Hate my husband but can't afford to separate

[Namechangedforobvious]

Where to begin with this one.

Married 10 years, together 20. 2 kids. He was my first real boyfriend. Fell in love with him because he was funny, the life and soul of the party. We used to go out partying until the early hours of the morning, we'd host great gatherings for our mates, being young was super fun. For various reasons I was also a bit adrift when we got together (after all I was still a teenager) and he offered a lot of stability. We finished uni and he got a great job, encouraged me to do the same so that we'd have money and adventures together. I didn't really want a top paid corporate job, I wanted to do something in the arts but nothing paid well enough for the lifestyle he wanted so I got a job in finance for the money and figured it was OK to trade off my dreams as we'd have other dreams together. So far so good. And we did have a good time together for a long time.

Things started to go wrong around the time we got married. We were also buying a house and the stability he offered started to morph into being very controlling about everything, particularly money. He diverted my salary into his bank account (I KNOW it's stupid but we were getting married anyway and it was easier not to fight) and was always on at me to earn more, pay more as we needed more money for the house and wedding. Then as soon as we were married, he was on to the next thing.

He wanted to start a family (even though we'd agreed for years we didn't want children as there is a serious genetic condition in my family I didn't want to pass on). So we fought about that. And then he wanted a new house, and wanted to renovate, which we did. Except that we'd agreed a budget which he blew (it was very much his project and he didn't want me involved... at this point I was still pretty young, in my 20s, so again I let it slide) so it cost twice what we'd had set aside. Again, more pressure on me to work longer hours and haggle for promotions and bonuses (which I did), more arguments about money, and the first of many remortgages to free up cash.

As soon as house finished we're back onto him wanting a family. I gave in and we had two children. The eldest did inherit the genetic condition which has obviously consumed a huge amount of energy for us both now for years. He blames me for this as obviously the genes come from my side. I adore the kids but having seen various family members and the strain of variously living with this condition and parenting children with the condition, it's hard and wears you down. During this time my career has continued to progress, whilst his has stalled. He's angry and bitter about this. Always making nasty sarcastic comments. He continues to manage all of the money in the house, and we as a family continue to pursue a lifestyle we candidly can't afford with the non-disabled child in private school, best possible therapists for disabled child etc. Our mortgage is even bigger than it was 10 years ago as we've continued remortgaging every few years to free up money for life.

In the meantime, his being funny has rotted with old age into him just being sarcastic and unpleasant. Him being safe has turned into being bullying and domineering. The friends we used to throw parties for have all disappeared. No one wants to be around him any more as he makes obnoxious and offensive comments. I have a lot of friends, but just see them alone. No one wants to be around him and the husbands / partners don't like him. Where I have made friends who initially try and include him he makes excuses and always has an excuse not to want to be friends. He says they're annoying or aren't on our level. My family hate him. If I want to see my parents I have to do so alone, he never comes (he says their house is too shabby and he doesn't like visiting). He won't be in the same room as my siblings (who I adore and am very very close to). If I visit extended family he also won't come as he says he gets left out because they're more interested in talking to me than him.

He has a vile temper and yells and screams at the children. He calls them idiots. He calls me a c*nt in front of them. He's only happy if we're all on our best behaviour and ideally when I proactively think of everything he might like - cook his favourite meals, make sure kids are on best behaviour, house is tidy, and ideally take them out alone on the weekends so he can have a break. Noting that I work longer hours than him as am more senior in my job so I have to do all of this on top of working 50 hours a week so that he can lie around and scroll on his phone. If I ask him to do anything around the house he loses his temper. I never ask him to take the kids to give me a break as I know he gets angry and yells at them.

Where is this all going as a post (to anyone who has read this far). I just feel so trapped.

I work full time and am lucky enough to be very very well paid. But I do not have a penny of savings or anything to show for it.

The house is heavily mortgaged. With the equity in the house we could afford to sell and each my husband and I could afford maybe a tiny flat in our area we live in London. Obviously moving would be really hard for the kids.

Then there's the issue of childcare. My eldest needs specialist care which we've previously done through having live-in nannies (live out waaaay expensive megabucks and with working hours we need someone around all through school holidays etc). And I couldn't afford to get a place which was big enough for me, 2 kids and a nanny. BUT I also couldn't afford a live out nanny with the specialist skills required (as a benchmark c.£35k a year live in... JUST affordable, £60k a year to live out).

