Am I being a brat

[Justamomof1]

hi mumsnet
my partner of 4 years (fiancé) and I live in different towns, he has children from a previous relationship 3 to be exact. They are quite young 5-6-10. I don’t see my finance offen as I work but he doesn’t. I have only met the kids 2x. I’m not really invited into their family events including his sisters wedding that I wasn’t invited to.. was unsure why as he has never introduced me to any of his family. It’s my birthday at the end of the month and it’s also his weekend to have the children. Am I wrong for feeling like I don’t matter, he said there’s nothing he can do ‘what do I expect him to drop his kids’
so it looks like I’m spending it alone at home. It was a similar thing when I found out I lost my baby he was with the kids. How can I make this relationship work when I’m constantly put on the back seat and it’s frustrating because he doesn’t even acknowledge that this is affecting me. Am I a brat for wanting to see my fiancé on my birthday

What's his reason for not working, is he signed off long term ill? If not he should be working to support his DC, I'd have no respect for a lazy man. It's good he doesn't live with you, he's easier to get rid of.

He's just not that into you and he will drop you when something better comes along

You need to get out of this relationship and work on your confidence.

You're worth so much more than this waste of space who's no prize.

I'm sorry you lost your baby, hardest experience ever and he showed you it meant nothing to him.

Keep posting here and we'll be your support 🩷

This is a sad read. I don’t think you’re the only one he’s doing this to either.

He gave you the impression that he worked and didn’t have kids when neither is true? He has kids and doesn’t work? He gives you the silent treatment when you don’t toe the line including the day after you had a miscarriage?

Leave him today and don’t look back.

Is this the guy would also wouldn't come with you to your sister's funeral? He is a waste of space. You don't live together, no ties = dump him. Move on. I promise your life will only get better without him in it.

OP there’s another thread on here called Am in Utter Shock.
The OP there has spent 12 years waiting for a man (with a wife and kids) to move in with her in a house they apparently bought together behind his wife’s back. She’s just found out he left his wife a year or more ago. But to move in with one of his other girlfriends. His gf got hold of his phone found her texts and told the OP. The bloke has thrown the OP under the bus to try and keep his gf. The OP wanted more kids (she already has one DC to previous partner) and waited too long and now that chance has gone.

You waited 4 years. Don’t waste one more second.

a light just pinged in my head when you mentioned about him waiting for his ex, would it sound crazy if I told you that I have had dreams about this. Call it my intuition or paranoia, I asked to see the messages between him and his ex and he deleted the messages. Obviously this sent me into thinking mode overdrive. Why delete the messages if there’s nothing to hide. What I do know is that she had a baby with her current partner about a year ago and it gave me hope that maybe it would put him off going back to her. Iv always felt below her as she has a family with him and I don’t. She seeys him more than I do, I only saw him four times during my pregnancy which sadly ended at 18 weeks but I got a vibe that he wasn’t interested. I bleed during my early weeks of pregnancy and I called him to tell him and he said ‘what you expect me to do fly to the hospital’
He hasn’t spoken to me in two days. I lost the baby a month ago, two days before my sister died, and I have seen him once in this time. I pick him up and drop him home yet he claims he moved heaven and earth for me. I really hope I haven’t wasted 4 years of my life on a person who was using me as a distraction whilst theirs ex was taken. That’s utterly devastating and I don’t know if I could ever master the courage to ever trust another man again.

But you absolutely can find the strength to get rid of him once and for all. See your mh improve and you can grieve properly for your dc...

I know you are grieving but please wake up. This man is treating you like you are something he has trodden in. Just block him, forget him and get on with your life. You mean nothing to him, his contemptuous treatment of him shows that.

I’m so so sorry for your losses.
He’s displayed a spectacular lack of care towards you OP. I think if his ex would take him back he’d jump. Leave them to their games.

The 4 years is not wasted. You have learned a lot about what you should never accept again.

But it is time to cut your losses now with this one. I hate to be horrible but he will never love you. You absolutely deserve a man who cherishes you and would have been equally devastated at the loss of your baby. You’ve been through two of the worst losses I can imagine. He wasn’t there. He has failed every test for a good life partner for you.

