Gay porn, while I'm putting the baby to bed

[galaxyexplorer]

Hi, looking for some advice. I saw on my OH's phone that porn sites were in his most viewed tab while we were googling last week, long story short. I went down his phone, because I was sure it was gay porn. Turns out while I've been upstairs with poorly baby (poorly/exhausted myself, loads of viruses in our house since what feels like forever) putting the baby to bed - he's been sat downstairs watching gay/trans and live porn.

I don't mind porn at all, I watch it - we watch it. I would say we have a reasonably decent sex life. Though now I feel like that's likely because he watches porn then comes up to bed and is all fired up.

Anyway, I am really struggling with my confidence since the baby, and now I just feel grossly inadequate and deceived by him. I fronted him about it and was quite clear in the fact that I was very seriously considering not continuing the relationship and that this would be a good opportunity for him to be more upfront about his sexuality. He totally freaked out, was absolutely mortified and extremely embarrassed and apologetic (I did feel bad for him) anyways he assured me he's not gay (not that it would be a problem if he was, I just would rather know sooner than later)

I cannot stop thinking about it and now I feel like I don't want to touch him, I'm finding him quite unattractive and have moments where basically I'm so angry with him for doing this to us. I'm not prudish whatsoever, I just feel betrayed in a double whammy kind of way, gay/trans and live (this was only women from what I can see) - Is it normal for me to feel a bit grossed out by him right now?

Has anyone been in a similar situation and moved past it, or had any other similar experiences (the good, the bad, the ugly)? I just feel so alone with this and cannot bring myself to talk to friends that I normally would if I had relationship problems.

That's fine, but as I already explained, my reply to Xenoi was specifically to address an incorrect statement that a man who has sex with other men (MSM) cannot be heterosexual by definition.

I can't help it, I'm super turned off & I really am quite sad for me, for us tbh. I just can't really see how I can move past it. I'm always ok though tbh, I've been in worse situations & I have my beautiful children to see me through. Thank you x

I think you knew the type of back and forth conversation this would generate when you said you didn't understand why the term MSM was so controversial.....even though me and @Xenoi24 had both specifically pointed out which category of men who fit into it make it so controversial.

I don't think we should need to clarify every time we're making a point that we're not talking about the ones who do it because they are forced to etc. and that we're talking about the ones who seek it out or willing to do it because they want to or they're curious and sexually excited by it.

I am totally with you. My attraction would die instantly.

Apart from his general laziness with baby, it seems though that he’s OK and you can likely salvage a healthy co-parenting relationship.

You sound switched on and although this is a huge set back you have good perspective on past relationships and I agree time for you and DC for a while before you consider dating again.

💐

I'm so sorry, OP. My XH ended our marriage to come out as gay. He started off saying he was bi, but it turned out that he only ever watched gay porn and never porn with women in it. I only found out about the porn when he said he was bi. If your partner is also watching women then he may be bi rather than gay - which makes a big difference in terms of whether there's still a chance for your relationship.

Personally, I don't think it really benefits anyone to stay together if one person is gay and the other isn't, though some do. I clung on to my marriage for longer than I should have.

Anyway, regardless of the gay/bi thing, this man who watches porn while you're looking after your poorly child ... Is he really what you want in a partner?

If you would like to talk to people who have been through similar, you could contact Straight Partners Anonymous (see attached poster).

Sadly, in the vast majority of the cases I know about, they start behaving like selfish teenagers once the cat's out of the bag. XH started going out to gay clubs until 4 am because he "needed" to so that he could "find himself".

Do look after yourself. Is there anyone in real life you can confide in? And it might be worth self-referring for some counselling. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Thank you so much for your reply. This is so helpful to me, I really appreciate the insight and the support organisation contact, I was trying to see today if there was any support for this kind of scenario. There was loads of female porn too...part of me wonders if he just thinks the world revolves around penises 😅 He is extremely immature and makes sexual jokes at the most inappropriate times (like some creepy old relative from the 80s 🫣)

Unfortunately I can't seem to bring myself to speak to anyone in real life, I feel too much of a failure to face anyone about it (I know I will be ok, I've been through a far nastier relationship previously with my eldest's dad...though the prospect of two failing relationships with children is eating me up, but I think I just generally feel rubbish about myself right now) I know I probably need to speak to someone in person about all of this. It's not just this instance, as you say, it's a failing as a partner to be so absent in supporting me with the baby. I feel like I'm stuck at a stale mate at the moment, when it happened we had a big discussion about it and it was just before my first Mother's Day with our baby after lots of losses, so part of me just wanted to bury my head and allow myself to have a nice day. Now I feel like he thinks it's all been forgotten...but it's clearly not. He needs to know the ongoing effect it's having on me.

