Hate my husband but can't afford to separate

[Namechangedforobvious]

Where to begin with this one.

Married 10 years, together 20. 2 kids. He was my first real boyfriend. Fell in love with him because he was funny, the life and soul of the party. We used to go out partying until the early hours of the morning, we'd host great gatherings for our mates, being young was super fun. For various reasons I was also a bit adrift when we got together (after all I was still a teenager) and he offered a lot of stability. We finished uni and he got a great job, encouraged me to do the same so that we'd have money and adventures together. I didn't really want a top paid corporate job, I wanted to do something in the arts but nothing paid well enough for the lifestyle he wanted so I got a job in finance for the money and figured it was OK to trade off my dreams as we'd have other dreams together. So far so good. And we did have a good time together for a long time.

Things started to go wrong around the time we got married. We were also buying a house and the stability he offered started to morph into being very controlling about everything, particularly money. He diverted my salary into his bank account (I KNOW it's stupid but we were getting married anyway and it was easier not to fight) and was always on at me to earn more, pay more as we needed more money for the house and wedding. Then as soon as we were married, he was on to the next thing.

He wanted to start a family (even though we'd agreed for years we didn't want children as there is a serious genetic condition in my family I didn't want to pass on). So we fought about that. And then he wanted a new house, and wanted to renovate, which we did. Except that we'd agreed a budget which he blew (it was very much his project and he didn't want me involved... at this point I was still pretty young, in my 20s, so again I let it slide) so it cost twice what we'd had set aside. Again, more pressure on me to work longer hours and haggle for promotions and bonuses (which I did), more arguments about money, and the first of many remortgages to free up cash.

As soon as house finished we're back onto him wanting a family. I gave in and we had two children. The eldest did inherit the genetic condition which has obviously consumed a huge amount of energy for us both now for years. He blames me for this as obviously the genes come from my side. I adore the kids but having seen various family members and the strain of variously living with this condition and parenting children with the condition, it's hard and wears you down. During this time my career has continued to progress, whilst his has stalled. He's angry and bitter about this. Always making nasty sarcastic comments. He continues to manage all of the money in the house, and we as a family continue to pursue a lifestyle we candidly can't afford with the non-disabled child in private school, best possible therapists for disabled child etc. Our mortgage is even bigger than it was 10 years ago as we've continued remortgaging every few years to free up money for life.

In the meantime, his being funny has rotted with old age into him just being sarcastic and unpleasant. Him being safe has turned into being bullying and domineering. The friends we used to throw parties for have all disappeared. No one wants to be around him any more as he makes obnoxious and offensive comments. I have a lot of friends, but just see them alone. No one wants to be around him and the husbands / partners don't like him. Where I have made friends who initially try and include him he makes excuses and always has an excuse not to want to be friends. He says they're annoying or aren't on our level. My family hate him. If I want to see my parents I have to do so alone, he never comes (he says their house is too shabby and he doesn't like visiting). He won't be in the same room as my siblings (who I adore and am very very close to). If I visit extended family he also won't come as he says he gets left out because they're more interested in talking to me than him.

He has a vile temper and yells and screams at the children. He calls them idiots. He calls me a c*nt in front of them. He's only happy if we're all on our best behaviour and ideally when I proactively think of everything he might like - cook his favourite meals, make sure kids are on best behaviour, house is tidy, and ideally take them out alone on the weekends so he can have a break. Noting that I work longer hours than him as am more senior in my job so I have to do all of this on top of working 50 hours a week so that he can lie around and scroll on his phone. If I ask him to do anything around the house he loses his temper. I never ask him to take the kids to give me a break as I know he gets angry and yells at them.

Where is this all going as a post (to anyone who has read this far). I just feel so trapped.

I work full time and am lucky enough to be very very well paid. But I do not have a penny of savings or anything to show for it.

The house is heavily mortgaged. With the equity in the house we could afford to sell and each my husband and I could afford maybe a tiny flat in our area we live in London. Obviously moving would be really hard for the kids.

Then there's the issue of childcare. My eldest needs specialist care which we've previously done through having live-in nannies (live out waaaay expensive megabucks and with working hours we need someone around all through school holidays etc). And I couldn't afford to get a place which was big enough for me, 2 kids and a nanny. BUT I also couldn't afford a live out nanny with the specialist skills required (as a benchmark c.£35k a year live in... JUST affordable, £60k a year to live out).

We could move out of London to get a bigger place but my job is tied to London, as are some of the specialist facilities my eldest needs (he attends a special school of which there are only a handful in the country of this profile).