Get him in the bin. He’ll be expecting it. He’ll be wondering how you’ve been hanging around putting up with this piss poor treatment for so long.

Seek out all the people who love you and fill your time with plans to see them all.
💐

You posted only recently about this man.

Make this birthday the day that you put an end to this relationship.

You see your 'fiance' for one day every three weeks? And in four years the relationship hasn't developed in any way, in fact he treats you more badly as time passes. Has he met your family?

Make this birthday a happy one by cutting yourself free.

It’s so gut wrenching that I have allowed someone to do this to me, I’m in alot of pain right now and rather than him be a partner and be there for me he has blocked me yet again. He won’t be attending my sisters funeral as he has to go with ex to look at a new school for one of his kids.
he has met two of my brothers and my mum, only because they popped round my house unexpectedly when he was down, this was over a year ago. My mum just said ‘heys quite isn’t he’ he said hello then went and made a cigarette and sat in the garden.
To further add insult to injury there was a row last year where I was blocked for 4 days because my friend stumbled across a dating profile of his, it had recently been active because the dumb ass lest his active status on but he thought he would try and be clever by changing his age by 2 years younger to make it seem that he hadn’t been online. To this day I still haven’t had the truth and he still Denys. I should have left his dumb add back then. I felt humiliated when my friend sent me the screenshot and I remember my heart started racing very quickly. I could barely stand. I rang him screaming and crying and he blocked me for 4 days then he came back 4days later and tryed not to even approach the subject.
I met a fabulous guy last year who worked and didn’t have children and seemed emotionally intelligent, he declared feelings for me and I blocked him as a stumble of respect to this dick head. Now I have to live with the consequences and regret, I just can’t begin to express how emotionally damaged I am. He never once ever had to worry about me cheating or going behind his back, and he sat comfortably on that pedestal, occasionally throwing crumbs. Now I wish him to hurt.. I have chosen to walk away, my fragile self is wanting him to suffer, is silence really the most powerful weapon? And I wonder if men who treat genuine women who had pure intentions, do they ever come to realise that they fucked it up? In a ideal world I wish he would meet his demon in a woman and she treats him just as disgusting as he has treated me.

Aren't relationships supposed to make your life better? Otherwise, what's the point?

I think you’ve fallen into the habit of being with him and forgotten what a healthy partnership is like. But actually , you aren’t with him in any meaningful way, are you? I’d be ending this non-relationship pdq.

Stop trying to work out why he treats you badly and look at why you are willing to accept it. He has no intention of marrying you, it's barely dating never mind a relationship.

Was there even a proposal? Do you wear a ring?

Please stop obsessing over this prick and get some therapy to help yourself, he won't ever become a good partner and you are wasting your life waiting for him to want to try. He doesn't.

Good men who see a future with you want to meet you family and be accepted by them. He walked out for a cigarette because he has no interest in being part of your life beyond having sex with you and maybe making his ex jealous. Sorry to be blunt.

OP if you get the strength to block that fucker for good we’ll be cheering you on. Absolutely no contact. It’s the best thing for your recovery and mental health. You take the power back when you do this. They absolutely hate it. Drives them nuts. Imagine how brilliant it will be if when he unblocks you, he finds himself blocked. Permanently. The little turd.

But they almost always try to reel you back in. Not because they realise the error of their ways. But to prove to you and themselves that they could have you back.

Put a higher price on yourself OP. You can meet another good man in time like the one last year. Maybe he’s still single? Maybe he wasn’t right for you anyway which is why you didn’t chose him. There are good times ahead.

Agree with PP. Could you look into some grief counselling / therapy to help you through this difficult time?
💐

Op,, you won't hurt this asshole. I'm sorry to be harsh, but he'd have to care first and he is the sort of narcissist that is not capable of that.
Hia world is about control. It's time for your to take this back. That is the best way you can hurt him.

As pp said, the last four years haven't been a total waste. There would have initially been good times and since then you have been taught so much, although it's too soon to see it.
Don't waste another minute on him.

Someone mentioned the Freedom Program. Might be worth looking it up