How would you interpret this text?

[ApplejackMoondancer]

Received this text yesterday morning when I woke up from my DP:

"I've given this much thought over the last few weeks, but this relationship is not for me. I have mentioned this before but I've never felt so unloved or unwanted. We are clearly not compatible emotionally. I spend all my time being angry and that's not fair on either of us."

When I didn't reply, he then tried to video call me, and followed up with another text: "I'm surprised that after that message and also trying to call, you don't even respond. Fine, we can speak when you are ready to."

A bit of background, we live about 2.5 hours apart, and other than about 3 occasions it is ALWAYS me who travels to his, usually staying for several days at a time, including helping mind his kids most times when they are there (though this has been a flashpoint in itself recently as his ex wouldn't/couldn't come home from work to look after one of them who was sick and so I helped out, which I was happy to do - but when I didn't even even get so much as a thank you from him, I mentioned how I'd had to sacrifice my own work for the afternoon - I was simply told "you knew what you were getting yourself into".)

I would agree with him that all has not been rosey lately, but from my side much of this has been due to his volatile moods (often caused by alcohol binges - though he's not had a drink for the last 6 weeks which is something), and complete pigheadedness which have made me feel quite insecure and unsettled so I have been holding back with the emotional side of things. E.g. on a recent shopping trip I apparently "annoyed" him because I didn't feel like shopping for sexy underwear, so he proceeded to sulk, and then when I asked if he fancied going for the lunch we'd planned he would barely speak to me, and then announced "I might just leave" and then carried on with his silent treatment until he realised I wasn't indulging him. Other examples include hanging up on me on the phone if I tried to speak with him about something he didn't feel like talking about.

I've not replied to his texts yet (it's been about 24 hours since he sent them) as I just feel so sad, insulted and disrespected, that he felt that telling me in a text was appropriate and the kindest thing after a year together 😞

Any thoughts on how I should respond?

This 100%

No reply is more powerful

Fargo79 has hit the nail on the head. He's attention seeking rather than ending it. More fool you if you engage with his games.

If you respond at all I would simply say, "I think you are right, we're not compatible. Can we arrange a convenient time for me to collect my things".

I think he will play games about that too so you may have to accept that you have lost whatever belongings you left at his house. If you can go and get your possessions then I would take someone with you.

Alternatively you could agree you need to talk but just go to collect your things and leave, again, take someone with you.

Wow, sounds like you have dodged a bullet there!

Maybe reply, "Doesn't sound like there's anything to talk about? Let me know when I can come and collect my stuff."

Sounds like he wants you to chase him. Lol. Because he's such a catch, expecting you to babysit his kids and make a mother's day card for his ex? You can do so much better, OP.

Weigh up the financial and time cost of collecting your belongings- is it really worth it?

If there are a few specific things ask him to post them and offer him the money once they've arrived.

100 percent. If he actually wanted to end it he wouldn't be trying to video call and stuff after she hasn't responded. He took a risk and it's backfired. I'd reply saying oh I'm so relived as I also don't want to continue this relationship :) and then block his ass. Unless you've left your purse there I wouldn't care about losing some items of clothing tbh

I completely agree with those who say he was hoping you’d call in a panic begging him to reconsider. Otherwise why not just video call in the first place to do it face to face? Why text then call?

"I'm surprised that after that message and also trying to call, you don't even respond. Fine, we can speak when you are ready to."

I’d reply to that with: “What’s to say? You’ve obviously made up your mind, and I think you’re right. Let me know when’s good to collect my stuff.”

Which bit do you need interpreting, @ApplejackMoondancer ? It seems like very clear communication, to me. He's said it like it is. Do you think he should feel loved, given the way you've treated him? Is that the issue?

It wasn’t a real break up, it was an attempt to manipulate you into doing what he wants. But he had actually handed you a way out of this shit relationship on a plate. Take it and run. You may also want to put some thought into why you haven’t broken up with him a long time ago.

He sounds awful and brings very little to your life other hassle and negativity.

