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Original poster

Dumped by email

118 replies

HelenHywater · 04/03/2024 16:56

And it really sucks! It was a pretty short (4-5 months) relationship but really intense. And we were very serious.

We'd just been away for the weekend which wasn't wholly successful, and I was having doubts myself, but still! It has really shocked and upset me. And he thinks of himself as a sensitive man.

I've been very dignified so far, just a cool response. He's trying to see me so he can explain more (about his blummin' feelings), but I've declined for now.

I really think I deserved at least a fucking phone call!

OP posts:
Starseeking · 05/03/2024 08:30

Sounds upsetting OP.

However if you were not sure about him following the weekend, it's probably a good thing not to have had to see him again.

If I'd received an email like that, I'd probably have replied "No worries, wishing you all the best".

There's a great man out there for you OP, leave this one where he is!

Lighteningstrikes · 05/03/2024 08:41

It’s your pride that’s hurting.
You were going to dump him anyway.
You would be feeling a whole lot worse if he’d ghosted you.

beanii · 05/03/2024 17:35

Personally I'd rather have an email 🤷‍♀️🤣

Emmz1510 · 05/03/2024 17:47

It’s probably down to individual preferences but in a situation like this I would have preferred an email or text. I’m not so good at articulating myself well under pressure and an email would give me time to consider my response and maintain some dignity! I’m not a fan of the phone at the best of times- much better with the written word.
Sorry this has happened but it sounds like you were having some negative vibes anyway. I wouldn’t be meeting up with him, no chance!

ZombieMovie · 05/03/2024 19:08

No need to get dressed and travel to see someone to get this sort of news, I would much prefer a text where I can deal with my feelings with some space and privacy.

I have ended things by text, usually when I thought the person would have a very bad reaction and berate me and upset themselves further, as several poster here have said they would do… their tendency to react that way was the main reason for the end, incidentally!

I was once dumped abruptly and without warning by text, it was a shock and I was hurt and upset, rejection feels awful at the best of times.
I simply responded with a text saying: “thanks for letting me know sooner rather than later and I wish you all the best happiness.”
End of. No fuss, no berating, no tears. It was easier on both of us.
Now I have only good memories of that relationship, the rubbish bits are largely forgotten! Carrying on and scenes just leaves a bad taste in the mouth.

BlueSkyBlueLife · 05/03/2024 19:15

taylorswift1989 · 04/03/2024 21:30

Personally I've been dumped by text and found it much preferable to a conversation. It gave me a chance to process my feelings and I could take time to formulate a response.

I'm not sure why people don't like it? It's maybe an introvert/extrovert thing? I've got adhd, maybe that's why I prefer to have time to process? Someone needs to do a survey!

Show quote history

Maybe that’s an age thing?

My young adult dc hates a tel conversation so would do the text thing. Easier and much less painful for them. Plus as you said, you can think about your answer and not make yourself as vulnerable vs when you are told face to face.

id hate it and always did but then texting was a brand new thing when I was in my 20s!

IsthisthereallifeIsthisjustfantasy · 05/03/2024 19:16

"It's better than being ghosted" lol. It's also better than being murdered.

drumbeats · 05/03/2024 19:29

ZombieMovie · 05/03/2024 19:08

No need to get dressed and travel to see someone to get this sort of news, I would much prefer a text where I can deal with my feelings with some space and privacy.

I have ended things by text, usually when I thought the person would have a very bad reaction and berate me and upset themselves further, as several poster here have said they would do… their tendency to react that way was the main reason for the end, incidentally!

I was once dumped abruptly and without warning by text, it was a shock and I was hurt and upset, rejection feels awful at the best of times.
I simply responded with a text saying: “thanks for letting me know sooner rather than later and I wish you all the best happiness.”
End of. No fuss, no berating, no tears. It was easier on both of us.
Now I have only good memories of that relationship, the rubbish bits are largely forgotten! Carrying on and scenes just leaves a bad taste in the mouth.

Edited

This is because you are an adult and don't need to be told or believe the dumper is an arsehole.

Does my head in how people rush around saying 'he's not worth it's 'he's a bastard'. When all he did was end a failing relationship

Zanatdy · 05/03/2024 19:36

It is really harsh he couldn’t tell you to your face. Very cowardly, and no wonder you feel rubbish about it all.

Original poster
HelenHywater · 05/03/2024 19:42

fwiw I don't believe the dumper is an arsehole. At all. He is mostly a very lovely man and of course he had a right to end the relationship. But a text or email is brutal and didn't work for me. fwiw he has confirmed that he felt I was pulling away from him and didn't give him the affirmation that he needed. Which reinforces that he should have just bloody spoken to me.

I have stayed dignified!

OP posts:
Original poster
HelenHywater · 05/03/2024 19:44

Thank you @Zanatdy this is my view.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 05/03/2024 19:51

HelenHywater · 05/03/2024 19:44

Thank you @Zanatdy this is my view.

People told me last year I was unreasonable wanting a conversation when I got dumped by message. I personally think it was really cowardly. A year on he still messages me now and then, he claimed to be in a midlife crisis too but I’ve no idea what / if it’s over as he didn’t say much. Either way I’ve moved on and don’t need a guy in my life. It was a horrible couple of months after he declared undying love then just ducked out

Original poster
HelenHywater · 05/03/2024 19:55

Sounds very similar @Zanatdy I am familiar with my now-ex's midlife crisis, as he banged on about it a fair amount.