I could get a new job with the hours to be able to do childcare myself but I don't know what job would enable me to work 10-3 each day (no after school clubs for disabled child) and have 20 weeks off a year for school holidays and pay even enough to be able to feed us, let alone pay for housing, council tax etc. A million percent nothing in my sector that's for sure.

I feel so stuck.

What am I looking for by writing all of this? I suppose just to get it off my chest. Anyone else got through a similar experience? I want out of this marriage so badly. I don't want my kids exposed to their father's angry domineering behaviour. I want them to have the experience of seeing what a healthy relationship can look like. I want them to see a happy mother. My youngest each day begs us to stop arguing. He draws pictures of his dad with an angry face, and also has adopted his father's awful mood swings, he goes from smiling and happy to hitting me and telling me he hates me.

It's all such a mess.

Ok so you absolutely cannot stay, he will fuck 3 lives up... Taking info from your post:

You can't really afford your mortgage anyway - hence all the remortgaging

You can't really afford to put your child in private school either

So those two things need to change somehow, regardless. You can't on your very very well paid job end up with nothing at the end of month, it's not sustainable - regardless.

Here are three things you can do now:

Speak to the school - they may be able to reduce rates temporarily, and find out the notice needed

Get your paperwork in order so you are on the house deeds etc

Get the house valued

Make an appointment with a solicitor

You do not need to solve all problems at once. But you do need to do SOMETHING.

So sorry you're enmeshed with this man. He is a bully and sounds sociopathic. You absolutely need to get out of this but it's all going to take time and planning.

I would firstly get yourself a female counsellor privately and don't tell him. I hope there's an opportunity for you to pay and access this timewise. Many will give concessions. I speak to my counsellor over the phone. It helps so much and will enable you to figure out exactly how to get out of this.

First thing is you can't have your salary going into his account like this any longer. You don't have to raise suspicions regards true feelings, you can simply say you feel really uncomfortable not having your salary in your own account and just stop it. Don't ask.

I know you don't want to disrupt your kids with the private school for example but there's a point where you HAVE to put you first. This is not selfish it's essential in this horrible situation

"Change what you can change, accept what you cannot change and be wise enough to know the difference between the two" Confucius, 2500 years ago. That would be my advice. You are not the only woman sticking out in a marriage for the sake of the children. I would see a therapist to devise strategies stop him shouting at you. This could be done. I would also direct the money into your account. This will stop your husband taking on as much debt. Then go from there

I am certain that you do want to take back control, as you have taken the step to post here. It is not easy when you have been together for 20 years and abused but you are strong enough to have started asking, so can continue. Looking to the future, you have thw greater earning potential and he will always abuse that. If you separated, you could buy your own flat near the specialist school and still work. You could also continue to build your pension to be comfortable when you are older.

I would start with the legal advice first. It might be better to do everything at once if you are concerned about an escalation of abuse, leaving is the time women are most at risk. Your younger child will do a lot better in a state school away from such a terrible home life than staying somewhere you know he is very unhappy in already. Good luck, there is so much support here if you need it.

Ok so my only advice is nothing changes unless something changes

good luck 🌺

Step 1 - talk to a bank (any bank will do) about your need for a current account - set one up

Step 2 - talk to your payroll dept and change the account your salary goes to to your new account

Step 3 - tell him to put you on the mortgage. If he doesn’t, you will no longer contribute to the household expenses.

Get control of your money. Tell him if he puts you on the mortgage you will pay a fair amount ( you work that out) into his account.

Never pay any credit card bills for him ever again. If he books a holiday and can’t pay his it - tough, his problem.

You made mistakes years ago that got you into this situation ( he can’t have diverted your salary into his account - you must have done that), but you can get yourself out. You have to stand firm and shout him down if he kicks off.

My DH does not decide what I’m doing with my money. That yours thinks he can do so is very wrong. Time to show him that.

As there doesn’t seem to be anything really tying you to London in terms of family/friend support, I think your best bet would be to move out of London altogether. Suddenly then at least some of your problems disappear, if you’d have enough from equity to buy a flat in London then that would easily be enough equity for a 3 bed semi further North (if not more to be honest). You could start applying for jobs in different areas right now, there absolutely are jobs that work for single parents & parents of disabled children. One of the most common being civil service jobs, it’s flexible working, hybrid, you could then even make a formal request to work 10-3 under a part time working arrangement if that’s what you needed. In your new area you can look for nanny if that’s what you need/want, your kids can both go to local schools, there is respite care available and other help.

The bottom line is, your kids are going to be damaged significantly more by growing up in a home with a father who is awful to them and to their mother, than they are from not being privately educated in London.

Thank you, what a kind thing to say.

