Where to begin with this one.
Married 10 years, together 20. 2 kids. He was my first real boyfriend. Fell in love with him because he was funny, the life and soul of the party. We used to go out partying until the early hours of the morning, we'd host great gatherings for our mates, being young was super fun. For various reasons I was also a bit adrift when we got together (after all I was still a teenager) and he offered a lot of stability. We finished uni and he got a great job, encouraged me to do the same so that we'd have money and adventures together. I didn't really want a top paid corporate job, I wanted to do something in the arts but nothing paid well enough for the lifestyle he wanted so I got a job in finance for the money and figured it was OK to trade off my dreams as we'd have other dreams together. So far so good. And we did have a good time together for a long time.
Things started to go wrong around the time we got married. We were also buying a house and the stability he offered started to morph into being very controlling about everything, particularly money. He diverted my salary into his bank account (I KNOW it's stupid but we were getting married anyway and it was easier not to fight) and was always on at me to earn more, pay more as we needed more money for the house and wedding. Then as soon as we were married, he was on to the next thing.
He wanted to start a family (even though we'd agreed for years we didn't want children as there is a serious genetic condition in my family I didn't want to pass on). So we fought about that. And then he wanted a new house, and wanted to renovate, which we did. Except that we'd agreed a budget which he blew (it was very much his project and he didn't want me involved... at this point I was still pretty young, in my 20s, so again I let it slide) so it cost twice what we'd had set aside. Again, more pressure on me to work longer hours and haggle for promotions and bonuses (which I did), more arguments about money, and the first of many remortgages to free up cash.
As soon as house finished we're back onto him wanting a family. I gave in and we had two children. The eldest did inherit the genetic condition which has obviously consumed a huge amount of energy for us both now for years. He blames me for this as obviously the genes come from my side. I adore the kids but having seen various family members and the strain of variously living with this condition and parenting children with the condition, it's hard and wears you down. During this time my career has continued to progress, whilst his has stalled. He's angry and bitter about this. Always making nasty sarcastic comments. He continues to manage all of the money in the house, and we as a family continue to pursue a lifestyle we candidly can't afford with the non-disabled child in private school, best possible therapists for disabled child etc. Our mortgage is even bigger than it was 10 years ago as we've continued remortgaging every few years to free up money for life.
In the meantime, his being funny has rotted with old age into him just being sarcastic and unpleasant. Him being safe has turned into being bullying and domineering. The friends we used to throw parties for have all disappeared. No one wants to be around him any more as he makes obnoxious and offensive comments. I have a lot of friends, but just see them alone. No one wants to be around him and the husbands / partners don't like him. Where I have made friends who initially try and include him he makes excuses and always has an excuse not to want to be friends. He says they're annoying or aren't on our level. My family hate him. If I want to see my parents I have to do so alone, he never comes (he says their house is too shabby and he doesn't like visiting). He won't be in the same room as my siblings (who I adore and am very very close to). If I visit extended family he also won't come as he says he gets left out because they're more interested in talking to me than him.
He has a vile temper and yells and screams at the children. He calls them idiots. He calls me a c*nt in front of them. He's only happy if we're all on our best behaviour and ideally when I proactively think of everything he might like - cook his favourite meals, make sure kids are on best behaviour, house is tidy, and ideally take them out alone on the weekends so he can have a break. Noting that I work longer hours than him as am more senior in my job so I have to do all of this on top of working 50 hours a week so that he can lie around and scroll on his phone. If I ask him to do anything around the house he loses his temper. I never ask him to take the kids to give me a break as I know he gets angry and yells at them.
Where is this all going as a post (to anyone who has read this far). I just feel so trapped.
I work full time and am lucky enough to be very very well paid. But I do not have a penny of savings or anything to show for it.
The house is heavily mortgaged. With the equity in the house we could afford to sell and each my husband and I could afford maybe a tiny flat in our area we live in London. Obviously moving would be really hard for the kids.
Then there's the issue of childcare. My eldest needs specialist care which we've previously done through having live-in nannies (live out waaaay expensive megabucks and with working hours we need someone around all through school holidays etc). And I couldn't afford to get a place which was big enough for me, 2 kids and a nanny. BUT I also couldn't afford a live out nanny with the specialist skills required (as a benchmark c.£35k a year live in... JUST affordable, £60k a year to live out).
We could move out of London to get a bigger place but my job is tied to London, as are some of the specialist facilities my eldest needs (he attends a special school of which there are only a handful in the country of this profile).
I could get a new job with the hours to be able to do childcare myself but I don't know what job would enable me to work 10-3 each day (no after school clubs for disabled child) and have 20 weeks off a year for school holidays and pay even enough to be able to feed us, let alone pay for housing, council tax etc. A million percent nothing in my sector that's for sure.
I feel so stuck.
What am I looking for by writing all of this? I suppose just to get it off my chest. Anyone else got through a similar experience? I want out of this marriage so badly. I don't want my kids exposed to their father's angry domineering behaviour. I want them to have the experience of seeing what a healthy relationship can look like. I want them to see a happy mother. My youngest each day begs us to stop arguing. He draws pictures of his dad with an angry face, and also has adopted his father's awful mood swings, he goes from smiling and happy to hitting me and telling me he hates me.
It's all such a mess.