Mother - how to improve a narcissist mother relationship

[Flyhigher]

My sister seems to have improved this situation with my mother.
They seem to be in a sister mother's her relationship. Mum likes it. My sister doesn't have kids. But is also putting effort in.
How do I improve it?
It's just awful. My mother 81 won't even buy me nice eggs for bf. Even though I travel 200 miles to see her.

How can I make it bearable? Better?

I have I see her every 2 - 3 months.

My sister mothers my mum a lot.
Babies her. I'm not really feeling able to do that.
I'd still like a caring mum. That I'm helping.

I have a child. I don't want another. Especially as she never helped me with mine.

Sorry but you need to accept this is how she is.
you will be forever disappointed if you keep wanting her to change and be whatever your imaginary mum should be.
you can either see her knowing exactly what she’s like and try and make the best of it, do things for yourself and her, or you can reduce when you see her.
im a big people pleaser but I would expect to go and look after my mum at 81, I mean I do a lot for mine now at 75 she comes round for Sunday dinner, I take her on holiday etc.

It's very hard. I feel like my mental health shreds in her presence. I stop being able to think.

She takes me to very dark places. I can't be me.

I’m sorry it sounds like you’ve got a very difficult relationship. Don’t see her till you feel ready.

You don’t like the eggs your mother buys. Anything stopping you buying your own?

@Flyhigher

You either have to accept your mother as she is warts and all to a certain extant
within a healthy robust limitations of having boundaries

but don't be a push over with her,

Go seriously low contact or no contact at all

as you can get away with as possible that your sanity can cope with

I've got one (a narcissistic mother) and it's hard. She's ill at the moment, so I've been visiting for a few days, and I can't wait to go home tomorrow. I've done all the cooking, cleaning, shopping and taxiing for past 4 days, and can still do nothing right. Got shouted at for pegging the washing up in the wrong “rung" this afternoon which was nice. I've given her my cold, and you would think I've given her the plague. Never in her whole life has she ever had a cold, she Always has the flu.

I've bought food for us both, she complains that there's too much in her fridge and has given DB tomorrow's lunch to take home...

She is completely doing my head in, but she's so self absorbed she has no comprehension at all that she is being unreasonable. Last time I was here I told her I wasn't coming back - got the full waterworks and crying that I'm all she has (she has alienated all family and friends apart from my DB)

Sorry to hijack, but its hard!

It's not a hijack. That's exactly how my mum is. That helps.

No nothing stopping me buying my own eggs.

But I travel 200 miles it costs me £100 to see her.

I'm tired when I get there.

She does nothing all day. She never buys me birthday or Christmas presents.

I thought buying me nice eggs might be a nice mother daughter gesture. But no. It hurts.

She actually said that nothing is good enough in her house. It's true. Her house is awful. No comfy sofa or bed or nice food.

She's hardly been to see me since I left home in 1990. Always too busy.

Now I have to see her at great expense. And she won't even buy me some nice eggs.

She's also developed this sort of helplessness which keeps my brother and I involved with her. She claims she can't do/understand basic stuff, her TV, her phone, her car etc etc. It's maddening.

She was complaining earlier that her throat was sore and commented that mine had been fine, she is so much worse than I was. I pointed out that 2 days ago I couldn't speak as I'd lost my voice. She honestly hadn't noticed.

She had a Dr's appointment this morning, apparently she couldn't breathe last night. I suggested she has lots of hot drinks, some paracetemol and go to bed. Took her for her appointment, got shouted at for parking in wrong place, Dr told her to drink plenty, rest and take paracetemol...

She'll insist in giving me money tomorrow to pay for my trip - which I don't want - but she has this thing about not "owing" anyone anything. If she pays me to come she can treat me how she wants.

Cut contact for a bit, then meet on your terms only. Narcissistic mothers are not good for personal growth in fact they’re in opposition to each other

Mime also loves living life as a martyr - asked me to bring her my old jumpers I don't wear anymore because she doesn't want to wear her good ones round the house????? Wears shoes with holes in them because it's not wet outside?? (she's not short of money!)

Mine is only content when my life is going through trouble.
She hates anyone being happy.
Including her own family

Mine wouldn't know if my life was going through trouble. I've just realised that she has never once asked how I am. Crikey!

I am 52 my mother has never once asked me how I am either and if I tell her I either get a sarcastic comment or am ignored

You could be writing about my mother. Moans always but won't make small changes to make life more comfortable. Not short of money but frugal and tight. Weekly hospital visits that I drive her to, she schedules for 1pm because it suits her. No, doing this chore slap-bang in the middle of my day doesn't suit me. It writes off my entire day. Nor does the bloody request to pop into M&S/Dunelm/BigBrowsingStoreOfChoice afterwards, where she manages to browse for an hour and buys nothing because it's too expensive, or she could make it at half the cost. Like @almostthere75 says, mine to is only content when my life is going through trouble. She hates anyone being happy.

I came on here to find a thread about difficult relationships with mothers

I had an argument with my mum tonight, everyone else is always in the wrong, totally dismissed my feelings and accounts of what has happened. She told me I am always angry at her and I agreed I am and said you are with me which she denied but she is she doesn’t love me she is angry as she can’t control me like she did even accused me of being jealous of her relationship with ds

I feel nothing but happiness when someone brings happiness into my child’s life I don’t feel jealous but my mum can’t relate to this and likes to believe this is true

but I’m still the one feeling guilty and wound up

i empathise op I wish I could cut my mum off but she has no one, no friends

I don’t even love my mum and I certainly do not like her I just can’t face the guilt breaking away from her that we go through this maybe once a year and it’s so draining I know I will feel down for a few days

And eggs are the problem… ok 🫣

Eggs aren't the problem. The lack of love is. The selfishness.

You can’t improve the relationship because she doesn’t want to improve it because she doesn’t care putting you down makes her feel better x

Flyhigher ignore the sarcastic remarks

they are unnecessary and spiteful but sadly as you are aware some people choose to be nasty

My narcissistic mother died 20 years ago. We had a reasonable relationship at the end but that was only possible because I had had years of therapy to work through my anger and disappointment. It gave me enough distance to understand her, not get caught up in her dysfunction and put in boundaries. Like your sister, I felt more like her parent than her child but I didn't feel it was my responsibility to look after her. I'm not sure if that would have changed if she'd lived to be old enough to need care.