Reading it back about the investments and stuff sounds so weird. I'm sure people will be asking why I don't just shout at him, or why I stand for it. But truly I'm not a very confrontational person, I want a nice quiet life. And when I do lose my temper with him (maybe 3 times in 20 years?) he goes so ballistic it's just not worth it. So it's easier just to roll over and do what he says every time.

Does your disabled child get PIP? If not, get it claimed. Open a bank account in your name and give your employers the new bank details. You could move out of London and rent a nice little house in a village or small town and look for part time work, commuting in the meantime. Once you are working part time you can claim carers allowance and Universal Credit. Then you’ll have the opportunity to do something in Arts and Crafts, start your own business.
You are making lots of excuses but once you get your salary paid into your own bank account you can easily rent somewhere, I suggested moving out of the area because rent would be less and schools potentially better. Do it for your children, they don’t deserve to be living in this hostile environment.
Your job isn’t worth sacrificing the mental health of you and your children. They will be affected by this their whole lives if you don’t do something about it.

I had to get a loan to get out from under my ex.
Apply for a new bank account. Get a loan.

Get the kid put of private school (private school is not more important than a healthy home life)

Get out the house, a tiny one bed rental, sofa bed for you, kids share a bedroom.
Stop paying your contribution to the house. Force the sale or for him to buy you out.
Kids disability allowance or anything goes to you etc.
Apply for child maintenance.
Less expensive therapies/NHS therapies for disabled kid.

There is nothing in the world going to benefit your kids more than getting them out of this abusive household. No school or therapy will make it worth it. They will either grow into abusers themselves or resent you and blame you for keeping them there.

You can get them out. Will it be easy? Fuck no. I left and fully expected to start from the very beginning on benefits. But my god, is it worth it? Every bloody bit.

I think you should get advice from a domestic abuse service OP. Get it documented, start creating an evidence trail. Because you will need this when you end up in court.

If you're the higher earner he will not be satisfied with 50:50. You're the golden goose and he will do everything he can to squeeze every penny out of you.

You're a brave, capable woman and you can absolutely create a good life for yourself and your children away from this tyrant.

I really feel for you, I was in an abusive relationship for a long time.

I thought I could endure it, grey rock, let him do whatever he liked. The early part of the marriage was better, partly because he was nicer to me and partly because I didn’t see the coercive control.

But I eventually broke and realised that I couldn’t go on letting him diminish and belittle me and destroy the last bit of me that still existed.

You will eventually find you can no longer endure it, and the problems that are insurmountable now will pale beside the need to escape.

It might not be now, or next month or next year, but it will happen.

So I’d suggest you be a lot cleverer than me. Start planning now. Get control over your own money. Try and find out where all the money is. From the sound of him, it’s possible he has his own savings. You say your salary goes on all the bills, but what about his salary? Check through all accounts and bill payments so you can be sure that he isn’t siphoning off money for himself. My ex did.

Speak to a solicitor (you can often get a free consultation). Wikivorce has lots of information.

You are being advised to just leave by other posters, and they are right.

But if you have been in an abusive relationship, you are so mindfucked, you can’t see any escape.

Take on board all the advice offered, womens aid etc, etc, and slowly and bit by bit take control of what you can. Know that you will eventually crack and just leave. So prepare for that day, one day.

Even taking back a tiny bit of control will empower you bit by bit. You won’t feel so stuck in a cage.

Youve done one good thing by coming on mumsnet today, plan one thing more you can do tomorrow. Baby steps will still get you to the finish eventually.

I suspect the husband will object his children being relocated to another part of the country. I also suspect the children will object being separated from friends.

Of course the husband will object. He will also object to not being able spend what he likes and expect his wife to pick up the pieces and not being able to bully her anymore.

Also check your credit report, in case he has opened any credit cards/loans in your name. Credit Karma is free and there are others. Am just thinking of another thread a few months back where the op had debts in her name that she knew nothing about. I think the husband was a gambler so hopefully not the case here, but better to check just in case!

Would you be able to pay the mortgage on your own? If you stop paying his credit cards he might end up with an awful credit rating and you won't be able to apply for joint mortgage. Are you joint tenants or tenants in common? What are the legal implications? I suspect your children are early teenage years. This is when the relentless work of early parenting stops and women suddenly have time to take a breather and think of a bigger picture of their lives. Your children won't be children forever. They will finish school and move on. You started your family young so you will have a lot of time to look for another partner. Verbal abuse could be stopped. I suggest you find a good therapist to work through why you don't like confrontations at home. You must be able to confront at least some of the time at work. Nobody gets to a senior position without being able to argue the merits of their viewpoint. You and your husband are stuck in a communication rut. No need to hate him for this, time to find a good therapist.

