‘D’P gave me an sti

[Absolutelyfuming]

Names changed for this but just that ‘D’P lied about a lesion being a cold sore and passed it on to me but rather than having it orally I now have it genitally.

Ive had antibody tests so this was confirmed as a primary outbreak without question.

He claims he didn’t know it could be passed on this way.

The physical pain is not something I would wish on my worst enemy.

@Zanatdy i literally explain what happened in my posts! He had something that didn’t look like a cold sore so I asked him because I’m extremely paranoid about these things and he said no. I also asked him if he got them at all after he said not the lesion wasn’t one because it made me think to ask. Not sure what else you would advise I could have done to protect myself other than realise he was lying.

The OP said it looked like an abrasion rather than a typical cold sore.

I don't think I'd know what a cold sore would look like. A weepy spot of some sort? But if it was just tingling and not getting going, I assume it might look like a spot. But I don't really know, and would be reliant on a partner being honest that it's a cold sore.

I can forgive ignorance about not knowing whether it's HSV1 or HSV2, but less so about knowing risks of transmitting it, and definitely not okay with being lied to.

I would be raging too op, he should have been honest and much more careful managing it. My dh gets the occasional cold sore and he has always been super careful from the moment he gets the first tingle until it completely dries up, so me and our dc have never contracted it. I hope you feel better soon.

@EBearhug thank you. Yes my best friend used to get them and someone at work got one for the first time around the same time and it looked nothing like it at all. Just looked a bit like a tear or a scratch but as I said I’ve always been very paranoid. Didn’t help much on this occasion though. 😔

I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this @Absolutelyfuming, agree with those saying that the lie is the bigger issue. I'm not sure I could get past that.

I have the same as you, presumably acquired in the same way although I don't know when. It surfaced in my 30s, a year into my relationship with my exh and I was told that it wasn't the primary infection so there is no way of knowing how long it had laid dormant. I would never knowingly kiss someone who had a cold sore.
The initial shock, stigma and pain triggered another episode within a month but it has since settled down.
20 years on and divorced, it has honestly been no big deal. I've had 2 relationships since my divorce and realise that although I hated having to discuss it before things became intimate, their reaction was a good marker in choosing a man that deserved to share my life and bed.
12 years married and 6 years with my DP, neither have caught herpes. Like any responsible individual, I know the signs and avoid contact until they are clear.

I don't discuss it with everybody, but equally I refuse to be shamed for it, and have talked to younger colleagues about risks when they are with guys wanting to opt out of using condoms.
The Herpes Virus Association were brilliant at helping me adjust, and their advice to treat myself as if I had any other virus by resting, reducing stress and eating well still helps. One thing that stuck with me is that the stigma was generated by the pharmaceutical companies that created a treatment for it, as a way to sell their products. Disgraceful.

@Zanatdy you know what's so helpful on these threads is people implying they would have spotted it. Well done you. We can all pat you on the back. Problem is OP can't turn back the clock so not sure how helpful it is pointing that out!

@Absolutelyfuming I have no idea where I got mine from as I had my first outbreak when i was single and not seeing anyone so it must have lay dormant for a long time (it had been a while since I had had sex!). I'm so sorry he deliberately deceived you like this. I believe it is a form of assault deliberately lying about a sexual infection like this. Be kind to yourself.

Op hope your ok

some survival tips (remembering now )

coconut oil
water bottle when you wee to stop the sting
gentle hair dry after the wee to keep it dry
strong painkillers
the pharmacy sell a topic numbing cream (just ask it’s otc )

and of course the drugs

Similar happened to me just before Christmas. To be honest not fully right yet but getting there. Plus side is the oral one should get lost sooner! Try just to take it easy, it's a bit of a mindfuck.

I'd leave. Seriously. This man is selfish

@drumbeats

Yeah I know hun. Someone above corrected me and I apologized. :)

One thing I do find a bit alarming about threads like this is the posters still having to "take it easy" with an outbreak years after the first one. Makes me feel a bit sick tbh. But I don't think that is actually a majority so keep hopeful that you won't see it much again in the future. They're also working on therapeutic vaccines that should seriously reduce symptoms and infectiousness.

https://herpes.org.uk/frequently-asked-questions/herpes-recurrences-explained/

Op, I posted what seems like a good article on recurrence.

I have been infected with hsv1 on genitals twice (incredible, eh) .... second was confirmed with test, first I didn't get the opportunity to test but I am almost 100% certain that's what it was ...... and have not had any recurrences.

It says in the article that hsv2 has 6 times the recurrence rates, so hopefully this situation will not continue for you. I also read that hsv 1 on the genitals has very low infection rates (to a partner) re a potential new/future partner.

I was totally upfront with my husband about it, that it had happened, that I'd not had a recurrence, that the infection rate is apparently low but just to let him know before we had sex without condoms etc. He was unfazed.

I was also v angry at my ex bf at the time (bearded guy which would've hidden sores), but he didn't say anything about feeling a tingle or lesion, if he did feel it.
But then I didn't ask him, whereas you did ask your h.

The only thing I'd say is that maybe he's being truthful (if a bit dumb) in saying he didn't know it could give you a genital infection.

Why did he think you were asking though .... Because you didn't want to kiss him with a sore (?) I don't really understand.

@Absolutelyfuming I am with you on this one - I understand that passing this virus unknowingly can happen and lots of people have it...but he knew and lied about it (what for, really?)

"Outbreaks normally decline in frequency and severity over time".

Hopefully you won't have to deal with this much ongoing.

And if you were to get a new partner, you can truthfully say that you were infected via oral sex by your irresponsible/clueless ex h and have not had a recurrence in X years and that it has low infection rates, but you would always get antivirals and tell him at the first sign even if you did.
Men tend ime to be more laissez faire/less caught up on things like this anyway.

So he had a cold sore (or the beginnings of one) and now you have it on your genitals?
He may not have known he had an outbreak
The good news is - as it's type 1 HSV you'll likely never get another outbreak. It's not the same as genital herpes virus which keeps recurring.

Sorry. Didn't RTFT. If he knew he had a cold sore and still went down on you that's unforgivable. Still, you don't have anything lurking. Oral herpes when transferred to the genitals will likely not reoccur. LTB, obviously!