‘D’P gave me an sti

[Absolutelyfuming]

Names changed for this but just that ‘D’P lied about a lesion being a cold sore and passed it on to me but rather than having it orally I now have it genitally.

Ive had antibody tests so this was confirmed as a primary outbreak without question.

He claims he didn’t know it could be passed on this way.

The physical pain is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

It’s a weird one but I am 46 and married 14 years and 2 years ago I got an outbreak of genital herpes from nowhere. Then gave it to my husband before I realised what it was. Neither of us had been with anyone else 100 percent as it was in lockdown. These things can lie dormant for years and people are sometimes under educated. A simple course of meds will resolve it. Paracetamol helps. Try not to be too harsh on him (unless you think he’s got it from cheating) most of the population carry it. Hope your doctor also reassured you the same. Try and chill out

Definitely from him as he’s the only person I’ve been with since I had blood tests for it during pregnancy and he’s had cold sores on his mouth since before we met and my tests confirmed it was the oral type.

It’s really messed with my head and how I feel about myself. I also feel like ‘something has changed down there’.

The pain is making life unbearable to be honest so I’m angry upset and don’t know how to process it.

The meds aren’t helping either and I’m run down from the stress of it all. This is the second major outbreak now and I thought I had moved on from the anger but this has triggered the anger at his lying.

I’m so sorry you’re finding it hard. It sounds awful. I forget how painful it it. Sending sympathy

Don’t panic . The first OB is a horror show . The pain is insane. But you learn to manage them and it’s not always this bad . I know you are probably freaked but many people live with it with minimal drama . Look after yourself and try not to dr google it . As online are all the horrible stories rather than the millions who live with it x

Sorry OP, but I don't understand how he's lied here. Aren't cold sores and lesions just different names for the same thing?

I agree, I’m not sure he can be accused of lying. Not much comfort to you right now but the herpes virus can be passed on from a first ‘tingle’ which can easily be missed or a minor ‘lesion’ dismissed as something other than a cold sore. It’s very difficult to know what is a herpes lesion vs an ordinary abrasion, especially if someone has been a virus carrier for years and years and outbreaks have become barely noticeable (which is usually the case over time). Surely at worst it’s poor judgement on his part resulting in an inadvertent infection which I’m sure he feels awful about.

I may be a bit ignorant with regards to how it all goes with cold sores, but personally if I met someone with reoccurring sores, I'd assume it's likely contagious anyhow. It's all part of the herpes family too I thought

Thanks everyone.

I asked him if he got cold sores and he said no. I now have it because he lied as I would never have agreed to oral sex during his outbreak. It looked like a burn more than a blister so I believed him that is was just an irritation.

I then found an old tube of Zovirax and by that time I had started to get really sick so confronted him and went for testing as I started to get symptoms - it was a little while ago but I can’t believe he lied - he tried to downplay it too, and told me most people have it and it probably was t from him. it was confirmed from pregnancy any body tests and the GP who did the tests this was a primary outbreak.

OP get yourself a decent stock of the antivirals
they reduce it and can stave off when you feel so bad . either GP or GUM clinic
and lots of self care , I know you feel crap but there are meds and it’s always bad to start with

Thank you I just feel so horrible about my sexuality and less of a woman because of this I feel like he’s taken something away from me

That’s totally understandable
I’m not in anyway minimising how shitty you feel right now , but do keep the faith . Herpes has a really unkind stigma to it which doesn’t help x
honestly I forget I have it most of the time

I'd 100% leave someone over this. They lying, downplaying, gaslighting. I'd be disgusted with him. He KNEW he had a coldsore, he CHOSE to give you herpes.

He said at the time I could have got it from anywhere. I said to him there is absolutely no way and his response was I would prefer if it was from me rather than anyone else. I felt it was a really messed up thing to say, like his virus was better. That sounds really odd writing it.

I have to say I agree with @Saymyname28.

What he did was despicable and I would find it impossible to forgive.

Not sure i could forgive the lying tbh.

I feel trapped with him now and as I said this hasn’t just happened. It’s changed my entire life, I can’t go out and feel normal around other people as I have this thing lurking.

I know this isn’t exactly a normal way think about it but that’s how I feel.

Like what is the point of trying to think about a relationship with anyone else as there is such a stigma attached to it so why put myself through that.

I can’t believe I have just buried it but he can be extremely manipulative so I sort of just give up.

How the hell did I end up here I ask myself as my ex was a pathological liar so I should be tougher

So he had an active cold sore, then went down on you, and you now have oral herpes in the genital area?

Has he admitted that he knew at the time it was a cold sore and lied about it? Or could he have been genuinely unsure?

@CaraMiaMonCher he knew! Claimed he was embarrassed

And I asked him is it a cold sore as it looked a bit odd but nothing like cold sores I’ve seen friends get or I would have let him anywhere near me.

Information about cold sores is easy to find on the net - I found this from the NHS, so I find it hard to believe your ‘d’h didn’t know how contagious they are, nor that he should refrain from kissing or having oral sex when he has an outbreak, @Absolutelyfuming.

I am so sorry he has done this to you - at best it is negligent of him.

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius 😞 I can’t believe how naive I was to believe him I feel so stupid as I’ve always been paranoid about sti and health in general

The lying part is really, really shit. It’s very unfortunate that it’s given you an outbreak in the area that it has.

I’ve recently been visiting the GUM clinic for recurrent thrush, initially to make sure that it was definitely thrush, but they do manage recurrent thrush cases in my local area anyway. As a box-ticking exercise my DP went to get tested and the GUM Dr pointed out that a little wrinkled patch of skin on his penis was actually a genital wart, and he had to have it frozen off. He says it’s been there as long as he can remember, at least since the relationship with his ex (17 years duration with no other sexual partners in that time). I went with him to the next freezing appointment, and asked the nurse about what we needed to do about sex, etc - and she said “well if you’ve been having unprotected sex with each other for a year anyway you’ve probably already been exposed”. So at the time I kind of just took it on my stride but it does play on my mind a little.

The cluelessness of men, and the complete lack of care or curiosity.

Please don’t beat yourself up, @Absolutelyfuming. {{{hugs}}}

I don’t think there’s a stigma to it, literally half the population have it dormant