I'm so sorry to hear you had to go through this with your ex, it must've been so difficult for you. I do hope you're keeping well now and are through the other side. Thank you again - you've really helped.

Ah, @galaxyexplorer you've obviously been through a lot.
It took me quite a while to find support, which is why I now browse Mumsnet for posts like yours so I can share the information.

It's almost six years since my ex came out to me. When I thought he was just bi and we could work through why it had taken him 18 years to tell me, I did a couple of trusted friends. But it was almost a year before I got counselling, found support and really talked to anyone about it.

XH now lives with his boyfriend. DC like the BF.

I'm now in a genuinely loving relationship with a very nice straight man. My DC like him and get on well enough with his DC for us to do occasional things all together. Cautiously talking about plans for the future once they're no longer all permanently at home. There is life on the other side. I'm much happier than I was when I was married. I see now that XH had some controlling tendencies and I did all the childcare, most of the housework - it's actually easier without him.

It's interesting that the heavily female-dominated fan fiction world contains a massive amount of man-on-man fantasy (slash fiction). Anecdotally (and personally) I also know several women who prefer gay porn to hetero porn for many reasons - no off-putting dodgy power dynamic for starters but also just... two male bodies (ie presumably what hetero men enjoy about lesbian porn).

You are incorrect.

A man who has sex with other men by choice, is not heterosexual.

I'm sorry you have such difficulty accepting facts.

You simply cannot know that.

The heterosexual men I know are disgusted by transvestites and transexuals. They don't want to watch other men dressed in clichéd sexy female clothing/accessories being fucked with their dick and balls bouncing up and down.

It is absolutely not the case that a man watching tranny porn is heterosexual for sure. It's no certainty and it's not something hetero men I know ever watch.

no off-putting dodgy power dynamic for starters

Gay porn is chock full of power dynamics.

The "twink - bear/daddy" setup completely dominates (no pun intended) gay porn.

That is a dynamic that's all about physical and mental dominance/contrast.

He is extremely immature and makes sexual jokes at the most inappropriate times (like some creepy old relative from the 80s 🫣)

On top of his apparent fixation on sex and his hands being down his trousers much of the time, and him leaving you to care for a sick baby alone while he watches porn ...... I'm really sorry but I don't understand - unless all this just suddenly emerged after you fell pregnant - why you tried again and again to have a child by this man.

Were you trying to prove you weren't the problem in your failed relationship with your eldest's father ..... By having your next significant relationship "work out". I find a lot of divorced/separated women do that. You weren't the problem and you don't need to prove anything.
It's a fallacy.

If it doesn't work out, that's just the way it is. It's not your fault, it's his.

He sounds sleazy, skeezy, immature, inappropriate, lazy, selfish etc.
He sounds like he's such a porn hound he's watching tranny porn cause he's bored with hetero porn (or he is bi).

To make it clear, no off-putting dodgy power dynamics that involve women. Hence women being able to watch it without experiencing the turn-off that's very common in hetero porn.

Hetero men are not all the same. I dare say some are turned off by trans women. Plenty are not (certainly my trans friends don't seem to have any problem finding them!).

Some heterosexual men are turned off by transgender pornography. Other heterosexual men are aroused by it.

Most importantly, virtually no gay men have any sexual interest in transgender women. Ask your gay friends. OH having an interest in transgender pornography means it is almost impossible that he is gay.

A man who has sex with other men could be heterosexual, homosexual, or just about anything else.

A man who is aroused when he looks at men is gay. If he chooses to have sex with a woman, this does not make him straight, nor will it change him from a gay man to a straight man.

As I have already explained, the terms "homosexual" and "heterosexual" refer to internal feelings, not actions. This is the commonly acccepted usage of the terms.

Emotionally hes not i agree.
I was away caring for my mum as she lost her partner and my ex was watching hours of porn whilst i was struggling emotionally.
Someone i was seeing years n years ago had signs he was gay...not homophobic or going on stereotypes. Would hang about with younger gay men...wouldnt go downstairs on me if you get me .. he stared at other men a lot...he would try to get attention from women but it was trying to convince himself he wasnt gay...other tell tale signs. I finished it because i didnt want to be that woman where when his parents died (very judgemental they were) he would come out and have wasted my years.

Years down the line i found out his dad had died 2 years before and ..... He had moved with his sister and come out.
I was right.
Tackle this with him again..say 'dont waste my years'