He's also manipulative as other poster said. If he's broken up with you over text,there us nothing else to say, discuss etc. He just wants his ego massaged and wants the begging, pleading, crying that he expects.

"There's no need for a call/text - we'll just end up going around in circles again. It's clearly doesn't work and ending it is for the best."

What stuff do you have at his? I would be inclined to just write it off.

He only wants to drag out a drama. If that's what excites you then crack on but if not, hold on to your self respect and dignity. End it and block.

Oh I wouldnt make a fuss.

Seeing that he is prone to giving you the silent treatment and be moody, I’d probably answer something along the lines of ‘You are right. This isn’t working. I’m going to be down <insert his town> on next Saturday. Shall I collect my stuff then?’

I agree that he wasn’t ending it but manipulating you into being more ‘loving and caring’ whatever that means to him Probably looking after his kids for him

Then block.

If he is getting difficult re your stuff at his house, then ask yourself if it’s worth dealing with the manipulation.

Agree. awful awful man. he's now gaslighting you into believing you're the problem. He's said the relationship isn't right for him, what does he want you to respond for? clearly just wants you to grovel and beat yourself into the ground for him, his dc and ex wife even more than you have been doing. Dump him, and don't get involved in looking after someone else's dc so early on. And as for 'you knew what you were getting into', has he been reading MN ? that's the standard response to stepmothers on here, not that you are one.

'Totally agree. Time we both moved on. Can you bag all my stuff and leave it outside the front door and I will swing by and collect it'.

He has unreasonable expectations,
explicitly told you that this relationship is “not for him” and that you’re emotionally incompatible. If I genuinely believed this I would want to break up.

He apparently does not.
He expected you to call, respond to his message (threat?) and wants to talk about this.

Why?
Doe he think you’ll change because of his message? That you’ll somehow “fix” what makes you fundamentally incompatible in his opinion??

I have recently learned about a horrible relationship “technique” called dread gaming, which is apparently commonly touted by pick-up artists, red pillers etc.

Partner A (intentionally) behaves in a manner that makes partner B thinks that A is about to break up. That could be subtle (being cold, uninterested etc.) or completely overt (“this relationship is not for me”).

A does this with the intention of influencing B’d behaviour to conform to their “preferences”. Buy sexy underwear, make cards for their ex-wife etc.
It’s manipulative and controlling.

Does this sound in any way familiar to you?

This. 100% agree.

he doesn’t want to breakup. He wants OP to change because she’s supposed to be afraid he might…

Thanks all for the kind and wise words. I went for a walk to collect my thoughts, then replied to him, along the lines of "Not sure what response you're hoping for, having ended things via a text message. I agree with that this relationship has come to an end. If you could please send my belongings, and I'll do the same with anything of yours that I find, thank you."

He replied right away saying that what he said in his text came out wrong and that's why he was calling, that he is heartbroken and will send my things. Then another message saying "I'm really sorry for hurting you".

Your message was perfect op. Well done. He's no good. Don't let him come crawling back.

Because I am petty, I would reply.

"No need to be sorry, it was coming to a natural end anyway".

Well done OP - stick to your guns and don’t let him worm his way back in

He replied right away saying that what he said in his text came out wrong and that's why he was calling, that he is heartbroken and will send my things. Then another message saying "I'm really sorry for hurting you".

Don’t get drawn in by this backtracking. Stay strong and remember you deserve better.

Hopefully he will send your belongings, or he might give excuses why he hasn't enabling more communication (as he clearly wants). If he doesn't send, don't chase him, this will be part of his game.

This guy is a mess.

Don’t reply. Don’t engage. Just block. It’s not worth a second more of your time and energy, honestly. He’s a black hole.

I hope you get your stuff back @ApplejackMoondancer
And I do truly believe you'll be happier once this man is out of your life.

Perfect, OP. Dignified and businesslike. Well done.

Yep.
Hes playing mind games...thinking he could finish it and youd run back to him therefore he holds all the cards...because you didn't reply asap hes panicking. Id reply....just say 'i agree...look after yourself ' then block him..hes no good for you