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Original poster

Am I being a brat

92 replies

Justamomof1 · 07/03/2024 19:51

hi mumsnet
my partner of 4 years (fiancé) and I live in different towns, he has children from a previous relationship 3 to be exact. They are quite young 5-6-10. I don’t see my finance offen as I work but he doesn’t. I have only met the kids 2x. I’m not really invited into their family events including his sisters wedding that I wasn’t invited to.. was unsure why as he has never introduced me to any of his family. It’s my birthday at the end of the month and it’s also his weekend to have the children. Am I wrong for feeling like I don’t matter, he said there’s nothing he can do ‘what do I expect him to drop his kids’
so it looks like I’m spending it alone at home. It was a similar thing when I found out I lost my baby he was with the kids. How can I make this relationship work when I’m constantly put on the back seat and it’s frustrating because he doesn’t even acknowledge that this is affecting me. Am I a brat for wanting to see my fiancé on my birthday

OP posts:
Scaffoldingisugly · 07/03/2024 19:53

Sadly he's just not that into you....
And haven't you posted about him before and I suggested he was back with his ex.....?

PaintedEgg · 07/03/2024 19:58

you feel like you don't matter because to him you don't...and am I correct in assuming you pay for stuff?

Baileysandcream · 07/03/2024 20:00

You've been together 4 years, are engaged and you've never met any of his family??

It's not like your birthday is unexpected, he's had loads of time to rearrange his weekend as a one off to be able to spend it with you.

It doesn't sound like you have the same values and expectations. You can't make it work if you're the only one trying to make it work - he has to want to as well and it doesn't sound like he's that invested, if he's not acknowledging that it bothers you and trying to find a compromise.

Original poster
Justamomof1 · 07/03/2024 20:07

when I try to talk to him he goes MAD and then I usually end up blocked for 2-3 days. Now I know in order to keep the peace I don’t bring up anything that will trigger him. He has adhd (and don’t we know it) but it does deeply sadden me that I’m to afraid to talk to him about what bothers me. Usually I just bottle it all up then come on here to talk to strangers as I generally have no one to talk to. I’m currently blocked since last night because I triggered him by asking if he was going to see me on my birthday

OP posts:
Namechangeforthis88 · 07/03/2024 20:10

Really what's in it for you with this guy?

Just cut your losses. It's no good now and it's only going to get worse.

AllTheWatersTurnedToClouds · 07/03/2024 20:10

Jesus, don't marry him. He's trained you to 'behave' and behaviour like that just gets worse

Scaffoldingisugly · 07/03/2024 20:10

Ltb or this is your life. Only you can change it.

Dacadactyl · 07/03/2024 20:12

Can I suggest that you work on your self esteem?

A man with 3 children already and no job is not a good catch by any stretch of the imagination.

Muthaofcats · 07/03/2024 20:12

Yes you do seem a bit bratty. He’s a father; isn’t that a good thing he’s prioritising the time with them? If you think he should put you first ahead of their needs then I don’t think you’re ready to marry him and become a step mum.

Hatty65 · 07/03/2024 20:13

I'd dump him. You've no kids, he doesn't work and he's a bit of an arsehole.

I just can't see what attracts you to him. Find someone better.

mondaytosunday · 07/03/2024 20:14

Until your further post I was going to ask why can't you spend your birthday with his kids too, if you are engaged presumably you will eventually be living together.
But after what you've said I'd give this guy the boot - you should never be afraid to talk to someone you are in a relationship with.

Zola1 · 07/03/2024 20:15

I think he's married. I don't think he's separated at all.

MinervatheGreat · 07/03/2024 20:16

Don’t get any deeper involved with him!
Don’t bear a child with him. Just don’t.
Plan something nice for your birthday and raise 2 fingers to him.
I can guarantee, he will always treat you like this. You have been warned. He is showing you your future. Good luck with that.

Natty13 · 07/03/2024 20:19

Justamomof1 · 07/03/2024 20:07

when I try to talk to him he goes MAD and then I usually end up blocked for 2-3 days. Now I know in order to keep the peace I don’t bring up anything that will trigger him. He has adhd (and don’t we know it) but it does deeply sadden me that I’m to afraid to talk to him about what bothers me. Usually I just bottle it all up then come on here to talk to strangers as I generally have no one to talk to. I’m currently blocked since last night because I triggered him by asking if he was going to see me on my birthday

Do you honestly think couples who have had long abd happy marriages start their stories with "I had to constantly walk on eggshells around him and he would block me for days on end as a means to control my behaviour"?

