Am I being a brat

[Justamomof1]

hi mumsnet
my partner of 4 years (fiancé) and I live in different towns, he has children from a previous relationship 3 to be exact. They are quite young 5-6-10. I don’t see my finance offen as I work but he doesn’t. I have only met the kids 2x. I’m not really invited into their family events including his sisters wedding that I wasn’t invited to.. was unsure why as he has never introduced me to any of his family. It’s my birthday at the end of the month and it’s also his weekend to have the children. Am I wrong for feeling like I don’t matter, he said there’s nothing he can do ‘what do I expect him to drop his kids’
so it looks like I’m spending it alone at home. It was a similar thing when I found out I lost my baby he was with the kids. How can I make this relationship work when I’m constantly put on the back seat and it’s frustrating because he doesn’t even acknowledge that this is affecting me. Am I a brat for wanting to see my fiancé on my birthday

Stonewalling you days is an abuse tactic.

Please walk away. I didn't from an ex who treated me like that and look at my username.

Also are you sure he's even broken up with his children's mum?

Don't be ashamed - you're waking up and realising now. If you're still with him in five years you should be ashamed though xx

Pps I'm so sorry you lost your baby
The way he treated you during your miscarriage is how he will treat you if you have a child with him

Please run away while you can. If you miss a horrible man like him it's very easy to find another horrible man! But you won't miss this x

This is your second thread today about this cunt muffin. Please dump him. It's not even a relationship and I'd bet he's actually still with the ex. Best birthday present for you is one of freedom from this funt.

Please walk away. This has so many red flags! The blocking is punishment. It is not OK to punish someone to seek to control them. There are so many other things too, but just ditch him.

Block him back. And never ever unblock him. Walk away. Go and stay with a friend or family to make you stronger and get through it. Please do not waste any more of your life on this loser.

This is not a healthy relationship. He obviously doesn't care about you - after 4 years together he is still keeping you on the periphery of his life. If you are engaged I would expect you to be included in his family gatherings and to have got to know his children. Blocking you and going mad at you is not normal in an adult relationship. Please leave him, you can do SO much better than this!

I don't know when I've ever wanted to shout LTB more loudly. This guy has worn you down into thinking you couldn't do better than him, when five seconds clear thinking should tell you that you couldn't really do much worse. A bloke who doesn't work (what does he think you should live on? I bet he's intending for you to keep working to bring him in plenty of money) and whose ex 'stopped him seeing the kids' (yeah, right).

He's a dick, OP. A dreadful specimen of humanity. You can do better, you know you can.

When I try to talk to him he goes MAD and then I usually end up blocked for 2-3 days

That's terribly unfair and controlling.

Has he got any good points?

How is it you have become so gullible? He is not your fiancé- do you even have a ring? You are certainly not even a partner - you don't live with him. You probably aren't even a GF, at best you've been a bootie call/ bit on the side.
You've not met his family because they don't know about you.
Doubtless he's told you that you are this and that and a whole lot of other BS, but it's just that, utter bull. Get it into your head that some men lie, and he has lots. Words mean nothing without evidence.

How does he support his children if he hasn't got a job, this Prince among men?

Why are you tolerating this? Do yourself a favour and get rid, then learn about what a healthy relationship should look like. There's nothing wrong with being single whilst you get your boundaries and priorities sorted, it's time to put yourself first.

I’m so sorry you lost your baby. 18 weeks is a terribly sad loss. It’s dreadful that he wasn’t there to support you. As a life partner/fiancé, he is absolutely unwilling and unsuitable to commit to a relationship with you. Please judge him by his actions and withdraw your affections. If he were loving and committed, and you were on board, you might make an allowance for his weekend ‘on’ but he is neither of these things. Mind yourself. You deserve better. If you’re not ready to break up, at least ensure your birth control is watertight. 💐

Never mind he has adhd, that has nothing to do with his personality.

Personality is separate and he is a massive prick. Do yourself the biggest favour, give yourself the biggest birthday present ever and dump this piece of shit.

He's awful and brings nothing to your life. Why are you engaged to someone like this?

Start again and life your life for you and you only. You deserve better than this.

Signed someone with adhd who is not a massive prick. 😉

What do you hope to achieve by posting another thread about this selfish wanker?

Come on, read what you have written. You hardly ever see him. He absolutely never prioritises you. He's got young children and obviously puts them first but you are not even in the same league as them. I bet actually he is a really shit dad anyway. I bet he has those children and his ex walking on eggshells.

To top it all off he doesn't even have a job. I bet you pay for everything don't you?

What has happened to you in your life to make you think this is the sort of person you deserve?

It is so obvious to us that you should dump him from a great height. Keep posting about him because when you read it back it should go in that you deserve so much better than this.

You deserve better. This man doesn't respect or value you. You deserve to be respected and valued.

Stop, pause this relationship and work on developing your self worth.

This OP.
We are giving you the same advice.
He doesn’t care about you.
He doesn’t want you to meet his family as they all want him back with his ex.
While he waits for his ex he can get sex with you. On his terms.

LTB. You deserve more than the crumbs he sends your way. Find someone who cares about you and give yourself the chance of happiness. You won’t find it with this one. He’ll never prioritise you.

@Justamomof1 I've just caught up with this and just want to say I'm so sorry for your loss, that must have been so painful and made more difficult when the person you needed the most at that time wasn't there. Read the replies you've sent to people, what you've described... if you were talking to a friend telling you all of these things, what would you tell them to do? I'm really sorry if I upset you by saying this, but this man is a leech and a loser. Also sorry but using ADHD as an excuse for poor behaviour is unacceptable. I have ADHD and my OH does also. It isn't a ticket to be a dickhead. LTB. You deserve so much better

I wasted 4 years on someone ....wouldnt even see me when ì lost my father suddenly, after 4 years of me making all the effort i had an epiphany moment and dumped him...never looked back. You need to do the same

The kids naturally take priority. Can you celebrate your birthday the following weekend instead? Can you invite his family round to yours for a meal? It may just be that he’s crap at organising. If it doesn’t go anywhere I would start to doubt there’s a future togethrr

No, you’re not being a “brat.”
this is how marriage to him will look. Decide now if that’s ok with you.
you GET TO have needs. You get to want a life that looks different than this, and no one can tell you otherwise.

I had a boyfriend once who was SO stingy, he never took me on a date. He would just stay at my house and eat all my groceries. I finally asked him to take me out once in a while. His response was “you just want to be treated like a Princess.”

I had had enough. I said “you know what? You’re right. I do. I am done. Goodbye.” And broke up with him on the spot.

just agree with any bullshit he throws at you. You’re a “brat?” Sure. “Yes. I’m such a brat for wanting to celebrate my birthday.”

to hell with him.

this is your life, OP. Don’t waste it waiting around for some guy.

The fact he "left" his three children, one of which was only around 1years old would have been a deal breaker/giant red flag in the first place.
Nevermind all the glaringly obvious signs that he's never left.
Move on.

What is stopping you from dumping this non-relationship?

god, if someone blocked me, he’d find himself blocked in return so quickly!
your life is too precious to be wasted on this complete ass.