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Original poster

Dumped by email

118 replies

HelenHywater · 04/03/2024 16:56

And it really sucks! It was a pretty short (4-5 months) relationship but really intense. And we were very serious.

We'd just been away for the weekend which wasn't wholly successful, and I was having doubts myself, but still! It has really shocked and upset me. And he thinks of himself as a sensitive man.

I've been very dignified so far, just a cool response. He's trying to see me so he can explain more (about his blummin' feelings), but I've declined for now.

I really think I deserved at least a fucking phone call!

OP posts:
hopscotcher · 05/03/2024 21:22

Sorry to hear this OP, it sounds shit for you. To give him the benefit of the doubt, perhaps he felt email would be the best way to express how he felt about things (given that it all sounds a bit complex and intense) and that he'd be able to talk about it later. I think staying dignified and allowing things to end is probably the right approach.

drumbeats · 05/03/2024 21:55

occhiazzurri · 05/03/2024 21:05

You can see why someone people are single at this age! I can’t see why anyone sensitive would not speak to you in person and send an email instead. They probably behaved the same way in their marriage/relationship and were kicked out!

Yet many many people commenting said they would prefer an email and/or send an email in the same situation so...

Mumtogirlss · 05/03/2024 22:03

Sounds like he's not over his ex to be honest. Talking about her in a break up is a bit odd and I imagine he's probably used people/relationships rather than get over that in a healthy way. Sounds too soon for him anyway.

You sure OP that the break down with his ex he has kids with was a long time ago? Or is that what he has just told you?

I would think it's more of a him situation than you OP.

Indifferentchickenwings · 05/03/2024 23:24

A dumping always hurts

but know that actually an email allows
you the space to process it alone and with dignity

you can’t polish a turd

take some space and look after yourself

Epidote · 06/03/2024 07:22

OP, is you ego talking not your whole yourself. You reckon the weekend was bad, you reckon you have been thinking in ending the things, you admitted that you think you are hurt because you didn't do it first...
You now what? Good News! You are fully free and it only took him an email!

Lick you wound and enjoy the rest of your life.

Original poster
HelenHywater · 06/03/2024 08:19

yes you're both right @Epidote and @Indifferentchickenwings

I feel fine today. It was for the best I know that. I do miss him as he was a big part of my life, but I was fine before I met him and will be fine again. And have learned more about what I do and don't want in a relationship. (I don't want to be dumped by email still though).

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 06/03/2024 09:16

30yearoldvirgin · 05/03/2024 20:31

🤔 What has he actually done wrong? How serious can a “relationship” be after only 5 months?

My friend who has been married for 14yrs now was engaged at 6 months, the wedding was being planned. So it was very serious at 5 months as her husband planned the mini break and purchased the engagement ring. Same for my parents; married within 9 months of meeting. It’s only on mumsnet people say thinks like oh a 2yr relationship, how serious can that be?! In the real world many relationships can feel serious at 5 months. Serious enough to have an honest conversation face to face. The world has got so used to hiding behind keyboards now but there’s some things that I think morally should be done face to face. Sure if it was a FWB situation or not serious at all then a message is ok; but it sounds like this person was very serious or at least pretended to be, so in my book it’s very cowardly to not even have a chat about it.

I guess the people who think it’s fine to be dumped by message are they type of people who also dump people by message

30yearoldvirgin · 06/03/2024 10:55

Zanatdy · 06/03/2024 09:16

My friend who has been married for 14yrs now was engaged at 6 months, the wedding was being planned. So it was very serious at 5 months as her husband planned the mini break and purchased the engagement ring. Same for my parents; married within 9 months of meeting. It’s only on mumsnet people say thinks like oh a 2yr relationship, how serious can that be?! In the real world many relationships can feel serious at 5 months. Serious enough to have an honest conversation face to face. The world has got so used to hiding behind keyboards now but there’s some things that I think morally should be done face to face. Sure if it was a FWB situation or not serious at all then a message is ok; but it sounds like this person was very serious or at least pretended to be, so in my book it’s very cowardly to not even have a chat about it.

I guess the people who think it’s fine to be dumped by message are they type of people who also dump people by message

Show quote history

Regardless of any of that, 5 months is no time at all. You can’t possibly get to know someone properly over that time frame (as has been proven by OP’s reaction to the dumping)
Also, he wanted to meet to speak about it 🤷🏻‍♀️ But OP hasn’t taken him up on it. Instead she’s taken to mumsnet to slate him.