When are you going to neet his family? At your wedding day?

This is all so foolish I struggle to believe it could be real. If it is, I'm sorry it must be miserable but you really need to raise your standards.

Original poster
Justamomof1 · 07/03/2024 20:26

Natty13 · 07/03/2024 20:19

Do you honestly think couples who have had long abd happy marriages start their stories with "I had to constantly walk on eggshells around him and he would block me for days on end as a means to control my behaviour"?

When are you going to neet his family? At your wedding day?

This is all so foolish I struggle to believe it could be real. If it is, I'm sorry it must be miserable but you really need to raise your standards.

Show quote history

As I read it, it must seem unbelievable but it’s all true. It just seems the more time passes the more I become blind and tolient. Iv lost all my self esteem, he doesn’t even tell me I look pretty any more when he sees me which is like 1x every 3 weeks or so. I become so custom to this behaviour it’s normal now.

OP posts:
Namechangeforthis88 · 07/03/2024 20:30

I'm with@Zola1 , can you be 100% certain he has left his last relationship? Are you saying he only sees you once every 3 weeks? And you have not met any of his family? How much time have you spent in his home?

Nonewclothes2024 · 07/03/2024 20:30

@Justamomof1 you're actually engaged ?
Have you set a wedding date ?
This is not a relationship, sorry.

Original poster
Justamomof1 · 07/03/2024 20:35

Namechangeforthis88 · 07/03/2024 20:10

Really what's in it for you with this guy?

Just cut your losses. It's no good now and it's only going to get worse.

Absolutely nothing, I just got used to the morning text messages and that’s all I can really say makes me smile in this relationship. He doesn’t work he has shit loads of baggage, a baby mum, doesn’t drive.. and you best believe he thinks he is the prize.
Before I met him I used to have a huge following on instagram over 500k followers due to my model photos and love for nature, I deleted my account and I haven’t had any social media since a few weeks into our relationship. Now I don’t really have anyone to talk to any more and he has put himself on a pedestal and I’m the one kissing his feet. I was fooled when we got together, I thought he worked and didn’t have kids (as baby mum stopped him seeing them). Going from a woman who could have the pick of the bunch to someone who gets blocked for days to trying to express my feelings doesn’t happen over night. It’s takes years where my identity has been stripped away and now I’m so run down I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justamomof1 · 07/03/2024 20:37

No wedding date, Infact it hasn’t even been discussed. It is one big joke and I feel so ashamed that I have allowed myself to be used

OP posts:
Toddlerteaplease · 07/03/2024 20:38

Do not marry him. He doesn't care about you. And you already walk on eggshells. What does he actually bring to the relationship?

savethatkitty · 07/03/2024 20:39

Seriously you need to think long & hard about this relationship. It will not turn out the way you want, ever. Please don't have a child with this man. He's showing you where you stand. Believe him. This won't change even if you have a baby, you'll end up a single parent because the first family will always come before you. Run now, while you can.

Penguinsmum · 07/03/2024 20:41

Sorry but he seems a wrong'un. Don't you think you deserve better?

hollyandivyknickers · 07/03/2024 20:41

Why don’t you start up your social media again?

you see him once a week and your life is on hold for him……

you are wasting your life. Please leave him, it would be better to be single

Bestyearever2024 · 07/03/2024 20:41

Justamomof1 · 07/03/2024 20:37

No wedding date, Infact it hasn’t even been discussed. It is one big joke and I feel so ashamed that I have allowed myself to be used

End it

Get rid of this total waste of space

Learn to love you and respect yourself enough , so that you don't let anyone treat you so badly

rio2 · 07/03/2024 20:41

He treats u this way be bcuz u allow it and u allow it bcuz he has crushed ur self esteem! Ur worth more than how he is treating you ! Its hard but one day u will have enuff and leave u do the blocking and yh maybe tough for a while but put all the love and devotion u give to him to YOURSELF put u on the pedestal!