We could move out of London to get a bigger place but my job is tied to London, as are some of the specialist facilities my eldest needs (he attends a special school of which there are only a handful in the country of this profile).

I could get a new job with the hours to be able to do childcare myself but I don't know what job would enable me to work 10-3 each day (no after school clubs for disabled child) and have 20 weeks off a year for school holidays and pay even enough to be able to feed us, let alone pay for housing, council tax etc. A million percent nothing in my sector that's for sure.

I feel so stuck.

What am I looking for by writing all of this? I suppose just to get it off my chest. Anyone else got through a similar experience? I want out of this marriage so badly. I don't want my kids exposed to their father's angry domineering behaviour. I want them to have the experience of seeing what a healthy relationship can look like. I want them to see a happy mother. My youngest each day begs us to stop arguing. He draws pictures of his dad with an angry face, and also has adopted his father's awful mood swings, he goes from smiling and happy to hitting me and telling me he hates me.

It's all such a mess.

so the kids and I try and protect him from being stressed

Children should not be protecting adults from anything! It's supposed to be the other way around!

when I tell him he says I'm hysterical

"Hysteria" is an inherently misogynist word. It comes from the same greek word that hysterectomy comes from, meaning uterus. The idea being that the source of women's emotional troubles is their uterus wanting children. Men rarely call other men "hysterical", it's a term reserved almost exclusively for women.

He's basically accusing you of inherent inferiority because of your sex instead of acknowledging your concerns.

I haven't read the whole thread, but you should be aware that division of assets in divorce (if it has to go to court, if you are in disagreement) would take account of the additional needs of your child so (as resident parent) you could expect a bigger slice of the assets than your husband in the financial settlement.

Start to get your ducks in a row. Access to accounts, copies of documents kept somewhere safe outside the house, think seriously about taking your child out of private school.

I am divorced in a small flat with my two dc and we are happy as anything. It's like night and day. It did take a long time to get here though.

OP I’ve had 4 long term partners. Two that I lived with. Not once has one ever called me a cunt or anything else derogatory.

Abusers don’t have the energy to be abusive all of the time. Plus they don’t need to be if they can get you under control by being abusive just some of the time.

Here are the things he has persuaded you are ok to put up by him being an occasional abuser:

•calling you a cunt now and again (you even put a laughing emoji after it)
•calling your disabled child a retard - fine if he’s stressed
•he can be angry now and again and you and the DC need to act accordingly to reduce this
•your entire, and substantial, wage should all go over to him
•he has complete financial control so that you really don’t have a clue where your money goes
•he’s stressed about his financial coercion of you and finds managing the finances hard (despite insisting on it) (and I think he’s fucked it up if you can’t save substantially each month with 2 decent wages by anyone’s standards)
•He’s persuaded you to remortgage at least twice at a time when mortgages are expensive and most people are trying to reduce them

•You do all the housework whilst being the main carer and higher earner
•Your name isn’t even in the mortgage but you can bet you’ve paid more than him (not at all normal just as well you are married)

Need I go on.

He did all of this while being abusive just some of the time. Where’s his need to do it more often? You already give in and jump to his tune.

It’s all out there now. Time to realise it is abuse. Stop defending it. Your children are being affected. Time to make changes.
💐

Oh, well if he’s only abusive to them some of the time, and making them witness domestic abuse some of the time, the kids will just have to put up with it and be grateful for the times he can be fairly nice to them then?

Your logic in saying he's not abusive because his behaviour is only occasionally terrible is very clearly faulty. Just try applying that thinking to other situations.

He's not racist, he only occasionally calls people the n-word. He's not a thief, he only occasionally steals money. He's not a liar, he tells the truth 70% of the time. He's not a cheater, he's only cheated a couple of times. He's not a rapist, he only forces women to have sex a couple of times per month.

Do you see the problem? It doesn't matter how many times per day/week/month a man shouts abuse at you and your children. Once is too many!

Not to mention that when he's not calling you a cunt, he's controlling your money. He is a textbook abuser.

I'm not sure it's helpful to keep drumming this in to the OP she's already said she hates him and wants to leave.

