‘D’P gave me an sti

[Absolutelyfuming]

Names changed for this but just that ‘D’P lied about a lesion being a cold sore and passed it on to me but rather than having it orally I now have it genitally.

Ive had antibody tests so this was confirmed as a primary outbreak without question.

He claims he didn’t know it could be passed on this way.

The physical pain is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

Thank you everyone for sharing such intimate stories, I feel like he is unsafe for doing this and part of me hates him sometimes. I have issues from my ex which is deep rooted as he cheated so waiting for therapy but this is just about my breaking point this week.

Not coping with it at all

This was absolutely shitty of him and I'm not surprised you're angry. Just to say I have herpes type one on the genitals and it's never prevented me from dating and I am on my second marriage. Have had it since my early 20s. It's not a life sentence. But you're absolutely right to be furious with him!!

@MiltonNorthern how did people respond to you telling them because I feel like I have no sexuality at this point because of this. It’s a weird headspace to be in a get that and sounds a bit over the top to say but I can’t get past the fact I feel like that part of my life is gone.

I know I’m not just a vagina of course but that doesn’t help the way I am feeling

I think I'd leave someone over that.

He decided what your sexual boundaries and safety should be for you, rather than letting you decide, and shock horror, actually him going without sex for a while. Now you've sustained a sexual injury as a result of his selfishness, ruthlessness, and ignorance.

I don’t think there’s a stigma to it, literally half the population have it dormant

He it's herpes definitely does have a stigma attached. Having said that, we have good ways to manage it, so there's no reason why it should be a big deal - although I 100% would be pissed if I was infected this way.

Our bodies do weird things. Sex can change things in your body sometimes. It's unfortunate, but the biggest issue is usually psychological rather than the physical thing itself.

Again, not to sound like I'm minimising, because what he did was beyond shitty and bordering on lack of consent (if not crossing that boundary).

But op, don't feel bad about your body. Symptoms and outbreaks can be managed.

OP it's actually very common, but people don't openly talk about it. I have it, and it's not affected my relationship. I was given it by ex who cheated, and I felt the same as you when I was diagnosed about 10 years ago. I felt humilated, disgusting, ashamed, angry etc and it took me a while to come to terms with things. I also thought nobody would want to be with me because of the stigma.

When i was ready to date again, I was just honest and upfront with partner when I started dating him ( now married) it was a hard conversation to have from my point of view, but my partner respected my honest and was fine about it and he just used contraception.

Also, the first outbreaks are horrific and I know the pain, so I sympathise. I had to take time of work and had to just keep sitting in the bath to pee as I was in agony. I don't get lesions anymore, the outbreaks get less serious over time .I do get mild outbreaks from time to time, its hard to explain but I get something called a prodrome which is when I know an outbreak is starting , but it makes my muscles sore and I feel tired and get cold like symptoms, but no sores or pain down there. For this reason, its very easy for someone to give herpes as many people don't even know they have it.

Im confused about some parts of your op.
Do you have children with him? Are you now pregnant with his child?
Anyway I couldn't forgive him for lying. He knew he had it I could never sleep in peace with him in my life because I can't trust him to keep me safe and look after my best interest.
Thats for the issue of your relationship. As far as dating with herpes that is a separate issue right now think of yout health and decide whether you still want to be with him.

I feel all those things @Catsandcuddles and the pain and inability to function is awful. It really affects me in the way you describe too. Although this is only the second ‘proper’ outbreak.

@JollyMaker i don’t have children with him (ex I mentioned is the father) but he is the only person I’ve been with since my ex and I had antibody tests before I met him. It is standard during pregnancy where I had my children.

@Catsandcuddles how do you manage it as it’s relentless although there are no obvious symptoms on a day to day basis

I agree with this.

I am a cold sore suffer and I would not under any circumstances have oral sex if I felt even the slightest tingle. Many times I have refused (give or receive) just because I felt that I might get one at some point soon. How he could do that to you is unbelievable. On another note I was not aware that you could have a blood test for genital herpes - I have always been paranoid about getting it from myself as I have oral herpes quite frequently. Can I go and get tested via blood test?

You can't get both , it's either one or the other

@Flyingkitten you can only get tested for anti bodies as the only way to test if if the actual lesion is swabbed which is why is mostly undetected if you don’t have outbreaks

The blood test is to check for antibodies which would confirm you carried virus either with active infection or dormant if no symptoms. If you already know you have either type 1 or 2 it might not tell you anything new? And your outbreaks will always happen around the site of the original infection, it can’t move anywhere else. If you carry one type there is still a risk you can contract the other type in a different area but the risk is much lower as antibodies from the type you have can provide some resistance.

@Catsandcuddles uou can have HSV 1 and 2 but you can’t have either in both places that is correct

@Flyingkitten

https://www.mountsinai.org/health-library/tests/serum-herpes-simplex-antibodies

I've learned to accept it over time as I know there is no cure. I live a normal life and don't let it get me down anymore.

In terms of managing it, the first 2 outbreaks were bad, and i had to take antiviral meds, but after that I've never suffered in the same way so i don't have any treatment . I get 1 or 2 mild outbreaks a year, and I know when it's about to happen as I get a prodrome (Google it) and I just avoid sex with my H during those times. Hopefully this will be the case for you and the recurrent outbreaks will be mild, but if not you can get short term or long term treatment depending on the severity.

I had to take some antiviral meds in the last trimester of my pregnancy too so I didn't pass the virus during delivery.

My rapist left me with herpes and warts (as if he didn't already make sure I'd never forget him). I had 2 outbreaks within first 2yrs and haven't had anymore since and it's been over 20yrs. I do get bad bouts of cold sores when feeling run down though.

It doesn't make you any less of a person, it's a very common STI.

@CombatBarbie so sorry you went through that. You are right though, it doesn't make you any less of a person ans hopefully in time OP will feel the same.

Thank you @CombatBarbie 💜

I’m sorry you encountered such a bastard

@Catsandcuddles its not a recent infection so I hope you are right I am not going to keep thinking in this way

I am realising people just don’t talk about it at all, so I feel like it’s just me. Thing is, I also thought if someone had it I would not want to be in a relationship so feel like it’s karma - I have terrible paranoia around stis so that doesn’t help. I also don’t usually sit around self pitying either.

I think that he may have committed a crime here.

https://www.cps.gov.uk/legal-guidance/intentional-or-reckless-sexual-transmission-infection#:~:text=Whilst%20it%20is%20possible%20to,to%20commit%20the%20substantive%20offence).

@Mumofteenandtween that is a lot to process and I stayed after I knew and even if I wanted to make him accountable like this he would not make it easy for me at all.

That’s is actually a lot to get my head around …

I discussed how to approach it with a friend who also has type one on genitals (3 people I know well enough to tell me this have got it! Probably a lot more besides) and we agreed on an approach which was to ask if they get cold sores? And if they say yes then no worries, just say me too, but I get them on the fanny. If they say no say ok, I carry the virus, I need to let you know as I can pass it to you if I've got an active outbreak, oh and it's on the fanny not face. Only ever had one guy be a bit uhh but he soon decided he didn't really care.

Wow - I had no idea, thank you for the info.