about men who are lying or concealing their sexual orientation.