She just needs to see a way clear to do it and usually it boils down to money and childcare.

Of course it’s not . All threads get to this point with the barrage of accusations at the op

—you havnt answered this
—- he’s XYZ (she knows )
—— and the ‘your a bad mother’
— get a free lawyers consultation (they don’t exist if you want decent legal advice you pay for it )

OP will get upset and either delete thread or delete MN

so fucking predictable

Ok, I admit I've been going on a bit. My reasoning is that I think the op is seeing a separation as a step down for the kids (they'll miss their dad, they won't have a big house, maybe no private school etc). She of course wants what's best for her children and so is hesitating to leave.

If she realises her husband is abusive, then hopefully it will be clearer that a separation would be the best thing for her children.

But I'll refrain from posting again about this. I hope the op takes some of the great practical advice here on the thread and wish her all the best.

Hi OP
It doesn't matter whether or not your husband is "abusive" or just difficult, or in fact he could be the most pleasant man on earth - you'd still be entitled to divorce him if you aren't happy.

Having said that, it seems to me that there are two fundamental issues with your life at present: your finances and your unhappy marriage. The financial situation is weighing on both of you I expect.

You need to speak to a family lawyer to see what you could expect if you did get divorced.

If you decide not to get divorced, you need some financial advice about how to get your finances back on track. You can't continue to live in a house in an expensive area, send a child to private school, and pay for a nanny if you cannot afford those things! You may have to downsize, stop the private school and explore other childcare options. Have you asked at your disabled child's school if they can recommend an after school and holiday childcare solution?

Have a chat with a solicitor to discuss your options. Then have a chat with the school and see how feasible it would be for you and your son to commute into London for both job and school. Eg either Bedford or Milton Keynes is pretty convenient. Cheap. Access to good private schools. And it’s 30-45 mins into London.

If the mortgage and bills are all in his name then they are his responsibility.

Start looking at costs of renting a smaller property initially. Do you need a nanny with the children being school aged, or could you get an au pair instead? Put an ad in a magazine such as The Lady asking for a PA/Housekeeper with free accommodation. That may cost you less than a nanny if you don't want to get an au pair. I used to be a childminder and looked after a little boy with quite severe physical and mental disabilities, so it may be worth investigating childminders.

Your youngest child will be fine if taken out of private school.

There are ways to escape, but you sometimes need to think outside the box a bit sometimes.

One shinning light in all of this is that you sound like a competent, capable person, who is obviously able to hold down a high paying job, even if it doesn't make you happy.

It's tiring being with someone controlling, which is probably why this relationship has gone the way it has. It was easier to give in, and leaving was always out of the question for some reason or another.

You really need legal & financial advice, and my God, you need to stop paying your wages into his account ASAP!!!!

Personally, I don't think I'd feel safe around him. He has contempt for you, so be careful. I'd be concerned that if you don't get out of this relationship, you will grind yourself down to being physically unwell.

If your wages get diverted to his account

Do you have full access to use & view this account on a daily basis ?
Is this account solely in his name or a joint account ?

Get your wages paid into your own account
Then pay half of the bills
Start saving
Pay into a work pension

I think you really need to take this in stages. First off you see a lawyer and establish situation

Then state you are separating- get the house on the market.

Do not obsess about buying- you need to stabilise things- mortgages aren't cheap at the moment and prices dropping in many areas so renting for a while is no big deal.

Get the house sale going through and find somewhere good to rent for at least a year- with room for a live in nanny.

Once you have that sorted- get child out of private school and into state.

You can look at all these things again after a year or two but to be honest if you can't buy anywhere suitable to have a live in, then it's better to rent- you have a well paid job and at the moment it's best to keep that stability whilst going through some changes.

In the meantime you can research what's out there in other areas if buying is important - or research what's out there in terms of other jobs that you can maybe do from anywhere and with less hours and has good provision for the disabled child.

It's much easier to be proactive you will find whilst not having to pander to and be around someone you don't want to be with anymore

Don't forget he will have to pay child maintanance too if you have the children with you .

All of these things don't need to be fixed.
If I were you, I'd consider moving away from London to a cheaper area on a potentially lower salary. You wll have to move somewhere that has the type of special school you need, but why London?