I am not looking forward to the next few weeks, but I know I'll get through it. I've had worse relationship endings -including being ghosted, and a long marriage ending. So I'll be fine. I also feel let down by him, I really thought he was actually a lovely, sensitive, kind ,considerate man! But when it came down to it, he wasn't really.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 05/03/2024 19:58

HelenHywater · 05/03/2024 19:55

Sounds very similar @Zanatdy I am familiar with my now-ex's midlife crisis, as he banged on about it a fair amount.

I am not looking forward to the next few weeks, but I know I'll get through it. I've had worse relationship endings -including being ghosted, and a long marriage ending. So I'll be fine. I also feel let down by him, I really thought he was actually a lovely, sensitive, kind ,considerate man! But when it came down to it, he wasn't really.

No sadly they may come across being sensitive and kind but then the way they end things like that without explanation is not nice at all. My guy wouldn’t even have a phone conversation. So I didn’t contact him at all and he’s contacting me 3/4wks later saying he’s sorry for being a tw*t. Then every so often he sends me a random text; I think he thinks he can keep me waiting in the wings but that’s not going to happen.

Deathbyfluffy · 05/03/2024 20:01

pikkumyy77 · 04/03/2024 17:15

I think the email is perfect. I would rather someone tell me its over than make me sit through their apologies or justifications. Its not more or less respectful. People used to write “Dear John…” break up letters all the time. I, personally, would prefer it.

Exactly this. It's never easy, but at least via email there's no awkward goodbyes or any of that nonsense.

To be honest you sound a little bitter that you didn't get to make 'the call' that the relationship and run its course, rather he pipped you to the post.

Can't see he did a lot wrong to be honest, I've been dumped in much worse ways in the past (by women, as I'm a man).
I'd not leave someone via email but I can't see what he's done wrong personally.

TwylaSands · 05/03/2024 20:03

It was a pretty short (4-5 months) relationship but really intense. And we were very serious.
red flag right there.

And he thinks of himself as a sensitive man
of course he does. What he means is he likes to tell everyone how he feels, but doesnt stop to think how his actions make other people feel

He's trying to see me so he can explain more (about his blummin' feelings)
of course he is. Because it is all about his feelings. ,

but I've declined for now. best course of action.

fwiw he has confirmed that he felt I was pulling away from him and didn't give him the affirmation that he needed.
again, it is all about his feelings isnt it. If you done make a massive fuss of him, he ends it.

he has ended it and you werent convinced anyway. There is no need to see him again. Politely decline and block him.

if he wants to end it be wouldnt need to keep speaking to you. Sounds more like he wants to change you.

BlueSkyBlueLife · 05/03/2024 20:19

drumbeats · 05/03/2024 19:29

This is because you are an adult and don't need to be told or believe the dumper is an arsehole.

Does my head in how people rush around saying 'he's not worth it's 'he's a bastard'. When all he did was end a failing relationship

Show quote history

You can say
thanks for letting me know sooner rather than later and I wish you all the best happiness
face to face though….

What you say and how it’s said (text, face to face etc….) are two different things.

To me saying you couldn’t be doing that with the person in front of you points towards struggling to manage your own emotions and avoiding potential conflict at all cost rather than being a nice adult way of handling issues.

Fwiw being from a generation when you didn’t really have a choice, you still had the good memories. No one was going on berating the other etc…

BlueSkyBlueLife · 05/03/2024 20:24

but at least via email there's no awkward goodbyes or any of that nonsense.

As a general comment, I’m wondering how you are coping when meeting with the now ex because you have friends in common etc… if you haven’t talked to them since initiating the split.

Do you ignore each other? Pretend your relationship never existed?
Fir me, it would be even more awkward than if you had had the opportunity to ‘say goodbye’.

LightSpeeds · 05/03/2024 20:27

To be honest, it's better than being ghosted which seems to be the default, these days.

No matter how it happened, it's going to hurt.

QueenCamilla · 05/03/2024 20:28

I've left a 3/4 month relationship via text. The whole point is - I didn't want to have any "discussion". What is there to discuss even?
I think it actually saves the other person some dignity not to listen to "101 reasons I don't want to Fuck you anymore".
It can also be unsafe to dump someone in person, particularly if you're a woman.

I've done it by text before, and would do so again - it was the least traumatic breakup I've ever had.

30yearoldvirgin · 05/03/2024 20:31

🤔 What has he actually done wrong? How serious can a “relationship” be after only 5 months?

Newnamehiwhodis · 05/03/2024 20:40

He sounds tedious and self-absorbed. Yuck! Good thing you didn’t waste years finding that out

pikkumyy77 · 05/03/2024 20:55

Poor guy! I don’t think he has done anything wrong. He just got there a little before OP did. No need to trash him.

occhiazzurri · 05/03/2024 21:05

You can see why someone people are single at this age! I can’t see why anyone sensitive would not speak to you in person and send an email instead. They probably behaved the same way in their marriage/relationship and were kicked out!

JJathome · 05/03/2024 21:17

occhiazzurri · 05/03/2024 21:05

You can see why someone people are single at this age! I can’t see why anyone sensitive would not speak to you in person and send an email instead. They probably behaved the same way in their marriage/relationship and were kicked out!

Wow; can you really not see why someone would email and then offer an in person discussion to end a short relationship?

very odd assumption on why anyone’s marriage ended.