Getitgirl · 06/03/2024 11:50

I’m always surprised by mumsnet threads like these where posters respond to someone who is clearly hurting with a version of the following;

  • he (the one ending things) didn’t do anything wrong
  • email/text/carrier pigeon break ups are TOTALLY fine
  • it’s a short-term thing so just get over it/it’s not important compared to relationships spanning centuries

anyway, it sounds as though he was very self involved in his email. Like another poster I think you feel aggrieved by the doubts you had, combined with his method AND the fact you would have likely called time on this relationship yourself. I’m not surprised you feel aggrieved, but I agree with the comment that it only took one email for you to be free of his nonsense. Dignity and nonchalance (atleast towards him) is now your best option.

and for what it’s worth, I think shorter relationships ending can feel a lot more monumental as you’re still hopeful about your bond enduring with this person. It can feel brutal when that budding connection ends, even if you were having doubts. (Ask me how I know!)

be kind to yourself. Maybe stay off mumsnet and dust yourself down :)

SamW98 · 06/03/2024 11:53

Off topic slightly but i find it absolutely bizarre that people in relationships with each other communicate via email. When did that become a thing?

taylorswift1989 · 06/03/2024 11:59

I guess the people who think it’s fine to be dumped by message are they type of people who also dump people by message

Well yes, that's me. I would and have dumped people by message. It's often the best and safest way for a woman to end a relationship. I've also had situations where I've tried to end things in person and had the other person basically try to talk me out of it, so a follow up message saying, no, I'm really through with you, is sometimes necessary.

I appreciate that for some people, face to face is the only acceptable way of ending things. But honestly I think this is personal preference rather than a moral thing. It's not like people before the internet didn't write Dear John letters. Not everyone is okay with being put on the spot. Some of us - lots of us? - would prefer the space and time to process rejection by ourselves.

Obviously it's different in a long term relationship or marriage. Then you would hope for several face to face conversations as you both worked out how to end the relationship.

JoanThursday1972 · 06/03/2024 12:09

I once had a Dear Joan email (and a text) from a weirdo called Gary who I had been out with a few times. I messaged him back and said, fine, no problem, thanks for letting me know, all the best.

He sent me a barrage of emails after that telling me all my faults. I felt terrible about it but just blocked him and left it there. I did the right thing as he ended up in prison.

Shitlord · 06/03/2024 13:39

I guess the people who think it’s fine to be dumped by message are they type of people who also dump people by message

It often is fine. Depends on the relationship. I've done text, phone call, in person. Never email though! If it's short or they've behaved badly/ it's fizzling and a line just needs drawing then text is fine. Committed relationship merits face to face. Somewhere in the middle, phone call. It's not always necessary to make it a big goodbye and long discussion.

sittingingold · 06/03/2024 14:34

I haven't read the whole thread but it sounds as if he's immature and not ready or capable of a relationship.

You are feeling upset because of the potential of this rather than losing him I expect. He's not the person you hoped for and that's really disappointing.

I would warn you guys who want to 'talk about their feelings' after they dump you usually want to keep you on the back burner for emotional or physical comfort so they like to keep the door open.

Indifferentchickenwings · 06/03/2024 14:57

I guess the people who think it’s fine to be dumped by message are they type of people who also dump people by message

i think being dumped sucks , it really does and i was dumped twice in 2023 (yay !)
its a universal human pain

and I’m still bruised and feeling a bit crap

but I stand by I’d way prefer a email or text because you can have a cry and react with some grace

Original poster
HelenHywater · 06/03/2024 16:07

Just addressing the points made to me I didn't come on here to slate him! I like him, I was sort of falling in love with him (until the weekend away anyway)( or possibly the future that I thought I could have with him). But the email was self absorbed and made me angry because it was totally contrary to the way he held himself out as a sensitive, kind, talk-ey kind of a guy. And I will meet him at some stage, but have no need right now to hear more from him about this.

And for me, I'd neither dump by email or want to be dumped by email.

OP posts:
Shitlord · 06/03/2024 16:21

Sorry to be a nosy cow but what happened at the weekend?

Original poster
HelenHywater · 06/03/2024 16:33

We had a weekend away (our first) that even before the dumping, I had found not wholly successful - he'd irritated me a little bit. It seems he felt the same! Even stronger in fact.

OP posts:
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