I've been where you are where everything feels so tightly fixed and wound up. It isn't as much as you think it is.

I left eventually. It took me around 4 years to prepare- I was only working 10 hours a week when I made my decision to leave so I had to make a few steps towards separation bit by bit. I upped my work hours first of all, then started sorting the house, spoke to a solicitor and a financial advisor, then got house valuations. Just empower yourself with information first of all. Lots of facts and go from there.

We can also get creative with how we do things. I have managed to stay in the family home for now which I never thought would happen in a million years.
Good luck. Small steps.

Move somewhere commutable to London, there's plenty of cheaper places with a short commute, sometimes even shorter than living in London if you get a good rail line etc

The OP has said she's committed to staying in London. It might seem a cold dark place to some but for many of us it's our home and where our friends and support networks are.

You need to get some perspective. Talking about removing a child from private school and living in a smaller house as ‘directly harming the children’ is ridiculous, they are normal life events that many children go through, what harms them is living in a house with an abusive arsehole.

OP, you likely can 'afford' it, you just can't afford the lifestyle. It's not an easy decision - and I understand that as I have my own dilemma. But he sounds awful, and your decision is whether the lifestyle is worth it.

Speak to womens aid. Get a lawyer.
Put it all in a spreadsheet - every so often I update a tab on my finances spreadsheet with a 'what if I was on my own' scenario. My wage only, mortgage payments, school/nursery fees, bills etc. How much am I in the minus? What can be reduced? Do I have to move?
How much is a rental in your area? If you suddenly had to start again could you afford to - ignoring the husband and the huge mortgage you currently have?

The suggestion of interest only mortgage for 6 months is a good one. How much would this reduce your mortgage payment by? What would your husbands response be if you then kept that amount back to create a savings buffer? Are you worried about his reaction?

The first step will be the hardest. But unless you want to spend the rest of your life with him you must take it.

If he's being that unpleasant then maybe he wants out too.

Except that when you read MN, even moving 20 miles away when your dcs are at Uni is ‘harming the now adult children’. Moving away for work far from their friends etc.. is awful parenting.
There was a thread from a woman who wanted to get divorced and move back to where she grew up. She got slatted for not thinking of the children - from them ,losing their friends and all they knew about to the lack of contact with their father.

And then you are telling the OP this is all wrong?
And changing school and losing their friends doesn’t matter?
That moving to another area is no big deal
That the child with SN not getting the therapy they need is no problem

Maybe your mind up!!

Either moving away with children are normal and ok. Or it’s not.

Depends on the situation.

Moving when you have built a life is hard not children voice back quite quickly.

Moving without services for a child that your fought for is not so easy. SEN schools rarely have spaces. Therapies aren’t on tap -

Private schools verses state depends on the catchment areas not all schools are good schools.

Bouncing into one just because it has a space when everyone else got a choice isn’t the same.

Moving away from a helpful co-parent is different that moving away from abuse.

There isn’t one answer.

What OP needs is facts.

She needs to look at the figures and speak to a solicitor about finances and make decisions based on facts.

@VillageOnSmile as with anything in life, intention is important. There is a cost to everything, nothing is all good, or all bad and part of making good decisions is being able to weigh this up.

If moving to a different area so that OP can get a home of her own for her and the children, away from her current husband, who's abusive behaviour is greatlly affecting her and the children then on balance, it's beneficial.

There's usually a bit more nuance to life decisions, it's not always black and white.

@nc42day i agree. There is always plenty of nuances.

But that’s not what the OP is told on this thread.
and that’s not what posters are told in other threads.

It’s all black and white ‘you are awful for doing (or not doing) X and Y’.
No wonder that women like the OP then feel the obstacles are insurmountable.
No wonder they feel they will fuck their child up by leaving.

Blaming or shaming people has never been helpful. It has never helped people move away from crap relationship.
Even less so when the reality is that there IS a cost to the dcs for separating. Even more so when the (hopefully soon to be ex) dh is abusive.
Ignoring it isn’t helpful to the OP.

(but ifc it’s very easy fir the posters berating the OP. They won’t the ones dealing with the consequences….)

He has trapped you in this relationship, via housing and him having financial control. You are experiencing economic, emotional abuse..and your kids are suffering too.
Ring us at womens aid to get advice