So OP is mostly likely looking at a protracted court battle. Is it in OP best interests? It has never been easy to be a woman. OP needs to tread carefully and avoid rush decisions

I agree that you need to go and talk to a solicitor OP - a good one that specialises in divorce - you need the British version of Laura Wasser!

Otherwise, to be blunt, I think you need to change your mindset from 'I want to get out, but I don't see how' to 'I have to get out, I have to figure how to do it and I need to accept that I'll have to make some hard choices'. Your DH is vile piece of shit. He's financially controlling, he's verbally abusive, he's alienated almost all your joint friends, he won't have anything to do with your family, they hate him (understandably), and every single day you and the kids live with him you're being beaten down and abused just a little bit more. You need a plan to get away from him and you can't afford to wait until the kids are grown.

Your NT DC will not necessarily be harmed by moving from a private to a state school. Please seriously consider this. I know what private school costs - this will save you a lot of money and it may well be the difference between you being able to leave your marriage and not. I know it's horrible considering moving a DC from a good school where they are happy and have friends, but there are great state schools too and your priority has to be ending your marriage. I wouldn't move your disabled DC from their specialist provision unless you have no other option.

I take the points on board about your family and their ability to help you, but is there any way your parents can give you an advance on your inheritance? I appreciate that many people are not in a financial position to do this, but some people are and this might help you to pay rent or secure a mortgage in your own name.

First steps, the big financial asset and also drain, is the house. However mortgaged to the hilt you think you are, no mortgage company will go beyond a certain loan to value rate, so there will be some equity in it. Get a valuation so you know what you are dealing with. He could not have remortgaged without your sayso, so you have been foolish to keep doing that just to fund lifestyle, don't let that happen again. If you can't afford your lifestyle the answer always is to change it, not remortgage, it's a bad plan.
Stop letting him make all the decisions, especially ones that make bad economic sense. Get your money paid into your own account.
Talk to a solicitor, they can give you advice on legal aspects of splitting assets. He is that secretive he may well have savings squirrels away from what you have been earning, of which at least half ais yours. You might even need a forensic accountant. You can look into the logistics without telling him. Become a detective.

Agree tread carefully - but start making changes today. Your employer can change where your salary is paid today. Open a bank account in your name. Forget buying 2 x houses for now. You will need to rent for the foreseeable. Sounds like the bank owns it anyway. Get a free initial session with a solicitor. Everyday sooner you start this is a day closer to getting on an even keel. Give notice at school when you can. I know it feels impossible at the moment but it is doable. You will have less space- but the space you have will be peaceful and yours. You will have 18 months ish of shit but then you will rebuild. On your terms.

There's going to have to be compromise if you want to get out of this relationship. Whether that's moving house, taking your child out of private eduation, plus a hundred other less obvious things, they won't be bigger or more significant than the compromise you're making with yours and your childrens life by staying with him.

If you believe that you are stuck, then you're probably right. If you believe that your one short life is not for sacrifice to him and his high bullshit, then take action. Knowledge is power, firstly take back control of your earnings, and seek advice from professional support who work with financial abuse and coercive control.

You are not the first woman to be in this position, seek help.

A real life story - a wife suffered years of financial and verbal abuse. Filed for divorce when the children were aged 14 and 7. The teenage boy completely sided with his father and moved out with father in solidarity. The younger child stayed with mum for a few more years (his dad's decision). Terrible tantrums and my good friend spent huge amount of money on private therapy. The younger boy moved out to stay with his dad and older brother age 12. My friend didn't foresee any of this. It has been terrible 8 years. The older one is at uni, still refuses to speak to his mum. The younger one has sporadic contact. My friend is an amazing mum, always put her children first. Clever professional woman too. It's not the outcome she envisioned when she applied for divorce. Please thread carefully

Talk to a solicitor. You have family and friends ask them for help for the first months, ask your job as well for more flexibility, you never know they may be able to be flexible around your childcare needs. Once you got your freedom plan leave him. Sell the house and leave him.
Start getting your salary in your account.
You and your children deserve much better.

Check with your company if you can move out of London, they may have branches in less expensive areas. You don't need to buy a flat straight away you can rent for a bit and them find something for you and the kids.

I’m sorry to hear of your situation OP.
As others have said, you need to get your salary paid into your own account. Then I think you need to start getting your ducks in a row.
When he isn’t there try and find any paperwork which shows what money he is spending, any savings he might have and pension info so you know the true picture and take copies.
Get legal advice too.

How old are the children? How old are you?

There will be options but need to change some of the current set up. Are you in finance? Do you have qualifications that could enable you to be move to another function that is more 9-5 and well paid..example accountancy.